This blog was originally posted on my website, but I'm sharing it here because I feel some of you will be interested.

so I had a pretty productive day.

Mike and I weeded the front lawn, then I trimmed the side, then I watched as my TV was removed (along some other trash), then I did a bottle run.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but I feel good about the day, and that doesn't happen all that often.

and here at Bev's Acres (well metres), we've not long had Sunday lunch.

I've been praying that God would make me a girl and wishing that I was born a girl since I was 5.

I began to have PMS symptoms (migraines, cramping, bloating, and wild mood swings) when I was 12 for a few days every month. When I was 15, I started getting female curves, so I gained 150 pounds to hide them since I was beaten up on a regular basis for acting like a girl and I was afraid of getting beaten even worse, raped, and/or killed if I looked like a girl too.

and they taketh away!

for a few days at least!

I confirmed my worst fears.

I phoned the Calgary law library about what happened to my rapist, and there is no record of a conviction.

Now, it could be there was a publication ban to protect his victims, or a jury trial, in which case no written statement about the conviction would be on record

but he was able to testify in a civil suit in 1999, so unlikely he'd been charged before then.

and considering he was raping me from about 1973 to 1975, its unlikely my name would have been brought up in any case against him.

so today, I went and got x-rays on my knees, and the tech asked me if I still had my periods.

even after so long into my transition, I still appreciate moments of validation like this.

Hoping this is all due to inactivity caused by Covid precautions. Out walking makes me feel exhausted, and my BP, Blood Sugar, and Oxy are all showing borderline. I lost 45lbs this winter. I have not been able to get in touch with the Doctor yet. I'll try real hard tomorrow.

I value you all. Please, no emotional emails or phone calls. I've been a snot at times but you loved me anyhow.

Gwen

I'm taking three days off for a trip to the desert and the sequoias. I'll be back Tuesday. I'll have my phone but not my laptop. Piper and Cat will be watching the site. Love you all.

Hugs,
Erin

Yesterday my mom found a box in her closet that turned out to have a number of items from a very long time ago.

among the items was my father's sergeant's pins, and a couple of report cards of mine from when I was in junior high school.

The report cards showed that I was highly creative, struggling socially, and had the worst handwriting ever, so I guess not much has changed.

but still smarting.

if anybody wants to watch my speech, I have it on google drive, so just pm me an email account and I can share it.

just a reminder,

if you want to see my little speech for the International day against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia will take place Tomorrow at 2 PM UTC-06 – 3:30 PM UTC-06 here on Facebook live, and then will hopefully be available elsewhere after.

I hope I don't embarrass myself . . .

So I guess I forgot to mention here that after my sleep study the doctor recommended me have a CPAP machine, and today I picked it up.

hopefully I can get used to wearing one, as apparently I stop breathing 100 times every hour.

Fun early morning. About 2:30 this AM, as I was trying to get to sleep, I was disturbed (I'm always disturbed, but this time, it was more than just my imagination that did it) by squealing tires, a crashing sound, and a thud so hard, it shook my house.

I hurriedly threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, and ran outside. I found a crowd already surrounding an overturned car in my neighbor's driveway. My son and daughter had hurried out as well, and my son said he saw the driver walking down the street when he hurried outside.

Hey everyone,

Just a quick note to let you all know that Chapter 2 of A Cold Fey In Hell is now available for everyone on my patreon page here and chapter 3 is available for patrons. I will be bringing the story over to BCTS one chapter a week starting in June, but the newest chapters will remain on Patreon.

*big hugs*

Amethyst

and a return to more autumnal temperatures!

So I got some adulting done. Did a bottle run, vacuumed out the inside of my car, filled up on gas, got my rent out of the bank, and bought my mom a small container of ice cream.

All while feeling like "meh" and fighting PTSD

so yay me, I guess.

It truly would.

I could wait until my parents are gone and take a bottle of painkillers or muscle relaxers from their room. By the time they got home it would be done.

I could break into my dad's gun cabinet. Glass doors are only a deterrent when the person getting in is worried about damaging them, and what would I care, given the end goal?

I could simply walk out to his shop. A rope from the rafters, or his chain wench, or any of the various knives, power tools, and so on, depending on how much I wanted to make myself suffer.

As it could be upsetting to some.

Some time back, I posted about having a mole removed from my back and finding out it was melanoma. So, after seeing an oncological surgeon, she sent me for a PET scan. My PET scan came back negative, which was of course great news - but there was of course the fact that my mole still tested out as stage four melanoma. After the PET scan, this was reclassed to stage three based on the results of the scan.

Back in 2019, something happened with my depression medication. We still don't know if it was the pharmacy or the psychiatrist that was at fault, or both, but somehow my depression medication went from 60 mg to 0 then way up to 100 mg. This caused me to completely whig out.