So, here I am on Chemo Treatment Day 2.

I got a new drug added to the cocktail, this one supposedly targets specific cancer cells, colon cancer being one of them, and draws the drugs to them to kill them. As it was explained to me, rather like a Ranger ground team Lasing a target to guide in a smart bomb. I still have to take the pump home for two days with it wired into my port, which makes for very awkward maneuvering around home. But, it beats dying so I'm not complaining.

Okay so last week, I had to get some cavities filled, and is always the case, they had to sedate me.

Once it was over, one of the nurses helped me get to our car, and Mom drove me home.

Except . . .

I can place myself in the driver's seat for the drive home, even though that is impossible.

And so I find myself shaken, wondering what other memories I have are fake, especially the memories I have recovered of the abuse I suffered as a child, as one of the few things I am sure of is my abuser used sedation on me.

hugs appreciated.

however much we wish otherwise.

38 years ago it was a Monday morning when I went into my office as a woman and everyone was very helpful. I've had a few difficult days since then including coming to terms with a stroke and the finite quality of life. I've lost my son, my marriage had already broken up, but he took his own life in 2014, a week after I'd celebrated 28 years of being me. The surgery took longer than anticipated but gave me time to know it was right for me. I just got into the fast track applicants to the Gender Panel, so after 16 or so years as female, I actually got legal status as one.

or something

I swear, if you could somehow film my dreams, you would have a blockbuster. Like last night, I dreamed I was a police woman in a small town with a sexist boss when something made people in the town go crazy and I had to keep people from hurting each other.

See what I mean

left handed screwdrivers etc are but nothing compared to a long wait.

or at least not engaging drive!

Hey everyone,
Sorry, I've been so quiet lately. Things have been happening.

Today, we started an aggressive process to fix what I've been calling the "phantom logout issues." No one is logged out; just some part of the system serves you a "stale" logged-out page from the cache in a few small places.

We have disabled much of the caching setup to try to figure out what's going wrong, and things seem to be better, but I need more data before I can start rebuilding.

or some other Anglo-Saxon expression of expletive!

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my brother.

I think I can finally admit I've been jealous of him pretty much my whole life.

As a kid, I wanted to be able to catch up to him in school, to be competitive with him at ping pong, or play the guitar like he did.

And even when we became adults I always felt like I was not as good as him. He managed to overcome his issues and succeed at college, and get a good job as a programmer, while I failed three times to get a higher education and barely managed to get a certificate as a Nurse's Aide.

It is now just over five weeks since I had my heart bypass operation. I haven't been ignoring you folks because there was nothing to say; rather the opposite, there is (very slow) progress but I just haven't had the time or energy to document it.

Time to put that right.

and i'm feeling a bit more energised!

I've been thinking about this since I first found out. As mentioned a couple of blogs ago, my grandson got married on the first. While at the wedding, I talked with a lot of family members that I don't often get to spend a lot of time with.

Yep, the actual concluding chapter of On The Edge is yours today!

I can't say what has happened to the Internet. I thought it was only in the last two weeks, but it may have been actually going on for much longer. ONE person has actually reached out to me, offering help and I gave them all my contact information.

It's been nearly 20 years, and along the way several people have asked for help, and I have done my best to respond. I've tried very hard to be responsive to the site administrators. The record is there, if they kept any.

I had 2 rather encouraging dreams last night.

In the first one, I was in a contest where I had to climb up what looked like a life-size pinball machine.

In the second one, I was back in university and realized I had forgotten to write down the location of one class, so I went to the office to get it.

So what was encouraging?

In the first time, I wasn't afraid to take a breath and plan each step I took.

In the second I wasn't afraid or ashamed of asking for help when I needed it.

and that's encouraging.

For almost a week, the Internet has been unavailable to me, no email, or online purchases. I don't know if my old win 10 computer died or if I got hacked or what? Eventually, I gave up on it because I knew that by August Win 10 was not going to be supported anyway.

Well, I have some good news to share.

First, I got the results of the CT scan done on my brain back, and it showed no signs of damage or anything. While that is good, it means we still don't know why I have word drop and brain farts.

Second, I am now on stage 2 of dealing with my dentures, which means I can now have solid (if soft) foods.

Step by step, I do what I can, and its great to make progress.

huggles for everybody

I didn't think I could, but a new story idea came to me last night, and I realized it fit the idea of a fresh start.

here it is, please leave kudos and comments!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/102586/little-bit-his...

We had to go to my grandson's wedding this last Saturday. As family we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday as well as the wedding. It was a three hour round trip to the venue. We decided to spend the night. As we were packing for the two events. My wife was dithering over what to wear. She picked out a nice top but the neck line was a little loose and she was concerned about "down the blouse" views if she bent over a little and was wondering what she could wear under. I offered:

"I could loan you a black cami."

I have to share my latest dream, while I still remember it.

In the dream, I was on a quest, and had gathered a group of people to be part of it.

Once the group was assembled, I told them that one of them, a young woman, had a connection to me and to what was going to happen

I told them, "I'm the fuse. She's the bomb."

I didn't seem upset about this. In fact I told the girl, "Come on, lets go boom"

Then I told them we had to get to a certain location up on top of a hill on the outskirts of the city, and we began to travel.