In all my 74 years on this planet, I have insulted or hurt more people than I can count! But you know what? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke or an insult!

Oh I know I'm an awful person...or...I WAS. The thing is, I don't, I CAN'T allow all those hurts and insults rule my life! If I did, I'd be in the same funk that has you tied up right now.

See, I used to be a horrible person. If I wanted something, I got it by whatever means necessary. If I wanted money, I stole it. If I wanted food, well I stole that too. Whatever struck my fancy, or whatever I needed at the time, I got it by hook or crook.

In the process,I alienated so many people, hurt them in SO many ways, but I didn't care. I had what I wanted/needed and they could all pound salt for all I cared...but then...there came a day when there was no one and no place where I could go that would let me in! In everyone's eyes, I was no god at all...for anything! I couldn't be trusted and I found myself with no one, no place to run to.

No, I didn't find God or anything like that. What I found was one person, one who accepted me for the rotten bastard I had become and sat me down and rooted out the cause of my selfish reason WHY I was such a rotten human being.

See, my Grandparents had spoiled me SO badly that I, because of that, had assumed that I was the most important person EVER, that _I_ was the only one who mattered! Everyone else was just someone to take advantage of, to serve ME! So I just treated everyone and everything as just throwaway fodder to feed my needs.

Well, that attitude got me hated, but so what? well, the hatred turned into being ostracized from even my own family and I STILL didn't care because _I_ was the "GOLDEN BOY" crowned by my Grandparents and they couldn't be wrong, right? No. They were SO wrong, but I couldn't see that then.

It took 8 years in the military to FINALLY knock me right the hell out of my attitudes. All of a sudden, I wasn't the golden boy any more. I was just one of thousands and got treated just like every other guy and gal who wore a uniform. Shocked? You bet your ass I was! I learned very quickly that who and what I was before, now I was no better and no worse than the next person in line, and if I acted any other way, punishment followed. So, I began to see that I wasn't the only one who mattered, and that led to understanding that, if I wasn't part of the team, I was just shit out of luck, so I HAD to change my thinking and behavior or get left behind, or worse, to punishment and possible confinement.

Years passed and my attitude finally began to bear fruit. I had friends I could count on, because they knew they could count on me! Then Cathy reared her pretty head. Yes, Cathy, my other, REAL self. I got stuck into therapy because she just wouldn't let me rest. She hammered at me until I fell into depression and severe stress which led me to a therapist. Through that, I learned the OTHER reason I was an insufferable pain in the ass. Cathy wanted HER turn at bat and always HAD! This ugly, horrible shell she'd been cursed to inhabit, this MALE shell, had to finally be shed so she could live the life she had been entitled to. Oh, she had made brief forays into the world, but only in secret, always hidden.

Once that secret was out, ALL the reasons for why I was such an insufferable bastard were let out and examined and I felt like someone had finally turned out a light, had taken years of weight off my shoulders and things changed rapidly after that.

Now...all this has led me finally to the reason I wrote this at all. I feel like there has been, in your life, something or someone(s) who has led you to self hate so much...and I wish, with all my heart, that I had answers for you. I CAN say that, without being almost dragged into therapy was the lynch pin that unlocked my self hatred and made me realize that others DID matter! Oh I still piss people off from time to time, but I feel bad when I do it! I didn't before. And then...

I found a whole WORLD of people who were just like me! Ostracized, misled, lied to, forced to be who they weren't by society, parents, friends to live a lie. That world was, the internet and sites which eventually became sites like Top Shelf. Places where one could finally shed the ugly shell forced on them and find solace and joy in sharing with others, their struggles and victories.

Sweetheart, You ARE wanted here, hell you're NEEDED here! Look...there is never gonna be a time when you don't inadvertently hurt someone. There is never gonna be a time where you please everyone. The thing is, by feeling so bad because you feel SO badly that you hurt someone, you validate the fact that you are HUMAN! What you need to do now is to convince yourself that it was accidental, apologize if that's possible and understand that YOU MATTER!

Hon, I feel your self hate and it's gonna lead you to places you don't wanna be! Please, please find a therapist and get some help, please! Call a helpline as a first step...but call SOMEONE!! There are wonderful people here at Top Shelf, but I don't think any of them are therapists. There's a reason behind your self hate and you need to find it and exorcise it before it consumes you.

Finally...realize that you can be and are cared about by everyone here at Top Shelf. WE want you here!

Love and caring hugs,
Catherine Linda Michel