Janet

"Harry, how long have we been married?"

"Is this a trick question? I didn't forget our anniversary, did I?"

"And when is our anniversary?"

"I knew it. It was a trick question."

"If I was interested in tricks I'd get a dog, darling."

"Or a lady of the night."

"Harry!"

"I can state with some certainty that we have been married for twenty-four years and a few months and our anniversary is commemorated on November 7 of each calendar year."

"And you did that without consulting the calendar in your smartphone. I'm impressed."

"I assume you have a followup question."

"You know me so well. In those twenty-four years and some months I think I have gotten to know you rather well."

"That wasn't in the form of a question."

"We're not on Jeopardy, although you might soon be in jeopardy if you don't behave."

"Then that was a preface to your question?"

"Correct. The question is: what the hell are you up to that has you running around with that shit-eating grin?"

"Me? Innocent little me?"

"Bullshit, Harry. You've been spending entirely too much time with my father."

"I want to feel closer to your family?"

"Yeah, after twenty odd years and some very odd months you suddenly get the urge for familial closeness just before the wedding. Sure, I buy that."

"I'll give it to you for free, my love."

"And worth every penny. Now what's going on?"

"Well, I'm feeling left out."

"Left out? As the father of one of the brides all you have to do is write the check and keep your mouth shut. Once you've done that you get to walk her down the aisle and let her go."

"I know that part, I'm feeling left out because everybody in this shindig is wearing a costume but me."

"Oh Lord - I shudder to think of what you and Dad have come up with."

"Actually, I was thinking maybe Treebeard."

"Harry!"

"I'm just trying to branch out."

"Listen, Richard is the one with a stick up his ass, we don't want sticks poking out of your fingers and toes."

"Then you'll be glad to know we decided I should be Tom Bombadil."

"Harry, aren't you forgetting something?"

"My memory isn't that bad yet. What do you think I'm forgetting?"

"Old Tom had a beard that would put Gandalf to shame. A brown beard. You can't even raise a decent goatee much less a fuzzy bush - something that our son seems to be profoundly grateful for.

"Details, details! The costume shop has fake beards, too."

"Have you thought this through? Summertime… hot weather… fuzzy beard… Pilgrim hat… tall leather boots? You'll roast."

"You're just stuck in reality - that's no fair!"

"And I suppose that would leave me to be Goldberry?"

"You do have the long yellow hair and I think you're as young and as ancient as spring."

"I also have my dress already and am not going to change at this late date. You can't be serious."

"Aren't you glad I'm not?"

"I spring about with joy in my step and a song in my heart."

"Sure you don't want to be Goldberry? That sounds just like her."

"Not a chance!"

"Well, if I ask Mary for some help maybe I can be Goldberry."

"You're really into this fantasy thing, aren't you?"

"When opportunity knocks a wise man answers."

"And how would that affect you? You don't have any knockers."

"I could always choose another fantasy. Game of Thrones - Winter is Coming! That would take care of the summer heat."

"No way - too many naked women in that one for my taste. Poor Mary wouldn't stand a chance."

"Yeah, and just about everybody gets killed sooner or later. Not a good omen for a wedding, especially that Red Wedding stuff."

"Couldn't you just wear a suit?"

"I'd hate to bear any resemblance to Richard. You know damn well he's going to wear one even if everybody else there is in T-shirts and shorts."

"Poor man! I wonder what he'll do when he sees Anna's dress."

"Oh?"

"Arwen would be right at home wearing it. Red challis, lots of lace and a neckline that will make even Martha jealous."

"And you're trying to tell me I'm going too far! She's wearing a dress made of compressed mud?"

"C-H-A-L-L-I-S, Harry, not S-H-A-L-E. Derived from the Anglo-Indian shallee, which means 'soft.' You haven't shown any interest in what I'm going to be wearing."

"That's easy for you to say. Do I get a veto like you did my choice?"

"Not a chance. Since Martha and Mary are wearing pretty much the same dress we mothers decided we should match, too. Anna's in red and I'm in blue."

"And I'm green with envy."

"It's still not too late for you to wear a dress, too."

"Is there some sort of conspiracy to get all the guys into skirts for this wedding?"

"Would a tunic count as a skirt in your mind?"

"Ask Robin Hood - or better Mel Brooks. Men in skirts is only a step away from men in tights."

"As in what Tom Bombadil wears. Can the costume shop come up with the outfit soon enough?"

"Your father should be giving me a call any time now."

"Harry!"

Ralph

"Are you serious, Mom? We're going to do what?"

"Anna has been feeling a bit left out of the whole wedding madness, so she's offered her place for all the women to get dressed."

"All the women?"

"Including those that think they're women for the purposes of walking down the aisle."

"And what will she do with Uncle Richard while this is going on?"

"Really, what can we do with my brother?"

"Are you asking for suggestions?"

"No! Thankfully, the menfolk have agreed to entertain Richard here while we don our gay apparel at Anna's place."

"Careful Mom! Such things can be misinterpreted under the circumstances."

"That would be lesbian, not gay. Get your terminology straight."

"Straight, gay, lesbian. This is getting confusing."

"Remember just who decided to walk down the aisle in a dress before you talk about confusion."

"Maybe I should have listened to myself when I told you about how making fantasies come true mostly doesn't work out."

"At least you aren't pulling another fast one on Ruth's parents this time."

"Speaking of Ruth's mother, I understand it's traditional for all the women in the wedding to help each other get dressed. As in taking off their clothes in the same room?"

"That is traditional."

"Uh, Mom - do you see any problems when that happens with me in the room?"

"Ruth's seen you and so have I. Do you realize that Anna and Cecilia are a mite curious about how you create your illusions?"

"There's an old saying: Curiosity killed the cat. I'm too young to die!"

"There will be no cattiness among friends."

"That's a relief. Just what I've been hoping to do - see my aunt and my mother-in-law in their underwear. Or worse - without their underwear!"

"Just be glad your uncle isn't aware - of what will be happening."

"But are Aunt Anna and Ruth's mother aware of what will be happening?"

"Are you afraid you'll be turned on by a middle aged woman in her underwear."

"My brain hurts! My poor, naive aunt may have a surprise coming."

"She is a fine looking woman, I suppose."

"As is her sister-in-law. This is getting truly weird! But what about Ruth's mom?"

"How long has Cecelia known who Mary really was?"

"Uh, since I proposed to Ruth…"

"And you're still standing and all your normal appendages remain attached?"

"Last time I checked."

"Which means, Cecelia understands Mary has one more appendage than is normally issued to a woman."

"I haven't asked her, if that's what you want to know."

"But she's had almost four years to get used to the idea, correct."

"Correct."

"I don't think you realize how taken she is with Mary. She tells me that you're a remarkable woman."

"That's one way to put it!"

"We've done a lot of talking lately, I rather like her. As long as we stay away from politics and religion we truly enjoy each other. In fact, she's the one who suggested all us ladies get together so we can get to know each other. And yes, she considers Mary a lady."

"You've talked to Ruth?"

"She just gets this big, shit-eating grin on her face when she thinks about it."

"You should have seen her the first time I did the cleavage thing after I got the new falsies. She about laughed herself to death."

"Aren't you glad I was able to control myself at the fitting?"

"And I thank you for that. I think I've found a way to do it without becoming a mummy under my bra. Please tell me that the rest of you will be wearing your lingerie before we get to Aunt Anna's. Whatever else happens, I'm not sure I want to see my mother with it all hanging out."

"Just so long as you put on your gaff thingy beforehand. You don't want us to see you letting it all hang out!"

"Alright Mom, if that's the way you want it that's the way we'll do it. Just take my hand and guide me around if I have to keep my eyes closed for a while."

Ennis Zentz (Artur's father)

"You've been awfully quiet so far, Richard."

"I suppose I have."

"For someone who's about to have his daughter married it seems a little off."

"Isn't this whole farce more than a little off?"

"Well, it does have its unusual aspects."

"Unusual? The whole lot of them have gone crazy with some insane fantasy! My own father thinks he's a minister and wizard, my nephew is prancing around in a dress, my daughter is ignoring me and my wife is telling me to shut up and stop being an ass."

"And my son is wearing blue robes with stars on them and marrying into your family. I hesitate to imagine what their children will be like when they get around to it."

"Ennis, how did we let this happen?"

"I don't think anyone put either of us in charge. You raise 'em the best you can and then let them live their own lives."

"But…"

"But me no buts, Richard. We have a long tradition of non-traditional weddings in our family. Trini's umpty-great-grandmother was a mail order bride for a prospector in the California gold rush. Her grandmother was Spanish and married an Englishman. My Irish grandfather brought home a Japanese woman from WWII. Trini and I eloped and were married by a renegade Catholic priest. Artur is happily continuing the family tradition from where I see it."

"I don't know, Ennis. You have a fine son and we're pleased to have him in the family, but I just can't be comfortable with how everyone is treating the sacrament of marriage."

"Ah, so there's where the trouble lies. I realize you're a religious man, Richard, and I know it can be hard to accept the beliefs of others. I was raised a Catholic, and a Catholic I will remain until my dying day even if I lost my faith years ago. I still find myself reaching in my pocket for a rosary in times of stress even though I haven't owned one since I was a boy. For that matter, my mother's first question when Artur told her about Martha was 'Is she a good Catholic girl?' Religion has a profound influence over us."

"And Martha outright refused to let Reverend Stroud perform the ceremony. I know my father is legally a 'minister' but all he did was write a check to some phony church and he was 'ordained.' It's just not right!"

"Richard, I'm an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church myself, although I never performed a ceremony for anyone. I did it as a joke in college, but as a lawyer I can tell you that I am legally - if not theologically - ordained. I know that neither Martha or Artur shares your faith, so all we can do as parents is support our children and let them know we love them. Be happy for them, Richard, don't let your doubts ruin their happiness. Believe me, they know you don't approve of marriage outside your faith, but it's your faith and not theirs."

"I'll try, Ennis, but I feel like I'm abandoning the Lord if I don't try to do something."

"I think we've both missing something in this discussion, Richard."

"What could we be missing?"

"Love, my friend. Love. Our children are in love with each other. For me and Trini that counts more than anything else. Martha and Artur are head-over-heels in love with each other. They've been together for four years now, there's no doubt of that love."

"Four years of living in sin!"

"Richard, there is no sin involved. None whatsoever. Martha and Artur do not believe as you do. There is no sin in their eyes, nor can you assign sin under your beliefs to anyone else."

"There is only one God and under his laws what they are doing is a sin. They may ignore it, but they are still sinning under God's laws."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Richard. We will have to agree to disagree, I can no more accept your religion than you can accept mine. I only ask you do not try to destroy the happiness of our children because you disagree with their beliefs. Let their love be the thing that shines forth, becomes the first priority for all of us. I do believe that even Jesus commanded that his followers live by love."

"You're twisting his words."

"I would have thought they were pretty clear. 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.' Not much to twist in that one. Not only do they love each other, but they are in love with Ralph and Ruth in their own way as well. I can't think of a finer way to show their love than by committing themselves to each other before their friends and family.

"Just think about it, Richard. We're going to be family together for many years to come, let's start out with love and build our lives from there. We'll all live happier lives that way, and our children's happiness depends on it."

Grandpa Ron

"OK, listen up, people. We only have an hour before we have to be out of here when the people who have paid to rent this place arrive, so let's get this show on the road."

We were at the Roundhouse, site of the wedding, to try and figure out who would be where and when. Not too bad at a normal wedding, but with two couples, some creative costuming and a glowering father-of-the-bride it was going to be a bit tricky keeping things from descending into chaos.

"This will be theatre in the round, so it gets tricky. As you can see, there are four entrances, so each of our principals, along with their maids or men, will be waiting at their own entrance. The DJ will be playing some musical mush to keep people from fleeing in terror until everything is ready. Then Little David will play on his harp to start the show off."

"Not the harp, grandpa - the sax."

"Details, details! You can be the pied piper for all I care, just get their attention. The live band takes over from the DJ while we proceed down the aisles."

"Got it covered, gramps."

"Now usually the supporting cast walks down the aisle with that silly hesitation step, but we need to just plain walk nice and easy to keep things moving with all the people involved in a double wedding. Besides, I understand Richard has a problem with prancing Nancyboys, so that might keep him happy."

That got a laugh, as intended. Well, all except for Richard, to no one's surprise.

"We'll rotate clockwise and when the one before you gets halfway down to the center the next one starts out. We do that until we run out of bridesmaids and/or groomsmen, at which time Artur starts down the aisle. David tells me that they have selected a theme for each of the principals, so each one gets to listen to their theme until it's finished."

"Little brother," announced Mary, "If you play Lola again you're dead meat."

"Relax, big sister," he responded, "we'll play it straight."

"You'd better," I continued. "David, you'll be last and go down the aisle, blowing your own horn so to speak. Make sure you have your instrument stand up here so you have a place to put it during the ceremony."

"Since we've cocked up the whole bride-groom thing, Martha and Artur's attendants will form a line on my right, Ruth and Mary's attendants match them on my left. When David gets down here the band plays Martha's theme and Richard, you escort her to the scene of the crime. We continue until all three brides are given away, leaving poor Artur to make the journey solo."

"One change here, grandpa," spoke up Artur. "Since you talked me into wearing that silly dress, I get to have my Mom and Dad give me away."

"I'm sure they've wanted to many times in the past."

"You've got that right, Ron," responded Artur's mother.

"I gave mine away but she didn't take the hint and I ended up with a passel of grandkids. Let that be a lesson to you kids getting married."

"Dad, you're an old fraud!" called out Janet. Richard just glowered. Sometimes I wish I could have given him away. I just hoped he wouldn't queer the wedding; my grandchildren deserve better.

"I am not old, daughter."

"But you are a fraud."

"A card-carrying charter member of the union. We only have half an hour left, so let's get crackin'. We go down the line reciting your pledge to your partner and the brides shuffle their rings. Then I go down the line and do the 'repeat after me' bit, you repeat and I pronounce you married, avoiding the use of 'man and wife' like the plague."

"Richard, be quiet!" Anna wasn't quiet in response to Richard's muttering.

"David picks up his sax and plays you out, Galadriel here flings her rose petals down the path and the happy couples follow her to start the reception line as the supporting cast exits behind them and you're married. Now, places everyone! The band is playing and a-one and a-two and a…

Anna

"Richard, be quiet! I think the rehearsal went off just fine."

"Wizards! My father thinks he's a wizard and you think that's fine?"

"At least he isn't trying to be a troll like his son. Richard, the world will not change to make you feel comfortable in your little walled-off corner. People have fun in the real world, they actually enjoy themselves and don't always do it the way it was always done just because they're afraid of change."

"Getting married is serious, it's a sacrament. My crazy father is treating it like a circus. This phony church that ordained him just isn't real!"

"Welcome to America, Richard, where we don't tell you what kind of religion is real or not. It's just as real as the Methodists or the Catholics or the Sikhs what-have-you. When he says they're married, they're married!"

"So it's technically legal, but it isn't right!"

"It's our daughter's choice, she gets to have the ceremony she wants. I think it's very sweet she's sharing the ceremony with Ralph, they've always been so close."

"And Ralph is wearing a dress! Anna, we'll be the laughingstock of the community."

"That's what's really bothering you, isn't it Richard? You think that Martha and Ralph's choices will reflect badly on you. I have news for you, husband. Martha is an adult woman and gets to make her own choices, just like you get to make your own. What she believes and chooses does not make you any wiser or any more foolish.

"I said it before and I'm saying it again: things are going to change and I expect you to be there with me for marriage counseling. This can't go on."

"We don't need any head-shrinker telling us how to be married. The Bible tells…"

"No it doesn't Richard. I've been your wife for a long time and listened to you and the pastor for many years. I have come to wonder just how those patriarchal old men can be so damn sure I'm no more than an appendage to your masculinity. I love you but I'm a person in my own right and I will make my own decisions."

"Anna!"

"Don't 'Anna me, Richard. I’m keeping count and that's at least three times recently. This wedding has brought our problems to the front and I am not going to sweep them under the rug any longer. If you screw up our daughter's wedding I will never forgive you. The only tradition you will respect is that the bride's parents pay for the shindig, after that the bride and groom make their own choices."

"What's happened to you, Anna? How can you…"

"I've stopped being a rug to be walked on. I'm not about to burn my bra and scream about being a liberated woman like some of Linda's friends, but I have started to start think for myself. Get used to it, Richard."

Janet

"Harry, you have got to be kidding!"

"If I am I don't get the joke."

"Look at this… this… obscenity!"

"Paper plates, napkins streamers, balloons - all in nice, bright primary colors. If they had the Hustler girl of the month on them I might think they were obscene, but I don't get it."

"Harry, I clearly told the caterer we wanted pastels. The woman must have lost her mind! How could you have accepted this trash from her?"

"Easily. She handed me a paper and I signed it."

"But you knew we were using pastels."

"Janet, I'm but a poor, benighted male. I am genetically unable to differentiate between any but the primary colors."

"Nonsense! If you could correctly call my brother's bald spot carnelian then you can tell the difference between red and pink!"

"Hoist on me own petard!"

What the devil is a petard got to do with this obscenity."

"Neglecting that I used a common cliche, a petard is a small bomb from sixteenth century France. If you are a screwup, you get hoist on your own petard, usually in several unpleasant chunks."

"You're perfectly right! I need one of those petards for the damn caterer. [In a much louder voice] Mary! Get down here! Now!"

"Once again, my dear spouse, you're doomed to disappointment. I fear that Ralph is in residence at the present time."

"Keep it up with the sarcasm, buster, and you'll need a new residence."

"Son, I fear your mother is becoming unhinged as the wedding approaches. I shall beat a hasty retreat and leave you to continue with the grand strategy for the affair."

"Out!"

"Good luck, son. I'm gone!"

"Hey Mom, isn't it the bride that's supposed to be nervous before the wedding? You trying to swipe my job?"

"I'll swipe you, you crossdressing… I'm calm. Tell me I'm going to be calm and relaxed, will you?"

"Of course. You're going to be calm and relaxed. Deep breaths, Sweet fresh air in, bad thoughts out with the wind."

"Look in the boxes, Ralph."

"Mmmm… Tell me you aren't planning a circus instead of a wedding. Please!"

"I am working on being calm. I will not think of the colorblind idiot who is catering your wedding."

"Mmmm. I have a friend at school who attends costume parties as the Colorblind Wizard. Wonderful robes of green, orange and violet checks about three inches across and one of those flashy LED things you get on the fourth of July. Since he would fit right in with the wedding theme we could invite him and he could just zap all this stuff and make it pastels."

"I'm calling Anna. We'll go shopping right now to get the right supplies and then at the wedding we will shove all this stuff up her… uh, into her van and return it."

"Sounds more practical than my idea. Should I come along?"

"Why not? You're the bride, after all."

"I shall go incognito, as I don't think you have the patience for me to go as Mary."

"Another wise choice on the part of the bride. Lets go!"

Ruth

"Whew! That was quite a workout!"

"Better than paying for a gym membership."

"Your aunt really has an eye for decorating, the roundhouse is positively festive now."

"Our family has a touch with that sort of thing."

"I know. I've been to your aunt's place before."

"And will be again, very soon. You take a shower first while I lay out the clothes."

"Good idea. Kym was a big help this morning. She was absolutely fearless climbing up to stick on the streamers."

"My brother seems to have picked a good one. I wouldn't be surprised to be attending another wedding next year."

"Neither would I. I've really enjoyed singing with her and the girls. I think we're going to wow them at the reception."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Direct from Vegas for your listening pleasure… Ruth and the Bridesmaids!"

"Vegas is where you go for a divorce, let's be careful here. Besides, Kym is the one who deserves top billing. That girl can sing!"

"And my brother can really blow his own horn. Get in the shower or we'll be late."

 

"I hope you've been using moisturizer where you had all that tape. You still look a little irritated."

"I still have a 55 gallon drum in the garage. Need some?"

"Remember? I'm the little woman in this pair. I don't need industrial quantities of moisturizer to keep me glowing and beautiful."

"I'm glad we found those sticky cup things."

"You just want to show more tit than I can. Not hard as you have twice the acreage on your chest than I have."

"Yeah, just like a man - always have to go the competition one better."

"You're out of my weight class, darling, and don't even think of competing with your cousin. It would be embarrassing."

"Not a chance of winning that one!"

"So get started. In a few hours you'll be a married woman."

"And in a few minutes I will no longer have to be a mummy to look like a woman."

"You're confused again. Traditionally motherhood comes after the wedding, and that's my job anyway."

"And even though I will look like I have real tits they won't fool a baby."

"Guess they don't make maternity forms to go with maternity bras."

"Now there's an idea! Heated falsies with a temperature controlled compartment for formula so that Daddy can learn what Mommy goes through with the little tyke. Throw in a Bluetooth computer and you can record how much the sweet thing is eating at each meal on your smartphone. Think we could sell them on Amazon?"

"Amazons wouldn't need them, they come naturally equipped."

"There's always E-bay."

"Just stick the damn things on, already! You tried them out and they worked as well as wrapping yourself up like a mummy."

"Give me a minute to let the glue set."

"I wonder if real mummies used Elmer's glue on their bandages?"

"I don't think Elmer was around when the mummies were getting dressed."

"Well, we could always ask that guy who donated his body to be mummified."

"I don't think he's talking. Why are we talking about dead bodies while we're getting ready to be married?"

"Because I don't want to think about being in the same room with my mother, your mother and my aunt while we get dressed together."

"I think you're stuck. Your sticky things, that is - not being part of the ladies dress up club. Let me hook you together, then you can put on your bra."

"Do you have to put yours on?"

"Only if you don't want me falling out of my dress before I get to say 'I do'."

"How about 'let's do it!'?"

"After the ceremony, you busty babe."

"Think they'll hold long enough to dance with me at the reception?"

"Tell you what - let's test them before we go. If they don't let loose then we can shake and shimmy to the delight of our families."

"Don't press your luck, darling."

Anna

"Are you ready, Martha?"

"I hope so, Mom. You're sure Daddy won't come home early?"

"Your uncle and your soon-to be father-in-law have promised to keep him busy."

"Ruth's dad is in on the conspiracy?"

"I wouldn't go that far, but I think Ernesto is resigned to your cousin Mary. And Artur's father had a long talk with your father. I think we can put Richard into the 'resigned' category, too."

"And what about you, Mom. Ralph and I have been undressing around each other for ages, Are you going to be able to think of him as Mary when we're all undressing together?"

"I'm going to try, if only to be able to tell your father exactly what happened - after the fact!"

"You wouldn't!"

"Let's put it this way - it's a good thing you'll be off on your honeymoon so you won't hear him whimpering and whining tonight. For all he's pretty good in bed he still has a hard time talking about sex."

"TMI Mom!"

"Your Dad's feelings, exactly!"

"I talked to Wendy and she's still kind of grossed out. Too bad I couldn't have come up with a bonnet with blinders on it so she wouldn't have to look at Mary in the raw."

"I have to admit I wonder how she does it."

"I have to wonder why she does it. Taping herself up like that so she can show some cleavage looks pretty painful."

"Janet was telling me they got something new that does the job without a lot of tape."

"Now you have me interested. I haven't talked to Mary recently."

"I hear the doorbell, go call your sister."

 

"OK ladies, Martha picked up all the gowns and accessories and they're hanging on the rack over there. So let's get all start feeling the elephant in the room and see what you think of it. We all know who Mary is, so if you have doubts about changing with her in the room just let 'em out so we can thrash it to ribbons."

"I can tell you from personal experience it won't be all that exciting when she takes off her dress," offered Ruth.

"If she isn't all that exciting why are you getting married?" Wendy asked.

"Shall we say she has hidden qualities that attract me?"

"I certainly hope so!"

"What? The qualities or that they're going to stay hidden?"

"Both!" offered Cecelia. "I've seen her in her nightgown and I never guessed."

"If my Mom didn't get grossed out then you ladies should be perfectly safe."

"I didn't say I wasn't grossed out, Ruthie. I just never guessed."

"Your daughter was very persuasive when she invited me to your home."

"Now that I can believe!"

"Martha and Mary have spent a whole lot of time playing dress-up," Janet said. "They've never been less than ladies."

"Rather more than a lady, what?"

"Like I said, I enjoy her hidden qualities," smirked Ruth.

"I'll bet," frowned Cecelia.

"Sex happens, Mom."

"TMI Ruth," groaned Wendy.

"TMI?" asked Cecelia.

"Too Much Information. Everything has initials in the age of texting."

"If Mary's going to get her kicks out of watching a bunch of old women undressing then she's weirder than I thought. C'mon girls, let's get this show on the road."

With that she started to unbutton her blouse and we all followed suit. We might have been a bunch of old women, but we could still giggle like girls."

"Don't be afraid to look, ladies," offered Mary. It's all plastic and silicone in just the right places."

"How do you…" Cecelia trailed off in embarrassment.

"I used to have to wrap myself in surgical tape to squeeze myself together, but that was painful after a while. Now I use two of those stick-on bras to pull my pecs together."

"Why two?"

"I'm a big girl and it puts a lot of stress on the clips. Two of them helps keep me from separating."

"I bet they weren't thinking of that with those old 'lift and separate' bra commercials when they designed them!" laughed Linda.

"Huh?" asked Wendy, confused.

"Back when I was a girl," her grandmother answered, "bra makers decided that they could sell more bras if they advertised. The problem was, you couldn't use the word 'breast' on television. It hadn't been all that long since women had one enormous breast that went from one side to the other, like the nurses in the WWII movies.

"Some advertising genius came up with the slogan that their bra would lift and separate, but they didn't come out and say just what was being lifted, let alone separated. Didn't do me much good with my little-girl boobies, but it got Ron watching a lot more TV."

"Now that's mean, Mom. Dad watched your boobs much more closely than the TV!" crowed Janet.

"You were too young to notice."

"Wanna bet? I was watching my own boobs pretty closely around that time and hoping they would get bigger than yours."

"Mary, how did anyone figure out how to do something like that?" asked Wendy.

"You-tube! There are lots of videos that show how step-by-step."

You seem to be a step short yet."

"Right, now I need to insert my chicken fillets."

"Now that's just plain weird! Chicken fillets?"

"My breast forms, otherwise affectionately known as chicken fillets because that's about what they feel like."

"You'd better be very careful around the BBQ at the wedding!"

"You don't cook 'em, but you do use glue, so they won't come loose at the wrong time. They fill the cups nicely. I got the sticky bra at Target but I had to order the forms on-line after my last pair were deflated by a chopstick."

Janet had told me the chopstick story, but it was much funnier when Ruth and Mary told it. We were all laughing together by the time they were finished.

"We had to look pretty hard to find a bra that would hide the forms," said Ruth. "That was probably the hardest part. It had to cover just right."

"At least you don't have to get your bras from Omar the Tentmaker," groaned Martha.

"Lane Bryant works for me," Anna said.

"I have to order from the catalog," Martha replied. "The stores don't stock them that big."

"And I have to drive an hour and a half to get to a big city when I need a bra," complained Cecelia.

"Why don't you just order on-line?"

"We don't have a computer."

"My God!"

"Like I said, we live in a very small town."

"You could always order from the catalog."

"Small town again. The mailman is my cousin Pedro. It just wouldn't feel right having him handling my bras!"

"And here I taught my cousin how to handle a bra," laughed Martha.

"You're not quite hooked up, Janet. Hold still."

"Sit down, Mary. You're too tall for me to get this thing over your head."

"Martha, you need to call Omar. Your adjuster is almost ready to break."

"Damn! Let me run upstairs and get something else."

"Good thing you're here where you have some options."

"I was dithering about which bra I wanted to wear. Now I don't have to decide."

"Did Artur have an opinion?"

"His opinion is that I don't need a bra when he's around."

"I'd be afraid you'd smack him over the head with one of those babies!"

"There are situations…"

"As your sister said - TMI!"

"I'll be back."

"Mom, I love your dress!"

"Thanks, Ruthie. I always thought yellow was my color."

"If I wasn't the bride I'd love to be wearing lavender."

"Mary, would you zip me up?"

"Sure, Auntie. You can return the favor if I can get this thing to hang right."

"Let me help."

"Mom, is it legal if both brides borrow something from each other?"

"Only in Nebraska as far as I know."

"How do I find out?"

"Ask Ennis, will you Trini. He's a lawyer."

"He does corporate law; he avoids marital stuff and mutters things he can't say in court."

"Ooh, those heels look wicked on you, Ruth."

"Helps to get in kissing range when Grandpa does the 'you may kiss the bride' bit."

"Are you talking about me?" asked Martha as she entered wearing her replacement bra. "Think this one will do?"

"Artur will be drooling."

"Just watch out for his magic wand."

"I'll keep a close eye on it."

"Do you think Artur would be embarrassed if Martha picked him up for the kiss?"

"Some stairs would help, too bad the place is flat."

"Have you been working out, my little boy is a solid chunk."

"We've been practicing the kissing part. I have other ways of getting a workout without bench pressing him."

"I just bet you can't wait to be pressing something besides a bench."

"We've been working on that part, too."

"You won't have anything left to do on the honeymoon."

"We'll manage to think of something."

"Ruth, let's start on your hair. I'm so glad you let it grow, there's so much more we can do with it now."

"Don't get too crazy, mom."

"Mary, can I do your hair since I'm the only one here without a bride to fuss over?"

"If you can get past my Mom, Mrs Zentz.

"Call me Trini, dear. Just us girls here."

"Thanks, Trini."

"I'll content myself with Terri," offered Janet. "Have at it, Trini."

"Jeez Mom. You make me sound like the consolation prize."

"Hey, I want the boobie prize," grinned Mary. "Just be glad you come by your bra fillers naturally, it's much easier that way."

"I wouldn't go that far, Aunt Janet," moaned Martha.

"You did get a little over-enthusiastic, niece of mine."

"I don't think my son shares that opinion."

"He's mentioned it to me. You should have seen him the first time we went out together."

"The poor guy couldn't make up his mind whether he should be staring at your boobs or mine," Mary laughed.

"Especially since you didn't have any the day before."

"Mary, stop wiggling or you're going to get your hair mangled."

"Trini? Should we try and do something similar for both the girls?"

"Mary's hair is longer but we might come up with something."

"Hey, no fair! I've only been growing mine out for a couple of years," carped Ruth.

"You looked cute with that pixie cut."

"Yeah, but I felt too much like a pixie when I was out on a date with either Ralph or Mary."

"Must run in the family," said Mary.

"What?"

"Mamma Cecelia, the first time I met you I thought you looked like the fairy godmother in Cinderella, all pastel and poofy skirts."

"I guess Artur isn't the only one with a magic wand!"

"I leave that to your father, dear."

"Mother!"

"It's all this liberal company, it's corrupting me."

"I have to say I was surprised you were interested in doing this with me in the room," Mary said.

"I had to think about it, dear. Four years ago I wouldn't have agreed, but even I can see that Mary is just as real as Ralph. Old dogs can learn new tricks."

"What about Dad?" asked Ruth.

"Still in training."

"Obedience school?" quipped Linda. "Maybe you should enroll my son, Anna."

"Some old dogs are slower learners than others."

"Have you talked him out of wearing a three piece suit to the wedding?"

"We have all emphasized it's a casual wedding."

"Thank god that leisure suits are no longer in fashion."

"I've seen that picture of Grandpa Ron wearing one. Nobody can tell me that our fashions are weird after that!" Wendy exclaimed.

"I'll have you know," her grandmother replied, "I made him that leisure suit and it was very fashionable for its day."

"I suppose our children will laugh at the wedding pictures and ask who the guy in the wizard's robes was."

"And I'll tell then that their father was very handsome when I married him," Martha replied.

"Somebody grab me one of those flower rings so I can pin it to Mary's hair, please."

"Grab two, I'm almost ready for Ruth's"

"Such a shame that men get stuck with one lousy flower at these things."

"You'd better count those rings - The wizards get to have them on their pointy hats."

"Was Gandalf a flower child?"

"I don't know, but Ron certainly is."

"How can he be a flower child at his age?"

"He never grew up, naturally. Neither did I," replied Linda smugly.

"Good thing boutonnieres are traditional at weddings or Richard would get all pissy about flowers on a man."

"Hey Mary, think you can aim your bouquet at him when the time comes?"

"Sorry girls, he's all mine - for better or worse as the saying goes," announced Anna.

"I want pictures before the limo gets here."

"Limo? It's a lousy mini-van and David is driving; that is if he got all his band junk out of it and put the seats back in."

"Think he'll wear his chauffeur's outfit again, Martha?"

"As long as he does the loading and unloading he could be wearing a clown suit."

"I'd be very careful about suggesting something like that with the way this wedding is going."

"A Hobbit with a pony cart might be more appropriate."

"We already have a Hobbit. Little Sam is thrilled to be carrying a pillow and walking down the aisle in hairy feet."

"No way!"

"Way! My daughter is getting into the costuming in a big way. Sam's little suit is very cute," answered Trini.

"As long as there is more than one ring on the pillow with no runes inscribed on any of them!"

"Getting nervous?"

"Yeah!"

"Yes!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Sounds like it's unanimous, then."

Beep! Beep!

"Time ladies. The transportation is here."

"We should have hired a magic carpet with all these wizards."

"Believe me - that one won't fly."

Mary

Me nervous? Me?

Yeah, me!

After four years sharing our lives, I was about to make Ruth my wife. Permanently. Till death do us part.

Nervous, yes; but excited and very happy. All we had to do was get through the ceremony and celebrate with family and friends.

Holding Ruth's hand we got out of the van to a scatter of applause. There sure were a lot of people in the Roundhouse. I quickly spotted Dave with his sax, along with his band-mates. He wasn't wearing a dress so I guess Ruth's prediction of what happens in those crossdressing stories had failed to come true. Kym had gotten into the spirit of the thing and looked very elf-like.

Silly thoughts to have, I should be concentrating on getting married.

All the men were stationed in their assigned places as we women walked to greet them. Grandpa Ron was resplendent in his white robes with a polished walnut staff taller than he was. Artur managed to look solemn in his robes, and fortunately had opted not to go with our friend the colorblind wizard and his flashing scepter. I drew a sigh of relief to see Dad in a strangely normal shirt and vest instead of Tom Bombadil's outfit.

Uncle Dick, or rather Uncle Richard - as I was prepared to be magnanimous on my wedding day - had actually forgone the three piece suit, as had all the other men present.

I was almost overwhelmed by the number of people there; even with a double wedding there were a lot of people here to watch the festivities - the place was full.

I even had a moment to spare to see the caterer was looking abashed - Mom must have read her the riot act about primary versus pastels. Even though I had helped to decorate the place only hours earlier, I was impressed at how festive it all was.

Our self-appointed wizard strode to the center of the Roundhouse in a flurry of robes as we all took our places and the DJ faded the music. My little brother and his pals did us proud as they played all the attendants down the aisles. There was Martha's brother Stephen and sister Wendy, my sister Terri, One of Artur's cousins who I hadn't met yet, two of Martha's high school friends and Gail, one of my high school friends that I haven't mentioned before. Funny how you lose track of old friends as life goes on.

Soon it was Artur's turn to start off, but there was a flurry of activity as his father and mother approached him. His father had been behind a pole from my vantage point and I was surprised when he strode forward dressed as a Tolkien dwarf. Fili? Kili? Gloin? With that beard maybe even Thorin himself!

He was decked out in lots of leather and gold - who knows if it were real or fake - hobnail boots, fur trimmed cape (in this weather!) double bitted axe in one hand and a gleaming white staff in the other. He ceremoniously knelt before his son and offered the wizard his staff with a huge smile on his face.

Artur bowed low, accepted his staff and proceeded down the aisle escorted by his glowing parents while the band played one of the themes from the Lord of the Rings films as a sprightly air. I couldn't tell you what the name of the piece was offhand, but it set the tone nicely.

Uncle Dick had a look on his face that was hard to describe - maybe resigned would do it - as the band struck up Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah for Martha's entrance. Aunt Anna was grinning widely as Martha linked arms with her mother and father to make her entrance. I was going to have to ask Dad after this was all over what he would call the shade of Uncle Richard's bald spot.

As per our recently revised plans, the Ring Bearer made his entrance between the happy couples. Artur's nephew Sam was incredibly cute in his hobbit costume, and his feet were in hairy slippers that I think came from Where The Wild Things Are. At least I don't remember hobbits having claws on their feet, but who cares? This time the band played Ring of Fire, not bad considering what Tolkien did with his ring.

Ruth's theme was Esto Es Vida a popular Mexican love song. If you live in the border area you can't help but hear a lot of Mexican music on the radio no matter what your ethnic heritage. Again both parents escorted her down the aisle - none of this old-fashioned sexist giving the bride away stuff for any of us.

Then it was my turn at last. For as long as I could remember I had had wanted to be the bride in a wedding. Even when I was maybe six years old and having tea parties with Martha I could remember talking about how we would have the perfect wedding and be dressed in white with a long train and crinolines under the skirt. We hadn't a clue what a crinoline was, but loved the poofy look to the skirts.

I'm sure my parents spent some time by the door of the bedroom listening to our fantasies and shaking their heads. Even back then I was still having a hard time with this boy-girl stuff that inundated me at school and I still thought I could grow up to be a boy or a girl or whatever it was I wanted. Six-year-olds don't have a firm grasp on logic or biology, but they do have a fine sense of fantasy.

Even as we grew, I still retained that wistful picture of being a bride despite the growing evidence I was destined to be the groom. As luck would have it, I grew bigger vertically and never developed into a football player type. Being blonde and having a very sparse beard was a big help, and with Martha's second-hand training in the arts of femininity I found myself in the here-and-now about to fulfill that dream.

Mom and Dad linked arms with me and we started down the aisle to greet my bride. I had to agree with Dave that Van Morrison's Crazy Love couldn't be more appropriate. With a kiss from my mother and a hug from my dad I stood there next to Ruth and couldn't help but smile.

Dave followed us down the aisle, the band having dropped out as he reprised the chorus of Crazy Love on the solo sax, arriving to take his place among the attendants. We were ready at last!

Ron

So there they are, my grandchildren and the people they are about to marry, standing in front of me with all their friends surrounding them. It must be a strange sight for those who aren't used to our family; two of them a good foot and a half taller then the other two. For that matter, two six foot plus brides. The proverbial man from Mars would certainly assume the two tall ones go together, as do the two short ones. Two different species? Have to have our scientists study that phenomenon!
And here I am, ready to make it official for them. It was forty years or more ago that I sent off a check to some crackpots and got my "ordination" back. Seemed like a lark at the time, but a little while later a good friend asked me to perform the ceremony for him. You could have knocked me over with a feather. It was all a joke on the system, thumbing my nose at the stupidity of the church and the bureaucracy; a fine way to tell them to go and screw themselves. Then it became real.

I took some time to be damn sure the whole thing was legal and sure enough it was. I took some more time to be sure my friend and his intended were sure I should be the one to do the ceremony, and sure enough they did want me to do it. I don't think I have ever been so honored in my life. Until a decade later when another friend found a man to share her life with and asked me to make it official.

This time it was my own grandchildren doing the asking, and they've collaborated with me for one of the most quirky and interesting ceremony that anyone could have come up with. I've got to learn someday not to make jokes about this kind of stuff; when I suggested wizard's robes they loved the idea and ran with it. Well, what can you expect with my genes floating around in their bodies?

I have to admit there's a certain symmetry with me standing here in what could easily be called a dress while my crossdressing grandson is in front of me in his own wedding dress. You don't suppose I have a little bit of his proclivities in my own makeup? Wouldn't be the end of the world if I did, but at my age I've never had any urge to wear a bra.

Makeup? Funny that thought should have floated by. The girl seems to have mastered the art of makeup, she looks damned good. Better than her mother did when she was learning the art. From what I understand from gossiping with Janet, Ruth's mother is pleased that Ruth is using makeup more often. There seems to be a tide of traditional femininity spreading from Mary to inundate everyone around her.

I don't suppose you could call Artur's robes traditionally feminine, but all the principals are wearing dresses. Artur does have a fine, silly smile plastered across his phiz, the boy is going to fit right in with the rest of us crazies. Comes from good stock, too. How can you lose with a father willing to dress up like a dwarf for his son's wedding?

Silly thing to be thinking while everybody does the grand parade to the center of the ring. They all look so happy. Well all but my own son. At least Richard isn't raising a fuss. You get to appreciate these small miracles when you live long enough to see the stupid things people do. Who knows? Maybe the boy will grow up and realize there is more to life than controlling everybody else before I kick off. Now that would be a fine wedding present for his children.

OK, everybody's here - Showtime! Let's do this thing right, grandad. Making good use of this wonderful staff I had been given I grounded it three times, sending echoes from the roof of the roundhouse scattering among the audience.

 

"I welcome you all to this celebration of a ritual as old as mankind has records. I have no doubt that Ugg the caveman and Urg the cavewoman found some way to tell the rest of the people in their tribe that they were an item. Perhaps they didn't even have language yet, but the meaning certainly was clear - we are a couple and we intend to live the rest of our lives together.

"If they were lucky some other tribesman found a pile of fermented fruit and they had a party before they went back to hunting and gathering.

"Over the years they made things a little bit more formal: the soldier jumped over his sword with his lady, a Roman might have shared bread with his spouse, there are even cultures where the bride is effectively kidnapped and locked up in a harem for the rest of her life. These days we have a more romantic view of marriage: love conquers all, till death do us part, love at first sight. Who's to say what is right and what is wrong?

"I have a simple answer to that complex question: the couple involved gets to decide. Sure, there are forms to satisfy, papers to be signed, declarations to be made, but within that framework they get to decide how they are going to express their love.

"Fantastic, you might say. Certainly! Love in its essence partakes much of fantasy. Look around you - this particular ceremony takes much from a particular fantasy written by J.R.R Tolkien. We have wizards, elves, dwarves, Hobbits, three brides and one groom. Is this fantasy any more far-fetched than expecting the couple to spend the next sixty years together in everlasting bliss?

"For you see, fantasy is a necessary part of a successful marriage. Linda and I have managed to be together for over fifty years now, long enough to stand here with two of my grandchildren as they start their own fantasy life with their chosen spouses.

My grandson's fantasy is a little more complex than most; for most of his life he has found the traditional strictures of gender to be a poor fit. 'Boys must not cry, girls must bake cake' is a limitation that he simply wouldn't allow to fence him in. Together with his cousin they have found that sometimes the feminine side takes precedence and Mary comes to the fore, sometimes Ralph takes the lead. Both sides of the personality are real, both sides are true - both sides can coexist within one body.

"This isn't the first time Ralph and Martha have partaken in a wedding ceremony. As I remember they married each other in the sandbox when they were about six years old. Fortunately for Ruth, I wasn't there to make it legal and binding, but the dream of being a bride has been a part of Mary for quite some time. Today we are going to make at least one fantasy become reality.

"Today we will show that love can cross the lines of gender, of ethnicity, of relative height, of prejudice and of convention. 'Love conquers all' is a cliche, but it can happen. In a letter to his son, Tolkien speaks about what happens in a marriage:

" 'When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think that they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only… Hence divorce, to provide the if only.

" 'And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the 'real soul-mate' is the one you are actually married to. In this fallen world, we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will…'

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tolkien was right, and these young people going to prove him right once again. Artur, Martha, Mary, Ruth, before me and your assembled families and friends, I ask you to publicly state your intentions. As you have chosen to share this ceremony with each other, I will ask each of you in turn to do so. Artur?"

Artur "Martha, saying a vow is only words - simply speaking of love, honor or compassion, can be false, but our love will be in our deeds. With the traditions of our families and the new traditions we will make together, I promise in front of all those gathered here to give action to my words. I will love you, honor you, and cherish you above all others for all our life. I cannot say I forsake all others in love, for I love my family. I love our friends. I will love our children. I can say without reservation that I will love you above all others, with a passion and fire that will never be quenched and that will burn brightly for all to see."

Martha "Artur, since the day I found you sitting on my front porch steps I felt something I have never felt before. It took some time to identify that feeling since it was so new to me. From that first tentative date, where we ignored the looks we received from the people who thought simply because we were not the same height we could not have the same towering spirit, I have always looked up to you. I, too, will love you, honor you, and cherish you above all others for all our life. We need not forsake all others in love, for I share your lovely family, friends, and children. I say without reservation that I will love you above all others, with a passion and fire brighter than any wizard could produce with his magic, for my fire will never be quenched and burns brightly for all to see."

Ruth Mary, I grew up a girl in a small town in South Texas. I grew up a geek. I grew up so short that people overlooked me. I grew up with brown skin but no real connection to my ancestors in Mexico. I don't speak Spanish, the Texas schools steadfastly ignored my heritage because the legislature didn't want their poor students to study things that might be controversial. I listened to salsa and mariachi music because that's what was on the radio. In other words, I was a kid isolated from just about everything around me.

"My parents were and are conservative, but my parents did and do love me even if they didn't understand me. The Internet and the computer gave me some idea of the wider world, going to school in a thoroughly diverse place gave me more, but I was still a confused little geeky girl until this incredibly tall, geeky guy I was kinda interested in walked into a concert wearing a dress. Being a geeky girl I had to ask why.

"With you and Martha and Artur that geeky little girl has found herself and her place in the world. Your love and your courage in letting Mary be out in the world inspired me to let my inner self come out in the world beside her. Together we have found how people of different backgrounds can mesh together to become whole. Together we have found the love and companionship that had been missing in my life. Today we face the world together and shout loudly 'This is us! This is who we are and we will travel this life side by side.' I love you Mary, I love you Ralph, and I love you Artur and Martha and all of our family. Thank you, my love, for all you have done and all you will do in the future."

 

At my age I've been to a lot of weddings, heard a lot of people pledge their love in a lot of ways. For the first time in my seventy plus years the audience rose to their feet and applauded a pledge of love so sincere that it demanded acknowledgement. It took a little while for things to settle down again.

"OK, granddaughter. It's your turn and I don't envy you having to follow that."

 

Mary "Envy, Gramps? That's the woman I'm going to marry, and even if I didn't speak another word everyone here now knows why. Like Ruth, I grew up a geek. My problem was I didn't know if I was a geeky girl or a geeky guy. I was pretty gawky as a guy, just like my cousin was gawky as a girl. We found a connection with each other that kept us both sane. As little kids we played together and it didn't matter which one of us wore the dress or which one of us was the leader and which one was the follower.

"As we grew older we began to notice that other boys didn't wear dresses. Other girls didn't become the leader in the games. Some people tried to tell us these were the proper roles for boys and girls and we weren't following them. Fortunately, my parents weren't among those people and my cousin and I continued to play dress-up. I found that I had a very definite female side to my personality. Martha helped me develop that personality, just as others like my father helped me develop as Ralph. In time, I came to realize that both Mary and Ralph were me, aspects of a whole.

"Today I get to fulfill two dreams. The first is to be a bride, a longing I have had since I was old enough to know what a bride was. The second dream is to find a partner in life that understands and cherishes both sides of me.

"Ruth, you are that partner. You are the key that lets me be the whole person that I am. You are the confused little girl that helped me understand the confused little girl inside me. Our confusion came from very different sources, but together we have found a way to take that confusion and mold it into a vibrant and shining whole. Artur said it beautifully: I love you above all others, with a passion and fire that will never be quenched and burns brightly for all to see. You are my love, Ruth, for now and forever."

 

No help for it; the audience was on their feet once again. I thought this wedding was going to be unique, I wasn't wrong!

"Samwise, as ring-bearer it is now your duty to come forward."

Damn he was cute. Those hairy feet were the perfect touch for a junior hobbit!

"Will you each accept a ring from our young hobbit and face your partner?" I paused to let Sam do his duty. "The couples feel that there can be no way to set an order to this part of the ceremony, so I ask all four of you to take your partner's hand and repeat after me. Start by addressing your partner by name…"

 
"Martha…"
"Artur…"
"Ruth…"
"Mary…"

"I give you this ring to wear…

"With love and joy in my heart…

"As a ring has no end…

"Neither shall my love for you…

"Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side…

"And the love between us will never cease.

 

"The pledges having been made and the rings having been exchanged, it is my pleasant duty to proclaim that you are now and forever in the eyes of your peers and the laws of this land well and truly married. You may kiss your partner and celebrate as you will."

They enthusiastically kissed each other, but what I wasn't expecting was to be mobbed by my grandchildren and their spouses, to be well and truly kissed and hugged. Makes an old man proud to have such people as his descendants.

Mary

To tell you the truth, my memory of the reception is a little fuzzy. You try to remember what about a hundred people did while stuffing themselves with BBQ chicken and whatever else the caterers provided. What I ate remains a mystery to this day. It seemed like everyone who wasn't buttonholing Martha and Artur were swarming over us.

Well, that's not quite true, there were a small number of people who seemed distinctly uncomfortable near Mary, but we cheerfully left them to gossip among themselves while we circulated. There was some pointed humor from old high-school friends, some stilted conversations - mostly from Artur's and Ruth's delegations, but mostly there was joy and congratulations both on finding Ruth and finding myself as well.

There were the usual festivities. I couldn't help but imagining a firing squad or a line of cannon as the three brides lined up to fire flowers at the assembled single women. The teenaged girl who caught my bouquet had a very bemused look on her face.

Ruth and I exchanged garters, no way we were going to let them go after all the love that went into making them, but we had substitutes ready for flinging. So we did the traditional toss. David was at the front of the pack and performed a highly acrobatic leap to intercept the pass at the one yard line. He lateraled to Kym, leaving her with a very satisfied grin. See - I do know something about sports despite my general disinterest.

I'll do you all a favor and simply state that the usual suggestive speeches at the head table were bawdier than usual - mostly at my expense. Some of them were even funny, but I did keep a smile on my face throughout. Funny, Uncle Richard didn't say a word about the other couple who were part of his daughter's wedding.

While Ruth and I were doing our pressing of the flesh, there came a long, melodious note from Dave's saxophone. I suddenly found myself deserted as Ruth, and seconds later Martha, abandoned their spouses and gathered around the microphones with the band. Artur and I had been pointedly excluded from their rehearsals, so we were finally going to hear what they had come up with.

Funny how there are some songs that cross generations. Pinball Wizard came out when Grandpa Ron was young, but there was no doubt that everyone there knew it, and Artur was right there shouting out the choruses with the happy crowd.

Now it was my turn. Since they had already used Layla, I figured they would come up with something else. True to their oldies roots, they found Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out. I'd never heard it before, but the four part harmony turned the original hard driving soul warning into a sweet promise of things to come. Not only was the singing superb, but their lead guitarist, a lady by the name of Fay, traded some beautiful acoustic fingerpicking with Dave's harmonica to have us all on the verge of tears.

They had one more in their bag, the timeless Unchained Melody. This time Kym sang directly to my brother, their eyes locked on each other as she poured her heart into the lyrics with the other three women supporting and winding a curtain of sweet song around her lead. If there wasn't another wedding in the near future my brother was a damn fool.

It was almost a disappointment when the DJ took over. The dance floor got a bit crowded for the father-daughter dance, but we managed. Mom took me by sunrise when she pulled me out of my seat and dragged me onto the floor for the mother-son dance, but she was not to be denied. Artur gave me a thumbs-up as we passed, and so did his mother.

It seems that this was a dancing crowd, and it got so I hardly knew who I was dancing with after a while.

I'll close this story by telling you how I ended up dancing with Uncle Dick. Toward the end of the party the DJ put on a slow number, so Ruth and I stepped out once more. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Aunt Anna and Uncle Richard join the couples on the floor. I couldn't help remembering that first time someone had cut in with me on the dance floor. I whispered to Ruth to start heading toward my Aunt and Uncle. Sneaking up from behind, I nodded to Aunt Anna and cut Uncle Richard away from his wife and waltzed off with him.

It wasn't exactly revenge, but I can't find a word to describe how I felt when Uncle Dick had to come face-to-face with his crossdressing nephew. Triumph? Victory? No matter, he automatically put his arm around me and then stiffened as he realized what was happening.

Uncle Bastard is a pretty good dancer, and I guess he couldn't help but do his best despite his distaste for his partner. By the end of the number he had regained his poise and we bowed slightly to each other in acknowledgement. Not a victory, but you might call it detente, and easing of hostilities. Works for me.

 
Once again, my profound thanks to Alys for her remarkably fast proofreading and suggestions.