2 years ago, I had a benign tumor removed from my brain. The surgery went well, and the incision site has healed pretty well, although it still hurts at times. The tumor was squeezing my cerebrum on the left side of my head, causing what, for all intents and purposes, were short circuits in my brain. At times, my memory would completely disappear for several minutes. The partial brain seizures were frightening, and when I told people about them, even my doctor, I received the advice, just get your blood sugar under control.

It took a trip to the emergency room to get a CAT scan that finally showed what was wrong. To be fair, I was also experiencing intense anger at the time, and when I was told that my wife couldn't accompany me into an MRI, I couldn't face it because of claustrophobia and anger, several months before the ER trip.

The memory problems and the anger abated after the surgery, but I sometimes feel that removing the tumor was worse than it's presence. I now stutter, which I never did before. I forget things and can't even remember words. I am extremely clumsy now. I've probably broken more correlle (sp?) dishes in the last two years than I did in the 49 years before (I have a marble floor in my kitchen, and the dishes don't like falling on it.)

Worse yet, I used to be able to play 26 or so instruments. I've only tried 2 since the surgery, and find that my creativity is gone as far as music, and I can't even count out beats that I used to simply know. I used to compose music, and have even produced 2 albums that I distributed to my friends.

Thankfully, when writing, I have the ability to wait for the words to return (although my editor / beta reader sometimes comes up with some wonderfully mixed metaphors.)

Before the surgery, I was writing an HTML routine that would run on my personal server and figure my wife and my budget, complete with a routine that would predict the length of time to get out of debt. After the surgery, it was never finished. I suppose if I can't compose music, I can't write a HTML routine, although before I was proficient in several programming languages.

It was bad enough having both Tourette's Syndrome and Aspergers at the same time, but now adding the new problems in, and sometimes I feel completely worthless. I drove truck, school bus, fire trucks. I used to be a fire commissioner. My biggest problem was being autistic, I get bored with jobs and have to change frequently. Now, I'm home all the time because I'm unable to work except caring for two relatives, in my own home, at my own pace.

I know the useless feelings are my own depression raising its ugly head, and that I'm doing something useful, but that doesn't stop those feelings.

I have a letter from my neurologist forbidding me from driving for work because of the partial brain seizures. For most of my life, I've done driving jobs, and they just instituted a federal law stating that January 1st of this year, if you don't have a valid physical, you lose your commercial drivers license.

Throughout this, I've never once been tempted to end it all, but I'll tell ya. There are times I just want to walk away from everything and start a new life far away from this, but... Not much way to get rid of the problems I'm facing now.

Why am I writing this? Just having a bad day altogether. I guess I need some hugs? IDK. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest, figuratively. Maybe it's a warning. If something ever happens and you're having problems with your thinking processes, get it checked out immediately. Even if you're claustrophobic.

Just writing something about it like this helps. LOL. Just like talking to a therapist.

Anyway, I hope you all have a better day than I've had.

--Rosemary