today, I managed to go swimming for the first time since COVID began.

It was great, but now I feel like an astronaut coming back to Earth after a week in space.

I have just arrived back from a short break where I got to be "Leeanna" . I was staying on my own for a few days. I dressed for extended periods and even went out for a walk.

Like many of the ladies on here to a varying degree, I realised I wanted to be a girl when I was young. Around five years old in my case.

have you ever been in a situation where you have so many things wrong with your brain you can't be sure which one is acting up?

That's me at the moment.

to paraphrase Jarvis Cocker and a million barbers!

As usual in the UK, the authorities, to avoid upsetting business, once more have us 'celebrating' a National day not on the day itself but on the following weekend, today then, the National mourning for those lost and injured in military conflict kicked off at 11.00am this morning. I always try to observe the 2 minute silence, its not always possible but this year a pause in the day's DIY efforts was enoiugh to take part and to see those in power doing their symbolic wreath laying at the Cenotaph in central London.

Well, I got some things done today, but at a cost.

I helped sweep out the grate, and went to try and get my meds. I got the one med, but the blister pack wont be ready until Friday. By the time I was coming home I was crying from knee pain.

Then I had to somehow get things under control so I could drive south and pick up Sam at work.

Ah, well.

I am soooooo happy right now. I just had my date confirmed for both my SRS and breast augmentation.

The surgeon will see me on January 10th 2022. B’ezras Hashem (if G'd is willing)

I've been trying to monitor my emotional state in terms of my bipolar issues, and I think I have discovered something.

I had assumed that my cycle followed a simple pattern - a slow curve up during my manic phase, followed by a slow curve down during my depression phase.

Apparently, its a bit more complicated than that.

During my current manic phase, I've had a couple of what I'm going to call "quick drops" - times when my mood suddenly went way down.

Today is the happiest day of my life. I want to share with you guys how my day went from feeling like it would ruin the rest of my life to being so Happy I broke into tears. I finally came out to an actual person In Real Life In Person with complete transparency that I was a Transgender woman in the closet for fear of scrutiny and scandal as well as fear for my life. The new pastor at my church. I was worried how he would react.

Because sometimes your brain won't let you sleep, and instead insists on another round of beating the dead horse that is your shitty emotional state.

What does your trans-ness mean to you?

For all of us, it seems to be something different. For some it's about freedom, from societal expectations or toxic masculinity. For some it's about expression. For others, it's something as simple as a fetish, or as complete as a feeling of cosmic wrongness needing made right.

For me, my trans-ness is about despair.

There won't be a proper post today or perhaps even Sunday for which I apologise. For why? Well you will recall the news about the lock up where most of my worldly goods are stored? Just to recap, we have been given a week to quit so it's a case of finding an alternative and moving everything by next Monday or lose it.

Before I go further, thank you to everyone who has sent me support, whether words or more tangible, it really is appreciated.

Well, I saw the neurologist today.

Good news - he tested me, and I'm at the low end of normal.

Better news - He believes my sleep apnea is a major factor in my memory issues, and said he will send a letter to Alberta disability support to get on their horse and get me a Bipap machine.

so there you go.

I was half asleep in my bedroom, sorta listening to some show or video my wife was watching in the living room. I had almost drifted off, when I heard a metallic clang. And then ... I was someplace dark and cramped. I sorta knew I wasn't actually there, but it still felt real. I think I'm mostly grounded again, but I'm still smelling paint every once in a while, and my heart starts racing. Got all the lights on, which is helping a bit. Still a bundle of nerves. Not sure if I'm gonna be sleeping any more tonight.

Yep, unless i've got my calculations wrong, this weekend the clocks change in Europe for potentially the last time, returning the UK to GMT.

Well ... looks like my group therapy will be ending this week. I'm really gonna miss the people I met there. Even though I wound up being put in the wrong group (I found out a couple weeks ago the group I was in wasn't for dealing with trauma), I still learned some good stuff. Even though I wish I could stay with the group longer, I know all things come to an end, and I'm grateful for the time I was able to spend with the people there. :)

I'm starting to think I shouldn't drive anymore.

I had 2 scary moments driving today. I was in a turning lane that had a red light while the straight ahead light was green. And somehow both times all I saw was the green light and took the turn anyway.

sighs . . .

with the week so far!

Hey everyone,

So, as some of you may have seen on my Patreon page, late last week I started on something new to help me sleep at night and keep the nightmares at bay. The good news is it's been mostly working pretty well. I'm getting sleep and I haven't had too many bad nightmares and unlike the anti-anxiety drugs I was given a while back I can wake up if I need to.

today

today

I just had a nightmare while sleeping on my couch.

In it, some guy had me pinned to the ground with his knees holding down my arms. I pushed and wiggled, and even tried to bite his equipment through his pants, but I couldn't move him off of me.

needless to say, I'm kind of shaky

Beginning last night and continuing into this morning, I've found myself reliving my abuse, and for some reason ended up re-reading the letter I wrote to him as part of therapy which is published here:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18037/letter-from-bro...

although reading it there is certainly scope for more!