Edison, New Jersey, shortly after three in the afternoon in late December…

Jackie knocked on the heavy front door. A few moments later, the door opened, and he was greeted by two friendly faces. The frisky Corgi stood behind his mistress and tilted his head before running off.

“Archie got a new toy and is probably going to get it to play fetch.” Valerie Avery smiled and bade Jack in. He noticed she was still dressed from work. Charcoal skirt suit with a Bone silk blouse.

Even as a PhD at Rutgers, it always seemed to him that she was dressy for the position. His mom was an associate of hers in the Psych department where Mrs. Avery taught, and most of the staff always dressed business casual, which apparently she didn’t mind at all. Just not for her, he supposed.

He tried to avoid staring at her. The term MILF might have been appealing to someone else, but he respected her too much to see her that way.

“I thought you were going away this weekend Mrs. Avery,” Jackie said as he stepped inside.

“Just a bit of a delay. But while I’m here, I had a quick chore for you?” He nodded. He noticed the strains of boisterous music playing on her laptop. She walked over and maneuvered the mouse until something light and almost soothing took its place.

“Too jarring. That’s better, yes?”

“Sure… “ he said to her back as she had already turned and was heading down the hallway. He followed her as she walked through her open bedroom door and pointed to the highboy dresser against the far wall.

“I was a bit in a hurry last night, and I tossed my conference badge on the dresser. It slid all the way to the back and fell behind. I can’t seem to budge it. The trim on the bottom is too narrow to reach under or even see, so it needs to be moved out. Could you…would you please?”

“Sure…no problem.”

“Jackie?”

“Yes Mrs. Avery?” He turned to face her.

“I’ll be down the hall for a bit. When you’re finished here just give a shout? I have one more thing for you to help with, okay?”

“Yes. You want me to come get you?”

“No. Just call down the hall and I’ll come, okay?” She once again did not wait for a reply, but simply walked out. Jackie looked at the dresser. It was sturdy and more suited to a man’s bedroom.

As he went to move it he noticed a few items on top of the mostly bare dresser. A key fob for a car. The Ford Mustang emblem had seen better days. And a picture. Mr. Avery, he supposed. She was already widowed when he started taking care of her dog and did not know this part of her past.

“It …probably,’ he muttered to himself, finishing the thought in silence.

“ "His car...Mr. Avery’s dresser."

As Jackie went to move it, he thought he heard singing from down the hall. He went to grab the back corner of the dresser to drag it away from the wall but it wouldn’t budge. After a few moments of struggle he gave up and called down the hall.

“I can’t get it to move. You have anything like hand truck in the garage?”

“No…sorry. Just sit on the sofa across from my bed. I’ll be there in a few?”

“Oh…okay…” He walked over to the sofa and sat down. He wasn’t in a hurry, since he was already going to stay at the house for the weekend, but he kept looking at his watch. After nearly ten minutes he heard her singing something about 'she's always a woman' accompanied by a knock at the door. Odd for her to seek permission to enter her own bedroom.

“Change of plans, Jackie. Sorry.” She said from the doorway. She had traded her suit for a Teal Jersey running kit. She draped a pile of clothing onto the sofa beside him...the very clothes she had been wearing only minutes before.

“I’m sorry, Jackie. I sort of fibbed.” She held up the supposedly misplaced conference ID.

“We need to talk… Mostly me talking and you listening,” her smile seemed odd; almost threatening but somehow in a safe way, Nevertheless, Jackie arose from the couch and began to sidle past her toward the door. She grabbed him by the arm and walked him back to the sofa.

“I...I should be going.” He looked past her at the door.

“No… we need to talk.” She pointed to her dresser and then to the closet.

“One thing you need to know about me, Jackie. I’m meticulous. To a fault. I drove my mother crazy. Everything had to be just so? She never got upset. Smart woman…she knew it was my way of coping after Daddy died. Control.”

“I really…” He went to continue but she put her index finger to her lips to shush him.

“Listen. We will talk, but you need to hear me. Okay?” As much as her mere presence seemed to bar his escape, her tone was gentle.

“I know Jackie. You’re likely as thorough as any person I’ve ever met? But nobody is as meticulous as me.” She walked over to her dresser and opened the top left drawer and pulled out a flimsy garment… a Coral camisole.

“This smells absolutely great,” she said with a laugh. She sniffed it for effect bit quickly put it back and opened the center drawer and pulled out a pair of nylon panties… in the same Coral as the camisole.

“Folded oh so neatly.” She dropped the panties back in the drawer.

“ButI use a nice wool-treatment soap for my lingerie. Under the bathroom sink…hand washed, Jackie. He went to speak and she waved her hand.

“Don’t bother to say anything. I wouldn’t want you to lie to me, Jackie. I don’t want my trust in you damaged any further.

“I…” he stammered before looking away.

“Do you read transgender fiction Jackie?”

“I…ye…yes…”

“This isn’t something out of a story or a book.” She used her hand in a broad gesture around the room.

“I don’t…”

“No, Jackie. I'm not a fetish...I'm a person... But so are you." She snapped at him but her expression turned from anger to something almost benign.

“I have known you a while. I know…. I KNOW you. This isn’t about sex, is it?” She reached in and grabbed the camisole once again.

“Oh I know the colors are pretty and the fabric is soft. That’s why I wear them. But that’s not the only reason for either of us, is it?”

“I…I need to go.”

“No, Jackie. You want to run. You want to hide. You want to stop this. But we still need to talk. Okay…I still need to talk and you need to listen.” He shook his head no.

“You’re scared…I get that. But you’re more ashamed. That’s why I can’t let you leave.” She walked to the door and shut it for effect.

You're keeping me here?"

"Only for the next few minutes until I'm finished talking." She reopened the door.

"Then you can make up your mind as to what you want to do."

"I don't understand."

"Frankly neither do I Jackie, and I have two doctorates." She walked over and stood close to him.

“We have three days together, Jackie. Three days to figure this out.” He grimaced a bit and stood.

“Is this like that movie where the guy asks the cougar..?”

She took three quick steps to him and looked as if she was going to slap him, but instead patted him on the cheek like a big sister correcting her sib. He put his hand to his face and his eyes filled with tears.

“This isn’t a joke, Jackie. It’s not one of those forced things.” She walked him over to the bed and sat him down.

“I will not hold you here, Jackie. You are free to leave after I finish talking to you.” She turned and faced her closet.

“But there will be consequences.”

“Please…please don’t tell my Mom? Please?”

“I’d never dream of telling her or anyone else for that matter.”

“You want to keep this a secret?” He stared at the camisole still in her left hand.

“I…”

“No, Jackie. I would never keep any secrets from your Mom. She’s a friend and a colleague. It’s just not up to me to tell her.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s up to you to tell her. But I suspect she already knows.” She held up the camisole and shrugged.

“What are the… what’s going to happen to me?” Jackie had ceased crying for the most part but his face was still red and he lowered his head. She stepped close and cupped his chin, raising his face to meet her gaze.

“Nothing is going to happen. You follow my suggestions or not and Sunday afternoon ...or in a short while you get to go home…no questions asked. Just that whatever happens in the next hour, you still need to talk to your mom. That's all."

“I don’t understand. You're not mad at me?”

“I was very angry with you when I realized you wore my clothes the times I left you here. You violated my trust, Jackie. I was ready to find another kid to take care of my dog.”

“Bu...But…”

“No. I’m not going to find someone else.”

“But you said…”

“I said I was angry. But I got over that quickly. The research part of my personality wanted to figure this out. You’re not any experiment. But I did sort of put you to a test.”

“What… You already knew…”

“I wanted to put Jackie to the test…himself…not his behavior…not his actions. I wanted to get to know you more.

“But why?” He practically pleaded as he saw she was frowning a bit and her eyes filled with tears.

“Well, for one thing, I still consider us friends…You bent my trust, Jackie, but you didn’t break it. Pretty much drove to the edge of the cliff on that one. But no, Jackie… we are still friends.”

“I…am so sorry,” he said in a near whisper.

“I know you are…” she paused and shook her head, but it wasn't in correction.

"...and not just because you were caught.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand.

“First? When I first learned of all this I started watching you. Just when you arrived and then again when you left. Probably about six or seven weeks along I noticed a change.

“You…You’ve known for seven weeks?”

“Jackie? I’ve known for almost eight months.” She laughed and wagged her finger at him like she was admonishing a small child.

“I know what you’re going to ask. Why did I take so long to confront you? Because it took me this long to figure out why you did this.”

“I’m…”

“No, Jackie. You are none of those things I’m fairly sure you call yourself no matter what things you probably have done.”

“I’m…”

“No, Jackie. When you first began…or at least when I first began to take notice? You seemed very anxious and even a little down when you would come to stay to take care of Archie. It was only after those few weeks that I noticed a difference… or should I say Archie noticed. Very perceptive, those Corgis.”

“What?”

“When you were leaving he would whimper and I just wrote it off as him missing his ball-toss buddy. But I looked at you when he was whimpering and it was only then I noticed that you must have been crying. My dog figured you out."

“I…”

“I know you were sorry even then, Jackie. But remorse didn’t fuel your tears then no more than it does now,

‘”I…I said I was sorry, Mrs. Avery?” he pleaded once again. She stepped back and pointed to her dresser and again to her closet.

“Do you think I’m still upset about the clothes? Jackie? I’m sad about your shame.” She shook her head; frustrated that she still had failed to reach him.

“I’m going to tell you a story about yourself, okay?”

“A..about me? What?”

“Jackie? Shush. Please?” Her tone wasn’t abrupt at all.

“There was a little girl in your class in fourth grade….that would make you both about eight and so? You remember which girl I’m talking about?” Jackie’s eyes widened in recall and then sadness.

“C…Callie? Callie Montalbano…”

“Yes… the little girl...” She gasped at her own memory before continuing.

“She needed a bone marrow transplant. Her daddy was already in heaven and her mommy…her ma…” She held back a sob and continued.

"Her Mom wasn't a match." Do you follow me?"

"I...I don't know."

“Two kids in school. A girl and her younger brother helped get a hotline set up to help her.”

“But…but she...”

“Yes, Jackie. She went to be with her Daddy because they didn’t find a match.”

“She…” Jackie fell into the bed and began to sob. He felt the mattress sag as Mrs. Avery began to rub his back.

“The local radio people didn’t know you and your sister hadn’t been told. When they told you she had died the reporter didn’t realize her mike was still hot. You cried and cried and your sister cried and cried and it got all over the radio. Her mom was listening. Her mom remembered what a beautiful child you were...what you both had been to my Callie.

“Your… but your name...?”

“When I first got my doctorate I decided even if I got married I was going to keep my name…. Valerie Montalbano. I heard…. Danny ... it was the second anniversary of the day my husband died when Callie died. I had to do something to honor him and her, so I took finally his name and made sure all of Callie’s … Calista Montalbano Avery..."

"I don't remember you...I..."

“We only met once… My hair was short and brown” Jackie lifted up enough to remember of course that she was blonde.

“Ca…Callie?”

“I have never ever forgotten how much that little boy must have loved her. Just before she got too sick to go to school, she came home and couldn’t stop talking about a little boy.” She paused and turned her attention once again briefly to the closet.

“’Is it okay for me to tell you a secret about him,’ she said? As a doctor… I wanted to make sure it was safe? I asked her what the secret was.” As she spoke, Jackie started to shake.

“’I think he wants to be like me…you know, Mommy?’” Jackie stopped shaking and once again his eyes seemed to plead; this time instead for forgiveness that was never required.

“When I realized the little boy she had been talking about…the little boy who cried so sadly for her was the same boy beside me now that wore my clothes? Almost eight years, Jackie. Well, I just had to do something about it.” Valery Montalbano Avery stood up and rubbed his back one last time.

“Your moment of reckoning is at hand, Jackie,” Val said as she wiped her face with her sleeve. She pointed to the sofa to the outfit she had been wearing

“That? Or anything else you like? Or what you're wearing right now. Take as long as you need, but when you finish this one last task, join me in the kitchen. I’ll put on a pot of coffee and there’s chocolate doughnuts and Lemon Crumb Cake – both Entenmanns.”

“What…” Jackie sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve as well.

“The name is as important as anything, but remember that Jackie is a nickname for John. Your name means gift. No matter what you decide, you are still a gift to your mom and sis, okay?” She looked out her bedroom window catty-corner to the view down the street to Jackie’s house.

“But my request is that while I make the coffee, you pick out anything of mine and put it on and join me in the kitchen, okay?” She raised her left eyebrow, almost in expectation of one last plea.

“What if I…What if I ca…can’t?”

“Then you and I can still have a cup of coffee? We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

“Ye…yes….”

“Then I’ll see you in a while?” She smiled and he nodded; less anxious but still appearing very sad. She nodded and walked out.

---

---

A short while later in the kitchen...

“Mrs. Avery?”

Val turned toward the voice. Standing in the archway from the hall stood a teenage girl; about sixteen or seventeen and looking somewhat nervous.

“I love the choice,” Val said with a soft laugh; the kind that disarms and soothes rather than shames.

“Dark silk top and slacks…classic.” Val held up a doughnut.

“Sorry…I started without you.” She poured a mug of coffee from the carafe and placed in front of Jackie as he sat down at the table..

“I want you to know that I would still have been your friend if you didn’t wear any of my clothing.

“But I would have had to rent a room for the weekend at the Sheraton since I can’t be alone in my home with a teenage boy…” Jackie shook his head.

“Since you’re obviously not a boy and with everyone away at your place."

“Mom….?”

“I gave her my spot at the conference and she mentioned your sister Jess went back to Boston U early to start her internship. She said it would be good for you and me to get acquainted…. Girl to girl.”

“She….she knows?”

“They both know. Remember when I mentioned how meticulous I was and that even as thorough as you were…you know? Your mother is about as meticulous and careful as they come. She asked me… she suspected something before I did. This weekend was her idea.”

“Why….why…” Jackie gasped.

“Because she had always suspected she has two daughters. And that I might just be the person who could help you discover that as well. I have a cousin... her name is Sandy... her boy name was Sandy... So here we are…two girls drinking coffee and both wearing my clothes.”

“Your…your clothes…” Jackie sighed.

“Now if I found you in the hallway in my wedding dress?” She laughed and Jackie’s face grew red and hot.

“Still…you would make some boy a lovely bride,” she hadn’t meant to tease. Nevertheless, Jackie shook his head slightly and turned away.

“No… I don’t suppose you like boys.” Jackie put his hands to his face and began to sob.

“No…but no girl would ever… she'd never… I hate myself…” Val put her hand on Jackie’s arm and guided him to lay his head on the table.

"You know? I got Archie a while after Callie died. I think he would have loved Danny, but as you can see Archie really only likes girls." Val pointed to the Corgi who had begun to lick Jackie's right hand as it dangled a bit from her lap.

"Girls?" Jackie wept even harder.

“It’s going to be okay….I promise.” Val blinked back her own tears and said a silent prayer before standing only to stoop by Jackie’s chair, drawing her face close as she blessed the girl with a motherly kiss.

"I texted your Mom. She's skipping the conference and should be here in about an hour. That kiss is to hold you over until she gets here.

"She's coming here?"

Well, silly, why wouldn't any mom want to have a girl's night in with her daughter?" It wasn't meant as a tease but it provoked...in a good way as Jackie leaned into Val and sobbed.

"“Shhhh…..shhhh…. I know….” She said. Valery realized that even now she didn’t really know all that much, but between her and Jackie’s mom and her sister Jess, the girl had all the support she needed.

And most of all because Jackie finally knew.

---

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Always a Woman
Words and Music by Billy Joel
performed by
Carol Kay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ3VCOPWKOE

Trepak (Russian Dance) andWaltz of the Flowers are pieces of orchestral music from the second act of The Nutcracker, a a ballet composed by Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky