Autobiographical

bad day today

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I have had a really tough day.

It started with mom blowing a fuse making breakfast, and it took about 10 hours to get power back.

Then when we went to our car, we found that someone had smashed in my driver's side window looking for valuables
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Mom is convinced they wanted our parking pass, as that is the only thing missing, and therefore its my fault for leaving it visible to people outside the car.

sighs . . .

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July has several anniversaries.

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The first is my anniversary of a change of lifestyle which occurred on July 14 1986 when I went into my office in a skirt for the first time.
I am still amazed that there weren't more challenges and now 36 years later no one seems to care.

Second, it is 7 or 8 years since my son took his own life. I try not to despise my daughter-in-law, but it's hard.

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FYI: Cyst On Brain

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Cleaning house, I stumbled upon some old records that show I have a Cyst on the right frontal lobe of my brain that was detected in 2012. I'm seeing my health care provider on Tuesday, and am mildly frightened. Do these things turn into something more serious? The internet is frightening the hell out of me.

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Still in the hospital,

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So I went to the hospital last June 31, I'm trying to get this infection in my leg well and truly gone. I am currently in a nursing home being pumped to the gills with an antibiotic IV, I recently got my laptop from a friend and am unable to look up my passwords for my zoom account or my e-mail for that matter. When I get better I will resume where I can. The big thing I am currently worried about is not being able to take care of my finances weirdly enough I was able to get on my bank account but not my credit card accounts. When I know more you all will know more.

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Something Has Happened to Me.

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A couple of days ago I looked at my reflection in a window and was shocked. I look nothing like a woman, and don't care. I used to work really hard to appear feminine, in leggings and skirt and nice top on my bike. I don't walk much because my knees are both awful, and doing research, at my age (75) knee work just doesn't seem to work out. I'll stop complaining.

Now, when I go out, it is long pants. I have naturally grown B cup breasts but can't wear a bra of any sort because my lymph nodes all up and down my ribs hurt awfully. The girls really stand up with no sag.

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Jaci is gonna laugh at this entry

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I surrendered to Jaci's girl germs, and put on a skirt for my birthday yesterday.

Despite the fact I look like a dude in a dress, nobody said anything negative.

in fact, I got complimented on my outfit while in Walmart

I was getting a few things, and this lady had a little one in her shopping cart, who couldn't keep her eyes off me. I waved at the little one, and that's when the mom complimented me on my outfit

I think I blushed hard enough to drown out the lights.

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Referral pt 2

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Please bear in mind that I'm writing about the UK. Your experience may vary!

I wrote to my GP on Monday, confirming my wish to be referred for a Gender Identity Clinic, adding that I would also like an Orchidectomy. As an elective procedure (and not being performed at the same time as GRS) there's likely to be a fairly long wait for an NHS date.

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Referral pt 1

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My mail on Saturday included a letter from my Doctor. I've been exchanging letters with her since March after I realised it had been 10 years since my initial 'gatekeeper' interview with an NHS shrink, and nothing had been heard since then. The irony is that the same GP was handling me then so at least she couldn't blame anyone else in the building. The main issue was that the original paperwork had been lost and now is beyond recovery, although I had scanned the original report that recommended referral.

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Life Is Imitating My Art

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One of my grandsons has just come out as a new granddaughter. Not that I am overly surprised, but living 2,000 miles apart we don't see each other very much. If there is anyone in the Buffalo NY area that can recommend a good therapist, I would be much obliged. Please PM me if you can help.

It looks like the start of an interesting journey.

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the path from manic to Mr. Nasty

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well, I learned something about my manic phase today.

I never realized there is a path from my manic phase to Mr. Nasty, my negative self-talk.

But, there is.

Its because if I get angry while manic, that anger has more energy than when I'm depressed, and if the anger is caused by a sense of helplessness, and almost all my anger is, its really easy for that anger to shift focus to the helplessness itself, and then Mr. Nasty can start beating me up for being helpless.

Good to know, not fun to experience.

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What a mother!

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My mother is going away with her friend for a weeks holiday. I went around her house to drop some magazines for them.

My mother called me into her bedroom and showed me she had sorted out some clothes for me. There was underwear including a nice new black slip, women don't seem to wear those these days. She told me I could wear it in bed as a nightgown. She also gave me few tops, a handbag and a woman's coat.

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Bit of a scare

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Yesterday, in the early afternoon I started experiencing some things: trembling hands, upset stomach, racing heart. I went to urgent care finally and they sent me to the hospital ER.

Diagnosis for the moment is paroxysmal atrial fibrillation. I now have prescriptions to treat this and orders that I should see a cardiologist soonest.

I didn't get to bed till after two last night and I'm tired, but this may explain the rising number of times I've just been too tired to do much lately.

But I'm home and I mostly feel fine.

Love you all.

Hugs,
Erin

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Running late

Hey everyone,

As much as I was hoping to have the new Apocalypse Dawn chapter posted yesterday or even today it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. Between being busy and just having a spectacularly shitty week in general I probably won't have AD posted until tomorrow and I Wish until Thursday. Hopefully my appointment downtown tomorrow won't take too long and I can get stuff finished and posted at a decent hour.

*big hugs*

Amethyst

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gut-punches

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Okay, so yesterday we got the keys to the new place, and discovered a few problems.

The first gut-punch came when we found out the $175 parking fee doesn't give us a dedicated spot in the parkade, and the only time non-residents are not allowed to park in there is overnight.

This means its entirely possible we will come home from getting groceries or whatever, and not be able to find a place to park.

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I'm in the home stretch

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Well, I am in the home stretch in terms of the move.

We get the keys today, and pay our rent, and then we'll have a week to move whatever Mom and I can carry before the movers come for the furniture.

I am not sure how often I'll be able to check in, but when I can, I will.

Wish me luck, folks.

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Considering all things.

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It is now a week since I had the stroke and all things considered, I have been quite lucky, it could have been much worse. Thank you for the well wishes and concerns about my health, I do appreciate them. Whizz and I will do our best to continue to clutter up the site for a long time yet and I will try and post something this week. I hope you are all well.

Best wishes to all,

Angharad.

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Nitro Pills

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How many of you take nitroglycerin pills? How many carry your prescription with you? If my experience is any indicator, you'd better start.

I went out to eat yesterday, secure in the knowledge that I had my Nitro Pills with me, in case of angina.

Later on I happened to notice they were no longer in my purse, so I started backtracking. Knowing they were in a shiny aluminum case made me sure they would be spotted.

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one of my more frustrating habits showed up yesterday

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yesterday, I had one of my more frustrating habits show up.

I have a rash on my stomach that goes down to between my legs, and it was hurting me so bad I actually broke down and cried.

Then, and this is the frustrating part, I apologized for crying.

That's a habit I would truly like to break.

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Strange developement after coming out to my mother

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I am away on business tonight. It offers me an opportunity to be Leeanna. Normally I would get a quick bite to eat, shower, remove whatever excess hair I have, then dress and makeup. I don't get many chances to be "me" , so usually do it everytime I stay away.

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Using My Body

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I watch YouTube a lot and just about the only female on it that does not run around in a bikini a lot is Itchy Boots. Many of the women on YouTube wear the skimpiest bikinis and appear to like it a lot. Due to their wider Pelvis women can generally tolerate thong type bikinis very well, while a man would die in pain.

I'm roughly in the size range of a woman with respectable natural breasts and being post op, there is no tackle down below. If I shaved very well and made a trip to a makeup artist, then wore something sexy, I wonder if I would get away with it? Perhaps too risky?

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I figured out something from my youth today

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Okay for some reason, this morning I was thinking about how when I was a kid I had a very specific routine when it came to being dressed.
It occurred to me the routine was what would be approprate for wearing some more feminine clothing - underwear, socks, then bottoms and then top being reasonable if you replace the socks with pantyhose.

It seems that I was pretending to dress more feminine as a way to cope with my dysphoria, which would make sense.

not sure what figuring that out now gets me, but knowledge is power, I guess.

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Said Goodbye to Bonzi tonight.

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He was struggling with the lymphoma he had in the gut and I thought I needed to do something, so I took him to the vet and an hour later I buried him in the garden, so I brought him home.

I shall miss him dreadfully, I'd had him for nearly 17 years but it was awful to watch the cancer eatng him away.

So rest in peace little fellow, you know I loved you.

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