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I have bought the clothes. I grew my hair out. I have even ordered some breasts. So, why am I so scared to wear the things. The desire is there. I will wear pajamas with no difficulty. I have even started wearing leggins and a pink t-shirt around the house. I am scared to put on other stuff. Something always stops me.
I have thought about going to a trans support group all dressed up, but backed out at last minute. I want to go to one of my therapy sessions dressed as myself, but never do.
I'm approaching 50, and I still fear being myself. I wish I could remember the incidents that caused my female personality to be so scared to even peak out once and a while. I hide behind a male costume, constantly telling myself that I can't look, touch, or show any interest in almost everything that I like.
daily I must face things I do not want to see or do. I must shave a very course beard, and way more body hair than any woman should face. My adams apple is on full display. No breasts, but what I do have a little lower on the body that sticks out is not welcome.
I am a woman, doing a job society views only appropriate for women, but to society I am just a dumb dangerous male doing something no male should do. I am trapped. Trapped in a world that does not understand, and trapped in a body that does not match my brain and heart.
Comments
Kindered Soul
Your not alone in the world as you may think. For your tale is a mirror of my own. Although I have no therapist or support groups around, and travel this existence alone. I will dress and wear what feels right when locked away in my home, and dawn my facade for the rest of the world to see.
you sound a lot like me
talk to your counselor
A word of advice
Teek, as someone who has been where you’re at now I understand the fear and stigma you’re feeling surrounding wanting to show the true you to the world. It’s not easy to do but once you make that first step it gets a lot easier on you. Don’t give up on this, keep on fighting.
I truly ...
... feel sorry for you(that is probably not the right way to put it).
I have no idea how some of the older TG people cope with the whole TG life, no that I am young, I am almost 47, but I did my initial transition at a younger age.
I was stubborn enough to initially transition in 1991 at the age of 19, in a country where being Trans was a 'stoning offense' then. Okay not really, but close. Appartheid South Africa was a fucked up hell of a place for anybody to live in that was different from the norm.
But I soldiered on, I failed at my first attempt, but then succeeded when I slowly transitioned from the end of 1995 and had the 'op' 2001.
Let me say this though, I am not one of the lucky people, I am not 5'5 small boned and beautiful. I am 5'11, have the bone structure of a male bodybuilder and the hand the size of plates. My ring finger, just for reference, is a size Z+13. Z being the largest standard size of measurement of rings here.
So I understand the fear totally, but there has to come a moment when you have to plainly say 'FUCK IT I AM ME, and fuck whoever stands in my way. I WILL BE ME'. Yes, I did it at a young age, but I did it alone, walked away from family, have no friends from the old days, and even now I am very much alone and have very few friends. Never got married, had 3 relationships, 1 pre-op, 2 post-op. My whole school life I was single, and after school, in 29 years I have been in relationships for maybe 14 months if that much.
So if your fear is about losing your 'life', sorry, that is par for the course. If you fear losing friends and family, that my friend is par for the course too, those precious few that stick with you hold on to them with all your might. Stepping into your authentic self on this TG road is not for 'sissies' excuse the pun. It is a fucking hard journey, with many battles fought and lost. But in the end, it has to be about YOU. You have to be honest with yourself about who YOU ARE, and fuck the rest.
I have this saying:
"A true transexual person only has 3 choices in life, you either commit suicide, or you commit suicide, or you commit suicide. 1. You commit suicide - you choose to kill WHO you are and live a life that the outside world is ok with, but you suffer loss of self your whole life. 2. You commit suicide - You choose to kill WHAT you are and make the REAL YOU a reality and piss off most of the world around you unluckily, but find a degree of peace within. 3. You commit suicide - You choose to physically KILL Yourself, like in real suicide (I tried 3 times by the way)."
The choice is yours, but when you choose, commit to your choice, and be truthful to yourself, for a life half lived is the walk of the living dead...
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill