Autobiographical

It’s been awhile…

Warning: Don’t read this if you’re squeamish there’s a lot of nasty things that are going to be said. If the moderators think I’ve went too far in explaining what has happened to me then they are free to remove it. I just wanted to get this out into the open.

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my time as the Ugandan ambassador to the (model) UN.

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I don't know if I have ever told the story of how I became the Ugandan ambassador to my school's model UN.

I had signed up, because I was fascinated by the idea, until the random generator said I was to represent Uganda.

If you've seen pictures of the people of Uganda, they are mostly black, and if you've seen pictures of me, I am most definitely not black.

So being the nerd I was, I came up with a backstory to explain why I was picked as the ambassador, even though nobody but me seemed to take the model UN thing terribly seriously.

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Does Detransitioning mean you were not Transgendered?

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I've felt a bit odd lately and have gone out in full male mode a few times. If my facial structure was more feminine, I could look like a Butch Dyke, pardon me. I had my hair all cut off to about to about 6.5 mm (1/4"). I am going out today for several hours and plan to do more of that. To me, it seems that my transition, including bottom Surgery, might have been ill advised. Warnings from the Psychological Community seem dire because many of them feel that it is a precursor to Suicide. I'm not feeling that. My children would undoubtedly support detransition.

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Referral pt 8 - officially female

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A lovely surprise call this morning from my Doctor's office telling me that I had been issued with a new NHS number. That's because the gender marker has been changed and I'm officially female. That was supposed to take 3 weeks but was completed in just 11 days! I'm also, once again, able to order prescriptions online now that the national NHS database has been modified.

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Where has Dot been ?

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Okay, so last night Jaci called me, and told me some people on Discord were rather concerned about me, since I hadn't been on in a while, nor had a posted a blog here.

I told her and the others I had gotten super focused on a stupid D&D thing I had been working on, and just kind of tuned everything else out.

But having had a night to think about it, that was only partially true.

See, last Thursday, a 16 year old boy killed 2 police officers, seriously wounded his own mother, and then took his own life here in Edmonton.

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Referral pt 7 - Social accounts & outing(s)

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After monday's call from my GP I had some thinking to do. Last night I was in a pub where the owner was marking his 20th anniversary as the pub landlord. That event had me standing next to a couple who are retired teachers (having both taught my daughter) and with whom I'm involved with festivals & projects.

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Crappy Internet

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My Internet is undependable. I don't need speed. I don't game. Shopping is getting worse and worse. Ads on Facebook used to be relatively safe but now most are spam and some try to fishe me. BCTS has been fine aside from slow downs once in a while. YouTube used to have good movies but now it seems to be in decline.

Is it the Banks or what? I've been wanting a Laptop or Tablet but it is like dealing with criminals.

What?

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Grateful For Your Help.

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I've wanted to be an Author all my life. Unfortunately, the forces of a life of parental abuse and after kept me distracted for a long, long time. Coming to Big Closet, almost as soon as it opened, my writing was awful despite the fact that I had taken Creative Writing courses even in the late 50s in school. For me, School was a happy place, giving me a chance to escape my tormentors and to be able to play. My grades were way below acceptable, almost failing and I did not care, a fact that exasperated my teachers.

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got my PTSD triggered, need hugs

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So a couple of days ago, while in Walmart, I saw what looked like a book that looked like a novel with a cute romantic comedy vibe, so I picked it up.
At the start, the book delivered on that vibe, as it told the story of an ordinary man and a witch who fall for each other.

They met, he somehow defeated the glamor on her house (which is supposed to make people forget it and the residents) to remember her, they had a meet cute, they had a misunderstanding, it was all going pretty much the way I expected.

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Surreality

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So last night the wife and I had dinner out - not all that unusual. As we were leaving, a guy held the door for me, then complimented me on my shirt and earrings.

Folks, in real life I'm a very large, fat old man with a full, gray beard. Could I possibly been reverse-read? Did he somehow see my inner woman?

I did appreciate the compliment, though.

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I'm going to have Sam twice a week

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So because Sharon has been unable to get a caregiver for Sam, she's going to have to come here twice a week on the days Sharon works.

On the one hand, I love seeing Sam, and I'm sure she's not unhappy to spend time with me and mom.

On the other hand, this means me getting 1 mental health day a week is going to be impossible, and I worry I am not going to be able to provide the activity level she needs.

I think she needs someone who can keep up with her, not a crippled Dad.

Well, we'll just have to do our best.

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Many Thanks. It's Been Fun.

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Creatures of darkness have gotten at my accounts and at my age I may not have enough gray matter left to fix it all. It is very late in life for me, and while there has been no official diagnosis, it is a struggle to keep track of things. Having gotten rid of my car, there is no car payment, Insurance, or petrol cost and these days that is a substantial sum.

My sincerest gratitude to those who have shared kindness between us. Sadly, my children are mostly useless if I need help. I have Lymphoma and right now it seems to be less troublesome.

Peace and blessings to you all.

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Contrast!

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A day of contrasts:

Outside, snow is falling on the street beside my mobile home:
Snow falling outside

Inside, we had this delightful salad with lettuces, tomatoes, eggs, salami and a lemon dressing:
Inside, we had salad

I hope all are warm, comfortable and have something nice to eat.

Hugs,
Erin and Melanie

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has my life gotten too good for me to write?

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In order to tell the story I want to, I have to tell a different one first.

A long time ago there was a TV show, called "Love, American Style".

The show was an anthology, each week presenting a different story about the perils and joys of being in love.

And on this show there was an episode where a singer known for his sad songs about heartbreak and loneliness found a girl, and then discovered he couldn't write sad songs, or indeed any songs.

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The Firsts and the Fear

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So, I got my first, real, professional pedicure a few nights ago. I honestly do not know why I never had this done before because my feet felt *amazing* when it was over. I even got them polished with a nice sea foam green color. My wife was with me when I had this done (she actually suggested that we go together) and thought the color looked nice.

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I had a mixed day yesterday

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So I had a mixed day yesterday.

I got some good news from my endo doc, as I'm losing weight, and my blood pressure is really good.

Sadly I am still struggling with my blood sugar so he's going to tweak my meds to see if we can make some progress there.

Then we took Sharon and Sam out for a bit, and its still a joy to see Sam talking and laughing again.

But then my knee tweaked, and I was in serious pain with only a Tylenol to try and dull it.

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In leu of therapy, I went swimming

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Since I can't afford therapy, today I went swimming instead.

2 hours in a pool probably did as much good to my state of mind, and much more good to my body, than rehashing the endless cycle that is my mental health with someone would have.

Maybe even more . . .

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Tentative new schedule

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Hey everyone,

Today is going to be the start of what will hopefully become my new posting schedule on BCTS. Starting today I'm going to try to get into a set schedule where I would be posting Freedom of Naethari and The Faerie Blade one weekend, followed by Apocalypse Dawn on Tuesdays every second week. On the alternating weeks it would be Snow Angel and later something else on the weekend as well, followed by I Wish on Tuesdays until I Wish is completed.

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had a self-care day

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Okay so I took a self-care day today.

First, I shaved my face, a task which can be difficult for me, as I get caught in a catch 22 - I hate shaving, but I hate the facial hair too.

Then I went to a local pool and swam for about an hour and a half.

Then mom and I went out for brunch, and after brunch I got my hair cut.

Its shorter, but I think it still looks feminine and kind of cute, actually.

So that was my self-care day.

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Birthday Season!

is upon us! Well a lot of my friends etc have birthdays this month, certainly more than through the rest of the year. Of course its still a couple of weeks to my own, is it really 10 years since the last significant one?

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sometimes, you have to know when to pick your battles

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So tomorrow morning, my mom is going out for breakfast with one of my uncles.

I've made the choice to not come with, because he apparently has a problem with trans people.

And as he is almost 90, and dying of cancer, I think I'll skip making a scene.

Sometimes, you got to know when to pick your battles - and when its best to withdraw

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Don't worry

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Don't worry, nothing to be excited about. I am as surprised as anyone, perhaps more. I had a huge attack of very painful Lymphoma over the weekend that almost drove me to the Doctor. Saturday, I went to the Barber and got a buzz cut. I don't even recognize myself now. I'm wearing Cargo Pants and a man's T shirt.

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Busy, weary, strapped for time other than work

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I should drop by more often, but life is doing its best to consume all available hours of the day.

Apologies for my long silence. I *am* healthy, and I haven't given up trying to write, but as noted - it's gonna be a while before anything new is posted.

My apologies, and best wishes in this new year for all. In particular my friends who are near and dear to my heart.

With Love

Nicole (Itinerant/"Hey You!")

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