Autobiographical

two bits of good news to share

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I have two bits of good news to share.

1st bit of good news, I found the email of the lady who ran the local writing group, we had a good trade in emails, and I feel like I have rediscovered a friend I had lost.

2nd bit of good news, I used my new CPAP machine for the first time last night, and I only had 6.6 apnea incidents per hour. in my original sleep study I was getting 130 incidents/hour, and on my old machine I was still getting 35-40.

so yay!

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coming to terms with who I'm attracted to

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I think I can finally admit I find the idea of dating a crossdressing man appealing. what that says about me, I have no clue, but since it has maybe a 1% chance of happening, I probably shouldn't panic about it.

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I guess I'm a slow kitty

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Wow. I guess I really am a blonde bimbo after all. All those jokes that I've made about dying my hair wild colors being artificial intelligence are true. That or I was distracted by something reaaally shiny at the time. It only took me damn near twelve years but I finally realized something.

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Readjustment

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We buried my mother Wednesday, beside her parents in the family plot in Crab Orchard, Kentucky. That has a nice location on a hill. (Her father was on the cemetery board of directors.)

There were surprisingly many people at the service, here in Frankfort, including the music director and minister from her church. The former led us in singing Mother's favorite hymn. The latter gave a short sermon. Just as Mother wanted.

However, only her descendants and a few cousins made the hour and a half trip to Crab Orchard (where Mother was reared).

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it's amazing

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It's amazing, interesting... idk. Strange, anyway, when you realize that something you haven't thought of since you were much younger... something that happened when you were about 5 years old, has had a profound effect on your personality almost 50 years later (48, but who's counting?).

I've discovered that something that was done to me when I was a child has affected me more than I ever thought... leaving some profound trauma in its wake.

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Patty or Pat

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As many of you who follow my blog know, I'm retired and drive school bus (about 20 hours a week) to combat the boredom of retirement. I'm sure that I've also mentioned that when I drive the bus I dress very butch. My usual fair is androgynous tennis shoes, dark grey jeans, polo shirt and an equally androgynous vest issued by the company with the company name on it. The jeans, BTW, aren't skinny jeans. The only thing feminine about my appearance would be the way I wear my hair; pulled back at the sides and held with a small barrette that is nearly the same color as my hair.

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I might be moving

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Well, things could be changing here in a serious way.

I think the time has come for my mom to find a senior's lodge, as her paranoia over Carol is causing problems.

It might take a while, with waiting lists, and COVID being factors.

But the bigger question is what do I do?

Do I try and find a place with a 2 bedroom suite so we can continue to be together?

That would be mom's first preference, and mine too, but it may not be practical, or even possible.

I guess time will tell . . .

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Sad News

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We knew this was coming; my Mother was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer back in November. However she didn't want us to tell anyone until after she was gone.

There were multiple ups and downs, but the downs predominated and she slowly grew worse. She died at around 2:40 this afternoon, at age 89.

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allergy results and revelations

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Today I went to get tested for allergies, and I tested positive to cat hair, tree pollen, grass, and shrimp - the latter is apparently bad enough they have proscribed an epi pen for me.

But something interesting happened.

When they first gave me my results and the prescription, I noticed it had the wrong name, so I had to go back in and get things straightened out.

But what was interesting was the young woman receptionist apologized repeatedly, and I told her not to sweat it, since I got the corrected information.

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enter the depression

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So, I've entered a depression, and I'm trying to be as mindful of what happens as I was during my manic phase.

So far, I'm having a rather unusual symptom, at least for me, I've lost my appetite.

Not much I can do but maybe force myself to eat a little.

hugs appreciated, folks

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"The Killing Joke"

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I was watching "Atop the fourth wall" on Youtube, and he did a review of "the Killing Joke", which is a Batman story. The main theme of the story is the Joker believes what separates him from regular people is just one bad day.

He's wrong, of course, and I can show proof by pointing to many of my friends who have had "one bad day" - in many cases it was much more than just one day - and who are kind, generous, and would never hurt anybody.

Now, if you're wondering why I don't use me as an example, the answer is simple.

Unlike my friends, I'm broken and dangerous.

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I'm very frustrated with myself

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I've been working on a sequel to "Demonstration Model" and I'm getting frustrated with myself.

I've developed a reputation for flash fiction, and while that's not bad, sometimes, I'd like to actually let a story breathe a bit.

But that's not happening with this story. I'm 370 words in, and I'm going to be lucky to end up with over 500 words.

sighs . . .

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I had an unusual dream

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Okay last night I had a very unusual dream.

it started with me in school, and discovering I was failing in a class, and feeling very upset about that.

Then I went out of that classroom and realized that the building was some kind of construct, and I could walk through the walls.

So that's exactly what I did.

I had one scary moment when someone grabbed my arm as I was walking through a wall, but I told them to let me go or something messy would happen, and they let me go.

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Thought's on why we are, what we are

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I have been chatting to Patricia on here for a day or two. She kindly offered to help me with images for my stories.

She sent me a link to her story on the site, Silence is Golden. I was not surprised how much her story reflected my own to some extent.
There were a few things she asks that I asked myself or was asked by my wife.

Here are some of my thoughts. Excerts from her story are in bold.

Why do I want to wear the clothes?

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Another Mother Update

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Mother is home, in her room, in a hospital-type bed, courtesy of Hospice/Care Navigators. She has two caregivers (arranged by my sister, with help from her youngest daughter) for round-the-clock care. Considering that she was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer over two months ago, she's doing quite well. How much longer she'll do well we don't know.

We still don't know what caused her stroke-like problem, a week and a half ago. In fact, we still don't know what is causing her gut upset, which she's been suffering from for nearly two years.

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dodging bullets

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Well, "dodging bullets" seems to be a theme around here today.

My brother dodged a bullet when we found out he hadn't dislocated his knee or torn tendons as we had feared, but had just inflamed everything. Bit of rest, and then light exercise, and he will be on the road to recovery.

Mom and I dodged a bullet dealing with COVID, as while we couldn't get a test to confirm, it seems likely we had a mild version of the disease, meaning the fact we were both vaccinated probably prevented us from needing to be hospitalized.

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My brother has had a bad couple of days

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My brother Mike has had a bad couple of days.

It started with him finding out yesterday that a good friend is in the hospital after their vehicle was struck by a train.

And then today he tried to help me shovel the walk and made his knee worse, to the point he couldn't hardly walk.

so if you're the praying type, some prayers for my family would be appreciated.

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Uncertain Future

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My Mother took a turn for the worse Tuesday. We're not sure, but she may have had a stroke. We were just lucky the nurse from Care Navigators was there for her weekly visit and got Mother transferred to the closest Hospice facility immediately. Mother is currently in the Hospice/Care Navigators section of Saint Joseph Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky.

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hopeful dreams

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yesterday I had two dreams that have me thinking I might be going in a good direction.

In the first I was in line to see a movie and wanted to make sure I'd be able to stop at the concession stand, and in the second I was at university and headed towards my locker after my last class.

What made these dreams different was that I knew where I wanted to go, I just had to make the journey, instead of feeling anxious that I wouldn't be able to find what I was looking for.

So hopeful, I think.

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having a breakdown in Walmart

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So Mom and I thought we were feeling well enough to go get some groceries, but while walking around Walmart, my knee tweaked and Mom told me to go back to the car.

Once back at the car, I had a complete breakdown - crying, shaking, and not being able to stop.

Fortunately I had myself under control by the time mom came out with the groceries, so she didn't see my breakdown, but honestly, I still feel pretty shaky

so hugs appreciated.

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