It truly would.

I could wait until my parents are gone and take a bottle of painkillers or muscle relaxers from their room. By the time they got home it would be done.

I could break into my dad's gun cabinet. Glass doors are only a deterrent when the person getting in is worried about damaging them, and what would I care, given the end goal?

I could simply walk out to his shop. A rope from the rafters, or his chain wench, or any of the various knives, power tools, and so on, depending on how much I wanted to make myself suffer.

Or I could simply go for a walk. Into the woods, in the search for something to bite or maul me. Toward the cliffs near the rivers and lake, or rising up from the hills, to see what it's like when you turn a falling dream into reality. Or, just alongside the road, waiting for a logging truck or semi that won't be able to stop before it's too late, and taking that step onto the pavement ahead of them.

Some ways would be quick. Some would be painless. Some would be neither, but let's be honest: if I'm considering such things, then at some level I must feel I deserve the pain and suffering it would cause, right?

And it would all be so, so very easy.

I try not to give into the darkness. I try SO. HARD. But sometimes... no, not sometimes. So MUCH of the time, I wonder why I bother. Why I struggle, and fight, and put myself through so much torture to try and keep moving forward when it feels like I'm constantly fighting a current that's hellbent on keeping me stuck right where it wants me.

There's never enough time. There's never enough energy. There's never enough money. There's never enough ME to handle things. And that sickens me, because I know that there are other people who have harder lives, who work harder than me, who suffer more, and push through. I used to be able to see that kind of thing and feel at least a little inspired, like 'if they can do it why can't I?' Any more, though, all I feel is inadequate.

I try, and try, and try... but I just don't have what it takes. I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not brave enough, not disciplined enough... I'm not good enough. And I never will be, not even with the help of others to try and pull me out of the mire. I'm pathetic, a snotty child in an adult's body, an adult body they despise but consistently fail at doing what's necessary to make it better.

I tell myself that I don't give in for the people I love. I tell myself that I don't give in out of hope that, in some way, the things I make or the things I say are helping someone else with their own struggles. But there are days and nights, days like today and nights like tonight, when I look at the people around myself and wonder how much I'm deluding myself.

And it would be so easy.

So very easy.

I can only smile and fake enthusiasm for so long. I can only put up with others' bullshit for so long. I can only handle so much, and it's not that much at all, before my brain and my heart can't cope with it any more and everything comes crashing down around me. How am I supposed to be able to help others when I can't even do the most basic of things to help myself? How can I be a good friend, a good family member, or just a good person in general when I can't even find the energy to take care of myself?

Why are all the things everyone wants of me so hard, and all the things I'm supposed to avoid so simple?

Why is it so easy to find ways to stop the pain, to stop the suffering, when fixing it is almost impossible?

Why am I writing this, expending all this energy, rather than just going ahead and getting it over with?

I don't know. Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's a sliver of hope left, somewhere deep inside, that I'll be able to prove myself wrong and everything will somehow work out, that one day I'll somehow manage to achieve my goals in life and find some modicum of the happiness and contentment I crave.

Maybe it's just a lack of enough self respect to put my own emotional well-being before that of the people around me who I know would be hurt, however briefly, if I were to give in.

But it really would be so easy.

Melanie E.