Autobiographical

open letter to RobertaME

In all my 74 years on this planet, I have insulted or hurt more people than I can count! But you know what? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke or an insult!

Oh I know I'm an awful person...or...I WAS. The thing is, I don't, I CAN'T allow all those hurts and insults rule my life! If I did, I'd be in the same funk that has you tied up right now.

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made a discovery about myself

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Its weird to have a revelation about yourself at 55.

But I did yesterday, as I finally realized I am super tactile.

I'm always stroking my blankets, or my stuffed toys, or just about anything I can reach.

Thing is, even now being able to acknowledge this, I still have no clue why I do this.

ah, well.

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insights from my therapist

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My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:

"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.

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Thongs

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I was wondering about Thongs; they seem so sexy, and even in my dotage my thought life...I want to be sexy. So I got a pack of 3. Even after letting one "settle" in, it was not fun, especially while riding a bike. Being my normal stubborn self, I did research. Female pelvises have up to 2" inches more space for Thongs, to facilitate child birth, and to make males think unseemly thoughts.

I haven't thrown them out, but it is unlikely one will ever find its way to my skinny butt again.

Naughtily.

Gwen

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more dreams? Yes, more dreams

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in case anybody isn't tired of me talking about my dreams, here is last night's:

I dreamed I was an assistant to a young man, who looked like an athlete. I was following him, taking notes on a notepad, and after entering a hotel room with 2 beautiful women on the bed, he announced he was going to take a bath.

Because he also wanted me to keep taking notes, he had me follow him, and in the swimming-pool sized tub were 3 more women who I ignored as I kept taking notes.

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maybe I should just not be around people

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So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.

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Tomorrow morning ...

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... I'm scheduled to be meeting with a therapist.

I'm not sure if I'm ready. I feel like I'm wading into a lake, and years of memories are being stirred up as I walk. The water is too murky to see my own feet, and I'm not certain how deep the lake is, or how far I can go before I slip into the deep end. Right now, just the thought of letting a complete stranger look into those waters, and see whatever might float to the surface, is a bit ... terrifying. I really hope I'm in better shape tomorrow.

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guess, what? Its dream time again!

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okay, its dream time again.

last night I dreamed I was working in a place that kind of reminded me of Black Mesa from the game Half Life. But unlike the game, we were not evacuating, but we were moving.

After helping a woman with some offices, I went to see if I could help anybody else, when one of the senior people there told me we had a spy somewhere in the facility, and asked me to do a search.

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Just Saying.

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It's been really rough for the last year or two, depending. Am I the only one feeling weak? I know that lots of us struggle and I have the least right to complain of anyone I know. Can't even say that I am on the Spectrum, ADHD, or anything. There really is no excuse for the way I am feeling and I feel guilty about it. I'm not suicidal or even depressed at all, not one bit.

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Emotional Cripple, Is it because I'm a guy or Trans TV/CD?

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I recently had a row with my wife. She told me I bottle everything up and I don't show my emotions. What I wonder is this because I'm a man? Or is it due to the fact that I longed to be a girl?

My wife knew I liked to occasionally dress before we married, when the kids come along I was forbidden to do it and still am. I do everything without her knowledge now. Hotel stays when working, fishing holidays etc, allows Leeanna time.

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The End Of Gender Change

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I was very late to learn to read and in the early 50s, the teachers I'd had were neither patient or gentle. A teacher I had in the 4th grade, instead of lecturing me, gave me a book that looked very interesting and sitting with a child's dictionary and that book I learned to read somewhat. The name of the book was 'Bull Dozer' and looking, a used copy of it on Amazon is $90. Later in the 7th grade, my teacher noticed my idle fiddling and handed me an encyclopedia to read. By the end of that year, I'd read them all.

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I'm so damn hot

No, I'm not being conceited. This heat wave has not been kind to me and since Thursday I've been feeling tired, nauseous, not thinking clearly, and just generally feeling terrible. As a result I wasn't able to post the new chapter of Cold Fey to my Patreon. I pushed through and got it posted a day and a half late but just ended up feeling worse. Well, apparently I have a mild case of heatstroke so I'm supposed to be resting, drinking lots of fluids, and doing my best to keep cool. That last one is a bit of a pain in the ass but I'm managing okay, I think.

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Was I Ever Transgender?

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To make it short and sweet, I hated men due to my early experiences with them, and I hated being one. The people around me never said I was manly, especially my wife of 38 years. Finally, I gave up and started trying figure out what living as a woman would be like. There are some good people around me, so I didn't do suicide because I didn't want to hurt them.

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giving an author a push

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I'd like to take a moment and give a fellow author here a bit of a push.

I've been reading RobertaME's autobiographical work, "For God so loved the world", and while a lot of it is painful, it is ultimately a story of faith and survival.

If you're so inclined, she'd love feedback on the piece, which is found here:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90781/god-so-loved-world

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got a body blow today

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got a body blow today.

Carol told me Mike had a meltdown on the weekend. He got very angry at an employee at the wildlife park over nothing

this is very much unlike him, but something she was warned about as his disease progresses

he went for a test today, the results will tell us if it is getting worse for sure, but he's already told Carol that if he ever gets violent she has his permission to put him into long term care

the worst thing of getting the news about Mike today was it was Sam's grad today, and I hate that I couldn't be happier for her

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Planning on finding a therapist

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It's been a few years since I've seen a therapist. I'd stopped, because it was starting to bring up stuff I felt like I couldn't handle. I still ain't sure if I can handle it, but stuff seems to be bubbling up, and trying to ignore it doesn't seem to be helping any more. So, I've decided to try contacting my healthcare provider today.

I'm really, really nervous about looking for a therapist to help me with stuff. I'm tired of hiding from my past, but I'm also scared of facing it. Anybody got any suggestions on how to do this with the least amount of issues?

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Belonging To Something

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I don't know how other people adapt to today's reality, but for me, belonging to something or someone makes things easier. Over the years, since my Divorce and being abandoned I've tried a number of things, most of which seemed to work for a while. Some have been frustrated with me because of my penchant for getting involved in belief systems, and generally a Trans person can not satisfy them, or I could not. Both Christianity and Islam did not work out, though it seems that a branch of Judaism does.

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one crappy day

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So today was a crappy day.

It started with me having a dream where I took pleasure in being cruel to someone, which has got me thinking I'm too dangerous and should commit myself.

then I went to the doctor, and got the results from the CT scan of my head, which showed nothing wrong. That would be good news, except it leaves why I'm having word drop and stuttering and memory issues a mystery.

Then mom and I picked up Sam at work and took her home, and Sharon asked for a ride to the post office.

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The PAIN!!!

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No one to blame here. Just sitting here reading and was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of grief. No Drama or talk of ending it. Just wanted to say how much it hurts.

Had a wife of 38 years that got to drinking. Blame myself for not putting an end to that and getting her help. Two of my Children blame me for it all. One is supportive and loving.

I miss that woman powerfully and it hurts so much. I could never be man enough for her and as it developed, I wasn't a man at all. Just wish it could have been different though. Maybe the hurt will be gone in the morning?

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Sharon is singing my praises

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So apparently Sharon has been portraying me in glowing terms to her family.

The funny thing is she told me they are mostly suspicious of guys, but her descriptions of me have caused them to approve of me sight unseen.

good news, I think

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Another Olympiad over

and to be honest, I've not really been following the coverage but I do know that Team GB claimed the cycling crown with 6 golds out of the 22 on offer, 1 ahead of the Netherlands, the only other nation to win more than 1 event. Overall our tiny islands came in fourth behind the behemoths of the US and China with host nation Japan getting home advantage for third although with a smaller total medal count, the UK's 22 golds more than twice that of any other European nation. But as they say, Its not the winning but the taking part that counts - but winning is nice!

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T folk Dangerous?

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It is clear to me that exercise and healthy foods help just lots. As most people in this circle know, life for T folk, especially post op ones can really be heartbreaking. Not that long ago, I was talking with my counsellor about riding my bike for a number of things, especially to get groceries. I mentioned a certain market in a popular location and she suddenly seemed very tense. I asked her what was wrong and she denied any issue. She to has an electric bike and passed me one day, though at the time I did not know it was her.

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Diet Imperative!!

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Found a couple of nice dresses at Target online. Got my new sundress last week, and a skater dress arrived today.

They fit, look okay, but they'd definitely look a lot nicer if I could shed 15 to 20 pounds. (I'm 5'10" and 196, give or take a few.) Right now, I'm not exactly a quarter-tonner, but I could definitely use a waistline that doesn't look 8 months pregnant.

While I'll likely still be too reserved/shy/terrified/ashamed to wear them anywhere, I'd at least like the idea that I could.

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That moment when...

the universe makes it abundantly clear that it has it in for you. I had that moment last night. After a fantastically shitty day where everything bad that could happen did happen my word processor decided to crash mid-writing session. Then, at the very second that I screamed to the heavens, "Why can't anything ever go right for me!" that is when the universe delivered the coup de grace by having winblows give me the blue screen of death and shut down, oh and then I broke a nail.

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writing update: Portal problems

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For anybody interested in seeing more of Portal Problems, I'm afraid I'm shelving it for now. After publishing the first chapter and seeing the responses, I took a look at the next few chapters, and realized the characters lacked . . . character. They do stuff, but the reader would learn nothing about them.

So unless I can fix that, the rest of the story will not be published.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

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Its Just a Skirt on Kindle

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A bit of a rough patch with book sales again. Bills next month might be a little tight so I'm looking for a bit of help. Gonna post a link to one of my more popular books here again. When I did this in June, I got a small boost in sales that will definitely help me out next month. This blog will hopefully help me to pay my bills at the end of September, unfortunately there's not much help I can get now though :(. I'll have to squeak by next month with what little I made in May.

Here's a link to Its Just a Skirt. If anyone hasn't read it, I'd be happy for the help :)

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