Okay, so yesterday, after I has an exhausting day running Sharon and Sam around, my mom offered to make supper for me.

And while coming back to the kitchen while carrying a heavy pot with a heavy lid on it, the lid fell off and hit her on the top of her foot.

the top of the joint of her big toe was pretty swollen, couldn't put any weight on the foot, and I started struggling with guilt.

And then the day got worse.

I managed to trip and slammed into the carpet just about as hard as I could

So at this point I was sore, guilty, and worried about mom.

So yesterday, my mom got a new set of dentures, hopefully allowing her to eat more. She also got a pair of hearing aids, which also will help.

Will this mean we get a reprieve, and have her around a bit longer?

I guess time will tell.

its not been a bad week so far.

Because I am A: a nerd, and B: a bit strange, I sometimes picture my body as a starship, and every morning Captain Brain gets into the command chair and gets the status updates for the day.

Well, to extend the metaphor a bit, you ever see an episode of any of the Star Trek shows where the ship starts having a bunch of malfunctions and nobody knows why?

Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. as my balance is off, my PTSD is on red alert, various parts of my body are complaining of pain, and I'm just generally getting all kinds of error messages that I can't track down.

so far!

2 years ago, I had a benign tumor removed from my brain. The surgery went well, and the incision site has healed pretty well, although it still hurts at times. The tumor was squeezing my cerebrum on the left side of my head, causing what, for all intents and purposes, were short circuits in my brain. At times, my memory would completely disappear for several minutes. The partial brain seizures were frightening, and when I told people about them, even my doctor, I received the advice, just get your blood sugar under control.

I finally deleted Kylie from my hangouts contact list and all the emails we have exchanged.

Pardon me if I'm less than cheerful for a while.

has passed, but we're still eating leftovers!

When I usually talk about my negative self talk, aka "Mr. Nasty", its a "tape" of my various failures.

But sometimes, I get a "tape" that's much, much worse.

This "tape" is connected to my rapes, and the word it uses to describe me isn't "failure".

It's "Evil".

The reason I'm bringing it up now is that I spent most of last night trying to fight off that "tape".

So I think Team Dorothy to come to my rescue again.

Send words of encouragement, praise, or just send a hug if you can.

Thank you in advance.

Hey everyone,

It's been two weeks since I've gotten groceries. I had to go, or the specter of starvation might overcome me. Since the stimulus there was money to shop. I was poking about for some eggs and then I spotted those precooked pasta. These had shrimp and lobster inside. I reached round a Native looking man to get some. Later we looked through the Cereal together. Then I noticed Watermelon Juice. So did he. A frision began to steal its way through my innermost parts. Later, at the check stand, he was behind me. What would I do about my vow to finish my life alone?

My anxiety started at about 10:00 last night.

My thirty-year-old baby, the daughter who came to us later than most and after three boys -- called us complaining of intense pain.

She didn't want to go to the hospital until, and if, it was absolutely necessary due to covid worries. Yet - the pains seemed to be intensifying.

We were over two hundred miles away and could only give suggestions and sympathy.

At 4:30 we received a FaceTime call. The image of my wonderful daughter and her new son caused my heart to swell.

I finally went to sleep.

second time I've seen it down here.

so its been a good news/bad news situation here.

the good news is my mom is eating a little bit more, although it's still probably below or at best at the daily minimum.

the bad news is her anxiety has increased to the point she can't be left alone, even while in bed.

sighs . . .

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.

well, I got good news and bad news.

the good news is mom finally was able to keep something down, even if it was just a small cup of rice pudding, a liquid yogurt, and 4 spoonfuls of broccoli soup. she also has been given a new medicine which may help keep things going in a good direction.

Bad news is I'm headed in the opposite direction, as a crippling depression snuck up on me tonight.

sighs, keep sending hugs ...

My mom's condition is getting worse.

she's had 4 or 5 delusional episodes today, thinking Mike was fighting a fire in the roof, and Carol was not letting him come down., even though we went upstairs and opened gifts together this morning. Plus, she's not eating more than a couple bites of food. we tried fruit cups and yogurt, but its not her teeth, she simply has no apatite.

All of this stuff is complicated by the fact that: A: Its Christmas; and B: we're in a pandemic.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

Seasonal Greetings to you all, whatever you celebrate this week!

Caution: referenced suicide attempt

So I have an update from last blog.

Dad is getting worse to the point that the doctors gave us a choice. He stays in a care place on a machine, which he doesn't want. Or he comes home for Hospice and lives out his time at home. So as of right now he is here and resting on the bed. He has maybe a couple weeks due to them stopping dialysis.

I will try to post soon, but life is about to get hard for a while

So my mom called 911 at 4 AM this morning. But it wasn't all bad, they checked her oxygen levels, her blood sugar levels, and any signs of infection, and all clear.

which just leaves brain issues, I guess.

So now we wait for a psychologist, and hope we can get through Christmas.

ah, well.

is a chapter from The Visitors.

my mom is starting to hear things during the day, as 3 times today she has thought she heard Mike go up into the crawl space and work on the wiring, as well as her now usual 4 AM panic session.

I'm just trying to hang in there for her ...

So my last posting was in August. I am really trying to get the next page out. But then life happened.