[Content Warning: Depression, Despair]

I mentioned part of this a month ago on Facebook, but not here. So I'll go ahead with the whole announcement.

Late in December, after getting over COVID, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Just having a prostate was bad enough, but it had to grow a cancer as well. Early in March, the doctor and I agreed on surgery to remove it.

Okay so yesterday Mike and Carol bought a new dining room set, and in order to get it in the house, we used a device called a "forearm forklift" you put these straps under the table, and then the other end around your forearms, and lift it in.

I was less helpful than I wish I could have been, a consequence of my non-athletic lifestyle, but we did manage to get it in,

But last night, I noticed I had a line of bruises across my forearms and for a second couldn't figure out how I had gotten them until I remembered the forearm forklift.

I'm fighting Mr. Nasty, who is telling me my writing has no effect on anybody.

So if anything I've written has impacted you even a little, can you share it with me?

My Stalker is back! Strange guy. Older man. First time I met him was in a discount clothing store. I was checking out some shirts and he sorta struck up a conversation with me. At first it seemed okay, but then it started to get a little strange. For one thing he stayed with me as I browsed. I walked away and started looking at blouses on another aisle and when I turned around he was right there. Then he started commenting on my choices, quite as if he had a say-so on what I wore. I finally grabbed a few blouses and ducked into a lady's changing booth.

This morning I had to get up at the unholy time of 4:30. I packed up my cousin and took him to the hospital. 6 hours later we were home.

The doctor said, even with toes freshly amputated, he can walk as much as he can bear.

We'll see how things look Friday at the checkup. Just praying that it goes well this week and he doesn't overdo it. He has no feeling in the foot, so no way to know if he's pressing too far, and I'm not to change the dressing.

Geez, anyone would think I had everything planned out!

Ok, I got a serious problem here. In the last week, I have had two different dreams where I found myself facing a handsome young man who isn't wearing a shirt.

Will everybody please join me in asking Jaci to take her girl germs back now?

so I got a sleep study done last night, which basically forced me to have a shower today.

Showers are my bane. but personal care in general is always a struggle.

The shower thing is a legacy of my stepfather, I suspect the other stuff is a mix of causes.

Just got to keep fighting, I guess

so Shylo At AffirmingMinistries has asked me to be a speaker at a livestream for International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. It will be held on May 17th, 2021 from 2:30-3:30pm.

My talk will be livestreamed on both the Affirming Ministries and Robertson-Wesley United Church Facebook Pages. The stream will be recorded and posted on additional social media for both ministries such as Instagram and Youtube.

I'm amazed and staggered to be considered for such a thing.

or is that first?

Hey everyone,

So I saw an internist today because my doctor was concerned about me having a high white blood cell count, and I got some good news.

First, my BP today is 107/70, which is fantastic.

Second, my white blood cell count has been going up and down, from above 15 to 11.7 (11 is normal), so odds are its not anything like cancer.

The internist is sending me for some more tests, but for now, I'm gonna call this a win.

even if you never watched "the walking dead" you might have seen the image of a door with the words "Don't open. Dead inside"

well, that's how I feel right now,

I yam exhaustipated.

My arm hurts from my wrist to my ear, and I'm so tired I am not funtioning. This is worse than the first dose which was similar.

Hopefully, I'll be better tomorrow.

Hugs to all and thanks Moderna,
Erin

Hey everyone,

I've had a busy few days. Between that, not sleeping much again lately, my thumb still slowing things down, and a busy weekend ahead I just don't think that I'll be able to post chapters of either I Wish or MSPD this week. So I'm going to try to get a solid night or two of sleep and rest my thumb and brain between getting things done over the next few days.

*big hugs to you all*

Amethyst

I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

So last I had posted was before Dad came home for Hospice. Well, he passed away on January the 5th. Since then I have been dealing with the vultures in the family. I got my brother and his younger son both wanting to move in, but I can't afford to live here myself. I really can't afford to have them move in and not pay anything. My brother keeps insisting everything should be his, but dad did a living trust and gave me almost everything except his van, all because my brother only visited him once in the past 15 months.

“It’s true that love can be hard on a person—the act of loving someone the way they need to be loved instead of how you want to love them, I mean. It takes a lot of effort to make someone else’s desires and troubles your own. You have to want it more than anything. And you have to want it whether they notice or not. Because that’s the nature of the thing: to care so much that it doesn’t matter if they ever reciprocate. If you really feel that way, you can’t hurt them. You just can’t. And when they hurt you, you forget it right away.”

And deeper in debt. Today is my birthday, and in a few weeks I'll have clocked fifteen years as a member here on BC.

of my new PC!

So I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my councilor yesterday. We had talked about my rapes a little, and how I used writing as a way to process them, and then we were talking about my stepfather and my councilor asked me if I had written any stories about my time with him.

I checked, and I have not.

Now, I'm no expert, but when a part of my life is so radioactive I cant even fictionalize it, something is up.

Oh boy, more slogging ahead, this is NOT gonna be fun . . .

on the computer front!

Well, I found out my daughter got spat on by 2 guys while waiting for the bus home.

I wish I could do more for her beyond just remind her we love her.