Humor

Tit Torture-Free Site

Erin has pulled a couple of her old ASS* stories, and reposted them here. I'm following suit. This story was posted as part of Lord Malinov's Exploding Nipples contest: write a short story with a title based on a spam subject line. I've written several, even after the contest was mostly forgotten.
 
        Tit Torture-Free Site
        By Daphne Xu
        Copyright 1998

"YOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" Something zapped my breasts!

Nerd-No-More

Nerd-No-More
by Ellie Dauber (c) 2018

Tired of being bullied? Take Nerd-No-More and see the change.

* * * * *

Nerd-No-More -- Available by prescription only; talk to your doctor now.

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Finale, Chapters 18, 19 & 20

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Finale, Chapters 18, 19, & 20

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Alice Gräber finally finds a satisfactory solution to her problem. Our tale finally comes to a close.

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 16 & 17

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 16 & 17

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 14 & 15

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 14 & 15

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Bob Temple asks Sandra Night if she would have lunch with him. She doesn't find it difficult to accept. During their conversation, she suddenly realizes who he was. He's known who she was for quite a while; just that he didn't know the whole story. They agree to talk to The Wizard. Many changes are occurring in the cave, including changes in names.

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 12 & 13

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 12 & 13

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Paul tells his mother that her quest is futile. The intrepid four enter the cave, and soon discover the importance of each treasure. They also discover that their time in the cave is different than outside. Lois Papadopoulos comes to Sandra to tell her she’s out of the group. She tells her what happened to get her where she is. Sandra agrees that their venture is futile. Tom is selected as leader. Ivan is second in command.

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 10 & 11

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 10 & 11

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Barbara gets her mind back. Myrtle finds the ground where she will carry out the assassination. Ivan explains to Pappy that she will do nothing to foul up the project because he believes it will lead to his transition. Tom explains to the others what he believes the cave is about, and Ivan agrees. He and Tom have been there before. Bob Temple asks Sandra to have a drink with him. It doesn’t exactly go well.

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 8 & 9

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 8 & 9

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Paul confronts his mother about what The Wizard may or may not have done to her. He’s pretty much on the mark as to what actually happened. Since he has her attention, he’s finally able to come out to her about his being transgender. She’s not happy and is convinced it’s The Wizard’s doing. Myrtle is convinced she can take The Wizard out. Tom confronts his parents about what caused their animosity. They didn’t read the instructions!

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 6 & 7

Cynthia and the Queen of the Knight, Chapters 6 & 7

By Portia Bennett

Introduction: There are many people in the universe of The Wizard and Spells R Us who are not very happy with what he’s done to them. One transformee decides to take steps necessary to eliminate The Wizard once and for all. She gathers a group of equally disgruntled victims of The Wizard’s magic, and they try to put together a plan. Will they succeed?

Our four protagonist discuss what they are going to do in light of what they’ve discovered. They decided to press on. They realize why their parents are trying to kill The Wizard. The three newly blonde bullies and their mothers meet with Dr. Bettencourt, aka The Wizard. The mothers want the best for their bad boys, as long as the boys really want it. Guess what? Two more conspirators drop out.

This story is another addition to The Cynthia Chronicles, Volume II. Cynthia (Cindy) Brewer has graduated from medical school. Randi Lewis at age 18 is starting work on her Master of Science in Chemistry, and Charli Brewer is a freshman in pre-med at UConn. Bobbie Anderson is setting the golf world on fire having now won tournaments on the PGA in addition to her many victories on the LPGA. This story takes place several years before Bobbie and the Glass Ceiling. If you are not familiar with the stories that make up the Cynthia Chronicles, you might want to go back to the beginning with An Incremental Journey

I Can't Breathe.

Rob can't breathe and even as young as he is life seems to be closing in really hard.
Until he's given a chance, a very odd chance to get away from everything closing in an maybe find some breathing room.

Sweet Dreams-60

Sweet Dreams-60

*Before…

Jen actually beats me too it and says. “Why does having something cool like this have to be a competition? I think the more people the better when we want to do something cool.”
I hold my palm out and Jen slaps it in a sort of low five and stuff.
I look over to Kathy and she’s giving us both the stink eye as are some of her friends who are just kind of looking at Queer Corner with all that snobby better than you disdain that I’m kind of used to seeing a lot of the time.

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 12

Sixteen Feet of Steel Chapter 12

*Before…

It’s kind of fun breaking these old class rules.

It’s very fun when we’re slowly starting to mix the two styles together…a few more turns, use the circle to switch a partner to the right and add a clap after the snaps as we step back towards our partners.

And then it’s late and the lights are burning low when the fiddles and violas start singing out that up close and personal waltz music and I’m finding myself really close and hands holding hands with Alaan once again and he’s…he’s very, very handsome and I’m feeling…and he’s so large, bigger than me in this good way and he’s smiling just from having fun but he’s looking at me…he’s looking at me in a way that makes me want to blush and makes me want to want things.

And then he makes me twirl.

*And Now…

Masks Chapter 40

Masks Chapter 40

Chapter 40

*Before…

Dad nods. “Well here’s thanking those that look out for us and we’re thankful for the things we have both on the table and around it and guys…we’re thankful to the ladies for making everything aren’t we?”

There’s a chorus of thanks and agreement and Mandy’s beaming and then we all start passing food and plates and Mom starts us off by asking about our days.

Dad…he looks happy like this is the way it’s supposed to be and Mary Jane’s all content looking too with this sort of want/need/missed this expression and I get that and Mandy actually has the same expression only a bit more wistful looking and it reminds me that there’s a lot going on and not more than likely with my friends and I really do have it pretty good.

*And Now…

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 11

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 11

*Before…

“Yeah it’s pretty much all gone and I’ve found myself here in this journal and with all of you…and even with my memory gone…guess what? I’m still trans. So I guess I’m still Sarah. And I’m like out to my folks.”

“I sort of had a major PTSD freak out inside the Scanner-coffin thing and I…Sarah came out during my panic attack. Thankfully my folks seem to be cool about it. The whole thing though is really scary and really messed up. I think so for all of us.”

“Well that’s about it for now, I really can’t think of much else to say or cover right now.”

I read it twice and then I hit post and I sit back and switch over to my You Tube to watch some videos and as I’m doing so I’m getting pings to my g-mail with replies to my post.

I’m really nervous as I click it over and start to read them.

*And Now…

The Dark of the Moon: A Sock in the Mouth

The Dark of the Moon: A Sock in the Mouth
By Christopher Leeson

Version 07/31/2014

Darrell Rivers used to be a sour boy; none of the good things in life seemed to come his way. All that changed the day that he met Josette Melford. She enchanted him utterly. Unfortunately, it turns out to be more enchantment than Darrell wants to deal with.

Masks Chapter 37

Masks Chapter 37

Chapter 37

*Before…
We leave heading for class and I sneak a look back and Elizabeth just threw her Starbucks coffee in a huge splash all over the hallway wall and she’d be coming for us or at us if it wasn’t for two teacher’s bee lining it to see what’s going on.
Yeah my mask’s still on pretty tight and I might still be Stephen but I’m really Stephanie…and Stephanie's tired of getting stepped on already.
Has anyone ever came out and not taken huge amounts of bullshit?
Maybe, Maybe I’m going to find out.

*And Now…

Here Today...

In which a mystery of long standing is solved, mewling writers and chirping critics battle for the last laugh, and one storyteller discovers that there are worse fates for satire and its practitioners than closing on Saturday night...

Here Today...
by (AJ) Eric

Squires-26

Jess Stone had breasts. He had been like this his entire teen life not quite fitting in anywhere that he had lived and at the same time he hadn’t really had the chance to. His folks moved around a lot with his dad being a hydrological engineer but they were slightly afraid of what might happen to Jess if he attended school. Some people just didn’t get it or wanted too. Jess was now attending a new school when he decided to change things...

Only it was everyone else that was getting changed!

Squires
Chapter 26
by Bailey Summers

Copyright © 2012 Bailey Summers
All rights reserved.

Sweet Dreams-54 “It’s only a flesh wound.”

Sweet Dreams-54 “It’s only a flesh wound.”

Chapter 54

*Before…

Ooooh ick.

I know surgery is gross and after surgery is gross but there’s red and there stains and there’s swelling and stitches and stuff. They’re checking all of that and the redress everything and I can’t help it as much as I’m grossed out and embarrassed I’m fascinated too.

It’s gone…like completely gone and everything else too.

It’s a lot to process right now but at the same time past the sort of shock to all of it is this little feeling of yay?

Of yes…finally.

*And Now…

Masks Chapter 14

Masks Chapter 14

*Before…

“Mom…this…this is really cool.”

“Well there were some things that if you were going to do this Steph that a girl just needs.”

I nod kind of still stunned and right on the edge of happy tears but I’m trying to hold it in because I’m only playing at being me right now and stuff.

I want to tell them…but with stuff that happened already tonight with my brothers…but this, this is actually pretty cool.

Mom hugs me anyways. “Hey…there are clothes too, to get you started.”

“What clothes where!”

*And Now…

My Super Secret Life...Scarlet-15.

My Super Secret Life…Scarlet-15.

Chapter 15

I take a few sips of my water and I check myself out in the mirror and try to ignore the looks for the other girls there. Honestly I’m sort of glad for the Scarlet super-heroine thing, I’m actually very comfortable in the leotard I’m wearing even though I’m still getting uses to the skirt they have us wearing with it and the legwarmers.

“Next!” The stage manager yells. “Thirty seven!”

Oops that’s me.

I go out on the stage and it’s bright they’re shining the house lights down on us and I can’t see the people in charge. I hear another voice. “Okay start!”

“Uhm…high I’m doing…” I get cut off by some woman out in the seats.

“We’ll figure it out, just start!”

Vanilla Sky...Part 7.

Vanilla Sky…Part7.

There’s almost ten of us actually and we’re laughing and chatting and headed into the coffee place.

They all know…they all know and they don’t care and it just really doesn’t seem to matter.

Okay…coffee and sugar and some more shopping.

And we walk into the place and I slow down and stop almost as I see other kids there and not just other kids but there’s boys there.

And they’re looking up at us all as we’re coming in.

Eeep…shit do I look alright?

Antifreeze...Part 7.

lights06.gif

Antifreeze…Part 7.

It’s the sound of the sizzle that wakes me up and the chatter of little voices and hearing Grams and Grammy being said from the kitchen. I open an eye to see Stacy looking at me still under the covers. I think she was watching me while I was sleeping.

“Yhgnn…Morning sis.” I yawn and oh…I’m feeling all of yesterday adding up on me still and the very unused to feeling of crashing in a pile on the floor.

“Morning….you look just so amazing when you sleep Shayne.”

Huh?

“Huh? I need coffee you want to try that again?”

Why Katy Perry should date me

Now that singer Katy Perry is single, here are three reasons why she should date me:

1: Unlike her ex, I would have NO problem with the fact she's more famous than I am.

2: Her parents are trying to set her up with Tim Tebow. Well, unlike him, I'm not given to dropping to my knees in prayer in public. I'm a Christian, but I think that might get annoying for anyone around him after a while...

3: Since I'm trans, we could make her song "I kissed a girl" come to life, and what could be cooler than that?

So come on, Katy. Date me!

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OMG, the Beach Boys are opening a Resturant-Good Vibrations

http://www.delish.com/food/recalls-reviews/beach-boys-to-ope...

The article seems uncertain about the nature of the food to be served, though concentrated more on the cutsey titles of songs for the dishes. I thought that given the association with the Beach Boys, all the desert around Vegas, that they would surely sell the Sand-Which-is there! And with the name of the resturant, they could do a good sideline in sex toys -- Good Vibrations ought to sell a lot of those, especially if monogramed!! LOL

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My Super Secret Life-12.

My Super Secret Life-12.

Chapter-12.

I’m still kind of cursing myself out as I driving my car. I feel like a grade A spaz with the stuff I handled or tried to handle with Shane. I mean nothing has been like this since I was this gawky eleven year old flat chest little girl with braces trying and failing to be cool around the hot guys at the beach or at school.

I mean C’mon!

I’m tall, long legs, great body and I’ve been one of the hottest girls in my school for years. Okay the valley stuff aside I was even cool back then.

Don't Blame Me I'm A Martian-11

Don’t Blame Me I’m A Martian-11

Chapter 11

I’m standing there stunned at the sudden rush of the girls laughing and squeeing and running all over the place. Hillary’s laughing a bit too. But she’s pointing at various girls and shouting out orders.

“Bring all your clothes even the good stuff and the stuff that you’re not using that might fit Dylan!”

“Hill.”

“You three get all the different make-up stuff we have and bathroom stuff!”

“Hill.”

“You two junk food!”

“Hiillll.”

“You two Movies!”

“Yo, Earth to Hill.”

“Deidre, mud masks and cucumbers!”

“Hillary!”

Product Placement (image)

Seen on Richard Wiseman's blog. If you have had a sense of humour bypass or hate carefully arranged images with a passion, don't read any further.

For those of you remaining, this might tickle the cyclists among you. The photographer was presumably commissioned to produce a photograph featuring a (fully clothed!) couple posing in front of a bicycle.

Then the photographer got inspired - while the models were probably completely unaware of the rather 'interesting' framing...

http://richardwiseman.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/a-tad-rude/

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Arooo....2

Arooo….2

Chapter 2

I’m so not used to this; it’s so unreal running on all fours in wolf state and having part of my conscious mind trying to process that. Then there’s the smells too and then there’s the fact that well…I’m a wolf running through the streets of London.

I love the speed that I can go though and I have the advantage of being able to run through and around things that are slowing the Vicar and his three biker goons down. Honestly the traffic in this city is the shits.

And the place smells funny.

My Super Secret Life-11.

My Super Secret Life-11

Chapter 11

I have a headache.

And the worst taste in my mouth in a long time. It’s like sweat mixed with lots of copper. I look over to the others and I’m watching Kai or Shane being led over the ambulance too.
She really kicked butt today. I’d have liked to have helped her out more but I got stun blaster by a Barbie-girl.
No I’m not joking.
We were shopping and there was an armed robbery at this ladies shopping store by seven girls dressed up as Barbie.
Like the dolls, the toys and the videos.
All talking in “Vale” and all of them with those synth-skin movie masks to look like Barbie…and voice disguisers to sound like Barbie…

Okay, so it might have hit a sore spot with me about the whole Barbie ditz old me thing.

You’re able to dress up in armor cloth, afford these custom disguises and grenades and stun blasters…..and becoming seven Barbie clones is what you come up with?!?

Fucking Barbie?....barf, retch…

My Super Secret Life-10.

My Super Secret life -10

Chapter 10

*Shane/Kai-Lin………..

It’s so strange…I’m getting into this little red sports car having the door opened for me to go shopping of all things by this drop dead gorgeous blonde with these incredibly blue eyes and this warm sexy killer smile.

And I’m just a bit taller than her boobs.

The Reluctant Quarterback

The reluctant quarterback
by Maeryn Lamonte

Melanie Ezell's big closet ultimate writer's challenge Team player and Mystery Science Closet

Any similarity between characters in this story and people, either living or dead, is purely coincidental. Honest. Also apologies to anyone who actually understands what American Football is really about. I have to confess it's all a bit strange and I may have got things wrong here and there.

Thanks to those of you who commented on my terminology and content. I've made the easy changes (word swapping), the rest will take a bit longer.

Mel — now Melanie — Baron is transitioning, in fact her family just moved to to a small town so she could do so in peace. Only her father is the coach for the football team, and none of the try outs can throw a ball as far or as accurately as Mel. If they're going to have any chance at all in the State League, Mel is going to have to step up.

Brownie Magic

Evanescence 18

Evanescence 18

*Jill….

I fell asleep in the back of the escalade and woke when the Fire department’s red flashers showed through my eyelids. I hurt all over but I hurt inside too. Heaven…Molly…but Molly’s voice was coming out of Raine?

I think it was her.
I’m sure it was her.

So did Raine channel her? Was it necromancy? I’m not sure if it was, not with the release of all those souls or spirits. So did Molly come to me through Raine to save me?

“Oh God.….”

Magnetic Personality - 3

Magnetic Personality-
Part Three

by:
Moongoddess


Sarah opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Heather from the doorway, “Well good for you two but I can see we are going to need a pr team on you,” she sounded annoyed, “Ms. Hallowell, I think you and the government will have to work closely together on Ms. Dane’s file from now on... you should get a team together.”

Don't Blame Me I'm A Martian-6

Don’t Blame Me I’m a Martian-6

Chapter 6

Okay she might look different somehow but yeah, that was just completely Amy.

“Uhm Yeah…It’s kind of a long story. Are you okay?”

She blinks still staring at my chest. “Yeah…I’m good…” She’s still staring.

“Uhm…Amy, I’m up here.” I can’t believe I actually had to say that.

She yanks her head up and looks at me and gives me this sheepish grin and moves some of her hair out of her face. “Whoa, sorry Dylan, their nice?”

Encrypted-5

Encrypted-5

Chapter 5

I am so not used to this. Me, strange, never fitting in, not even in my own skin or even my own life here in the parking lot leaning into the embrace of Brandy in the early morning sunshine kissing with her and pressing into her breasts while her hands are circled around me caressing my back, fingering playfully with my bra strap making me hyper-aware of wearing it and how it feels and holds me in giving me this sense of rightness and security.

A Visit to Canada

A Visit to Canada

I bring to you a transcription of my conversation with a visitor to my country:

Alien Visitor (AV): Greetings!

Me: Welcome to Canada. You’ve arrived at an exciting time. We’re having a federal election.

AV: Ah, yes. I’ve heard of these. You’re picking your head of state.

Me: Nope.

AV: No?

Me: No. Would you like to know who our head of state is?

AV: Lay it on me, sister.

Me: The queen of England.

AV: Are you pulling my leg?

Me: Honest.

AV: How does that work?

Don't Blame Me I'm A Martian-2

Don’t Blame Me I’m a Martian-2

Chapter-2

At first it’s dark and then there’s this swirl of things flashing around me in the way they catch you up on TV for a show by showing you stuff from all the shows before. Then it hits me. As my show starts up.

I’m adopted?

I’m growing boobs…?

I wake up in bed with this guy in my bed, he kind of looks like Hayden Christenson? The dude who played Anakin Skywalker…He leans over and kisses me. What the fucking hell! I’m getting kissed by a guy! I try to push him off and a giggle escapes my lips.

…A giggle?

The Lucky One (Part 4)

The Lucky One, Part 4

(Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, and all beings in between, this is the conclusion of the exciting origin of the Fantastic Fluke, “the luckiest person alive.” Without further ado, let's join today's adventure, already in progress....)

It was a dark and stormy night....

(Umm, Fluke? Dot here. Just what are you doing?)

(I got bored waiting for you, so I thought I would get started without you)

(Fluke, leave the writing to professionals, okay?)

(Fine. Should we catch every body up)

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