"So what's the verdict, Doc?" I asked.

"Well, I don't want to get to technical here, Tom, but you're getting old."

"Criminy, Doc! For this I needed to pay you $287 for an office visit? My own body tells me that every morning when I crawl out of bed."

"You have insurance, old man. You have a zero deductible for office visits and your cheapskate insurance company probably actually pays me fifty cents under contract by the time I pay my nurses and secretaries and the guy who washes the floor at night."

"My heart bleeds for you, Doc."

"Maybe I ought to cut back on your clopidogrel after Dr Caldara put that stent in your heart a couple of years ago."

"Very funny, Doc."

"I should have been doing standup. Actually, for a seventy year old man you aren't doing too badly, Tom. What's happening is with your heart a bit enlarged and your veins getting old, blood is pooling in your legs and they are swelling a bit. That stretches the skin and with the blood thinners you bruise more easily. That's why your calves itch and you have mottled skin. You've probably noticed you don't have so much leg hair these days, right?"

"Yeah."

"All part of the same thing. Fortunately, there's an easy fix."

"I'm almost afraid to ask."

"Man up, Tom. All you have to do is start wearing compression stockings and you'll feel much better."

"Stockings? You're kidding!"

"Nope. Now if you were female I'd recommend support stockings and a girdle. That would help hide the paunch you're growing."

"You really ought to consider a career change. You'd to just fine doing standup. You're a barrel of laughs."

"And leave all this glamour? I'd never have an excuse to examine your naked toes if I did. Get yourself some compression stockings and you'll feel better."

 

"So what did the doctor say, Tom?"

"That I'm an old fart."

"Criminy! For this you needed to pay for an office visit? I could have told you that watching you get out of bed every morning."

"You and the Doc ought to get together and do a duo standup act. That's what I said to him."

"Don't think I'm complaining. For an old fart you are plenty active in bed, old man."

"He said I should start wearing support stockings."

"What the hell? Is he stuck back in the forties or something? Modern women wear pantyhose, not stockings."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around wearing stockings. Pantyhose may be a bit much, especially considering the anatomical differences."

"Don't worry about your precious package, if sexy young guys can wear tight jeans without damage then pantyhose would be a snap."

"Planning on giving me a wedgie?"

"That might be fun! Look, I wore pantyhose every darned day before I retired.

"And I notice you don't wear them unless we're going someplace special these days."

"Damned right! I'm old enough to prefer comfort over fashion. Let the younger women wear what they want."

"Unless they're trying to entice a poor, innocent man into their bed, then lacy stockings would be almost required."

"No way!"

"Say what?"

"There isn't any such a thing as an innocent man."

"That's it! I'm calling the Doc so you two can work up an act together. Maybe we can make some money instead of spending it when we see him."

"Can Saturday Night Live be far behind? Or maybe if I can find one of my old garter belts I could try for porn film actress."

"Darling, as much as I love your naked body, I think you have aged out of getting boinked in a porn film."

"Now wait a minute! I'm told that the cougar thing is all the rage these days."

"Do they shoot porn films at the zoo?"

"Just think of the possibilities with a trained gorilla."

"Yeah. There you are lying on the bed dressed in your garter and support stockings and the horny gorilla starts flinging poop at you to show his love. Classic film for the genre."

"Ideas like that are why you don't make a living as a screenwriter."

"I don't make a living as anything any more. I'm retired."

"Do you have any idea what we were talking about before you started flinging gorilla poop at me?"

"The brilliance of my cinematic genius has driven all other thoughts from my brain."

"If your memory is really that weak maybe you better go back to the doctor for an Alzheimer's test."

"Doctor! That's it! The doctor wants me to wear support stockings. Just where would I find support stockings?"

"An interesting question. Belinda's Boutique tends to go for sexy lace and interesting patterns, not to mention some pretty sexy garters. I don't think that's what you're looking for."

"If we were talking presents for my beautiful wife the cougar…"

"I suppose it couldn't hurt to look as long as we ban gorillas from the bed chamber."

"Consider it done, my love."

"Good, but first things first. Maybe a medical supply place? After all, the doctor is the one telling you you need support."

"Shall we stop somewhere for lunch and consult the Seer of the Mystic Internet while we eat?"

"Not a bad idea. You're driving so you pick the place."

 

"They've got to be out of their tiny little minds!"

"Uh, Tom…"

"They can't be serious! Those crooks…"

"Quiet down, Tom. You'll get us thrown out and I want to finish my lunch."

"That's it, Joanne. I'm going to become a Democrat."

"I'm sure Nancy Polosi will jump for joy, but what has that got to do with the price of potatoes?"

"Those highwaymen want eighty bucks for a lousy pair of compression stockings. There's only one thing to do - vote in single payer or Medicare For All or whatever the devil you want to call it. Medical care has gotten completely out of control."

"And you haven't noticed this before? Remember the $45,000 discount the insurance company got on the bill for the stent they put in your heart? The poor sucker who pays cash has to pay the full freight."

"Those bandits want $120 for compression pantyhose!"

"You'd look cute in pantyhose, but Belinda has much better prices."

"Does she take Medicare?"

"She's too young to be on Medicare."

"How about a geezer discount?"

"Honey, geezers like us aren't her target demographic."

"If IHOP has a 55+ menu then she can, too."

"And if you keep scarfing those fries you're going to need a girdle pretty soon."

"Damn! You sound like the Doc."

"We could get you a corset, then you wouldn't be able to eat so much."

"How depressing. I think I want cheesecake for dessert."

"I hate to break it to you, honey, but support stockings just don't make it if you're going to be doing cheesecake."

"You have a seriously twisted mind, my love."

"Get two forks with that cheesecake, won't you?"

 

"I'm not so sure about this."

"Chicken! I come in here all the time."

"And don't think I'm unappreciative of the things you get here, but…"

"Just think of how much money you'll be saving."

"You do have a persuasive argument there."

"Of course I do. Come over this way."

"I shall follow where you lead, my love."

"Don't lay it on too thick."

"Aren't stockings supposed to be thin?"

"True, but support stockings have to be about as thick as your skull…"

"Let's not go there!"

"Hmmm… I'm getting the feeling that you may be wearing pantyhose after all. I don't see any support stockings at all, just the sexy kind."

"It's good to see you again, Joanne," said the saleslady, causing Tom to start and look guilty.

"And nice to see you again, Cassie. We're looking for support stockings but I don't see any."

"That's because we don't carry them. No real call for them these days. Garters and stockings are pretty much for the seduction trade and support stockings don't quite fit the image, if you know what I'm saying."

"I don't think Tom is planning to do any seduction, at least while he's wearing stockings."

Cassie's left eyebrow raised in inquiry, and the ghost of a smile crossed her face. Tom's face only turned red.

"The doctor says he needs to start wearing compression stockings but the prices at the medical supply are outrageous."

"Ah! In that case we can help. We carry a line of compression tights for runners that should do the job nicely."

"Aw darn! I was looking foreword to seeing Tom in a garter belt and stockings!"

Tom's face managed to find a deeper shade of red at this jibe.

"There's no law says you can't have both, you know."

"Now see, Tom honey, you can have it all!"

"You do remember I have a dicky heart?"

"I suppose if you start wearing runner's tights you could start running and bring down the old blood pressure."

"I think I should start running - right now. Away from scheming females for a start."

"Don't forget - doctor's orders. Now look at all the colors! You'd even be able to cover up those varicose veins wearing these. And they're much cheaper than the medical supply."

"You aren't the only man who wears these tights," offered Cassie. "Besides, who's going to notice what you have under your pants?"

"Well," Joanne smirked, "There are times that things stand up and get noticed under his pants."

"You're not making this any easier, my darling wife."

"Pick a color and try them on. A Pretty pink, perhaps?"

"You and the Doc are going to kill 'em when you go on the circuit."

Tom picked out a pair of plain, black running tights and took them into the changing room.

"What was that?" asked Cassie?

"A bad joke. Tom thinks his Doctor and I should be a standup comedians for the way we joked about compression stockings."

"And of course you couldn't let something like that just go unnoticed."

"Could anyone? Poor Tom, he got so freaked out by the doctor using the word 'stocking' that he didn't realize that doctors don't mean lacy women's stockings but long socks that go up to the knee. I couldn't help myself."

"You're bad!"

"Yeah. While he was pitching a fit about medical-type compression stockings I was on Amazon finding out that plain old compression socks go for about eight for less than thirty bucks. So I just ordered some and they'll be here in a couple of days."

"But you just had to bring him in here, right?"

"Right! And I'm not saying just when I'll let him know I bought them."

"You're badder than bad!" Cassie chortled.

Uh Joanne?" came Tom's plaintive voice. "I think I have a problem."

"I think he just discovered boxers and tights are an unworkable combination."

"You wouldn't…"

"Wanna bet? The frillier the better, and then some plain cotton panties. I'll trust your judgement while I have some fun."

"Am I supposed to wear my underwear inside or outside these things?"

"Tom, Tom, Tom! How many years have you been watching me get dressed in the morning?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"How many years have we been married?"

"I knew it was a trick question. We just had our fiftieth wedding anniversary last month, so that means I've been watching you get dressed in the morning for fifty-two years."

"Impressive. You didn't even have to count on your fingers."

"How did you know? You can't see through the curtain."

"I know the same way I know you stuck your tongue out while you were thinking. I've been living with you for fifty-two years. Now tell me, do I put my panties inside or outside my pantyhose when I get dressed?"

"Oh… Inside."

"Give the man a Kewpie doll! Now Joanne the Magnificent is able to predict that you have discovered that boxers and compression tights are not compatible."

"You can read me like a book."

"Wait until we get home. I hope the book is in braille."

Cassie, who had just arrived with the panties, had to stifle a laugh. Don't want to embarrass the customers too much.

"I have the solution, here you go."

She passed the frilly panties through the curtain.

"Joanne!!! That's not funny!"

"And who's been telling me I need to do standup? I bet those would get some major laughs."

"Ha. Ha."

"Well, I suppose you might like these better."

She passed in the plain cotton panties.

"And this is a medical necessity?"

"It's a fashion necessity. You don't want to walk around with lumpy hips, do you?"

"No comment."

"See you in a few minutes, lover."

 

Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Tom?"

"I suppose. Actually, these things are rather comfortable once you get used to them. My calves do feel a lot better."

"Admit it, your wife's a genius."

"I've known that for more than fifty years."

"Good answer. You're safe for another day."

"The only problem is they seem to slide up my legs."

"Think back to biology class in high school."

"Say what?"

"Biology. Remember when they taught you that one of the functions of mammalian hair is lubrication. That's why we have hairy armpits."

"So why do you shave them."

"Fashion is a bitch. My mother was grossed out by hairy armpits on women and drummed that prejudice into me indelibly. I also shave my legs, partly because fashion demands it and partly because pantyhose slides over hairy legs and tends to bunch."

"I don't like where this is going…"

"If you're going to wear tights you'll have to start shaving your legs, lover."

"This keeps getting more and more complicated!"

"I suppose we could go to the spa and get you a wax job. Rip them little suckers out by the roots."

"There are limits, woman!"

"Just sayin'."

"I wonder what I'm going to do when the weather warms up and I want to wear shorts."

"These days it's perfectly acceptable to wear leggings with a skirt."

"Joanne!!!"

 

Two months later

"You're looking rather spiffy this morning, Tom."

"I'm feeling rather spiffy. The Doctor was right, these compression things have made a difference. My skin has cleared up and my legs feel much better."

"Good to hear. You know how you were wondering what to do in summer when you wanted to wear shorts again?"

"I am not wearing a skirt!"

"No need. I have a present for you."

"From Amazon?"

"Of course, where else would I find things that big box stores don't carry. Open it."

"OK… Damn your eyes! Compression socks! When did you find these?"

"That first day over lunch when you were having a kitten about the prices at the medical supply."

"And you still took me to that boutique knowing these were in the mail?"

"Of course! I had a lot of fun watching you squirm. Cassie enjoyed the show, too."

"You're bad!"

"So Cassie told me. It worked, didn't it?"

"I have to give you that - it does work well. As long as I'm admitting things, I think I like wearing panties more than I did boxers. They are very comfortable."

"I figured that out when you went and bought more panties for yourself."

"Can't hide anything from you, can I?"

"Not a chance, lover. Since you appreciate the panties so much, I could always take you back to Belinda's for a bra fitting."

"Joanne!!!"