Hey everyone,

It's been two weeks since I've gotten groceries. I had to go, or the specter of starvation might overcome me. Since the stimulus there was money to shop. I was poking about for some eggs and then I spotted those precooked pasta. These had shrimp and lobster inside. I reached round a Native looking man to get some. Later we looked through the Cereal together. Then I noticed Watermelon Juice. So did he. A frision began to steal its way through my innermost parts. Later, at the check stand, he was behind me. What would I do about my vow to finish my life alone?

My anxiety started at about 10:00 last night.

My thirty-year-old baby, the daughter who came to us later than most and after three boys -- called us complaining of intense pain.

She didn't want to go to the hospital until, and if, it was absolutely necessary due to covid worries. Yet - the pains seemed to be intensifying.

We were over two hundred miles away and could only give suggestions and sympathy.

At 4:30 we received a FaceTime call. The image of my wonderful daughter and her new son caused my heart to swell.

I finally went to sleep.

second time I've seen it down here.

so its been a good news/bad news situation here.

the good news is my mom is eating a little bit more, although it's still probably below or at best at the daily minimum.

the bad news is her anxiety has increased to the point she can't be left alone, even while in bed.

sighs . . .

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.

well, I got good news and bad news.

the good news is mom finally was able to keep something down, even if it was just a small cup of rice pudding, a liquid yogurt, and 4 spoonfuls of broccoli soup. she also has been given a new medicine which may help keep things going in a good direction.

Bad news is I'm headed in the opposite direction, as a crippling depression snuck up on me tonight.

sighs, keep sending hugs ...

My mom's condition is getting worse.

she's had 4 or 5 delusional episodes today, thinking Mike was fighting a fire in the roof, and Carol was not letting him come down., even though we went upstairs and opened gifts together this morning. Plus, she's not eating more than a couple bites of food. we tried fruit cups and yogurt, but its not her teeth, she simply has no apatite.

All of this stuff is complicated by the fact that: A: Its Christmas; and B: we're in a pandemic.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

Seasonal Greetings to you all, whatever you celebrate this week!

Caution: referenced suicide attempt

So I have an update from last blog.

Dad is getting worse to the point that the doctors gave us a choice. He stays in a care place on a machine, which he doesn't want. Or he comes home for Hospice and lives out his time at home. So as of right now he is here and resting on the bed. He has maybe a couple weeks due to them stopping dialysis.

I will try to post soon, but life is about to get hard for a while

So my mom called 911 at 4 AM this morning. But it wasn't all bad, they checked her oxygen levels, her blood sugar levels, and any signs of infection, and all clear.

which just leaves brain issues, I guess.

So now we wait for a psychologist, and hope we can get through Christmas.

ah, well.

is a chapter from The Visitors.

my mom is starting to hear things during the day, as 3 times today she has thought she heard Mike go up into the crawl space and work on the wiring, as well as her now usual 4 AM panic session.

I'm just trying to hang in there for her ...

So my last posting was in August. I am really trying to get the next page out. But then life happened.

When I was training to be a Nurse's Aide, one of the things I was taught was that people with dementia often struggle more at night, and during my time in the job, I confirmed this for myself.

But its one thing when its a stranger who you are being paid to look after, another when its your own mother.

Its been really hard to have my mom wake me at 4 AM almost every day believing that the house is on fire, or Mike is injured, or most often, that Carol is going to come downstairs and throw her out into the street.

Hey everyone,

Jingle all the way!--break-->

So the second week of Advent has seen slightly more settled weather hereabouts, mostly dry and even a spot of sunshine! I've had my first Chrimbo card, from my Grandson (well Mummy had to do the writing bit), I just have to work out how to get his presents up to Yorkshire - there are so many! I think I have a plan, do you think the USS Enterprezzie will be able to do the honours?

I'm struggling with dysphoria, and to make it worse, I feel guilty. I'm so much luckier than most trans people, it feels like I'm being ungrateful to struggle with those things I don't have.

Hugs appreciated.

if you are on facebook, check out a group called Affirming Ministries, they have published my story, "Dreams and Truth", and I'm really stoked about it.

https://www.facebook.com/AffirmingMinistries/photos/a.104151...

I've been trying really hard to finish the new chapter of Apocalypse Dawn, or anything really the past few days, but it's just not happening. For a week, since I got my medical coverage sorted out, I've been trying to find a new doctor, or at the very least someone to renew my prescriptions for my hormones and meds, but so far I can't even get so much as an intake appointment for eight months to a year. The walk-in clinics won't write a new prescription for me either, unless I have a standing one from a local doctor.

.

I haven't had a lot of spoons for writing for a while, mostly due to not being able to get a full night's sleep with my mom having paranoid delusions every night.

But I still have hopes to have something by the first week of December.

so stay tuned ...

my mom had her worst episode yet this morning at 3 AM.

She was so convinced that Carol was coming downstairs to throw her out that she barricaded her bedroom door.

sighs, I'm starting to worry we wont last the month we're supposed to wait before she can get an official evaluation