I'm just ... so tired of these nightmares. I'm tired from the lack of sleep. I'm tired of the emotional drain. I'm tired of needing to go around the house, and turn on the lights. A lot of the time, I won't remember what I dreamed about. I'll just wake up, feeling scared, or angry, or something like that. I remembered what I dreamed about last night/this morning. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

but what is what?

Well, once again, reality turned out to be less scary than anxiety had made it out to be.

I got the brakes fixed on my car today, after stressing over it for more than a week (my repair guy was on holiday).

And instead of the thousand-plus-dollar expense I was expecting, the actual price was $460.

It takes out the last of my reserve fund, but that's what that money was for, and now I can start slowly rebuilding it.

(Breathes a sigh of relief ….)

Okay, so last night I dreamed that I had to rush to the hospital because my partner was giving birth.

And after the baby came out, they handed her to me, so I could breastfeed her . . .

weird, I know, but better than all those dreams about being lost.

Its weird to have a revelation about yourself at 55.

But I did yesterday, as I finally realized I am super tactile.

I'm always stroking my blankets, or my stuffed toys, or just about anything I can reach.

Thing is, even now being able to acknowledge this, I still have no clue why I do this.

ah, well.

My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:

"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.

I was wondering about Thongs; they seem so sexy, and even in my dotage my thought life...I want to be sexy. So I got a pack of 3. Even after letting one "settle" in, it was not fun, especially while riding a bike. Being my normal stubborn self, I did research. Female pelvises have up to 2" inches more space for Thongs, to facilitate child birth, and to make males think unseemly thoughts.

I haven't thrown them out, but it is unlikely one will ever find its way to my skinny butt again.

Naughtily.

Gwen

So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.

... I'm scheduled to be meeting with a therapist.

I'm not sure if I'm ready. I feel like I'm wading into a lake, and years of memories are being stirred up as I walk. The water is too murky to see my own feet, and I'm not certain how deep the lake is, or how far I can go before I slip into the deep end. Right now, just the thought of letting a complete stranger look into those waters, and see whatever might float to the surface, is a bit ... terrifying. I really hope I'm in better shape tomorrow.

It's been really rough for the last year or two, depending. Am I the only one feeling weak? I know that lots of us struggle and I have the least right to complain of anyone I know. Can't even say that I am on the Spectrum, ADHD, or anything. There really is no excuse for the way I am feeling and I feel guilty about it. I'm not suicidal or even depressed at all, not one bit.

I recently had a row with my wife. She told me I bottle everything up and I don't show my emotions. What I wonder is this because I'm a man? Or is it due to the fact that I longed to be a girl?

My wife knew I liked to occasionally dress before we married, when the kids come along I was forbidden to do it and still am. I do everything without her knowledge now. Hotel stays when working, fishing holidays etc, allows Leeanna time.

Have you ever a blast while failing? I tried to make a home-made pizza with Sam, and even though the pizza itself was a flop, it was a hoot for me, and I hope for Sam as well.

No, I'm not being conceited. This heat wave has not been kind to me and since Thursday I've been feeling tired, nauseous, not thinking clearly, and just generally feeling terrible. As a result I wasn't able to post the new chapter of Cold Fey to my Patreon. I pushed through and got it posted a day and a half late but just ended up feeling worse. Well, apparently I have a mild case of heatstroke so I'm supposed to be resting, drinking lots of fluids, and doing my best to keep cool. That last one is a bit of a pain in the ass but I'm managing okay, I think.

To make it short and sweet, I hated men due to my early experiences with them, and I hated being one. The people around me never said I was manly, especially my wife of 38 years. Finally, I gave up and started trying figure out what living as a woman would be like. There are some good people around me, so I didn't do suicide because I didn't want to hurt them.

got a body blow today.

Carol told me Mike had a meltdown on the weekend. He got very angry at an employee at the wildlife park over nothing

this is very much unlike him, but something she was warned about as his disease progresses

he went for a test today, the results will tell us if it is getting worse for sure, but he's already told Carol that if he ever gets violent she has his permission to put him into long term care

the worst thing of getting the news about Mike today was it was Sam's grad today, and I hate that I couldn't be happier for her

Always comes into play when you think you are on top of things!

spent some time with my friend Cheryl Teddy Thomas, and it was wonderful.

Her little dog fell asleep on my chest, and I confessed that my mom's paranoia is draining me of spoons, something I've avoided confronting.

I needed both.

I don't know how other people adapt to today's reality, but for me, belonging to something or someone makes things easier. Over the years, since my Divorce and being abandoned I've tried a number of things, most of which seemed to work for a while. Some have been frustrated with me because of my penchant for getting involved in belief systems, and generally a Trans person can not satisfy them, or I could not. Both Christianity and Islam did not work out, though it seems that a branch of Judaism does.

So today was a crappy day.

It started with me having a dream where I took pleasure in being cruel to someone, which has got me thinking I'm too dangerous and should commit myself.

then I went to the doctor, and got the results from the CT scan of my head, which showed nothing wrong. That would be good news, except it leaves why I'm having word drop and stuttering and memory issues a mystery.

Then mom and I picked up Sam at work and took her home, and Sharon asked for a ride to the post office.

So I have set up a Patreon account so if you go to https://www.patreon.com/creator-home and search for creator 'Maddy Bell' you should land on the page!

okay so I finally, finally, finally took all the clothes that don't fit me to goodwill,

This has been hanging over my head for months, so to get it off my "to do" list feels like a super-human accomplishment.

So apparently Sharon has been portraying me in glowing terms to her family.

The funny thing is she told me they are mostly suspicious of guys, but her descriptions of me have caused them to approve of me sight unseen.

good news, I think

It is clear to me that exercise and healthy foods help just lots. As most people in this circle know, life for T folk, especially post op ones can really be heartbreaking. Not that long ago, I was talking with my counsellor about riding my bike for a number of things, especially to get groceries. I mentioned a certain market in a popular location and she suddenly seemed very tense. I asked her what was wrong and she denied any issue. She to has an electric bike and passed me one day, though at the time I did not know it was her.

Found a couple of nice dresses at Target online. Got my new sundress last week, and a skater dress arrived today.

They fit, look okay, but they'd definitely look a lot nicer if I could shed 15 to 20 pounds. (I'm 5'10" and 196, give or take a few.) Right now, I'm not exactly a quarter-tonner, but I could definitely use a waistline that doesn't look 8 months pregnant.

While I'll likely still be too reserved/shy/terrified/ashamed to wear them anywhere, I'd at least like the idea that I could.