I'm still here.

I haven't given up.

I've managed to not give up.

I'm struggling to not give up.

The thing is, I'm a sucker for routine. If there's a break in routine, it messes me. up. If it's a big enough break, it's that much harder for me to get back into it. back in 2015, I had my the last appointment with my psychiatrist. Their scheduling system was down so I couldn't book my next appointment.

It took me 5 months before I could get myself to call in and learned that after find the line was disconnected that the practice had committed medicare fraud and been shut down. It took me almost till now to find another psych which I'm now seeing one and I'm back on meds. I'm not good with this.

My health sucks. This is the first pay period where I've not had to take a few hours of leave for some health reason or to make an appointment. Conveniently, I'm sick on the weekend(3 day weekend) today with something so it's not like I have to take leave off for it. I just get to be sick on my own time.

Good news is, that I somehow pass at a distance to up close in poor lighting I guess. The gate guards at work sometimes dear and ma'am me depending on how I have my hair. While on my vacation a month ago(the one on which I got sick the second day I was there and peed blood at one point and had to go to the ER), twice people referred to my mother and I as ladies as we were being seated at a restaurant. I am making no effort to pass, nor dress in a feminine manner, so I guess this is a good thing. I do have long naturally blond and curly hair which I do style sometimes so I guess that's all that you need.

As for writing, I haven't really written anything recently. I won't delete anything. I open the documents and start struggling to write a few words, but I just feel like I'm in a fog all the time. The new meds I'm on have been a roller-coaster of a time getting used to side effects but so far seem to help at least with keeping me not depressed and wanting to die. This in theory grants me time to keep on at it with writing.

I've had some new ideas and have been able to rehash some older things out so who knows.

On an unrelated tangent, I've gotten into listening to story podcasts. My favs are in order:

Edict Zero FIS
Limetown
Rabbits
Claybourne(*really just an unfinished radio broadcast)
The Alexandria Archives
The Bright Sessions
Homecoming
Liberty
Ars Paradoxica
Life After
The Message

The Black Tapes, Roll for combat, The Adventure Zone, Alice isn't Dead, The White Vault, The Bridge, Paralyzed, Girl in Space, The Strange Case of Starship Iris, and The Tunnels are all on my to listen to in the future list.

I started listening to Archive 81, We're Alive, and Tanis but didn't like them.

If you have any recommendations for fictional, sci fi, fantasy, lovecraftian, horror, story or game play, podcasts you don't see here, please send them my way.