Hunny,

You are by no means, in need of commiting yourself. Everyone has dreams like that every now and then. Especially those of us with a history of abuse. It is likely our subconcious working to deal with it all, to seek a more formiddible level of justice, vengence, revenge etc. Some of it could just be meaning other things all together. I am unsure to what your dream entailed, just ‘being cruel to someone’ does not tell me much. When it comes to dreams, its not actually what you see that matters unless it is a vision and even that like a dream, each aspect is scoped with the insight of symbolism & familiarity.

It could very well be, like myself your anxiety got the better of you & it had you remebering a darker story and or program (movie, tv, etc) you watched. I probably should not admit some of what I am going to tell you, but dreams are non~prosecutable.

One of the very first dreams I can remember having, was as a child which was dark. It entailed me running from someone/something around a castle or haunted house, somehow on a sandy dune cliff thing ending with me for some reason holding my mother’s decapitated head. Give we are NC (no contact), maybe it was foreshadowing, but I do recall being upset with her before the dream. Not sure if it was the same night, but it was actually within the time frame of her catching me in my sister’s summer dress, before the separation. I had not even begun kindergarten yet. Lets just say she was not amused & I know for a fact it got violent/physical but to what degree its sorta foggy, except the shaking/being shaken.

I have dreamed countless times, over various ways to enact serious well thought out vengence againsrt those whom hurt me, especially my rapists.

I had dreams of cruelty towards my bullies. My sister, myself.

Even had an odd one a few times of blowing up the world, causing it to implode. (violently deconstruct inwardly, sucking into itself with fire and stuff), i dunno where i got the idea for it, but it both intriguied me and frightened me.

You are not crazy, you are anything but crazy sweety. There is absolutelly nothing wrong with those dreams. If you are scared that it will lead you to enacting those dreams, then consulting a professional might be a good idea. The fact that you have not done such to anyone, the fact that you sought medical help & the fact of how the dream has left you worried and disgusted, yes hunny I know. You are no actual danger.

I only came to hurting someone once, that I can recall & I have hated myself for it ever sense. My sister had just got her first bra fitting & I was already jealous, she is my little sister, that was supposed to be me first, right? Well it was a couple or so days later & she uhm, well lets just say she had her first period. I kept my cool, repressed things, I was hiding things too. But the fact she could flaunt it, be proud if not scared about it, be given congratulations. Knowing she who abslutelly hates it and what not. It got to me & much like when I tried to take my life in the shelter... I was astrally inside my noncontrollable body, its hard to discribe. I held a pillow over her head, she was asleep. I never brought it to her face, but it was above her head..... NOT doing it, took alot & I mean alot.

I have not & will not ever tell her, mostly cause the brat has done far worse to me & we are also NC.

The reasoning of dreams, can be complicated, sometimes its to entertain you while you sleep. Help you be calm by giving a taste of your wishes. Working out problems, playing out things.

You have made it this far hun & you have not had a ‘john wayne gacy’ (covert~closetted, serial killer of like 30 something boys) moment, proves your more or less harmless luv.

There is nothing wrong with worrying, what it all means, worrying if there is something wrong.

I might not be the best to advise you on any of this, I have enough psyche issues, that well It could easily be used as ‘probablility’ if ever used against me. But I know with all my heart I cannot hurt someone.

If I see a tear, or feel in anyway, i caused unwareented, hell even sometimes warented displeasure, it eats away at me, like u wouldnt believe. There is so far as I can see, no way that you are harmful to others. We may not know eachothers encycolpedia of our entire existence. But from what I do know, you have yet to show any violent tendencies.

You are a woman dorothy, and that comes with a bit of a darkside. Ya I know ‘sugar and spice’ but what many forget with it is ‘fire and ice’. A girl does not have to even lift a muscle to enact vengence, or make even the most alpha man back down, obey and or even apologise. Often a special stare does the work, turning the tables on him, causing ostracism etc. Thats the reality. You have lived en femme (full time female) for what now 10 years i think?

You are getting more comfortable as a woman, and that means that subconciously your are likely just going through more transitional concepts, of being a woman, your being may finally be ready to accept that part of yourself.

You see hunny; boys and girls fight much differently & tend to bully differently. Guys its more or less physical, with some verbal, not that girl’s do not go that route, because they do. However, girl’s tend to go for what is even worse then that. Don not listen to the whole ‘sticks and stones’ sillyness, its complete nonsense, personally I see that sillyness, as just a concept of toxic masculinity, you know the whole ‘boys dont cry’ nonsense.

A girl, well she will strike mainly for what really hurts, what will truly cause an ‘unseen’ but deeply felt scar. Hitting below the belt in a sense. Though, girl’s tend to keep to the psychological and emotional side of abuse/bullying. Hence why alot of femdom, or at least you will find stories of cruel women, around here and fm, focusing on deep humiliation, messing with heads, gaslighting etc.

Both genders have their cruelty. As humans we are primal creatures, i do not care about vegetarians claiming they are not cause they eat meat, tough the fact of the matter is, as humans we are all primal in our own way. Submissive, dominance, both have a primal sense to it as well.

Your not alone in these thoughts, your not alone with dark dreams. Your not alone in wishing and perhaps even planning the destruction of your enemies, that hunny is primal nature. That is huma nature & that is just normalcy for everyone.

How many times have you flipped off some jerk that cut in front of you, or saw some unevolved individual speeding that perhaps was on a motorcycle and it woke the baby up in the back seat, after spending the last 4 hours trying to get them to sleep, so u hope they pop a tire, or end up in the clink with their cell mate keeping them up all night.

Sometimes it can be overboard. But unless you actually threaten someone, or do something that has or intends to harm someone, there is absolutelly nothing wrong with it. No one is a saint, and no i do not mean to offend catholics and the cannonization process & worshipping of ones ‘legitimate’ sainthood. I mean though is that dispite those that either see themselves, or are seen on a pedestal with a hallo over our heads, it does not work like that, we are not always rays of sunshine, we all have a shadow that when crossed will be there for us.

We may hate our dreams, hate ourselves, for the poor choices and thoughts we have. However, we did not get those thoughts without anothers actions constructing them. You are not guilty of some crime against humanity for having a natural human thought.

You are a sweet girl Dorothy, your kind smart, tend to be a bit funny from what i seen of things u have said here and there. You are smart. Withdrawn it seems but that comes from living through the things we all have here.

Do not let the little random dark thoughts misconstrue who you are hunny. Your an amazing woman, that has lived through a hell of alot & u deserve to have your moments of having what ever thoughts you want/get. You are amazing hunny & well loved <3