She's always late for training
But her penitence is real
She's really late for everything
but her tardiness has zeal
We hate to have to say it
But we very firmly feel
We almost think she misbehaves on purpose!

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do we discipline Maria?
How do we catch the girl and pin her down?
How do we petticoat Maria?
And what should she wear? Some nice lingerie? A gown?

Many a thing you know we'd love to show her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
When she slips out of her bonds and runs away

Oh, how do you discipline Maria?
How do make your brother wear a dress?

When we’re with her she’s confused
Out of focus and bemused
And she never knows exactly who she is?
Unpredictable as lightning
She's so loopy that it’s fright’ning
She's a goddess! She's a t-girl! She's a ditz!

She'd squirm out of every dress
But be the first one to confess
That she loves dancing in a tutu with a twirl
She is pretty! She is cute!
She’s an enigma! She’s a beaut!
She's a headache! She's transgender!
She's a girl!

How do we discipline Maria?
How do we catch the girl and pin her down?
How do we petticoat Maria?
And what should she wear? Some nice lingerie? A gown?

Many a thing you know we love to show her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
When she slips out of her bonds and runs away

Oh, how do you discipline Maria?
How do make your brother wear a dress?