I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

So last I had posted was before Dad came home for Hospice. Well, he passed away on January the 5th. Since then I have been dealing with the vultures in the family. I got my brother and his younger son both wanting to move in, but I can't afford to live here myself. I really can't afford to have them move in and not pay anything. My brother keeps insisting everything should be his, but dad did a living trust and gave me almost everything except his van, all because my brother only visited him once in the past 15 months.

“It’s true that love can be hard on a person—the act of loving someone the way they need to be loved instead of how you want to love them, I mean. It takes a lot of effort to make someone else’s desires and troubles your own. You have to want it more than anything. And you have to want it whether they notice or not. Because that’s the nature of the thing: to care so much that it doesn’t matter if they ever reciprocate. If you really feel that way, you can’t hurt them. You just can’t. And when they hurt you, you forget it right away.”

And deeper in debt. Today is my birthday, and in a few weeks I'll have clocked fifteen years as a member here on BC.

of my new PC!

So I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my councilor yesterday. We had talked about my rapes a little, and how I used writing as a way to process them, and then we were talking about my stepfather and my councilor asked me if I had written any stories about my time with him.

I checked, and I have not.

Now, I'm no expert, but when a part of my life is so radioactive I cant even fictionalize it, something is up.

Oh boy, more slogging ahead, this is NOT gonna be fun . . .

on the computer front!

Well, I found out my daughter got spat on by 2 guys while waiting for the bus home.

I wish I could do more for her beyond just remind her we love her.

I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.

Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.

And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.

those, 2-3 days difference really do make February feel short!

Just a quick family update:

we took mom to the geriatric clinic for an assessment, and the doctor there is adding a medication so mom can be less agitated at night, we'll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, my daughter may be attending NAIT in September, we're waiting to find out the details.

As for me, well, we'll have to see how that goes too.

I'm so very sorry for not posting in such a long time.

It seems like it was almost someone else who wrote Accidental Magic and all those other things.

I am rewriting Accidental Magic, at least the first few chapters, and I have a chapter 28 or 29, whichever it happens to be.

Anyone still interested in it?
Let me know.

ALLY KAT.

and this month I'm not being stiffed by Amazon

Hey everyone,

Just a quick note to let you all know that I won't be able to post the new chapter or MSPD until tomorrow night. It's practically finished but Martin ended up working a double shift today and won't be home until after midnight. Since s/he also has to get up for work tomorrow at five that means we'll have no time to do the editing together until s/he gets home tomorrow evening. I am working on something else though and may have some other stuff to post soonish.

*big hugs to you all*

Amethyst

remember when I talked about managing to switch my blankets in my sleep?

Well I topped that last night.

I woke to find that I had not only kicked off both blankets, I had somehow kicked off the sheet I had been sleeping on.

I guess I'm kind of lucky I don't have a sleeping partner, I'm a serious hazard in bed.

but hopefully not too much will fall.

- well it got your attention at least!

So I saw my doctor the other day in regards to some blood tests he had ordered for me.

Some good news, my liver is doing better, my bad cholesterol has dropped, but there was one troubling result.

My white blood count is very high, and has been high for months.

Now there are lots of things that could cause that, but the one I immediately thought of was the Big C - cancer.

My doctor is going to try and get me an appointment with a specialist, but with COVID, it may not happen quickly, so I'm going to have this hanging over my head for a while.

Hey everyone,

Just a quick note to let you all know that Apocalypse Dawn and I Wish might be a bit late this week. I've had a busy couple of days and it's really cut into my writing time. I'm working on the new chapter of AD now, but I don't know if I'm going to have it finished and edited tonight. So, it's sort-of likely that both stories will be a day late this week unless I'm super productive.

*big hugs to you all*

Amethyst

So a couple months back, (December), I had my nails done. They came out beautiful, a beautiful smoky blue that was still brilliant, and it was a gel coat, so yay!.

My son's friend A came over one day (I'm not entirely out locally, but am to almost all our close friends). She looks at my nails and asks "Why are your nails painted?"

I looked at her and replied "why not?"

She said "So you are a mommy?"

and I replied "yes".

an icy wind but I think all the snow got snaffled up further east!

all right, so last night I had another nightmare within moments of falling asleep.

Both were about losing control on a slippery surface - the first while driving a car, the second while trying to walk down a set of stairs.

I'm officially concerned now . . .

Yes indeedy, its time to be entertained.

so apparently last night I started shouting in my sleep.

I cant remember what I was dreaming that would make me cry out.

The thing is, as a kid I did that a lot, and even as an adult I still did it until I started going to therapy and recovered some of the memories of my abuse (which is when I started having flashbacks instead), and as far as I know I no longer cried out in my sleep - until last night.

You're gonna have to forgive me if that's a little concerning for me.