Gender Identity has been under study for just yonks'. There have been far too many folk moralizing about the various manifestations of it for like ever, or longer. Perhaps the issues with gender differentiation come from some not having to squat to pee? I wonder if no one had a Penis. We'd all be going round making messy little puddles.

Okay so the geriatric clinic got a hold of us, and are coming Tuesday for an in-person assessment on my mom.

keep sending hugs.

okay this morning after mom's nightly waking me up thinking Carol has set a fire in her own bedroom to drive my mom out of the house, I laid on the couch and put on a episode of "Too cute" so I could relax and get back to sleep.

I slept for about 2 hours and woke up to discover I was having what felt like a seizure,

My body shook, stopped, and shook again as if I was getting electrocuted.

After about 5 minutes it stopped, and then after I slept for a while the seizures happened again.

yup, the holiday season creeps ever closer!

my mom's nightly struggle with paranoid delusions is killing my spoons. It's been weeks now since I got to sleep through the night without her waking me up saying her daughter in law has started fires in the electrical wiring or is watching mom through a camera hidden in the vent in her room.

which means I'm letting my self-care slip, and am scared what happens if I have a major PTSD attack or depressive episode.

hugs appreciated.

never happens at all.

or not.

Apparently there have been misunderstandings lately about me or my blogs.

First of all, for those of you who were concerned about me or my blogs, my account has NOT been hacked and the entries were, indeed, made by me.

I believed that I had finally found something that could help a lot of you and was met by what I thought was derision, only to find that it was more concern for me than anything else. I reacted, then, from a place of betrayal and in the face of new information,was shown that I was wrong.

As I lay here trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life - as I am often prone to do. In light of the fact that technically it is Thanksgiving, being nearly 1:30 AM, I started looking at the things that I have to be thankful for.

First, my family is healthy and safe - which in this time and place is something not to be taken lightly. Given that my spouse, two of my sons, and myself all suffered through Covid-19 in late March and early April, and that we are all doing fine now, I am very thankful for the fact that everyone is healthy.

There will be some delay in my writing, as my mother passed away three days ago.

I'm having a visit from Mr. Nasty.

hugs appreciated.

Hey everyone, sorry about this, but I don't think that I'm going to get a chapter of MPSD out this week. It's been kind of a tumultuous week (though a lot of it has been in a good way) and I've been behind on writing and everything because of it. I'm worn out and I don't have any energy so I think it best I just take a day or two to rest, relax my brain, and try to get back on schedule for this upcoming week. I can't wait until I get my medical card so I can see a doctor about getting back on my meds and hormones and actually feel energetic again.

I'm struggling with feeling worthless, almost to the point of feeling suicidal.

I honestly don't know if this is PTSD, depression or both, but hugs appreciated

so at 4 AM my mom had another episode, and I was not able to do anything to help her.

Then Mike and Carol managed to get her to make an appointment with her doctor while I was pretty much useless.

sighs ...

In the aftermath of my blog here yesterday, I was talking with Drea, and came to a startling and sad realization.

That there has been a part of me that hoped the trans stuff was caused by my rapes. Because then if I got over the rapes, I'd get over the trans stuff too.

I was thrown by this, but thanks to people on the BC discord page, I worked through it.

So I guess Dorothy isn't going anywhere, and that's okay.

Okay so last night I had another dream where I was at school (this time it was university, but still) and lost.

Except this time I ran across a really bubbly young woman, who seeing me looking confused took my arm, and when I told her were I wanted to go, she found us a rather round-about route.

Facing facts can be difficult, and the facts are that I no longer pass, especially wearing one of those horrid masks. Some are optimistic that we are at the threshold of having a viable Vaccine for Covid 19, but I won't allow my happiness to get out of hand.

It snowed here Friday night and it has been raining since at the lower elevations. This has probably put an end to our fire season for this year, locally, though fires continue to burn in the northern part of the state.

One community near here in the mountains has suffered two evacuation orders due to fire and yesterday faced another order for flash flooding. The cold saved it, not enough rain fell on the snow to melt all of it and make a dangerous flood. This morning, the white peaks appear and disappear in the clouds that are still dropping snow up where we really need it.

so because we needed more stress, apparently, I got word that two of my uncles are dealing with serious medical issues, and thanks to family stupidity I don't even know what hospital they were taken to, or anything.

sighs, hugs and prayers appreciated.

so I've been fighting some kind of allergy for days, and I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Can I return my sinuses to the manufacturer?

which might give light relief from debacle that is the US election.

Oh yes, those of us in England at least had an unwelcome gift last night, the removal of November from the 2020 calendar! -break-->Yep, seems that from Wednesday we join France and Germany in a new national Covid lockdown in the vague hope that there will be Eid, Xmas and New Year in December. So its back to furloughs, empty streets, closed stores and no use of public transport, difference is, the weather may not be so clement and the smile and carry on we saw in the spring will, I'm sure, quickly turn to frustration as 'daily' exercise is less of an option in cold, wet weather.

Yep, a posting on the right day and before bedtime!

I feel like I'm failing my mom as she has started to struggle with what I think is dementia.

I mean, I'm a mess, barely holding it together for myself, how can I help her?