Well, I just noticed that my mother-in-law blew my phone up while she was drunk last night. If you knew her that's nothing out of the ordinary especially with the meds she's on. It seemed like every message was coming at me for being transgender. It started with a half dozen missed calls then immediately went to the topic of her daughter marrying a transman. She said I was wrong for saying I'm transgender and that it'd be easier to say I was transitioning. Being honest, I'm not someone who found it necessary to get hormones or surgery.
Well, I'm back again because I just couldn't stay away. I've been taking writing more seriously lately and kept thinking back to this place. It's the only place I really ever felt comfortable or at home. Whenever I try to talk to other writers online it's like talking to a brick wall, but here it's always been different. I appreciate each and every one of you and I look forward to making some new friends as well as getting back in touch with some old ones.
Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. Last night my therapist went over the whole adoption situation for the first time since the anniversary is on Thursday. She had to have told me at least a dozen times that no piece of that blame pie was mine. I know she's right there was nothing I did wrong to cause what happened. In a way it was easier to blame myself because it wouldn't hurt as bad. Since then though my mind has changed and being honest I've been crying all day over that lost time and how it could've been spent.
Well fuck me and my life let me start there. Earlier this morning I spent 2 hours writing a blog trying to explain my anguish and loss during this month. When I came back to reread it I found that it had never published and honestly almost threw my laptop (among other things.) Tell the truth I don't even know why the fuck I'm bothering to write anything again. I mean you know that there are just no words to describe certain situations but I had managed something.
It's been a long time since I've been here. Life has gotten so crazy I lost a lot of who I am. Once I saw that purple banner though all these memories washed over me. I remember all the kind people who encouraged my writing and gave me amazing advice. I missed being here and I hope to become a regular once more. Since I only wrote stories before I thought it'd be interesting to give blogging a try. The thing I seem to know the most about is just life and living. There hasn't really been many things that can happen that I haven't already experienced.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
