Dear Grammy,

I miss you so much and I’m sorry I didn’t call. Every day I regret what I did to you and I only hope you forgive me. Throughout my life I did you so much wrong and I wish I could take it all back. There was so much I still needed to say and do with you. I should have been there for you and I should’ve called more I wasn’t there for you and I should’ve been. The least I could’ve done is be there for you when I know you needed me. Now that a year has passed I don’t know what was going on in my head why I would act like that. I let bad people give me an ultimatum and I shouldn’t have done that but I did. If I could ever turn back time there’s so much I would change but I can’t. All I can do is pray that you forgive me and that you’re happy wherever you are.

I hope you’re watching over me and you’ll listen to all the things I still need to tell you. The first is the one I was too afraid to tell you when I found out but even though you know now I want to tell you myself. I’m transgender that means I’m a man I just got the wrong body. I’ve always thought of it as God gave people like me a special mission to see if we can find who we really are. I was lucky enough to realize it fairly young I just wish I would’ve told you to your face you deserved that much.

You deserved a lot I didn’t give you, you were an amazing grandmother and I never told you. When you were here I took you for granted and I shouldn’t have I always knew you were an amazing grandma I just didn’t tell you enough. To you I could never do any wrong by you and I was so focused on how we never really clicked. We didn’t have much in common and I felt bad about it when I was younger I thought you had an image of me I could never live up to. I know that’s not true now I was stupid then. I also realized that I wasn’t as bad to you as I thought I still tried.

There were things I did that I didn’t like because it made you happy. Like some of the movies or shows I watched and I know you weren’t always the biggest fan of some of the things I liked either. That’s how we showed we loved each other we did what made the other happy. I just realized it too late…. You left too soon there was so many things I wanted you to see. I wanted you to see me get my GED and get married. See what you think about the woman I decided to marry. Right now I think I met that one and you’ll never meet her you’ll never tell me what you think of her. I know you’d love her though you two would get along amazingly. I love you Grammy and I miss you so much.

I really wish I knew how you feel about everything I told you but I won’t know until I die. I’m not going to lie I always thought it would be sooner than later but I know that’s wrong. I probably won’t see you for at least half a century and that’s how you want it. I want to get a tattoo for you I’m going to get a pink sugar skull with a lighthouse on it for you. Since pink was your favorite color and you loved the ocean.

There’s a lot we have to miss out on now that you’re gone but I know it’ll be ok. It still hurts that you’re gone but I know you aren’t suffering anymore. That’s the only thing that gives me any comfort sometimes I see women who look or smell like you and I miss you all over. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it but I cared a lot more about you than I led on. Every time I see one of those women I always stare at them probably I hope that it’ll be you. I know there’s no logic but my heart takes over in those situations and I can’t help it. Part of me thinks that you send them so I know you’re still watching me and you want to help me. Sometimes I wonder why you don’t visit me does it make you sad to see what I do to myself? Are you uncomfortable because of who I am?

When my life gets better and I stop doing all the bad things I really hope you’ll visit me. I’d really love to see you. I realize that I don’t remember your voice anymore and it hurts you were such a big part of my life. Now I can’t even remember how your voice sounded. I promise that once I can get to Pa I’ll visit you again and make sure you’re okay. So until then Goodbye Grammy I wish I could give you lovins again but I’ll have to do it in my heart.

I love you
Eli