well, I learned something about my manic phase today.

I never realized there is a path from my manic phase to Mr. Nasty, my negative self-talk.

But, there is.

Its because if I get angry while manic, that anger has more energy than when I'm depressed, and if the anger is caused by a sense of helplessness, and almost all my anger is, its really easy for that anger to shift focus to the helplessness itself, and then Mr. Nasty can start beating me up for being helpless.

Good to know, not fun to experience.

I'm sorry to have to tell you guys I wont have any new stories for a bit. The move, and then unpacking from the move, has taken most of my energy.

so once again, sorry.

My mother is going away with her friend for a weeks holiday. I went around her house to drop some magazines for them.

My mother called me into her bedroom and showed me she had sorted out some clothes for me. There was underwear including a nice new black slip, women don't seem to wear those these days. She told me I could wear it in bed as a nightgown. She also gave me few tops, a handbag and a woman's coat.

its nearly time for my lollidays!

yep, surprised me too!

well technically no, not until later in the month but it is the summer term in Euro schools.

latest chapter of TTSD is up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/94317/ttsd-5-dot-hunting

Hey everyone,

As much as I was hoping to have the new Apocalypse Dawn chapter posted yesterday or even today it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. Between being busy and just having a spectacularly shitty week in general I probably won't have AD posted until tomorrow and I Wish until Thursday. Hopefully my appointment downtown tomorrow won't take too long and I can get stuff finished and posted at a decent hour.

*big hugs*

Amethyst

Well, I am in the home stretch in terms of the move.

We get the keys today, and pay our rent, and then we'll have a week to move whatever Mom and I can carry before the movers come for the furniture.

I am not sure how often I'll be able to check in, but when I can, I will.

Wish me luck, folks.

Or what i done this week.

has been sweeping the South West, at least its not too cold!

I am away on business tonight. It offers me an opportunity to be Leeanna. Normally I would get a quick bite to eat, shower, remove whatever excess hair I have, then dress and makeup. I don't get many chances to be "me" , so usually do it everytime I stay away.

I watch YouTube a lot and just about the only female on it that does not run around in a bikini a lot is Itchy Boots. Many of the women on YouTube wear the skimpiest bikinis and appear to like it a lot. Due to their wider Pelvis women can generally tolerate thong type bikinis very well, while a man would die in pain.

I'm roughly in the size range of a woman with respectable natural breasts and being post op, there is no tackle down below. If I shaved very well and made a trip to a makeup artist, then wore something sexy, I wonder if I would get away with it? Perhaps too risky?

Okay for some reason, this morning I was thinking about how when I was a kid I had a very specific routine when it came to being dressed.
It occurred to me the routine was what would be approprate for wearing some more feminine clothing - underwear, socks, then bottoms and then top being reasonable if you replace the socks with pantyhose.

It seems that I was pretending to dress more feminine as a way to cope with my dysphoria, which would make sense.

not sure what figuring that out now gets me, but knowledge is power, I guess.

life throws us bananas when we want ice cream!

I saw my non VA Counselor for the last time today, I think. I feel good about it. Later I started to watch some episodes of "Stranger Things", and in one Miley Bobby Brown ( of Enola Holmes too.) is thrown into a Psychological Detention cell. That completely destroyed my happy thought. I was confined in one of those at the VA several times, once strapped down. In retrospect that was a huge over reaction on their part and caused by their evil Psych. drugs. Earlier I had been reading an old MRI report that says I have a cyst in the lower right frontal lobe. No symptoms to point to.

otherwise known as the Origin of Spaces!

Okay so I was talking to a friend last night about my current bout of depression, and she, because she likes to tease me about how girly I am, pointed out that my bipolar cycle speeds up once a month, mimicking a period.

Now before you totally dismiss this, I must report that both times I lived with a woman with a menstrual cycle, my bipolar started to mirror that cycle, to the point I would joke with Tracy that she never had to tell me when her period was about to start, as I just had to pay attention to my own emotions.

so according to my account, I've been a member here for 13 years and 1 day.

I wish I could feel like celebrating, because I'm super grateful for this place, but I'm struggling with depression.

a bright interlude!

I'm taking a few days off to go see some of the desert museums and chill before it gets too hot to make such a trip.

I'll be gone Thu and Fri, probably recuperating Sat and Sun but I will have my phone and laptop with me.

Try not to set the place on fire. :)

Hugs,
Erin

well not much has happened!

Yep, for some obscure reason the UK celebrates May Day

I hate being in a consistent deep-down. This has been going on for over a week straight now & I am getting rather worried. My techniques, to manage it, is hardly working & most are not doing anything at all. My paranoia is up & my antisocial side is making a comeback. I have thoughts, in my head that are so emotionally focused they are anywhere from logical.
Like, I know people care, but feel the opposite... despite what logic decrees.