Yeah, 39 years……… probably 38 more than I deserve, lol.

I fully expected that my marriage was over a decade ago when my spouse and I had our first discussion about my gender dysphoria. And then again multiple times after that, but especially when I told her I was going to transition.

We had gone through a lot, between my time in the service and the ensuing issues it left, to my civilian career which kept me away from home about 75 to 80% of the time, and then eventually due to my gender issues.

When I came out, she tried to deal with it. She tried to convince me to keep it in private, then she told me she didn’t care if I wanted to cross dress in the house - just not outside of the house. But I told her I had tried to keep it hidden for years and it was eating me alive. That pretending was killing me, that I couldn’t be a dirty little secret hidden away in the closet. And I moved forward. I had been seeing a therapist for years, first due to my issues from my time in the military, and then due to my gender issues. I started seeing an endocrinologist for HRT - although I had been self-medicating for a while by then. And yeah, I got the expected lecture for that even though I had been giving myself the proper dosages per my doctor, lol.

My spouse eventually convinced me to halt my transition, even going to see the endocrinologist with me when I told him I was stopping the hormones. That lasted about six months, but by then I had already returned to being on the edge of suicide. So I told her I couldn’t be what she wanted and went back to the endocrinologist. She told me not to come back home from my next business trip, and let me know she had gone to see a lawyer about a divorce. Three weeks later one of my sons called me to tell me that she really needed to talk to me, and as my lawyer had advised that I not speak with her I was not taking her calls or texts. Hence the call from my son.

I called her, and she let me know that she had realized that she loved the me that was inside, not what was outside. She had told the lawyer to get lost and wanted to come see me. She drove down to Pennsylvania that night to be with me, and we are still together. I have now fully transitioned, and she tells me I am a much better person than I was before.

So 39 years ago on October 12, 1985, I was lucky enough to marry my soulmate - a woman who is a saint. Without her, my life is just an accumulation of days spent dealing with the inanities of life. A collection of wasted days. Without her, I am nothing.

With her, I am a better person.

With her, I am everything.