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I'm visiting my parents for my vacation, because I always visit my parents for vacation. I thought I'd go on vacation and rest and relax, and it's been anything but.
My anxiety is through the roof. I've been here about 30 hours so far.
I talked with my dad yesterday as we drove from the airport to a few stores. He admitted he wanted grandchildren, but conditioned it with he'd take them in any form, whether they were genetic, adopted, or gotten by marriage. He'd be fine with it. I wanted to cry because I can't for the life of me make a relationship work.
Got crap sleep. For the most part it was four hours of uninterrupted sleep. Woke up with a nightmare. It was terrifying because I had a very similar experience to what I had dreamed. Basically if my brother wasn't in the car with me while I drove us into town, I'd have most likely died in a car accident.
Earlier, I went with my grandmother to get her hair done. I had to help her get in her car and get out. She told me to make no mistake that despite her age she was well aware of what was going on she wished this didn't have to be. She didn't want to lose her mobility. I wanted to break down crying right there but I buried it away to get through the moment. This is the grandmother that took me in after my high school suicide attempt and got me through high school.
While at the hair salon, the stylist knows my father, and she said I looked like him except taller, and talked like him, and I again wanted to cry again. I don't like my body, or being tall, or my voice among many other things about myself.
I can't focus on my writing or art for more than five to ten minutes at a time without becoming sleepy, or the nervous/anxiety just runs roughshod over my concentration.
I'm supposed to be resting and relaxing and it's just not happening. In fact it's worse than if I hadn't taken a vacation.
Comments
Hugs
Just hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Thank you
Today I'm doing better. Got a full nights sleep for the first time in forever. I feel better. Thank you for the hug.
Internet High Fives All Around
Stardraigh
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My Deviantart
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You are not alone.
My heart goes out to you. I just want you to know that you have lots of company. Do I remember you saying you are an aspie? There are lots of aspies here. My son is one, and I could be but was never diagnosed. Last week my counselor said that I should look at ways to be around people more. Church is one way I do that, though there are others and church may not be your thing.
So, what do you do when you are not on vacation? Perhaps just eating lunch with a co-worker will start something. I pretend to do well with a crowd of people, but no one knows I don't. Perhaps you could get together with the gaming set. Some of them are very nice, though I totally do not get gaming and some of them just kill me and do not wish to talk. :(
So, I am khadijagwen on skype. When you get lonely, call me. There are a couple other BCTS folk that I talk with on there. Make no mistake, I get really lonely at times, and they help me a lot.
I must go off to participate in my ritual crowd mingling. :)
Much peace.
Khadija Gwen
Thank you.
I made it through the day. Last night, for the first time in months, I got more than 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep and didn't wake up from a really intense dream or nightmare. I feel somewhat better this morning. Full of energy.
I was able to start on a picture of Kregg's mask which I'll use as a title image for Kregg's story. It's proving to be time consuming because I'm using a touchpad on my laptop instead of a mouse. Luckily the mouse is the only thing I forgot when I left home to travel here.
Maybe, yesterday was the worst day of vacation. Maybe everything after, will be great compared to yesterday. That's my hope.
I don't skype. As for dating, I would not date any of my coworkers or my gaming group. I have no physical attraction to any of them and except for two of them, no mental attraction. There is this one woman I'm going to see when I visit with my mothers side of the family. She's my best friends sister. I really like her and I wish I could make something of it, but I have no idea how too and I don't want to scare her off. So we'll see when I get there.
Internet High Fives All Around
Stardraigh
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My Deviantart
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Vacations
I've found I usually get more vacation 'relaxation' from stay-cations than from actually going any wheres. I do that Aspie thing too so traveling can be ... stressful.
The question is how do you recharge/relax? Some people enjoy being in a crowd and doing the social thing. Others prefer just taking a walk or hike soaking in the peace and quiet.
Me, I need a little of this and a little of that, but of my own time and choosing. My Stay-cation lets me decide when and where to do that.
I would suggest you try and find time to find which you like and search for you-time.
As for family, you have to love them, but they can be tough to deal with. My Mom is in much the same shape as your grandmother and it hurts that's there is nothing you can do. My advice as such is to just love them and keep that love close even as they irritate the beep, beep out you or when it hurts. Don't leave tender things unsaid, but try to be tactful with the 'baggage.'
Lastly, refer back to the beginning. Find time for yourself or at least attempt to do fun things with your family.
Big hugs
Grover
Thank you
To recharge and relax, I write, or read, or do my art(jewelry, fractals, abstract, paint gaming miniatures, pyrograph) and maybe I'll play games(NES,SNES,PS3). Right now I'm kind of limited as I only have my laptop for art, but I'm making some stuff. I was so stressed out on the flight, I buried myself in photoshopping on a character image for one of my stories.
In a few hours my dad, grandmother, and I will drive into town and go to a few places, so that should take my mind off everything. I do like shopping, and I can get a computer mouse to make my digital art much easier. I was using my off-hand(left) quite successfully yesterday on the plane in very cramped conditions, but I'd prefer a mouse.
As for finding alone time, right now I'm in the bedroom I'm sleeping in by myself on my laptop. I go once every hour or two to sit for a bit with my dad and grandmother. Tomorrow, I'm going to go drive around where I used to go, but everything is changed so much. I've visited my hometown every year and it just changes more and more each time, so there's no telling what's no longer there.
Thanks for the response Grover.
Internet High Fives All Around
Stardraigh
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My Deviantart
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Visiting home is hard
In the past few years, I have visited places I used to live and they are all very different from what I remember. All the houses are different. They have different people in them so the houses are their homes now. The houses are different. They moved the roads so it is hard to get around. I guess it's the nature of things, change, progress, trying to make things better.
I went to a high school reunion last year, my 50th. I'm really not that old, I hope. All the people were different from what I remember. I guess I am more different also. I certainly hope so.
My point is that we have to make our own lives the way we want them. We need to be the product of ourselves, not the product of someone else like family, friends, and acquaintances. We can make ourselves as WE want. We just need to do it.
All kinds of opportunities come our way. We see them if we are looking and expecting them to be there. As Otis said in "The Last Starfighter," "When an opportunity comes along, you have to grab a hold and hang on."
Most of the regrets I have had in my life are things I didn't do. You have good things going in your life, keep after them. Make your life your own. You can do it if you want to bad enough.
Much Love,
Valerie R