April 30th will be

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The 30th will mark the second anniversary of actually allowing someone to crack open my skull to remove a meningioma from my brain. I suppose the benefits of it being gone outweigh the problems I had before it was removed, but there are times it's hard to see how.

I used to sit down and compose music with no trouble, but now, I find that the creativity just isn't there. I can orchestrate a pre-existing piece, certainly, but to make something new doesn't seem possible.

There are times that I have to bite my tongue to resist telling someone to find a high cliff and take a running leap, but it's not because of anger like it was before the surgery. Now, it's more from depression. Music was such a massive part of my life, and to find it all but gone is hard to deal with. It's as if a part of me has been excised, and I feel like crying constantly.

I've sat down and tried to MAKE myself compose something, but I don't seem to get past the first few bars.

Maybe it's too soon. 2 years seems to be a bit of time, but I suppose it takes a while for the brain to rewire itself when it's been hurt so much. After all, I'm still tired all the time, so maybe the healing just isn't done, and it's taking all my energy.

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