It truly would.

I could wait until my parents are gone and take a bottle of painkillers or muscle relaxers from their room. By the time they got home it would be done.

I could break into my dad's gun cabinet. Glass doors are only a deterrent when the person getting in is worried about damaging them, and what would I care, given the end goal?

I could simply walk out to his shop. A rope from the rafters, or his chain wench, or any of the various knives, power tools, and so on, depending on how much I wanted to make myself suffer.

As it could be upsetting to some.

Some time back, I posted about having a mole removed from my back and finding out it was melanoma. So, after seeing an oncological surgeon, she sent me for a PET scan. My PET scan came back negative, which was of course great news - but there was of course the fact that my mole still tested out as stage four melanoma. After the PET scan, this was reclassed to stage three based on the results of the scan.

Back in 2019, something happened with my depression medication. We still don't know if it was the pharmacy or the psychiatrist that was at fault, or both, but somehow my depression medication went from 60 mg to 0 then way up to 100 mg. This caused me to completely whig out.

I wish!

So as the title of this blog alludes to, I'm finally close to filing my legal name change.

I managed to change my gender marker in New Jersey and I've been waiting to get my birth certificate changed till I also had my name change so that I only have to pay one fee to the state of California (where I was born).

We're so pleased to be with you, look around see what you do

I got my first COVID vaccination shot!

Yayyyyy!

Now, if they could only make a vaccine for girl germs I'd be finally safe from Jaci!

okay for some reason a moment from when I was in junior high has been on my mind lately.

It's possible I've mentioned it before, but since I've been thinking about it, I'm gonna bring it up now.
See, in junior high, I thought it might be possible for me to find a way to fit in, as I was now more actively engaged in my life, recovering from my "dead kid" phase.

So I looked into athletics.

Now I wasn't strong, fast, or really all that coordinated, so this was a bit of a faint hope, but there is one athletic endeavor I thought I could master - track and field,

[Content Warning: Depression, Despair]

I mentioned part of this a month ago on Facebook, but not here. So I'll go ahead with the whole announcement.

Late in December, after getting over COVID, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Just having a prostate was bad enough, but it had to grow a cancer as well. Early in March, the doctor and I agreed on surgery to remove it.

Okay so yesterday Mike and Carol bought a new dining room set, and in order to get it in the house, we used a device called a "forearm forklift" you put these straps under the table, and then the other end around your forearms, and lift it in.

I was less helpful than I wish I could have been, a consequence of my non-athletic lifestyle, but we did manage to get it in,

But last night, I noticed I had a line of bruises across my forearms and for a second couldn't figure out how I had gotten them until I remembered the forearm forklift.

I'm fighting Mr. Nasty, who is telling me my writing has no effect on anybody.

So if anything I've written has impacted you even a little, can you share it with me?

My Stalker is back! Strange guy. Older man. First time I met him was in a discount clothing store. I was checking out some shirts and he sorta struck up a conversation with me. At first it seemed okay, but then it started to get a little strange. For one thing he stayed with me as I browsed. I walked away and started looking at blouses on another aisle and when I turned around he was right there. Then he started commenting on my choices, quite as if he had a say-so on what I wore. I finally grabbed a few blouses and ducked into a lady's changing booth.

This morning I had to get up at the unholy time of 4:30. I packed up my cousin and took him to the hospital. 6 hours later we were home.

The doctor said, even with toes freshly amputated, he can walk as much as he can bear.

We'll see how things look Friday at the checkup. Just praying that it goes well this week and he doesn't overdo it. He has no feeling in the foot, so no way to know if he's pressing too far, and I'm not to change the dressing.

Geez, anyone would think I had everything planned out!

Ok, I got a serious problem here. In the last week, I have had two different dreams where I found myself facing a handsome young man who isn't wearing a shirt.

Will everybody please join me in asking Jaci to take her girl germs back now?

so I got a sleep study done last night, which basically forced me to have a shower today.

Showers are my bane. but personal care in general is always a struggle.

The shower thing is a legacy of my stepfather, I suspect the other stuff is a mix of causes.

Just got to keep fighting, I guess

so Shylo At AffirmingMinistries has asked me to be a speaker at a livestream for International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. It will be held on May 17th, 2021 from 2:30-3:30pm.

My talk will be livestreamed on both the Affirming Ministries and Robertson-Wesley United Church Facebook Pages. The stream will be recorded and posted on additional social media for both ministries such as Instagram and Youtube.

I'm amazed and staggered to be considered for such a thing.

or is that first?

Hey everyone,

So I saw an internist today because my doctor was concerned about me having a high white blood cell count, and I got some good news.

First, my BP today is 107/70, which is fantastic.

Second, my white blood cell count has been going up and down, from above 15 to 11.7 (11 is normal), so odds are its not anything like cancer.

The internist is sending me for some more tests, but for now, I'm gonna call this a win.

even if you never watched "the walking dead" you might have seen the image of a door with the words "Don't open. Dead inside"

well, that's how I feel right now,

I yam exhaustipated.

My arm hurts from my wrist to my ear, and I'm so tired I am not funtioning. This is worse than the first dose which was similar.

Hopefully, I'll be better tomorrow.

Hugs to all and thanks Moderna,
Erin