I hope anyway.........

I am at the bottom of my cycle this week, and the corresponding depression and tears started yesterday, but this month it is much worse than normal.

Whether due to the post holiday depression (although this year the holidays just didn’t seem the same - which I am sure doesn’t help how I feel), or because today was my first day back after 11 days off with my family, or because I am lying in a hotel room by myself once again, or because the past 11 days made me feel like I am not truly a part of my family any more, or one of a myriad of other reasons - I am terribly depressed.

I am exhausted, having gotten up at 2:30AM and left the house at 4:00AM for the 4 hour drive back to my office in PA, meaning that I am operating on two hours of sleep last night. Yet I can’t sleep.

My mind keeps churning over, worrying about my relationship with my spouse; a woman who i love with all my heart who treats me like a good friend who occasionally sleeps in the same bed as her. She wants no part of me sexually, declaring that she is not a lesbian and since I can’t perform penetrative sex anymore she claims to not have any sexual attraction to me at all. Yet I know she still wants to have sex - just not with a woman. I suppose this is a compliment as she sees me as a woman, but I constantly worry that there is a man somewhere. Yeah, we joke about making sure her boyfriend is gone before I come home every weekend, but I can’t help but worry all week while I am gone that it isn’t really a joke. I know deep in my heart that she wouldn’t do that behind my back - but still the doubt is always creeping around in the back of my mind.

Two of my sons live at home, and I know they would not allow something to happen without telling me - but then again, as adults they have their own lives and are not always there.

And even they grow more and more distant as well. Often, when I come home, I feel like a total stranger who is just visiting. I feel excluded, left out from many things, not a part of the family. They talk to her, yet seem to not mention things to me. My oldest son probably doesn’t realize how it makes me feel, as he is simply closer to her and is around her all the time. But my youngest does it on purpose. He still excludes me from much of his life, and he still has issues with me as I am now.

I don’t know if I am so depressed due to the combination of all these things, but I can’t stop worrying about just how long it will be before my wife tells me to not come home - and fear that my sons would have no issue with it as they prefer whatever new man over their transgender parent.

Or perhaps it is all my body simply telling me it’s my time of the month again.

I almost long for the nightmares which I have become accustomed to, the demons of my past come visiting again. Even those haunting nightly terrors would be preferential to the depression and doubt.