scared to dress as self

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I have bought the clothes. I grew my hair out. I have even ordered some breasts. So, why am I so scared to wear the things. The desire is there. I will wear pajamas with no difficulty. I have even started wearing leggins and a pink t-shirt around the house. I am scared to put on other stuff. Something always stops me.

I have thought about going to a trans support group all dressed up, but backed out at last minute. I want to go to one of my therapy sessions dressed as myself, but never do.

I'm approaching 50, and I still fear being myself. I wish I could remember the incidents that caused my female personality to be so scared to even peak out once and a while. I hide behind a male costume, constantly telling myself that I can't look, touch, or show any interest in almost everything that I like.

daily I must face things I do not want to see or do. I must shave a very course beard, and way more body hair than any woman should face. My adams apple is on full display. No breasts, but what I do have a little lower on the body that sticks out is not welcome.

I am a woman, doing a job society views only appropriate for women, but to society I am just a dumb dangerous male doing something no male should do. I am trapped. Trapped in a world that does not understand, and trapped in a body that does not match my brain and heart.

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