while the term Triggered has been co-opted, I can think of no other word to describe what happened to me today.

I was doing laundry, and reading a book, when a particular passage in it set off memories of what happened to me as a child.

It took me a while, but I managed to get through it.

That said, I am accepting all hugs right now.

Today, as I sat in my car after grocery shopping. It occurred to me that once again, I had an offer of assistance from a man as I was hoisting 40# box of kitty litter into my cart. I already had it lifted to the top of the basket so that it rested there as I braced to put inside. I said, "I've got the hard part done, but thank you anyway."

I bought some expensive supposedly indestructible tights - I got a run in them putting them on the first time.

I just cant wear pretty things.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

but its neither Pontoon or summer!

Okay so for some reason I have noticed a change in my dreams, in terms of where they take place.

See a lot of my dreams have taken place at or near my old high school in Calgary, but lately, I have been having dreams set on my grandparent's farm, which was just north of a little town called Redwater, which was itself just north of Edmonton. I dont know if this means anything, but it is kind of interesting.

I grew up in the Imperial Valley, the southeast corner of California. Big farming area in a desert.

My dad worked for the Imperial Irrigation District as a zanjero, a ditch rider. Farmers and other water-users like cities and industries buy water, which is delivered through a series of canals, originating in the Colorado River 70 to 100 miles away. They have done this for about 100 years.

Yeah, 39 years……… probably 38 more than I deserve, lol.

I fully expected that my marriage was over a decade ago when my spouse and I had our first discussion about my gender dysphoria. And then again multiple times after that, but especially when I told her I was going to transition.

We had gone through a lot, between my time in the service and the ensuing issues it left, to my civilian career which kept me away from home about 75 to 80% of the time, and then eventually due to my gender issues.

I have been struggling for a long time on how to formulate this post on a deeply personal issue. While sharing this personal struggle that is affecting my own mental health, it is also a request (maybe even a cry) for help to members of this community located towards the north-west of Germany.

I mean obviously it's ticked by, second by second but i seem to have missed it all somehow.

Since yesterday was my laundry day, and most of my non-winter pants were already in my laundry basket, I pulled out a skirt, and because it was a bit cool, I also put on a pair of pantyhose.

Now, despite what my friend Jaci says about me being a girly girl, I do this far less often than you might think, but yesterday I found myself wondering why that is.

Because I felt good.

Tension I didn't even realize I had left me.

I simply can not say how this happened. All the Medical Provider will indicate to me is that I have a Blood infection of of unspecified origin. What with all the different strains of Covid mucking around it is not surprising. For years doomsayers have been preaching the end of Earth through various means.

This isn't surprising to me. There are three major hospitals near to me and a half dozen others.

It's gotten to the point that any time I go out, I wear a mask. Thankfully, I found some pretty flowery masks that do not look quite as awful as most.

So I went swimming today, and while in the pool, I found myself thinking about 2 moments from my childhood.

The first involved a time when I was high school, I was curious about the name for the pants worn by Madonna (they were Capri pants, in case you were wondering) and had asked a gaggle of girls, when one growled at me and asked if I wanted to know so I could buy a pair to wear.

I was taken aback by her anger, because I didnt know why at the time.

for Oktoberfest!

I want to talk about choices for a moment.

See, I dont really trust myself, so when faced with decisions, I tend to turtle and try and avoid the situation. Of course, not choosing is in fact making a choice, and can have consequences.

But there is a more subtle way this works for me, and that happens if someone is offering me advice on the choice.

I find myself wanting to just hand the choice over to them, so I dont have to deal with it.

Really getting tired of just surviving; life is there, but I am wondering if health issues are a result of early life HRT use. Maybe, it's just a phase, trying to declutter my life and wondering why I'm not social. Most of the people at work are counting the months till retirement while finding terminal issues that won't let them retire. Sorry just dealing with end of summer duldrums, finding sleep patterns that are not resetting and really thinking taking the second shift was a mistake.

So last night, I had a radically different dream.

After having some adventures driving down a steep hill and then trying to find a way back up, I found myself outside a school. One of the teachers came and took me to the office, saying they needed to enroll me.

Now here was the really interesting part.

I told them I did not belong to that reality, so I could not be enrolled.

The office had a large computer, and at first agreed I did not belong in that reality, but then it glitched, and said that I now belonged there, so the teachers enrolled me.

I hate to say this. I feel betrayed. I'm post operative MTF and thought I was sailing along just fine.

I had wondered why my Doctor had not renewed my prescription of Estradiol .1 patches. She is unwilling to discuss the matter with me, or it seems that way.

In the last months I've had Edema in both legs, odd spots on my skin. Now I am scheduled to have a heart image procedure with dye. They seem to be very concerned with tumors on my spine and brain and Stroking out.

Does anyone know how to get a hold of Jeremy Chandler. I see he posted here in February this year. I have an email address for him, but just now I sent an email to it and it bounced before I could even look at my next email.

I talked with him a couple of years ago about the possibility of contributing a chapter or two to "My Summer in Pantyhose" when he was having trouble moving on with the story, but at that time, I couldn't wrap my head around the storyline well enough to do so.

so despite not feeling well today, I managed to help mom make an attempt to fix my bed.

I will know if it works after I sleep in it tonight.

Obeying site rules, I won't bring certain issues up

Do you feel safe at your home?

I'm thinking about backup measures. Thinking some hostile things that I am not likely to do.

What say you???

Ahabidah

So I managed to snap a support strut on my bed. You add a broken computer chair, a broken recliner, and a car that needs an overhaul, I could use to win a lottery.

If the universe would stop beating me up for a bit, that would be great.

Huggles appreciated, as always.

I need advice. A couple of you know my real name and who I am, where I live and all that. I'm not rich but due to my thrifty lifestyle and God, live comfortably. I am free of the blood sucking effects of automobile ownership. I'm bored and at times get depressed. I have to be careful not to make too much money because of the tender mercies of the American Tax folk. Of course, I may be so old that I don't have to pay taxes.