We wanted only to love
How will I find you again?
Fate or chance

Previously, Binghamton, New York, 2011….

“Tony?” The name would have almost been intrusive but for the following words; accompanied by the same gentle hand urging Amy to look up.

“No….Amy. It’s you…. You came back. You came back.”

The Chen home….

“Would you like some tea?” Mei spoke as Alice held the tray. Amy nodded, accepting two cups for her and Autumn. Dinner had come and gone with them spent from crying the past two hours. Aitimn nodded and smiled.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome…. What may we call you? We call her…” Alice turned toward Amy.

“She’s Gūjè Amy…Aunt Amy.”

“Would you be okay if I….” Autumn’s face grew red and she put her head down.

“Gūjè? Oh please? Gūjè Amy has… she told us about you… when we were younger.” Mei said; almost singing. Alice nodded enthusiastically and added.

“We… it’s like you already are family…. Gūjè… Autumn?”

“Oh…” was all Autumn could manage before she buried her face against Amy’s shoulder.

“I’m… we’re sorry. Did we say something wrong?” Mei asked. Amy shook her head gently from side to side before smiling.

“No, honey… it was just right.”

“Mom?” Mei rubbed Connie’s arm and continued.

“We’re going to go…” The girls left the room.

“You…. You went away,” Autumn placed her hand on Amy’s arm; evoking a gasp.

“You… you never had a chance,“ Autumn continued. Visions mixed with mind’s eye sights and daymares as Amy recalled the teasing and rejection,

“I… I could never please Daddy…. So I became Tony for him. Mommy was already sick….”

“And I was gone already,” Autumn interjected.

“I tried to call you but your brother wouldn’t….” Amy bit her lip; reliving the disappointment.

“Even if he knew, he wouldn’t tell you, but he blamed you for me leaving…. I ended up in Florida… I…. I met someone. Your Dad said you enlisted and by then Tish and I….” Autumn lowered her head but continued.

“It was good at first, but she was controlling and my head was already fucked up. After the last….I ended up in a shelter….” Tears spilled freely but she continued.

“I ended up in and out of rehab, but eventually it stuck. I got my degree on-line and got accepted into the public health nursing master’s program at Cornell. We’re so much alike. It took a shaking up, but I guess someone was looking out for both of us.”

“I’m…I’m so sorry I…I hurt you. I let you down….” Amy said sadly, evoking a gasp from Autumn. She answered.

“All I ever wanted was to love you. It got taken away.” Autumn looked down. At Autumn’s words, Amy’s face reddened in shame; feeling once again responsible for the choices of others.

“No…You didn’t…. Amy was stripped from OUR lives….” Autumn shook her head furiously, as if she was still sixteen arguing with her mother on behalf of the boy only she knew was a girl. Amy sighed and spoke.

“I… I didn’t realize until I came home for Mommy’s funeral how much I hated myself…. That I gave up on me. By then Daddy had softened… He was thinking a lot about us and just couldn’t say the words, but I knew when he told me how much I reminded him of Mommy. And the only time…. He said, ‘I love you, s….’ but never spoke that last word. He…He died just before I was coming home after my last tour.” Amy gasped again.

“I wanted so much to die until then. But when I got back, it was like a… like I finally realized only I could give myself permission to be Amy….”

“I never saw you as anyone but her, even if in my mind you were Tony with an i,” Autumn laughed softly,

“But I realized I didn’t need you,” she added; evoking a gasp from Amy. Autumn leaded close and grabbed Amy’s face Kissing her gently, she pulled back and stared into tear-filled eyes that mirrored her own.

“Higher power, you know? I had to change with no one’s help but with everybody’s help including….” Autumn pointed upward and Amy nodded with a smile as she spoke.

“Me, too. I thought I needed you, but it was never that but so much more, I love you so more than I ever needed you,” she said haltingly.

“You…you love me? Still?” Amy began to sob until she felt the gentle touch of lips on her cheek as Autumn blessed her with kisses of devotion that transcended fear and doubt.

Jimmy and Connie had been silent witnesses along with Mei and Iris. The girls waved in beckon to their parents and in a few seconds all four of the Chens had crept quietly from the room, leaving Gūjè Amy and Gūjè Autumn cooing in unison on the couch.

United Church of Christ, Binghamton, New York, several months later….

Two ministers stood before the congregation and two very nervous women, along with two teenage girls who stood on either side of the brides,

“Who gives these two in marriage?” the woman minister asked. Connie and Jimmy stepped forward.

“We do!” Amy reached over and grasped Autumn’s hand as Maidens of Honor Iris and Mei each accepted a bouquet in exchange for a ring. Words were read carefully off cards, but neither would remember later just exactly what they said. All they could recall with confidence were the words ‘you may now…’ as everything else proceeded in a happy blur…

Later that night...

Two figures lay dreamily content, perhaps confident for the first time in ages that they would indeed love, breathe, and sleep well….

Blue billowing green waves of grass
The iron sky
Turning in the looking glass

Your deep seeing eyes
Ancient stars
You are wonderful light
My only love
Sleep well
Good night

Clay by Goldfrapp
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVnWQtyJgHI
Goldfrapp is Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory