I have been struggling for a long time on how to formulate this post on a deeply personal issue. While sharing this personal struggle that is affecting my own mental health, it is also a request (maybe even a cry) for help to members of this community located towards the north-west of Germany.

As the title of this blog states, I am having a serious psychological crisis with loneliness! But I also have a very high need to be alone, in order to recover from and recharge for social interactions. On one hand I thrive in being alone, while on the other hand I despair from being lonely!

As far back as I can remember, I have felt like an outsider and socially marginalized. Growing up, I felt much more comfortable and at ease socializing with adults or with “peers” that were at least two to three years younger than me. A group of two or maybe three was OK, but any group bigger than that was painful and even torture for me.

Part of that feeling was the result of an above average IQ, that bordered on precocious, in a “closed” society and community in the wilderness of central South America that valued conformity and a [lowest] common denominator above all else. Another important explanation came when I became aware of being neurodivergent in my early 30s. Getting the “informal” diagnosis of ADHD was a huge game changer for me. But within 10-15 years I came to realize that ADHD could not explain some important issues I was struggling with. In the last few years I have become aware of many “symptoms” that would also place me on the Autism Spectrum. And I am now trying to get a formal and official diagnosis of AuDHD (a combination of both ADHD and Autism).

Yesterday the German mental health channel Psychologie im Alltag posted the video Warum du dich wie ein Außenseiter fühlst!. Of the 10 reasons Why you feel like an outsider, I could identify with eight, and very strongly with at least six.

At the end of 2019 I moved from central South America to Germany. The community where I grew up and lived up to that point has strong roots to German culture and history. Although I have also strong personal ties to the mid-western culture of North America (Indiana, Ontario, Manitoba and Kansas). I was just starting to establish a social network and trying to find an economic foothold when everything went into lock-down due to the pandemic. And in the last three to four years I have gone from half-way functional to a total psychological “basket case”.

Suicidal thoughts or wishes are nothing new to me, but so far a very deeply rooted sense for the sanctity of life has prevented me from murdering myself. Even though my apartment on the 4th floor has a balcony, I have profound fear (almost a phobia) of falling over the railing that virtually prevents me from using it. I have lost almost all motivation to continue living and I often wish I could just exit from this world, but I refuse to even contemplate active murder.

As part of my effort to restart building a social network, make new acquaintances and find social events for face-to-face interactions, I was encouraged to participate in the “Joy Club”. Unfortunately that platform deletes “private” messages without any means to retain a copy off-line, so I lost important contact information. Plus the main focus seemed to be the “wam bam thank you ma'am” kind. Where despite a very clear declaration of NO interest in contact from any males (due to early childhood sexual abuse) way over 95% of the contact attempts were from males with a certain innuendo.

Just to make that explicitly clear: I am on the asexual spectrum and identify as demisexual. I self-identify as female in gender, which would make my sexual orientation lesbian. And after more than twenty years I am still not looking for sexual relationship, not even a one-night-stand or an escort!!

I am currently living in Wuppertal (just east of Düsseldorf and Köln). I also have the Deutschland-Ticket, that allows me to use any and all local and regional public transit to travel throughout all of Germany.

So here is my plea for help. Are there any ladies living in north to central western Germany that would be willing to meet face to face with me? Despite my social anxiety I am willing to do a day-trip out and back from Wuppertal to meet with you in some public setting. Though overnight stays are outside my current budget. Vacation or R&R trips are a psychological no-go, because they trigger severe anxiety, I can manage trips that have a specific purpose. I often wish I could have a monthly in person meeting with a friendly face, just to alleviate or counteract the loneliness. (Just wanted to mention that I am fluent in German, English and Spanish.)

Looking forward to hearing from community members in Germany, but also from the Netherlands or Luxembourg.

Jessica Nicole