So after more than a month of looking, with the stress increasing each day, we finally have a new place to live.

We got approval for an apartment downtown, with official take possession date of June 1st.

now the "fun" of getting rid of as much stuff as we can so we can pack for the move . . .

I feel like there is a piece of me that has isolated itself from the rest.

while the rest of me is doing the walking and the talking and even the thinking and the feeling, this piece is separated, watching it all.

But it does more than watch.

It provides commentary, and even narration in the third person like I'm a character in a story.

Sometimes, I wish I could integrate it into myself, but I have no idea how.

Hey everyone,

Otherwise known as what Maddy Did

Sunny but the stiff breeze is preventing it being properly warm!

Hey everyone,

I'm not really very good at this sort of thing. I hate asking for help and this is not easy for me. As some of you may know I've been stuck living with my ex and his family since he broke up with me last year because I really have nowhere else to go. The situation has been growing increasingly more toxic and has contributed to a lot of my depression and anxiety of late. The fact that I can't get my prescriptions, hormones or even a doctor here in Quebec has made everything worse.

Well! I've said some things about what's been happening, but it's been moving so quickly I'm really not sure of it all myself!

We've had a few last gasps of a dying winter here in the Pacific Northwest, but during the last few convulsions, I was in Phoenix, spending time with my parents and my sister, and ended up with a sunburn. Ah, the feeling of freezing while the top layer of epidermis peels off your arms and shoulders. Such bliss!

On this day, April 19th, 1995, at 9:02 AM, white supremacist Timothy McVeigh destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City with an anfo bomb concealed in a U-Haul truck. The blast killed 168 people, including 19 children in a day care facility. The truck was parked directly in front of the day care. Over 800 people were injured. It remains the deadliest domestic terrorist attack in U.S. history.

so last night I dreamed I had to protect this house from magical assault, and after driving off several enemies, the last attack seemed to sap the will of the people living in the house, making them give up.

Faced with this, I fled.

I know its just a dream, but I woke feeling like I had let them down..

Okay so yesterday, I was shopping with Sharon, and I decided to pick up a bottle of distilled water for my CPAP machine, but when I went to ask a worker at the store, the word "distilled" simply vanished from my vocabulary.

I was able to find where they had the bottles, but its very uncomfortable to be standing in front of someone asking for something, and then the word for that something wont come.

sighs . . .

before I say this, I want to assure everyone I'm not going to hurt myself.

But man, do the lyrics of "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park feel approprate right now.

"I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

So I dreamed I was the star of a TV show about teen superheroes aboard a space station.

I've clearly been reading (and writing) too many superhero stories.

In case i don't get a chance over the next few days.

in the second episode of "Moon Knight" the bad guy asks the hero if he was broken before he was chosen, or did being chosen break him.

I sometimes wonder the same thing about the man who used me.

did his actions break me, or did he pick me because I was already broken?

Today was a "bad news - good news" day.

First the bad - I somehow managed to tear a hole in one of the tires on my car, and that was a serious stress
.
But now the good - My neighbor helped me put on my spare so I could take the car to a tire store, and after we got that looked after we were able to get a refill on my medications and some groceries.

I like days that end better than they start, don't you?

and other nonsensical ways to grab your attention.

is now available!

This morning I found myself thinking about my rapes and my gender issues.

When I first went for counseling, all I was hoping for was to find out for sure if my rapes had caused me to be transgender. I didn't think it would be possible to heal me from the damage done, but I hoped to understand and perhaps settle the issue of my gender identity.

The result was it seems that the two issues are not connected in a cause and effect way, so if one had been removed, I would still be dealing with the other.

So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

I've been in the habit in the past of talking to various folk on SKYPE but that can't be done any more do to my vocal cord issues. Now it looks like I will only be available by PM. Sorry. NO SKYPE any more.

It caught me, I certainly didn't go out looking for the damned virus!

I'm fully jabbed so it's just a question of riding it out - sorry for the belated posting of UG2 but I chose my bed rather than my desk yesterday. Meanwhile, I'm back at my desk and I may have been working on something new .....

Shiraz

so last night, I was supposed to do a home sleep study, and I blew it badly, not being able to connect the hoses properly.

so I'm going to have to try again tonight.

meanwhile, I think my manic phase is ending and I am heading downward, so hugs appreciated.

I'm sorry I haven't posted stories like I said I would.

My old psychologist took me off Adderall because she said I only wanted it to lose weight. So my ADHD has been acting up like crazy.

last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.