Geez, anyone would think I had everything planned out!

Ok, I got a serious problem here. In the last week, I have had two different dreams where I found myself facing a handsome young man who isn't wearing a shirt.

Will everybody please join me in asking Jaci to take her girl germs back now?

so I got a sleep study done last night, which basically forced me to have a shower today.

Showers are my bane. but personal care in general is always a struggle.

The shower thing is a legacy of my stepfather, I suspect the other stuff is a mix of causes.

Just got to keep fighting, I guess

so Shylo At AffirmingMinistries has asked me to be a speaker at a livestream for International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. It will be held on May 17th, 2021 from 2:30-3:30pm.

My talk will be livestreamed on both the Affirming Ministries and Robertson-Wesley United Church Facebook Pages. The stream will be recorded and posted on additional social media for both ministries such as Instagram and Youtube.

I'm amazed and staggered to be considered for such a thing.

or is that first?

Hey everyone,

So I saw an internist today because my doctor was concerned about me having a high white blood cell count, and I got some good news.

First, my BP today is 107/70, which is fantastic.

Second, my white blood cell count has been going up and down, from above 15 to 11.7 (11 is normal), so odds are its not anything like cancer.

The internist is sending me for some more tests, but for now, I'm gonna call this a win.

even if you never watched "the walking dead" you might have seen the image of a door with the words "Don't open. Dead inside"

well, that's how I feel right now,

I yam exhaustipated.

My arm hurts from my wrist to my ear, and I'm so tired I am not funtioning. This is worse than the first dose which was similar.

Hopefully, I'll be better tomorrow.

Hugs to all and thanks Moderna,
Erin

Hey everyone,

I've had a busy few days. Between that, not sleeping much again lately, my thumb still slowing things down, and a busy weekend ahead I just don't think that I'll be able to post chapters of either I Wish or MSPD this week. So I'm going to try to get a solid night or two of sleep and rest my thumb and brain between getting things done over the next few days.

*big hugs to you all*

Amethyst

I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

So last I had posted was before Dad came home for Hospice. Well, he passed away on January the 5th. Since then I have been dealing with the vultures in the family. I got my brother and his younger son both wanting to move in, but I can't afford to live here myself. I really can't afford to have them move in and not pay anything. My brother keeps insisting everything should be his, but dad did a living trust and gave me almost everything except his van, all because my brother only visited him once in the past 15 months.

“It’s true that love can be hard on a person—the act of loving someone the way they need to be loved instead of how you want to love them, I mean. It takes a lot of effort to make someone else’s desires and troubles your own. You have to want it more than anything. And you have to want it whether they notice or not. Because that’s the nature of the thing: to care so much that it doesn’t matter if they ever reciprocate. If you really feel that way, you can’t hurt them. You just can’t. And when they hurt you, you forget it right away.”

And deeper in debt. Today is my birthday, and in a few weeks I'll have clocked fifteen years as a member here on BC.

of my new PC!

So I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my councilor yesterday. We had talked about my rapes a little, and how I used writing as a way to process them, and then we were talking about my stepfather and my councilor asked me if I had written any stories about my time with him.

I checked, and I have not.

Now, I'm no expert, but when a part of my life is so radioactive I cant even fictionalize it, something is up.

Oh boy, more slogging ahead, this is NOT gonna be fun . . .

on the computer front!

Well, I found out my daughter got spat on by 2 guys while waiting for the bus home.

I wish I could do more for her beyond just remind her we love her.

I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.

Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.

And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.

those, 2-3 days difference really do make February feel short!

Just a quick family update:

we took mom to the geriatric clinic for an assessment, and the doctor there is adding a medication so mom can be less agitated at night, we'll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, my daughter may be attending NAIT in September, we're waiting to find out the details.

As for me, well, we'll have to see how that goes too.

I'm so very sorry for not posting in such a long time.

It seems like it was almost someone else who wrote Accidental Magic and all those other things.

I am rewriting Accidental Magic, at least the first few chapters, and I have a chapter 28 or 29, whichever it happens to be.

Anyone still interested in it?
Let me know.

ALLY KAT.

and this month I'm not being stiffed by Amazon

Hey everyone,

Just a quick note to let you all know that I won't be able to post the new chapter or MSPD until tomorrow night. It's practically finished but Martin ended up working a double shift today and won't be home until after midnight. Since s/he also has to get up for work tomorrow at five that means we'll have no time to do the editing together until s/he gets home tomorrow evening. I am working on something else though and may have some other stuff to post soonish.

*big hugs to you all*

Amethyst