Well fuck me and my life let me start there. Earlier this morning I spent 2 hours writing a blog trying to explain my anguish and loss during this month. When I came back to reread it I found that it had never published and honestly almost threw my laptop (among other things.) Tell the truth I don't even know why the fuck I'm bothering to write anything again. I mean you know that there are just no words to describe certain situations but I had managed something.

How can you describe the pain of losing four people the week of Christmas? Every year for six years something horrible has happened the week of Christmas causing me to despise the whole fucking ordeal. All the people running around pretending that everything is normal despite the world we live in now. Its to the point that if I hear Christmas music on I want to go ballistic and hurt as many people possible. The ringers for Salvation Army make me wanna shove those damn bells down their throats. Do they even know that the CEO takes all the charity money? Do people know what it's like in one of those shelters? I spent a few hours in one when my wife and I were homeless this past year. The women there were so rude and treated everyone like criminals. You had to find a way to lock your stuff or it was going to get stolen and I heard the food tasted like it had been bad for a couple days at least. So where does all that money go to?

Sorry I went off a bit it's just I hate everything about this time of year. So the year before last we lost a baby boy who was going to be born on Christmas, (it was a closed private adoption and the mom changed her mind three days after.) For some dumb reason I thought that he was the answer I was looking for. I've also lost two grandmothers a week before Christmas a year apart, which is a whole nother situation. I thought that he was going to make me love Christmas again but that didn't happen. We got a text 3 days later saying that it was off and that we needed to leave them the fuck alone. Oddly enough a little while goes by and my wife brings up trying to adopt again. I'm hesitant because of what happened and I didn't even know if I wanted kids anymore.

Everything changed though the first time I saw her picture. She's beautiful, dark curly hair and deep eyes but for some reason I saw my own face when I looked at her. I cried for a long time after that battling with what I should do. In the end we went ahead and began the process but it was shady from the start. Our caseworker had a tendency to lose paperwork a lot (always mine.) Looking back the deeper we went the more she seemed to try and deter us. She even went as far as trying to deny us because my fingerprints came back with a hold on it. The hold was because I've lived in three states and numerous cities and each one was separate. I literally had to have the state of Pennsylvania call her and tell her what it meant.

We did everything and we were on the final step the home study, then everything would be finished. Clearly since I have to suffer in life it didn't go that way. The interviewer was probably the biggest piece of shit I've met in my life and he's supposed to help bring families together? So what this guy did was accuse our puppy of being violent and dangerous (for wanting to jump on him and play.) Then during my wife's interview he grills her on if I'm abusive. He went so far as trying to coach her to say something along those lines to make me look bad. I knew going into this interview we were going to be grilled but what he did was different. What he did wasn't even close to okay. For my interview he was so much worse an I know why now. He went on and on about how I'm just "a confused woman in a phase who needed to make up her mind." Going to a whole new level he also stated that I was definitely sexually attracted to men and that I wanted to have sex with him. That's all he talked about with me was sex, me having intercourse with my wife and he with his. Then he insinuated that if I didn't have sex with him it wasn't going to be good for our case. When he at last left he said that if we told anyone what he said that he would ruin any chance we'd have at adoption ever.

On Christmas of last year we got the email saying we were denied. There was no reason, no explanation, nothing it was just over. To add insult to injury we lost our apartment a few days later because the place was in debt so bad everyone was evicted. That changed me and I haven't been the same since, honestly I can't even smile.

Reason being is after some thought I finally put the pieces together as to what happened, they denied us because I'm transgender. The agency was Catholic (we found out after everything) that added in a few factors. We were the only LGBT couple (and interracial for that matter) now I see why. I blame myself because who else can I possibly blame? I am transgender and that is why we were denied, I was always being questioned if I was parent material. I guess to them I wasn't and that made me believe the same. For a lifestyle I didn't ask for I just cost my daughter time with us when she's already in a rough spot. It's eaten me alive that it happened like that and with the year anniversary coming up, it's not good.

Nothing can compare to the pain of seeing an empty kid's room. All their stuff is there, everything in it's place but only one thing is missing. Every day you wake up, go about your day until you see the door. The door to your child's room who isn't there and who may never be. So much hope only to lead to just as much disappointment. The emptiness in your heart consumes all of you until you don't even know your name anymore.

At the end of all this I've lost everything even parts of who I am. When I looked into her eyes in that picture I saw the reason for every bad thing I ever lived through. This special needs angel just answered the reason for my existence and every traumatic thing I lived through and overcame. All I want to do is offer her that same answer, I want her to have a happy life with a strong supportive family. For some reason though we hit more snags than most ever do with adoption. So yinz aren't too sad we did find another agency when we moved to where she's from, (it was only a two hour drive away and we already planned to move out of that city.) Our new case worker is much better and I know it'll be easier this time. As always though I have to hit a bump because even after all that it's not enough. Before we can start we need to get a car and we'll have to do the entire process over again. We have to retake every class, test, and inspection all over again, so the last agency literally fucked us in the ass and walked away clean. Meanwhile I'm so lost I don't even know who I am or what day it is and my wife has gone mama bear on me. There's still hope because as long as she's out there in the system, I'm determined to bring her home. More than anything I want to just tell her thank you for being here and giving me a reason to live and do better.

-Kaotic