“No…go away….please?” The young woman sighed and tried to turn, but the girl to her left sat there, practically pleading. Minutes passed as the two sat in silence. The two exchanged glances until the girl stared almost longingly before gasping out a brief sob as she stood up and walked away…..

---

---

“Are you okay, honey?” Laura asked. The young man looked up from his reading and nodded weakly with a half-smile.

“Yeah…I’m…..okay,” he said quietly and returned his attention to the Bible that lay open on his lap. Searching for reasons to live in a life filled with doubt and disappointment and confusion. It wasn’t like there was nothing to find in the book laid open before him, but like so many just like him, he was looking without any direction in places with answers meant for other questions. He sighed in frustration and closed the book.

“She doesn’t understand, honey. You know that, right?” Laura said more than questioned. She walked over and sat down next to him on the couch. He raised his head and looked at her, displaying the face of a child without hope, even if the child was twenty-three and still living at home with his mother. She put her hand on his shoulder and patted softly.

“Why do I have to choose, Mom?” He pleaded. She shrugged her shoulders slightly; the gesture that says I don’t know everything, but I do know a bit.

“She loves you but she doesn’t love all of you….” She said slowly but shook her head

“She loves you but she doesn’t know that she loves all of you The part of you that she doesn’t quite know but has known since you met?” Laura sighed, feeling almost useless in consoling her child.

“Me? She doesn’t know me at all….just everything she chooses to see. I give up.” He shook his head and put his head down and wept. Laura put her hand on his back and rubbed it softly in a circling motion. What else to do. No amount of comfort, however well-intended, could provide the solace her son sought. No words could undo the hurt that still impaled his heart. Only time and maybe understanding would heal the wounds left by the words the boy had heard.

“I don’t want to be with you anymore….I can’t…. “ Just as many tears shed by her as by him; it meant that she loved and hated at the same time. Some might call it ignorance, and in so many ways, it was indeed true. But so many choose to be ignorant; that willful decision to remain in the dark; unknowing. But this was the insular ignorance that is borne of fear, and not fear from something so much as fear to submit to feelings rather than remain unfeeling. And that unfeeling was merely the failure to express what dwelt inside and not any numbness or lack of emotion.

“She hates me, Mom.”

“No, honey. She just loves you up to the point where her fear takes over. You know she loves you; it wouldn’t hurt as much if she really hated you, right?” Laura had experienced so much of what her son was going through, if for different if somewhat similar reasons. She sighed even as another voice spoke up.

“It’s her way of protecting herself.”

“What am I doing to hurt her, Mama?” He turned to face his other parent; the mother who held him when he was born after Laura had given him life. She walked over and sat on the couch on his other side; reaching across his back to grab Laura’s hand.

“It’s more what you’re not doing to protect her from her fears just by being you. She wants to….” Laura began but looked at her partner. Keiko nodded and smiled.

“She’s a woman….just like you are. And by you being you, she feels like she’s less of a woman. She cannot see who you are as long as her vision of herself is cloudy. When she discovers more of whom she is, who can say she won’t realize who you are? We can hope and pray and believe, and those are good things, no matter what happens, yes?”

“Yes.” The boy said softly and nodded. She looked at him and smiled. She brushed a tear from his cheek and turned to Laura.

“Where there is time, there is also hope.” Keiko squeezed Laura’s hand and then stood up.

“I believe some tea and prayer are in order, yes?” She waved her hand toward the kitchen. Laura got up, helping her son to his feet…. Son in birth only, of course. Anna stood up and smoothed her long skirt down and walked into the kitchen with her mothers, ready for some herbal tea and prayer that might bring change and understanding but would most certainly bring peace and accord.

---

---

Said you had a thing or two to tell me
How was I to know you would upset me?
I didn't realize as I looked in your eyes
You told me, oh yes, you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore
That's when it hurt me and feeling like this I just can't go on anymore

“Why did this have to happen to me, Dad?” The young woman sat at the table; resting her head on her elbows.

“Nothing ‘happens’ really, Nona. Right?” He placed a mug of coffee in front of her and patted her on the back; squeezing her shoulder gently as she raised her head.

“Why do I make such stupid choices?” She argued; shifting the blame from circumstance to herself.

“What stupid choice would that be? Falling in love with someone without knowing everything about them?” He smiled.

“Do you think your mother knew everything important there was to know about me before she fell in love?”

“No, but this is different.”

“It is, honey, but you know now, and how do you feel?”

“I’m….I’m not sure. I mean….oh, I don’t know, Daddy.” She looked away, sipping her coffee.

“What hurts the most about what you were told? What is the biggest disappointment.”

“You make it sound so easy, like everybody got an invitation to Susie’s birthday party in fourth grade…well almost everybody,” she said with a sigh.

“Not easy, but still something inside feels wrong…. That somehow you didn’t find what you were expecting. What part of what you were told feels the worst…the biggest part of what you aren’t going to get, I suppose?” He sat down and took a long sip of coffee.

“I….” She paused, as if by telling her father she was committed to the disappointment she might express.

“Listen, Nona. You can’t get this answer wrong; it’s how you feel.”

“That’s the doctor in you talking, Daddy. Not really the same.”

“I tell my patients the truth as they tell me they see it. Can I do less with you? You’re hurting because something doesn’t feel right, no matter what it is or how things go, right? I just want you to know I’m here for you, okay?” She nodded weakly and spoke.

“I wanted to be a mom so bad, Daddy. And not just a mom, but a mom just like Mommy.” She completely missed his grin and continued.

“If….we can’t if….Oh, damn it, Dad…. Why did he turn out….”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure she wants more than anything to be honest with you. There are a lot of folks who would have walked away without a word….. or she could have….”

“It feels like I was tricked, Dad. Like I fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist.”

“Is she the same person you love? Has anything shown you she’s not the caring person you came to love, honey?”

“No….I guess she’s….it feels strange, but since she told me, I can’t even use the word him or his or he anymore, and it makes me angry.”

“Because you fell in love with a man, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you? Or did you fall in love with a heart? What was it you said about him when you first thought he was the one? Something about….”

“I…felt he cared more about me than himself….like he wanted to see me happy.”

“He backed out of the engagement the first time because?”

“I said I wasn’t sure….that I needed more time.” She blew out a breath.

“And who called whom after a few months?”

“He did….just to tell me he loved me and that he prayed that whatever I decided that I’d be happy. And then he moved. He didn’t leave any address or phone number…. I felt so ….”

“Sad?”

“I missed him when I realized he might not come back. But I never realized that he’d come back like that…”

“Two years away can certainly change things for a lot of people.”

“But….” She bit her lip in frustration; feeling almost guilty for wanting what she wanted.

“Something inside changed in you, and way before you met her, right?”

“Daddy, you don’t understand. It’s not like I don’t….I do….love her…but I’m so confused. I don’t know who she is or even who I am.”

“You’re the same lovely young woman you’ve always been. Right? Have you grown less in love with her or more?”

“It’s not that easy, Dad,’ she repeated herself.

“No, not easy at all. I suppose this is where your mother would say something like, ‘Nona? Only you can decide what you want ….’” He smiled and let out a soft laugh.

“Or who you want. What about her has changed so much that you can’t love her like you used to.”

“I wanted children. But things have changed.”

“Very much so, but you know that I understand completely, right?” He didn’t wink, but he might as well have. Her eyes widened just a bit and her face grew a bit red.

“I don’t want you to feel bad about wanting to have children. But you more than anyone, honey…. When the doctor told your mother…. And me…. We thought about so many choices and things. So many ways to face the truth. But that’s the wonder and delight of life. What we would have chosen, as much less painful as it could have been? We were given exactly the answer we sought even if we would never have planned it that way.” He sighed and tears came to his eyes.

“Your mom was at work…. She worked in pedes at the time. And I had just finished a session with a teen….” He would have added that the teen was very much like her erstwhile fiancé, but she had heard the story so many times anyway. He swallowed hard. Getting to the painful part; the emotional childbirth before Nona’s arrival, so to speak. She shook her head slightly; not wanting to hear the story, but not refusing either.

“My sister and my brother-in-law had been driving back from visiting his family in Connecticut, and ….”

“I know, Daddy. Please…It’s okay.” The story, of course, was okay, but he needed to be reminded that it was okay for him to cry. He paused and lowered his head and wept softly at the recollection of the accident that took their lives and left their two year old daughter an orphan. How things work together for good, not as planned so much as allowances made for. She choked back a sob. What she knew of her mother and father she learned from her Mommy and Daddy; the uncle and aunt who brought her into their home to treasure and love.

“The plans they had we saw to fruition in the beautiful woman you’ve become. We had been disappointed and felt hopeless and even ashamed that things were not what they should have been.” He blinked back tears, but these were hopeful and grateful and peaceful tear.

“I am so proud of you, Nona. You know that whatever you decide I will believe that it Is exactly what you need and wish and hope for yourself, because I have every bit of trust that you know what’s best for both of you now. Okay?” She nodded but the half-smile on his face seemed to belie his encouragement until he added,

‘But only you can know what’s best for you, right? I can only ask questions that provoke you to consider what you yourself want and need. And I believe you will know when the time comes.

---

---

But when you told me, you don't want my lovin' anymore
That's when it hurt me and feeling like this I just can't go on anymore

“I’m going away. I’m sorry,” the young woman tried to speak without halting, but she stammered anyway.

“No.” Nothing dramatic or elegant or involved or complicated. The word was simple and to the point.

“If I stay, I can’t stay as him, and that would hurt you, and I don’t think I could bear that,” she said and repeated herself.

“I’m going away.”

“No, you’re not. I don’t know how this will work out, but it has to work out because I need you. I love you more than I can say, and I’m sorry if I don’t know how my love will work things out, but you mean more to me than I can say."

“I can’t put you in this place, Nona. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“We’ll both hurt each other some ways before this is all through, but the most hurt I’ve felt through all this is the hurt I turned in on myself when I denied how much I loved you. That somehow you being who you are was wrong for me when you being who you are is what makes me love you; guy or girl. And I’m not going to listen to those voices that tell me you’re wrong, when I know you’re right, even if I don’t even understand what right means anymore, okay?”

“Y….yes,” Anna spoke in a near whisper, wanting to run away and hide herself and her hopes and dreams, as if somehow being someone other than who she was would make Nona happy.

“This ought to be very interesting, but I’m going to try to show you outside how I feel inside. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a girl before but I know I’ll never love anyone like I love you.” Nona leaned close and pulled Anna into the first of increasingly less awkward hugs and kissed her for the first time of many, many times to come.

Please remember how I feel about you
I could never really live without you
So, come on back and see just what you mean to me
I need you
I need you
I need you

---

---

Marty lay across the bed; another sleepless night borne out of choices that left her feeling guilty and foolish. She turned and looked at the fairly undisturbed covers and pillow on the left side. Standing up, she stared at her appearance in the mirror over the dresser. The young woman in the mirror peered back; looking embarrassed at the underwear they both wore, so to speak. Non-descript and decidedly skimpy; perhaps too skimpy she thought as she sighed in displeasure.

So go away, leave me alone, don't bother me.
I can't believe that she would leave me on my own.
It's just not right when every night I'm all alone.

Late July….

“Go away….” She said to her image, as if by wishing or conjuring up some command, the woman in the mirror would suddenly change back to who they both were only a few years before. Or rather, whom they both presented as, since the persona had been the pretend self and Marty the real person. She sighed and looked again at the empty side of the bed.

“Don’t bother me,” she gasped, remembering an old tune from her childhood. That idea that she was to blame seemed to accuse her even as she mouthed the lyrics. Was it really her fault she was alone? She stood and walked over to the mirror.

“It’s…..” she began as tears fell from her face onto her bare feet.

“Just…..not right…..” It wasn’t right or wrong it just was what it was. The idea that we can make things over the way we choose only goes so far, and our choices, good or bad, have an impact on how things end up. She had a choice, no matter what anyone might say, but it wasn’t about who she was, but about how she would live. That she had always been there was no question, but how she was accepted was completely out of her control.

“I’ve got no time for you right now,” she gasped and she threw herself back on the bed, weeping.

---

---

A while later…

“Marty?” The voice called from the hallway. She got off the bed and grabbed the mint green terry robe from the hook on the bedroom door. Walking down the hallway, she found her brother standing in the doorway.

“I used my key,” he said as he stepped closer, but he quickly retreated in surprise.

“Marty? What the hell?” His eyes glanced up and down at her as he shook his head in wonder.

“Surprise, Cam….” She said weakly. He breathed out a sigh and half-smiled.

“Well….that’s different,” he said with a soft laugh, evoking a sob from her. He shook his head again, but his smile remained, and he stepped closer.

“The look….suits you,” he said softly as he grabbed her hand and squeezed gently.

“I’m so sorry, Cam….I wanted to tell you, but you were gone and I didn’t have anyone to talk to….”

“What about Mina?” He regretted the question as soon as the words escaped his lips; noticing the frown on her face that accompanied the tears in her eyes.

“She….”

“She….she’s gone, Cam….”

“I’m sorry….” He wanted to add an endearment, but what?

“I’m ….I don’t know what to say, Marty.” The name hadn’t changed, at least face-to-face, even if the face with the name had changed a bit along with a lot of other things about his brother, if that’s what Marty actually was.

“I….” Marty open her arms and Cam stepped closer into the first of several awkward gestures and hugs. He patted Marty on the back and sighed in frustration.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she….”

“I know, Marty, I’m sorry,” he repeated, continuing to pat his sibling. She rested her head on his chest and began to sob. He pulled back slightly and stared at her face; a gesture she didn’t notice as her eyes were squeezed tight even as the tears escaped out and down her nose. The nose that seemed smaller somehow. The features were the same and yet seemed different... Marty really hadn’t changed much at all, and Cam realized that whatever or whoever Marty was, it was still the same sibling from their childhood… and maybe someone who actually was his sister all along.

I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.

“She….said she needs some time, Cam. That was six weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from her… What am I gonna do?” Marty said as she sipped her tea. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe she’s just…I don’t know, Mart….afraid? I mean…I just met you today…. You know? And I can hardly handle it.” Marty winced at his words.

“I’m sorry…no… jeez…Fuck….” He shook his head and she looked away.

“No, Mart….I mean, it’s brand new for me, and I grew up with you. I’m confused, but I’m not upset. Mina …. “

“It’s all wrong, Cam. I should have never….”

“You….?” His eyes widened even as his gaze lowered reflexively.

“No…not yet….” It could have been done, so to speak, in the time Cam had been overseas, but Marty’s decision hadn’t gotten beyond the halting steps down a poorly lit path.

“There’s still time?” Cam asked, evoking another wince.

“No…not that…” Cam patted her on the back and kissed her cheek, surprising them both.

“There’s still time for her to get to know ….you?” Cam tilted his head and half-smiled. She nodded and wiped her face with her sleeve.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home.
Until that day

“I’m….I’ve got to….” The thoughts were so painfully conflicted; the loss or love or the loss of self locked in what felt like a never-ending battle where the sole casualty was Marty herself.

Marty turned away and faced the hallway wall. She noticed her reflection in the glass of a picture hanging across from them; reflecting her image while still revealing the photo underneath of two middle-school boys holding up soccer trophies. She shook her head and buried her face in Cam’s chest once again, weeping almost uncontrollably. He continued to hold her close and kissed her cheek once again; another brand new thing for them both, but part of his process in beginning to understand why he no longer had a brother.

“I’m so sorry, Cam….I’m so sorry….” Marty protested and begged at the same time; as if just being herself with her brother was wrong….dead wrong.

“Shhh….” He spoke softly; probably the first time he had extended patience since their childhood, when Marty’s cat had died and his older brother consoled him. Cam remembered that he needed consolation, and neither had any expectation of gaining solace from their father; a stern and inflexible man who couldn’t handle kittens and puppies and his own children. How would he have greeted Marty if she had spoken to him at ten or fifteen or even twenty?

He stared at her face; she had closed her eyes but held her head up at the urging of his hand to her chin. She wasn’t exactly pretty, but she was a woman. How many women had he known in his own lifetime that were attractive just in being themselves; the ones who seemed to grow more attractive as he got to know them; intimately or not? He smiled as he noticed the fading traces of the day’s lipstick. Between wiping her face and smacking her lips nervously, nearly all of her makeup had disappeared. But it didn’t seem so odd as just unfamiliar.

He closed his eyes and did exactly what Marty had done time and time again. He imagined her ‘back then’ and even though her ‘previous’ features remained fixed in his mind, she still looked like a girl. She had always looked like a girl….just not adorned. She opened her eyes and noticed his half-smile; an almost wry grin in his repertoire of smiles. It made no difference as she caught sight of her image in the picture glass. The same face she saw staring back at her in the bathroom mirror every day. She shook her head again and sighed before burying her face in his jacket as she wept.

I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.
I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.

---

---

Late August…

“Hi,” Cam simply said as he pulled the chair out for Mina.

“I hope you don’t expect me to change my mind,” she said as she sat down. She grabbed the napkin and placed it on her lap and looked away as Cam sat down.

“Nope, I just wanted to say hi and that I missed you while I was away,” he laughed softly at the irony. Mina had told him very strongly that she felt Cam had made a mistake by doing a second tour. She and Marty had been struggling even then, but no one told Cam anything about the reason for the struggle. Nearly three years later, Cam had returned to find the very surprising new member of the family as well as the potential loss of a very dear if frustrated old member.

“How….” Mina began, but her voice trailed off. Cam avoided the use of the provocative she and said,

“Marty is doing okay, considering…”

“Please don’t be angry with me?” Mina said with a sigh.

“I’m not angry with you, Mina. I’m not even upset with you. If I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around things? A guy goes away to war and he sorta expects things to be reasonably the same when he gets back, you know?”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Mina? You’re one of the most treasured people in my life. If Marty hadn’t found you, I’d have been more than blessed to be…. You know? Hell, Mina, I love you, even if you are the second most exasperating person in my life besides my….” He paused, weighing the options of how well things might progress, and threw caution to the wind with one word.

“Sister?” His voice trailed off.

“Tell me about it…” She sighed again. He patted her wrist and smiled.

“I’m sorry things have been so hard for you.” Her eyes widened in surprise.

“I’m…. thank you, Cam.” She said weakly. She lifted the tea cup but quickly placed it back down on the table. Cam took a sip of his coffee and smiled; another in his collection.

“It’s confusing and even scary,” he said as he resumed sipping his coffee.

“I….I don’t know how….”

“I don’t think Marty came with a set of instructions…. and a change in the factory defaults to boot, huh?” Mina tried not to laugh, but the IT in her pushed her into a soft chuckle.

“None of us come with instructions, Mina, and I’m pretty sure we all are way different than how we came out of the factory, yes?” He smiled again. She smiled back, despite her urge to frown.

“And you still love Marty.” He arched his eyebrow.

“Oh fuck…” She shook her head. Giving Marty’s brother the satisfaction of being ‘right’ wasn’t the worst part of it. Him being absolutely spot on was the hardest part of being there…right there and vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, Mi….” His smile had changed once again, but it was warm and inviting; an understanding that even the best parts of love can be painful and disappointing.

‘What do I do with this? All of this? He’s not the man I married…..” She laughed at the irony of her words which pushed her rudely into a sobbing gasp.

“I don’t know, Mi….I really don’t,” he sighed. For two people who were used to having hard data and answers, Marty was just as confounding to him as it was to Mina, but he had less to lose if he remained confused and even frightened over the prospects of Marty’s change, since Marty would always be his sibling. But Mina? All too much to lose if she stayed exactly where she was and maybe too much to lose if she walked away. How God could machinate such a horribly wrong no-win situation?

“It isn’t fair, Cam….I can’t do this.” Cam had been through many discussions like this. Moving from logical to empathetic had changed his outlook, but he resisted the temptation to answer and asked a question instead.

“What did you do when….” He hadn’t finished when she frowned and shook her head.

“We….” She looked down at her body.

“It worked out even if it was rough going….because you….” He paused, not for lack of words, but because he knew she had the words he sought.

“We…Patty is our baby….our hearts….they….”

“You saw things through and now you share more than just the love that helped the beginning of Mina and Marty, right? She’s a beautiful little girl.”

“How can you… you’ve been through so much yourself, Cam… I don’t understand?” She didn’t understand even if she had the heart to try and the faith to

“Watching everything….seeing all the loss? I realized it wasn’t an uncaring god that allowed those things….but uncaring….confused and frightened people. And where I saw loss, I also saw hope. The folks who cared and loved and hoped for the children. The idea that we’re all the same even if we don’t see things the same way.”

“You believe that….? It almost felt like a statement that Mina wished to buy into.

“Yes, my sweet sister-in-law… I do.”

“I want to believe…. I love Marty….maybe I just don’t have enough faith.”

“You have it. The same faith that caused you to pray for me when I was in danger. The same faith that believed for me when I found my own faith waning. The same faith that trusted that things would work out for you and Marty and your daughter. You just aren’t sure you have it inside of you. But only the external seems to test the internal, Mi…. This is as big a test as you’ll ever undergo and it’s not about what you do or don’t do, but what you believe. That idea of helping you with your unbelief isn’t a bad thing. It’s for your benefit as much as your marriage and your love. It’s how you move forward with the love you already have.”

Going from anger to confusion to doubt to hurt was something Cam understood. He peered at Mina and blinked his good eye; the left eye still a testimony to goodness even as the right eye remained motionless and without sight; another testimony, but to the faith that overcame the loss. He leaned closer and took her hand; kissing it in blessing.

“I am completely confident that you’ll find a way to make this work,” he said as he nodded. She nodded back, slowly but without reluctance as she smiled and looked away; a gesture that spoke of hope as she raised her eyes and spoke silently.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home.
Until that day

---

---

The week before Christmas

“You don’t mind?”

“No…I understand,” Marty said with a soft laugh. It wasn’t time yet, and while Marty might find strength in the support of friends just like her, Mina wasn’t quite ready to meet anyone like herself. Time enough, since even as the doubts lingered, diminishing though they were, things would be halting with fits and starts and crying and perhaps even laughing as the couple moved forward as a family.

“Mommy?” the voice came from behind. One turned in response to a familiar cry. The other turning to the same familiar cry, but with a completely new understanding of the word.

“Can I stay up to watch the movie with you tonight?” Patty walked over and sat down between her parents. She looked at Marty and smiled; new and maybe even improved as they say, but still a bit confusing. And she looked at Mina with a plea. Mina nodded and smiled.

“Your meeting over by eight?”

“I’ll just go for a little while. I don’t want to miss the movie either, okay?” Marty sighed.

“That’s great Daddy. It’s still okay to call you Daddy, right?” Laura tilted her head and eyed Marty up and down. Marty wore a forest green waist-length jacket over a mint green top. This along with a dark brown faux-suede skirt over chocolate brown boots. Her hair was pulled back; displaying cross –shaped ear studs. A recent gift to celebrate her anniversary with Mina.

“It’s okay, honey,” Mina said as she kissed Laura on the cheek.

“And I’m really glad ‘Daddy’ will be home for the movie tonight. You go finish your homework, but….” She paused and smiled at Marty.

“Give her a kiss, okay?”

“Okay,” Patty said as she leaned over and kissed Marty. It was odd, and it was confusing, but it was just one more step everyone had taken in becoming just the family they were always meant to be.

---

---

Mickey stared at the screen; basking in the glow of pixels almost as illuminated by the dresses on the women as the light emanating from the laptop. Maybe now that her secret was out in the open, she could at least wear what she liked at ‘home,’ though it remained painfully clear that no matter how far she had come in the motion picture of life, it was still being directed by the expectations of others.

---

---

Elderwood Court, Virginia Beach, Virginia….

Mickey was weighed down by two secrets; one not so secretive anymore and one totally unknown to anyone but her and her creator.

First, the graduate program she attended was part of a school that crept at a glacier’s pace into the twenty-first century and being transgender might not be a problem with the Psych department, but would definitely not sit well with the University, since they didn’t quite get how a Christian school could actually display the love of Christ by accepting her.

And second? She had only summoned enough courage to reveal one secret to her roommates.

Two of them were in the school of Divinity; Joshua Benson; a pastor’s kid from South Carolina and Ben Hazlett; Mickey’s best friend from when they both did undergrad at Richmond.

The other maverick in the house was Tommy Casselotti; a film student from Delaware who had barely fit in as a recently returned-from-a-back-slidden period during his time at NYU. A breath of fresh air; non-judgmental, if a bit rough around the edges.

“Mickey? Do you want anything from Panera’s? We’re going to run over for some bagels or maybe a couple of breakfast sandwiches.” A familiar voice called from the hallway.

“Yeah….how about just a toasted ‘everything’ with cream cheese ….and Swiss?” Her answer was almost ridiculously high pitched if entirely authentic, but probably for someone other than herself, since even after sharing her secret with her friends, she still felt entirely inauthentic.

“Sure… there’s some coffee made from early this morning…but it’s pretty old. I’m getting some…. You want?”

“Dark no sugar?”

“Yeah. We’ll be back in about a half hour,” Tommy shouted from the doorway. Mickey looked over her shoulder at her closed bedroom door. She sighed and turned back to the lap top. Time enough later for surfing, she thought as she signed off.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you

Everyone in the house knew about Mickey; no secrets as far as who she was, even if it was a complete surprise at first. It seemed everyone was going out of their way to be accepting; but Mickey’s housemates seemed to have backed off contact in an effort to avoid saying the wrong thing. And Mickey didn’t really know what to do with that. Especially with Ben; her one-time best friend who now treated Mickey like she was radioactive. She stared down at her body. Barely any changes; and those were dragging on slowly after too many years of delay. She sighed.

“Big deal,” she said to herself, laughing at her image with a sarcasm which was best directed away from rather than toward her. Her choice, which really wasn’t a choice at all, left her confused and angry at herself. What good was it to go forward in the obvious part of her change if she was silent about the second? And what good was it to live her life finally as herself unless that life included Ben. She had to tell him.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I’m in love with you

Too many days had gone by without any significant conversation between her and Ben. And it had been hard enough revealing her transition. How would he react if he knew what else she had been harboring in her heart? Harboring? Odd, since her heart didn’t feel at all like a safe haven for her own feelings, much less for his. She caught her reflection in the darkened screen of the laptop. Closing her eyes, she mouthed silently,

“Please let him understand?”

Mickey bit her lip and opened her eyes; facing the same reflection that had prompted her prayer. Her hair was still fairly short, but almost pixie-ish, which suited her small frame. She shook her head. A face better suited to adorn a seventeen year old high school junior working the counter at Dunkin Donuts than for a college ‘woman’ pursuing a Master’s degree in social work. If she had trouble facing her own image, how much harder must it be for Ben?

I've known a secret for a week or two
Nobody knows, just we two

---

---

A short while later…

Mickey had settled on the large leather couch in the living room of the townhouse, awaiting the arrival of bagels, coffee, and awkward silence. While she was technically still a ‘boy,’ she was the first female addition to their ostensibly co-ed home. Two years already with most of the original tenants still in residence, save for Jerry Petrone; a recent graduate of the school of Divinity and on his way to a pastorate in Northern New York. She shook her head. She was still attending classes in drab; outing herself was a huge risk while she remained in the program, and the semester was hardly half over, which left her unable to transfer to Norfolk State for a while, should her secret become known to the school. A few moments later, she heard the sound of car doors closing and some laughter. And words.

“Jeez, Ben? I know he’s your friend, but just hanging around him could get you in trouble. I’m not prepared to see my place in school go south, and I’m thinking of moving over to the campus apartments just to be on the safe side.”

Joshua almost seemed to spit out his comment; leaving him sounding ironically hypocritical and leaving Mickey wondering how much deeper the resentment went without a word to her. The door opened and the three house-mates walked in. Tommy looked frustrated. Joshua looked anxious, but even worse, Ben just looked put out. Mickey stood up quickly to intercept them, all the while thinking,

“Listen, guys? I know this has to be hard on you. I’m probably in line for the old heave ho if the guys in admin find out about me, regardless of the ‘open door policy.’ I guess they’d rather have a non-believing Masters student in the psych program instead of a devout transsexual.”

She shook her head and blinked back tears. How many years had she withheld her own recognition of Mickey just to satisfy her parents and her church and God only knows whom else? And now, she was tempted to crawl back into her male shell just to make it work until graduation, which was nearly a year away unless she did transfer, but that still left her waiting out the end of the semester, which was almost two months away. She wouldn’t be forced to leave, but the department would probably be leaned upon to persuade her to withdraw before semester’s end by grading her work downward.

“Don’t leave on my account.” Joshua frowned.

“I’ve got nothing personal against you, but I’ve come too far just to see….” His voice trailed off and he looked away.

“No, Josh…I get it.” Mickey went to touch his arm in sympathy but pulled back. Tommy put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder and patted his back briefly before speaking.

“You do what you gotta do, Bro, but think about this? What kind of church will you want to run that shows the nice side just to the folks that agree with you? Some love of Christ, huh?” He shook his head and Joshua’s face darkened.

“Whom we associate with and whom we trust and befriend are off limits, as far as I’m concerned.” He turned to Mickey and smiled.

“I know this isn’t easy for you. I don’t know what the hell it’s all about, but I’ve known you long enough to trust your heart, br….sis.” He shifted gears roughly, but she smiled back. It wasn’t easy to absorb all this from the inside looking out, so she expected there would be glitches. She turned to Ben with a gaze that asked, ‘so what about you?’ His response was to look away quickly and to walk past Mickey down the hall to his room. She followed his progress right up to the moment where he literally slammed the door behind him; leaving her feeling embarrassed and even ashamed.

“Don’t mind him, either, Mick. He’s….” Tommy offered, but quickly backed off; shrugging as he spoke,

“ I guess you should ask him when you see him.”

“What?”

“Let it go for now, Mickey. He has to talk to you; it’s not for me to say. Besides? He can’t stay in his room forever, and sooner or later you guys have to talk. If you want, Josh and I can make ourselves scarce tonight? I’ve got a couple of tickets to the Admirals tonight, and we can commiserate about their lousy season while we talk about how Josh really wants to stay here and do the right thing,” Tommy laughed, staring at their roommate. Joshua shrugged his shoulders and sported a sheepish half-smile. Mickey nodded; an extension of forgiveness in a way since she wouldn’t blame the guy if he ran screaming from the house in fear over the risk of losing his salvation.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly and walked past her; his hand brushing her shoulder in apology. Tommy smiled and walked into the kitchen.

“There’s extra bagels if you get hungry later, okay?” He sat down and flipped the tab on his travel mug and took a swig of lukewarm coffee. She stood at the archway into the kitchen.

“Thanks.” She breathed out a sigh, wondering what the rest of the day would bring. And if she would still have a best friend after she shared her secret.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, ooo, ooo

---

---

That evening…

Mickey sat on the couch; Bible in her lap and her earphones only half on in anticipation of the sound of Ben walking down the hall. A few minutes later she heard the creak of the door followed by his footsteps. He walked into the kitchen and pulled a Coors out of the fridge.

“You want to talk?” Mickey said with a stammer. Ben shook his head slightly; the reluctance seeming to move steadily backward until he shook his head again; more emphatically.

“Nothing to talk about. You’re choosing to do this, and I can’t really stop you, now can I?” His words were cold and almost emotionless except for the last few. She shook her head and lowered her gaze. Whatever friendship was left had assumed the form of ‘love the sinner and hate the sin,’ and he was hardly prepared for what she wanted to say. He filled in the blanks for her in spite of his reticence to talk.

“I don’t like this one bit. I thought we were friends,” he spat, missing the irony of the moment. As if he was the injured party in an accident that never happened. The sudden realization of entitlement outweighed any resemblance of civility.

“You threw it away, BRO.” Up to that point, Mickey had done as much as she could to keep quiet; the need to be as complacent as possible to persuade him over something with which he really had no say. Her silence was broken by a single gasp, followed by the sound of her running down the hallway. No door slam; she didn’t even bother to close it behind her as she fell upon her bed, sobbing. She buried her face in the pillow, even as her own thoughts condemned her weeping as what Ben had already referred to as passive-aggressive. A few moments later the obligatory door slam came from the front hallway as Ben retreated from his friendship with her.

---

---

An hour later….

“Ben? Mickey?” Tommy called out from down the hall. He turned and looked into the darkened living room, expecting to see one or both of them.

“His car’s gone, Tom….I think he’s probably….” Joshua said weakly, feeling the guilt of enabling the ignorance of the day to fill the house. Tommy turned and nodded.

“Yeah….”

“I’m going to run out to Food Lion. Maybe you…”

“I’ll go check on her,” Tommy nodded as he walked down the hall while Joshua headed back out . Mickey's door was mostly closed, with no light coming from the room. He knocked on the door jamb.

“You wanna talk?”

“No….please….”

“It’s just that ….I’m sorry,” he said firmly.

“What for? It’s not your fault I’m a freak.” She sat up on her bed and the light from the hallway illuminated her face; red and puffy. Tommy stepped closer to the door; pushing it open further.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt. And you’re not a freak.”

‘Tell that to everybody else, Tom…. Just go away, okay?” Her words weren’t so much demanding as they were in petition. He pushed the door even more; and the light from the hallway backlit his head, revealing a halo of sorts.

“I’ll leave you alone if you give me a couple of moments, alright?” She went to speak and he waved.

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone. Period! You don’t need me telling you what to do and certainly don’t need any more expectations put on you. We can talk or not when you’re ready, Mick…. I’m so sorry,” he said. He turned and went to leave but she called out.

“Tommy? Why am I so wrong? What did I do to make God punish me this way?” She cried just a bit wanting to maintain what little dignity she had left.

“I’m not a Bible scholar like my friends here,“ he said, using his arm to indicate Joshua’s and Ben’s rooms.

“But I know a bit…. I guess why I’m here?” He might have meant at the school, but really the director in their play was calling for another take on the script for the one Communication student in the house.

“Something about being born so that God could show his glory? I’m not quite sure where that is, but I know it had to do with the man who was born blind….no sin….no fault? Maybe you’re the way you are because God wanted it that way? Wanted you to be …. Oh, damn, Mick. I don’t know, but I know that you’d know better than anyone else what’s best for you. Not Josh… not even your best fucking friend.” He winced at the last words; not wanting to be profane was part of it, but more so because he didn’t want to get in the way of whatever was left between Mickey and Ben.

She gasped, but collected herself enough to nod before bursting into tears. Tommy pushed the door open the rest of the way, leaving Mickey bathed in light. He walked slowly to her bed and sat down beside her; pulling her into a semi-awkward hug. She went to pull away; the conditioning of years of feeling unworthy to lead a life she hoped for herself. He pulled her closer despite the physical protests.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t let the bastards win.” An old expression meant in general, but even more so in specific as he continued.

“No one should ever be abandoned. You’ve know Ben since before undergrad, and here you are sitting on your bed crying and he’s off God only knows where having a fucking pity party.” He winced at the expletive and turned away. He wasn’t terribly hung up on propriety for propriety’s sake, but he also knew that Mickey was as reserved and shy a person as he’d ever met in his new foray into an old, long-dormant faith.

“I’m sorry for the words. I don’t want to be angry, but I am, and I guess I’m just not used to holding my tongue like everyone else. But I’m not sorry that I’m upset for you,” his voice trailed off, but he turned again to face her.

“The jerk might come around eventually, but he doesn’t deserve your friendship. You’re too …” he stammered.

“He’s doing the best he can.” She protested as her sobs subsided. Tommy shook his head.

“No, Mick. He’s doing what he chooses to do. A friend doesn’t make conditions. You don’t deserve to have that hanging over you on top of all the other stuff you’re facing. It’s just not right,” Tommy sighed, and his voice seemed to hoarsen a bit as the emotion of her moment seemed to invade his speech.

“He’s trying.”

“No…. Not really. If he really cared, he’d be sitting here instead of me,” he breathed out a frustrated breath.

“You don’t want to be here, do you,” Mickey asked. Tommy shook his head, but it wasn’t in answer to her question but instead in answer to his own.

“I….I don’t….mind….Mick….I’m just sorry you’re hurt and that you wouldn’t be if he’d paid attention….if he cared about you the way….” She looked at him almost sideways. His face was toward the hallway and she noticed the tears streaming down his face.

“I…I don’t understand….” She said softly even as her own tears began to abate. She sighed, feeling fearful that what she thought she did understand was both true and untrue at the same time.

“Just….forget it, Mick…. I’m sorry.” He apologized once again; the only one of her three roommates that actually owed her no apology. She put her hand on his arm and he went to pull away, but she held tight; her turn to steer the conversation, so to speak. He faced her and half-smiled.

“Really…. I’m sorry.” He protested again. The swing in the roles had completed, and it was his turn to feel unworthy.

“What…what are you saying?” Her words were halting; the continuing fears of being right or being wrong both playing tug-of-war with her heart once again. He took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m saying I …I want to be that friend for you, Mick….” He paused and gasped.

“I…. I have a secret….” By then it was hardly a secret, and really should never have been one to begin with. His regard for everyone had been well defined and distributed to everyone he knew, but in that moment she realized just how much he really cared.

“You…..you….” She stammered. He took another breath, diving deeper into the pool of risky confession as he smiled.

“Yes….like….since I moved in.”

“B…before….” She looked down at herself, recalling the newness of her revelation to her roommates.

“Yes….even before….I think….oh fuck….” His face grew red with shame; not from his feelings but his inability to be what the moment called for in expressing them.

“You knew even before I said…. before I told? You knew?”

“That you should have….that you …..? When you told us, I wasn’t surprised….mostly.” He shook his head but continued.

“What surprised me was how I felt….not that there was anything wrong with it, but that I felt bad…. Like even in….. That I was intruding somehow between you and Ben just by….” He choked up.

“By liking me?” She really meant it in the platonic sense, since she was still convinced that anything beyond that was reserved for others.

“You…. liking you? No, Mick. Not liking you.” He sighed and she frowned. Tears began to spill even as those feelings of being unworthy began to insert themselves between her and Tommy. He shook his head and spoke; gently and firmly as he touched her cheek.

“No…. Mick? Not just liking you…..luh…..”

“You…you love me?” Her words were halting as well. He nodded and smiled weakly.

“You…you love me?” She repeated. He nodded more deliberately and surprised them both as he drew closer. He meant to kiss her cheek; bestowing at least the tentative beginnings of a new friendship, but the director in the piece had something else in mind, it seemed. As he leaned closer, the bed sagged just a bit, and his aim was off enough to change his direction; leaving him to kiss her full on the lips. The first time Mickey had ever been kissed. She pulled back slightly, and while it would have been altogether romantic and pleasant and hopeful for the moment had she reciprocated, she just burst into tears instead.

‘I’m…I’m so sorry,” Tommy apologized, but she smiled weakly through her tears as she shook her head no. He needn’t have been sorry, but just for that one moment, a good cry over unexpected love was just what the director had designed, and she settled into his arms for the best cry she would ever have. He kissed her forehead and cheek; a blessing neither of them felt at the moment they deserved, but the beginning of what some might say was a beautiful and very, very long friendship with no more secrets.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, ooo, ooo

---

---

Linda Johnstun Dance-School, Price, Utah, 2007…

Ali O’Hara watched as the two girls held hands, waiting anxiously. It wasn’t a real competition. Keely was just helping out; Megan’s partner had been in a bike accident the day before, and while it wasn’t serious, it rendered Craig unable to dance with Megan to qualify . Keely stepped in, no pun intended and their Cha Cha was at least the fourth best dance of the afternoon. The beginnings of rivalries had already begun to intrude into the innocence of the art, but not for Megan and her best friend.

‘Thank you,” Megan’s mother said to Ali.

“Megan has been looking forward to this, and just to be able to dance today was a real blessing.”

“Keely would do anything for Megan.” Ali said, looking over at the girls. The two were still holding hands and swinging their legs on the tall bench.

“I’m very grateful. And I’m glad Jeanelle encouraged Keely to be her partner. I was worried when none of the boys offered to help, but I guess they want to see their partners win.” Even at twelve, the competition was determined; albeit with most of the determination coming from the parents.

“I suppose you think you did a good thing,’ a voice came from off to the side; a whisper loud enough to be heard by the girls, but missed by their parents.

“I’m just happy to be here, Tiff.”

“Oh, really? I heard you and Bobby were going to beat me and Danny. You bragging sorta makes you a liar” Tiffany huffed.

“Bobby said that. Megan thinks you should win, Tiff. Me too.”

“Oh, that’s really rich coming from a freak, right?” Tiffany glowered and looked around the room.

“Hey, I got an idea. Let’s tell everybody just what a great partner Megan has!” She laughed before walking into the open space on the dance floor, pushing past some of the other children who were talking with their parents.

“Hey, everybody?” She shouted. Heads turned and all eyes gazed at the girl in the middle of the room.

“Guess what? Megan didn’t need permission to dance with a girl for the competition.” She turned and faced the two girls sitting on the bench. Megan’s eyes widened in puzzlement even as Keely’s eyes turned away and her face turned a very dark crimson. Ali went to speak, holding her hand out in a vain effort to silence the girl.

“Keely isn’t a girl. Keely is a boy. His mom and he live near my cousin’s house and he goes to ………” She smirked.

“Oh dear god!”

“What?”

“Are you serious?”

“No, she’s just making a joke.”

“Ali? What about this? She’s joking right? Tell me your daughter isn’t some….” The woman’s voice trailed off as Keely got off the bench and ran to the exit. She turned and mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry,’ before running out the door and down the stairs and out to the street. Ali turned and spoke softly.

“I’m…I’m so sorry.” The words meant little as nearly every single person turned away as she ran out to comfort her child. Her only child. Her son.

---

---

The D'Amore home, a few days later....

Ali sat on the couch. Her bible sat next to her opened and face down. Her face was pink; a small recovery for the day after spending the last several nights crying and crying out in prayer. A soft rap came at the door. She got up and walked over and opened the door to find Megan standing almost hidden around the corner on the landing.

“Oh, honey. I’m so glad you’re here. She’s….” Just the thought of her daughter set Ali to crying all over again. She reached out and welcomed the girl with a hug, but had little strength. Megan patted her on the back.

“She’s been in her room since…. She won’t come out. She’s already too ashamed, but…..” Ali looked down the hall and burst into tears. Megan squeezed her hand and walked toward Dale’s room. A moment later she stood at the door; her face a mixture of shock and sadness.

Keely sat on her bed. What little hair she did have was nearly all gone in a self-inflicted shearing; more of a long crew cut, but decidedly not what the girl had worn only days before. Megan tried to stifle a gasp, but her near-sob startled Keely and she shook her head at Megan’s presence.

“Go away. You don’t want to be near me…. Everybody will hate you,” Keely sighed. The now-boyish friend shook her head and pointed in the direction of the front of the house.

“I can’t…..” Megan’s face was red and puffy. Keely looked at her and turned away.

“Go ahead. Everybody else hates me.” Keely pointed toward the still-open door. Megan stepped closer and pulled Keely’s face toward hers.

“No…. I can’t….. Mommy found a place in Orem that will ….. We’re moving.” Keely stared into her eyes and shrugged.

“Same thing. You’re going and I won’t have any friends.” She bit her lip and tears fell freely as she turned away once again.

“No, Keely. You’re my friend. You’ll always be my friend. We can write. We can call. I can visit.”

“No. I….. I don’t want you to get….”

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks, Keely. You’re my best girl and you always will be.”

“Tell that to the rest of our friends, Megan. I’m just a boy to them. Nobody but you has even bothered to even call. My mom has been crying since this whole thing happened, and I just have to forget about it. We’ll probably move, too, but don’t worry. We’ll probably end up in North Dakota somewhere; really far from anyone who knows. Maybe I can grow up away from people, you know? Where nobody will have me.”

“Oh, Keely? I hate this. Just when you need me the most.”

“What makes you different from anybody else? My dad went away and never came back. My big brother went to Iraq and he never came back. People go. So what?” Keely began to sob. Megan put her hand on Keely’s shoulder and she shrugged it off.

“Just go, Megan. Please?” She hesitated even as her hand pulled away. Stepping close, she kissed her on the cheek and their tears mingled; a sad take on an old Indian rite, but with tears mixed together as ‘blood sisters.’

“I’ll …..You’re still my sister, no matter what anybody says.” She backed away and fled through the open door’ her sobs echoing down the hallway. Keely turned and faced the doorway and sighed. She would always be in Keely’s heart; as a friend and as a sister, but never ever more than that. Puppy love comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors, in a way, and most little girls never get to grow up to marry the little boy they loved, much less a little girl. It was only a crush, but it would sting and bite and ache for a very long time.

“Bye…..” The girl sighed before falling face forward into her pillow; sobbing enough to shake the bed.

---

---

Years later, Hollywood, California….

Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me

I don't want to kiss or hold your hand
If it's funny try and understand
There is really nothing else I'd rather do
Cos I'm happy just to dance with you

“Megan?” Derek Hough walked over to the young woman who was limbering up in front of the ‘spontaneous’ video shoot. He held up his hand.

“Take ten, Jacqui?” The woman nodded and turned off the camera and laid it in the case on the table by the door.

“We’ve got a really unique opportunity here, and Rob thought of you.” Derek smiled and used his arm in a broad gesture that indicated much more than just the practice floor.

“This is something they’ve been kicking around for a while since they did it over in Israel. Pretty interesting, since that’s the last place you’d expect them to come up with such a novel…. approach.” He chuckled at the thought and continued.

“Since they already had Michael Sam on the show and Chaz Bono, they’ve been mulling the idea about something a bit different. And Rob thought you’d be perfect, since apparently you already know the star in question?” He nodded slightly and pulled out his cell phone, producing a picture of one of the celebs the producers were considering.

“Keely O’Hara, from Future Perfect on SyFy? She’s about as unique as they come.” The picture revealed a petite brunette in costume as the time traveling woman from the near future.

“Since the acceptance of Transparent and Orange is the New Black the network has been looking at a jumping off point, and she fits the bill,” Derek paused as Megan stared at the phone; her mouth open in a surprised if pleasant gape.

“NO! It can’t be….” Megan thought. Not a denial so much as a “I hope I’m not wrong” no. Derek put his hand on Megan’s shoulder.

“She called me last night with her answer, but before I tell you, she said to ask you whatever happened to Tiffany? What does that mean to you?”

“Uh….” Megan thought back to the final days before she and her mother moved to Orem. Tiffany might have grown up just as mean or meaner than that sad afternoon but for a car accident that took her chances of dancing away; leaving her with a prosthetic leg and a heart to see others like her recover.

“She’s an orthopedic surgeon in Provo. We write all the time and Skype as well.” She thought about the question and her ‘no’ became a very loud and joyous yes.

“I….it’s been…..”

“Yeah, I know. Julianne filled me in about your breakup last year with Nancy. It must have hurt so bad?” Megan had know the Houghs since back when she was a teen, and they kept no secrets

“Who knows? Maybe things are looking up?” He rubbed her back before giving her a hug. Waving to Jacqui, he squeezed Megan’s hand and walked out of the room, leaving them to do some bio stuff for the Dancing with the Stars website.

---

---

Two weeks later….

Megan sat on a sofa in the green room back stage at Jimmy Kimmel’s studio. She was going to be the second guest; following the first by only a few minutes. She downed her second Diet Pepsi before standing up at the stagehand’s cue. A moment later she was hugging and kissing Kimmel before sitting down next to Jimmy’s first guest; Keely O’Hara.

The segment went quickly with her nodding and smiling nervously while struggling to remember what she and Kimmel talked about in rehearsal. But the nerves seem to disappear as Keely reached over and grabbed Megan’s right hand; squeezing it gently and smiling with the same beaming smile that led to the life-long girl crush. A few more moments and the band played a segue as the show went to commercial.

“I don’t care if I’m the first one voted off.” Keely said in an almost whisper; hard enough to hear over the noise in the studio between the band and the audience. Megan turned to face Keely finding a face filled with hope and love and likely the first if perhaps only person ever to cry on the show. She fought off the emotion long enough to acknowledge Jimmy’s thanks and another segue into the musical act.

---

---

ABC studios, three weeks later….

The music blared loudly; the signature theme of the show playing as the two walked briskly down the steps of the set; a historical moment for the show as the announcer spoke their names.

“Keely O’Hara and her partner, Megan D’Amore.” And in a way, the introduction was a foreshadow of things to come. They lasted until the fourth week; leaving after a tentative Pasodoble due to a pulled calf-muscle coupled with an uncharacteristic case of nervous mistakes on Megan’s part and a very nervous if understandable misstep or two by Keely owing to the news that got out on TMZ the day before taping. That Megan D’Amore and Keely O’Hara had decided that being partners should not be limited to the dance floor.

Sometimes little girls grow up and do get to see their dreams come true, yes?

I don't want to kiss or hold your hand
If it's funny try and understand
There is really nothing else I'd rather do
Cos I'm happy just to dance with you

Cos I'm happy just to dance with you

---

---

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps

---

---

Paterson, New Jersey, 2018

Two figures sat in the darkened patrol car as the sun rose over the line of buildings in the strip mall. Almost time to call it quits, which was sadly ironic.

“You still taking lessons?” Rocco turned to his partner; his expression a mask of disinterest that belied his question.

Andi smiled at her partner and sighed. She had been lamenting her lost youth and was dealing with a pre-midlife crisis that included regrets and disappointments. Taking guitar lessons was a means of re-booting the past.

“I… I’m not sure if it’s really worth it, after all,” she said as she leaned out the window of the patrol car. Andi touched Rocco’s shoulder, evoking a wince.

“Making up for lost time doesn’t quite work, huh?” He snapped. She pulled her hand back in embarrassment as she tried to stay attentive, as he turned his head away.

“No. It doesn’t. Let’s change the subject, shall we?” He said without looking at her. Why so angry?

“Sorry…” she shrugged her shoulders at his back in a vain attempt at an apology. He turned and faced her.

“Yeah. I guess you are.” He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street, leaving her wondering just how much her presence upset him, and why. And she sighed; her head turned against the car window as she realized just how much she wanted to make up for lost time.

---

---

A few days later…

They sat in the patrol car in the station lot. Andi was leaning against the window; her head resting against the cool of the glass in a vain hope of making the pain go away. Rocco seemed to retreat into the other side of the patrol car; as if Andi’s hurt was catching. He glared at her in a final culmination of disdain for his partner.

“You just had to, didn’t you?” Rocco snapped at her. She looked down at herself in embarrassment. What had really changed? Her hair was still short and she was still way too tall for her liking. The only redeeming feature she valued was a detriment up to that point, since her fellow officers often failed to take her seriously; owing to her baby face. Oh well; what was bad only several months before was one of the few things she could point to now that she was back on the job as Officer Andi rather than Andrew McCullough.

“Yes, Officer Bartimaleo. It was either this or a dead partner, so please don’t get so indignant.”

“I don’t buy it. Some doctor waves his hand over you and you’re a girl?”

“Get with the program, Rocco. I’ve known since I was seven. It’s only now after what we….”

“You save my life and suddenly it’s all brand new? You’re a girl because….you finally got some stones?”

“Are you serious? I’m not making a big deal about it. But when I thought you’d …. It made me think.”

“So I’m that important to you? I don’t buy that either. You just want an excuse. You’re weak and you can’t cut it, so you hide. Right? Admit it. I’m right.”

“Okay,” she said as tears welled up quickly.

“You’re right. I am weak. I’m a poor excuse for a police officer. And a human being.” She opened the car door and stepped out.

“You don’t have to worry about working with me anymore. I put in my transfer. No more need to put on a brave face to deal with the abomination riding shotgun.”

“Good. You don’t belong in uniform. Maybe a desk job will do you good,” he laughed.

“Two words for you, Officer Bartimaleo.”

“Yeah, Fuck you too,” he snapped. She frowned and shook her head; the preface probably provoked his response, but all she wanted to do was to say good bye. She put her head down slightly and walked away.

---

---

A few weeks later…

“Officer McCullough? You know Smitty here?” Sgt. Mendelsohn used his hand to indicate the woman standing at his side.

“Hello? Candace, right?” Andi said. A very kind looking and even more out-of-place looking woman stood next to Mendelsohn; petite with auburn hair in a tight, professional bun and a toothy grin.

“Yeeehhhs….”

“A bit more confidence might be helpful here, Officer Smith, yes?” Mendelsohn kidded. The woman shuddered a bit.

“I’m sorry, Sarge.” The nerves were a particularly annoying companion to Smitty’s daily routine, but no more than any other rookie. She smiled and he nodded back.

“You’ll be okay. McCullough is fair and firm.” Andi’s eyes widened in surprise at the endorsement. A welcome encouragement considering how Rocco had treated her only weeks before. She had gone through three ‘partners’ in the interim, with all three begging off with little explanation to her and probably a great deal of mewling to Sgt. Mendelsohn.

“Well, Andi, we have to find someone willing to work with you,” he said sarcastically. He quickly added,

“I’m sorry it’s been such a shitty month for you. You’re about as good as they come, and if I could, I’d kick all of their asses; it’s probably where they do most of their thinking anyway.” Andi found herself more than a bit vulnerable from the support, as odd as that sounds. Mendelsohn was not only fair, but a very passionate and compassionate man and likely would have made a good dad had he ever been inclined enough to get married. She resisted the urge to cry; another temptation that plagued her as things inside were sorting themselves out.

“Smitty here isn’t shy; she’s just transferred in after some idiots in her last job decided they didn’t like riding with a woman. Imagine that. Time warp to the 1950’s?” Candace shrugged and smiled, and Andi tilted her head. Oopsies. Not again…. Too soon after her breakup with her girlfriend and way too soon when her career was banging hard against other conventions less obvious if still painfully ignorant.

“I hope you don’t mind? Sarge here tells me you’re trans.” Her voice was almost nonchalant, but Andi’s response was anything but. She turned her head slightly and glared at Mendelsohn.

“I’m sorry you have to put up with such bullshit, but I guess that’s what all of us deal with, present company excluded,” Candace said with a sideways grin toward Mendelsohn.

“My mother always said it’s not where you start but where you finish that counts, right?” She nodded in encouragement and Andi nodded back reflexively; not knowing at all why she agreed.

“I guess the bottom line is, I’m very glad to meet you and glad to be working with you as well. I hope we can be friends. From everything Sarge tells me, I trust you already. I hope I can gain your trust too?” She put out her hand and Andi shook it. Whatever had floated around in Officer Smith’s dryer with her uniform powered up a static spark; leaving both women surprised.

---

---

The next several weeks went along unremarkably save for collar of a B&E caught in the act. Just the day-to-day routine that seemed to quickly cement their relationship;purely professional of course, Andi believed.

---

---

She sat on the stoop of her apartment doorway; a passive-aggressive moment for sure, since she wanted to be affirmed and yet feared calling attention to herself. She picked up the Martin; seldom used since her teens but still hardly out of tune. After a few moments of tweaking the strings, she put her hands in place and played the old Harrison tune. In a short while, she had regained at least the form she had mastered years ago, but still felt inadequate; especially considering she loved the song and the singer.

“Nice,” a voice came from off to her left. She lifted her head to find Candace Smith standing on the stoop two doors down. Much different than her usual do and duds; she wore tight jeans and a dark blue sleeveless top. Her hair was down and loose and looking a tad wild.

“You live here?” Andi’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Just moved in yesterday; my brother is sub-letting with the landlord’s okay while he’s in Germany for his job.” Andi nodded awkwardly. One and even two shifts a day with the woman and now she was a neighbor. Andi stood up and walked over; forgetting she was holding the guitar.

“Having trouble with those sevenths? It’s not a perfect fit, but you can play a natural there or just rest through the reverb…. You know? Let the last chord just …you know….sustain?”

“You know your stuff, partner.”

“I played in a band in high school and I had been tutoring up til I got out of the academy.”

“Ah…Renaissance Cop?” Andi regretted the jest even as the words escaped her lips but Candace just smiled.

“It’s why I get the big money,” she laughed. Andi felt a chill run up and down her spine.

“Here…Let me show you….” She held out her hands and Andi placed the guitar in the woman’s grasp; no mean feat considering the past few months had shoved very hard against Andi’s trust issues. As the exchange took place, Andi’s hand brushed against the soft down on Candace’s wrist; evoking a shock quite like the one that shot through them the day they met.

“I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping while my guitar gently weeps…. I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping…Still my guitar gently weeps,” Candace sang even before she began playing.

After a few bars she smiled and began to play; weaving in and out of the song with much more improv than Andi could even dream to manage. Andi put her head down; a feeling of frustration wrapped around needless shame grabbed her. The music stopped abruptly and she felt her partner’s hand touch her face softly.

“I have to tell you. I put in my transfer,” she said slowly; almost deliberate and vague. Andi nodded her head without raising her gaze.

“I…I understand.”

“No, Andi, I don’t think you do,” she said; softly laying her hand on the curve between Andi’s neck and shoulder, which evoked another wince.

“I can’t very well live near you and work with you and seduce you, now can I. Since the apartment is dirt cheap and they have plenty of things I can do across town?” Andi tilted her head; confused.

“Are we friends?” It almost seemed too soon but for the quick bond they had developed. Andi nodded.

“Do you like me?” She smiled with a very wry grin. Andi tilted her head again.

“Yeehesss?” Andi said, almost echoing the first word Candace had uttered when they met..

“Well then….” Candace stepped back and cradled the Martin once again.

“I look at the world and I notice it's turning while my guitar gently weeps…. With every mistake we must surely be learning… Still my guitar gently weeps.” She grinned a toothy grin.

“I’m sorry, Andi, but I don’t have time to play the games we’re stuck playing.”

‘But I’m…. I’m….” All the shame and disappointment that had been festering for months came spilling out in a flood of tears.

“With every mistake we must surely be learning? My mistake may be that I’m too damn impatient. Yours is easy. You’re too damned hard on yourself. Between us we can fix what ails us. Let me start?” Candace laid the Martin gently on the stoop behind her and pulled Andi into a comforting embrace.

A door opened up from the unit between their two apartments and a nice man in his eighties - very Italian looking - stepped out with frisky Corgi on a leash. He looked over at the two and smiled and winked and walked past them up the sidewalk and around the corner.

“I’m so sorry for being so abrupt, but to quote the movie, you had me at hello.” Andi looked at her in disbelief, which evoked another grin and a nod from Candace.

“But…”

“But what? I already know about you. And I’m here. For whatever reason, Goddess knows we needed to find each other. I didn’t plan this. My brother came to me out of the blue, and it wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that I realized we would be neighbors. So I’m going to find a nice guy or gal I can ride with to serve and protect out there. The only question remains; is can I serve and protect you in here?”

She patted Andi’s chest over her heart and pulled Andi into another hug, but continued by kissing her with way more affection than any two police officers had ever displayed in Paterson, New Jersey. And as they kissed the old man came around the corner with his Corgi practically skipping past the two. He winked at Candace and Andi and smiled.

“Ah, Amore; Amore bello,” he said with a soft chuckle before he walked up the steps and into his apartment.

“Andi?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s go make some music!”

---

---

Little darling
It's been a long, cold lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

---

---

Montville, New Jersey, 2017

Emma leaned against the chain link fence. The sun was barely emerging from behind grey clouds and she had drawn up her coat to ward off the rare cold weather of the June afternoon. Few people were left in the stands; the outcome of the game over in the fourth inning when the other school scored seven runs to add to an already wide lead. Only a few outs left; and then just two more games in a season that was essentially finished in late April.

“Get a hit,” someone shouted as the tall boy approached the plate. He turned back to the stands and noticed her by the dugout fence. Waving once, he pivoted and focused on the pitcher. The girl sent up a silent prayer that was met with ‘Strike one,’ as the ball cut the heart of the plate. Without a word, the boy shrugged and dug in his heels. The next pitch came in only a bit lower than the first, but still over the plate. The boy golfed the ball into the left field seats, reducing the deficit to 12 to 2.

As the boy headed back to the dugout he waved once again. The girl blushed; leaving her face an even darker pink than from the cold. She walked over to the bleachers and sat down.

“Your boyfriend?” The woman behind her asked. The girl shook her head no, but the denial was only in the reality and not the dream. If only she could tell him how much she cared. But before she could tell him how much she cared, she had to tell him who she was.

---

---

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

At the Montville High School cafeteria the next day…

Nate sat alone at a table near the far wall of the cafeteria, barely bothering with his lunch. Emma walked over and sat down across the table; a nervous look spreading across her face. She gazed down at herself in self-inspection. As much as she tried, she failed miserably in trusting any of her instincts; even to the point of feeling inauthentic despite her mother’s encouragement to the contrary. She might not look like she stepped off of a Kohl’s ad or Marshall’s commercial but the assistance she received from her doctor helped her look as attractive as most girls her age.

“Hi,” she said weakly. He looked up from the food tray and smiled at her but his greeting echoed hers.

“Uh…hiii.”

“You really hit that homer, Nate….” She wanted to jump far past the small talk, but her nerves left her feeling insecure and scared. Innocuous was much safer than what was really on her heart.

“It’s my fault we lost,” he said, lowering his face.

“If I hadn’t missed the fly ball in the fourth….”

“Tailing away and opposite field, Nate.”

“Still…. Two strikeouts,” he continued.

“The team only had three hits and you had one of them. Everybody….” She wouldn’t think to blame anyone else on the team, but it hurt her to see him beat himself up. He was much better than he believed, and the only one who truly believed in Nate sat across the table from him, hoping that he might mirror her acceptance.

“And you’re the best outfielder, no matter what happened yesterday. I ….” She wanted to go on, but even being his advocate felt wrong. That she had no right to validate him when she couldn’t validate herself.

“It’s okay, Emma. I’m just…you know….” Even talented young men with skills in sports and other endeavors can struggle with self-esteem. Baseball had become yet one more attempt for Nate to prove himself to a demanding father. The girls in school may have thought he was something, but even with the help of a good therapist, he still felt he was nothing.

“I’m working on it, Em….But thanks for reminding me.” He smiled again and the girl turned away; feigning a cough. She could hardly look at him without thinking of her own lack. Hard enough to be close to someone who was popular, but almost impossible to hope for when she had a secret she could keep and lose him before things ever started or share the secret and lose him anyway. She blushed.

“Seriously, Em. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Dad grabbed me after the game and did what he always does. I try, but I know I can never make him happy, you know?”

Of course she knew. Struggles with acceptance from her own father had settled themselves as he finally came to believe her, but not before the rejection had done its damage. She nodded weakly in agreement. She wanted so much to tell him what a wonderful boy he was, but how could she even approach him without revealing her past? And every day pushed her further away from her own truth into a story that had become a tale which became a lie.

“I’ve… I’ve got to get to class,” Emma said as she stood up. Another game beckoned that afternoon, leaving the boy likely trying too hard to please and maybe succeeding just enough to help his team… but not enough to please his father. She looked at him almost sideways as he lowered his head, wanting so much to hold him and wanting so much not to be held. Two people needing love and feeling unlovable.

---

---

The Pedroia home; the following evening…

Nate sat at his desk; laptop opened to a Shakespearean Plays website.

“You’ve got to get a better jump on things, Nate,” Jack Pedroia said as he glared at the paper in his hands. Statistics so finely distilled as to make a sportswriter blush in embarrassment. He pointed to the paper.

“You’ve still got a chance to be named All-County. What’s wrong with you?” Nate half-shrugged; a gesture that provoked an even angrier glare from his father.

“You’ve got it all in front of you, and you’re wasting it. You still hanging out with the Ramius girl? What the hell is that all about? “

“She’s just a friend, Dad. Nothing more.”

“Well, see to it that’s all it is, Nate. Too much to lose, “his father snapped harshly before walking out. Nate stared at the laptop screen, wishing he could do a web search on how to share a secret. He bit his lip in frustration. A very brave boy facing a world of doubt in the midst of dreams that his father would never understand and hopes he never could bring himself to believe.

---

---

The next afternoon at the Ramius home…

“Mom?” Emma’s voice was almost timid. Lindsey looked up from her magazine and smiled.

“What, honey?” The endearment provided warmth in an otherwise cool day.

“I can’t….” She put her head down. Lindsey grabbed her wrist and gently urged her to the couch beside her.

“You have every right, Em…. Every right.” Lindsey rubbed the girl’s arm softly.

“I….I know… But….” She paused. Looking down, she did another self-check. Lindsey grabbed her face with both hands and gently but firmly pulled her face up and around.

“You do not have to do that. No matter what hasn’t been done yet or what needs to be… You’re my daughter. Daddy…” Lindsey sighed and blinked back tears. Even healed wounds often bear scars. She loved her husband and he loved her and Emma, but his actions early on left the girl still fighting against old ghosts that he had dragged into the house with his stubborn pride. That he changed was a supreme blessing, but that he had to change in the first place left the girl still filled with self-doubt that she was only just now beginning to overcome.

“We love our girl, honey. Your sister loves you. Your brother loves you. You have to…. You have to love yourself.” Her voice was urgent but not forceful; the bearer of important, freeing news. Emma nodded slowly even as the tears fell freely from her face.

“I… Mommy…. What do I tell him? How can I even….”

“Sweetie? I…. When I met your Dad, I was already primed to be disappointed. The boy across the street had already made it very clear he didn’t like me and my best friend’s brother told me how stupid I looked. But I still was able to see …. I was still able to see me better than them… I wasn’t the prettiest girl on the block, but I was pretty.”

“But…. That’s just it, Mom…. You’re pretty…. I’m just a….”

“No… don’t, Emma.” It wasn’t a rebuke but a timely reminder urged by a very good woman who worked with all of them to mend the rips in the family fabric. A gentle word to help Emma recall that she wasn’t a boy at all, and that it was not just okay, but imperative that she understand who she was in the scheme of things in her own life and in the lives of others.

“Alec Ramius is inside of you, honey, but you’re Emma Ramius. And you have every right to be Emma Ramius. You may one day find that you need to tell someone about Alec, but Emma is the one everyone else needs to know, okay? No fears, honey, no matter what. You’re my baby, honey, but you’re not a helpless kid. You’re my daughter and you always will be my daughter….Our daughter….” Lindsey let go of Emma’s face and wiped her own tears away with her sweater sleeve.

“I… I know. I’m just so scared.” To be exposed was a great fear; perhaps as strong as most of the dread and doubts she shared with the women in her on-line support group. But it was the fear of being rejected that we all share that drove her actions…. The timidity to approach a boy who had accepted her the very first day they met after they moved into town. The boy who had doubts of his own that seemed to parallel hers. It wasn’t a fear driven by Alec Ramius wanting to remain hidden but the fear that Emma Ramius couldn’t hide that drove her doubts.

“Just one step at a time. Tell him that you want to get to know him… more. It’s going to hurt like hell if he says no, Em, but it may hurt even more…. It will hurt even more if you never tell him.” She squeezed the girl’s hands and then pulled her close; kissing her on the forehead in blessing.’’

“We’re here for you, Em. All of us.” They both turned at once and looked at the picture on the mantle. The last picture of the entire family before Nick had deployed for the final time. Too much loss after a tearful farewell when Nick finally called his youngest child by her real name; making the words even more bittersweet since it was the last word she would hear from him in this lifetime.

---

---

The next afternoon at the field…

Nate stood at the plate, shaking nervously. Jack had the afternoon off, and had been leaning hard on Nate the whole game. He looked over in the stands and spotted his father waving, but his expression was anything but warm. At that point nothing would make Jack happy with his son. Nate sighed.

“You want to take a time out? We can get one of the girls from the stands to throw underhanded,” the catcher laughed. Nate turned back again. His father was nowhere to be seen in the dwindling crowd. But as he went to turn back to the game, he saw Emma sitting on the edge of the first row of bleachers. She waved and flashed a big smile. Nate waved back.

“Hey kid…we don’t have all day?” The umpire said with a tap on Nate’s shoulder. He turned once again and dug in. The next pitch came over outside but still waist high. He lofted the ball to right field and it banged off the fence and rolled around and past the diving right fielder. The boy recovered in time to throw the ball to the cutoff man. He spun and threw a dart to the third baseman, who tagged Nate out , but not before the go ahead run scored. Nate stood up and ran off the field. His teammates stood and cheered. His father stood by the steps leading into the dugout.

“What the hell were you thinking? You stop at second and a hit gets you in, right? Damn it!” Jack said it loud enough for everyone to hear. The boy turned and faced his father and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“It better not!” Jack snapped at Nate, who walked slowly down the steps to the silence of his teammates. The coach stood and went to shake his hand, but the boy had his head down and just walked to the end of the bench and sat down.

The other team went down without a fight in the top of the seventh. A glorious end to a dismal season as the team finished with an anemic nine wins to go with twenty losses. The team shuffled off the field and out of the dugout to about twenty or so students' and a few parents’ applause. Nate looked around and saw his father had left already. He sighed and put his head down.

“Nate?” Emma called from off to his left. Her smile was broad; belying her nervousness. She waved and he walked over.

“Hi… Glad you could make it,” he said. He patted her back reflexively and she pulled back.

“Hey… Do you want grab some pizza at Joe’s?” She asked, but immediately put her head down.

“Shh…sure,’ he stammered. She looked up and tilted her head in surprise.

“Rrr…really?”

“Yes.” A bit more confidence followed by his right hand grabbing her left. She wanted to pull away, but something seemed to urge her up the hill; hand in hand. After a few minutes for a quick shower, Nate emerged from the gym entrance to the school and they drove over to the pizzeria….

---

---

“I…I need to tell you something.” She struggled with the words as he pushed a slice of pizza around the plate on the table.

“I.. I need to tell you something…” he echoed. She nodded before putting her head down, expecting the worst.

“I …I want to thank you for being my friend, Em. You’ve been here for me and I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. But….” He paused and she gasped; hurt before rest of his words had left his mouth. But he leaned forward and touched her hand.

“I want to tell you that ….” He paused; leaving her once again fearing what she would hear. He smiled nervously and she saw that he had tears in his eyes.

“Em? Can we be …. Can I be….” Her eyes widened in happy surprise, but a look of horror crossed her face as she realized that the day had come for truth, and truth hurt. She began to cry softly.

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong? Oh…okay…it’s alright.” He put his head down. Fate seemed to have planned the whole day for them. The place was nearly empty and the guy behind the counter had turned his attention to the game on the TV in the corner. It was likely the worst place in the world to reveal a secret. He began again.

“I…I like you… a lot.” She pulled her hand back at his touch as he continued.

“I thought you were beginning to feel the same about me.” She shook her head as tears spilled off her face.

“You don’t understand, Nate….” She stood up and walked quickly to the front door and out to the parking lot. Dusk had settled, and she stood under the awning of the nail salon a few doors down, weeping. She leaned against brick fasçade; holding herself in a self-hug.

“Em?” Nate touched her shoulder. She would have pulled away once again but he had already gathered her into his arms.

“I said I had something I had to tell you, but that’s not what I wanted to say. I should have said that a while back, but that’s not what I wanted to tell you. I know, Em…”

“You know? I thought …. I didn’t want it to show, Nate. I guess I didn’t hide it. But…I can’t…I want to, Nate. You can’t understand. I want to so much, but I just can’t. Just leave it at that.”

“No, Em…. I figured out months ago, but I couldn’t … I didn’t have the courage to tell you how I felt. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”

“I don’t understand. You …. Me…. You knew?”

“Sure. I like the way you smile at me when you think I’m not looking.”

“Nate? I just can’t.” She burst into near hysterics but he held her fast and stroked her hair. Soothing, calming…. She settled into the uneasiness of his attention; her crying subsiding only a bit.

“Em…I know. About you. Everything I can’t really explain but I know…”

“But…. But you just said….”

“Yes…. I did and I do….Okay?” He pulled her closer. She struggled you pull away but he held fast before leaning closer.

“Em? Emma? I…Iuh….love you.” He said softly before kissing her. She settled into his embrace and let him kiss her.

“It’s okay Em… You don’t have to.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. And for the first time in her life she realized she didn’t feel like she had to do anything and she kissed back. ..

---

---

In the morning life was pretty much the same for both of them. Nate woke up to his mother singing to herself as she made breakfast. His father Jack made an awkward if sincere attempt at an apology followed by only a small attempt at justification. And Emma woke up to her mother also singing as she sat by Emma’s bed. A reverse lullaby of sorts to greet the day. Emma still didn’t feel very pretty. But together? Life would be alright….

Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
It's alright
It's all right

---

---

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

---

---

Dover, Delaware, October 2007…

Jenna pulled off her sweats and balled them up; tossing them into a plastic hamper by her dresser. She stared at her image in the mirror on the bathroom door. She shrugged her shoulders in defeat and shook her head at her reflection. Nothing to write home about, they used to say. But it was more than that. She practically looked like a nineteen year old boy rather than the twenty-six year old divorcee’ she was. She sighed; wondering if Axel was right. That she’d never find someone again.

---

---

The Safeway Supermarket, a few days later….

Jenna wended her way past a cardboard ramen noodle display and an abandoned semi-full cart of return-to-shelf cans of soups and broth, only to find the aisle barred by another cart manned by a tall woman dressed attractively in a gray skirt suit. The woman smiled and nodded as Jenna backed up; giving her leave to pass.

“Thank you. It’s not often I find young men as polite as yourself.” Jenna felt her face turn warm and she put her head down while speaking softly.

“I’m…. My name’s Jenna. I….”

“Oh, dear God, I am so sorry,” the woman exclaimed. She shook her head; almost in rebuke for her mistake.

“No big deal,” Jenna said. “My ex used to complain about the same thing.” Jenna almost winced at her own words; as if speaking it out gave credence to her ex-husband’s insult and the girl’s mistake.

“It is if I upset you, Miss. I’m so sorry,” She put her hand out in apology.

“My name is Anna…. Stellasera. I’m so sorry for the mistake.”

“Well, with the sweat pants and the hoodie and this?” Jenna looked down at her body; the self-inspection invited Anna to nod in agreement. But the woman surprised her.

“You’re very handsome,” Anna said, which caused her to blush. She took a breath and looked away. Jenna wanted to argue with herself and go beyond awkward pleasantries, but instead she turned and grabbed the handle of her cart. As she went to leave, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned again and found Anna looking down at the aisle floor.

“I’m very sorry,” the woman said before walking away slowly. Jenna wanted to follow. Her need to understand was totally outweighed by her fears. She walked toward the other end of the aisle to check out. In a few minutes she was nestled safely in her Subaru where no thoughts could invade. A few minutes after that she noticed Anna walking toward her own car.

Tempted as she was to say hello once again, Jenna felt outclassed by the woman she had just developed a crush for less than an hour ago.. Instead, she looked in the mirror and frowned. She did look like a teenage boy. Glancing once again off to her right, she watched as Anna pulled out of the parking lot and off down the road.

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

---

---

Anna’s town home, Ladybug Drive, later that evening….

Anna sat on her sofa with her legs curled up under her. After a few moments of soundless channel surfing, she hit the off button on the remote before tossing it in an arc over her sleeping cat Arwen; bouncing it onto the floor beyond. She sighed and looked down at the screen at her laptop. Dark and silent as well, it reflected her tired visage back to her in accusation. Was she really as vain as her last boyfriend had insisted?

She tucked her chin closer and peered down the space between her blouse and her bra. Her lack was barely apparent with the requisite enhancements covered by the bra.

“Someday my prince will come,” she sighed as she drew her blouse closer, buttoning it all the way to the collar. She closed her eyes and imagined how the handsome woman in the store would react if she saw what was missing and worse yet, what still was present even further below.

“Stupid…” she smacked her hand on the armrest of the sofa, evoking a pain that likely would be accompanied in the morning by a bruise. She wasn’t stupid at all, of course, but years of feeling inadequate and ill-fitting in life kept her from realizing just how bright a woman she was. And maybe she might even recognize she was a woman no matter how things began. But those feelings of inadequacy and being out of place pushed hard once again at her soul; leaving her to cry over her lack rather than be able to see what might lie ahead.

---

---

Jenna’s home, Country Village Apartments; later that same evening…

“Whaddya think, Eowyn,” Jenna said as she looked in the tall mirror standing against the wall in the corner of her bedroom. The tortoiseshell rubbed against her leg as she struck a pose. The figure before her no longer looked like a young man, thankfully, but she remained nervous about her new appearance. Her hair was now less than pixie length, but her features now seemed much more girly thanks to a makeup lesson from her friends at the salon. Maybe she looked more like a male model than a woman, but in that androgynous way that leaves one wondering about their own orientation.

“A bit much?” She smiled at the cat. Eowyn hopped up on the dresser by the mirror and nudged her arm a bit with her head; bonking approval accompanied by a very loud purr. Jenna ran a comb through her hair and nodded at her reflection.

“Not bad, if I do say so myself,” she said as she shoved the comb into the back pocket of her jeans. A tall, leggy woman peered back at her; exhibiting more confidence in that one moment than at any time in her life.

---

---

Anna’s home, the same time…

“Here goes,” Anna said as she turned and faced the cat staring at her from her vantage point on the top of the armoire. She pulled up a charcoal satin basque into place around her slim torso. The garment pushed and shoved and pinched as much as Anna expected and then some, but the discomfort was worth it as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. A semblance of a chest seemed to emerge from the basque’s ministrations, and her hips seem to protrude a wee bit more than usual, leaving her with a figure that was better than she had ever hoped was possible.

“I’m a faker, Arwen. Your momma is a big faker. I’m not even your momma….or anyone else’s.” Anna walked over to the bed and sat down; the dangling garter straps from the basque clicking together. She glanced at the unopened pair of stockings lying on the pillow and shook her head in disagreement. She pulled the garment up and off her body and threw it on the floor by the bathroom door, leaving her body exposed and cold even in the warm room. Arwen jumped off the armoire and ran over to the bed; hopping up finally into Anna’s lap, where she treaded with open claws. Anna scratched Arwen’s ears before picking the cat up and setting her down at the foot of the bed.

“Thank you,” she said absent-mindedly to the cat before she fell into her pillow as she began to sob. The cat ran up to the head of the bed and nudged Anna; all the while purring loud enough to nearly drown out the crying of her mistress. Anna turned away from the cat and covered her face with her hand as she continued to weep sadly feeling inauthentic and ugly and scared that no one would ever love a girl like her.

---

---

Dover Public Library, a few days later…

Jenna had just added a few books to the reserve shelf behind her when she heard a soft rapping sound on the counter. She turned to find a young man standing across from her; the face was vaguely familiar but she couldn’t recall the context of meeting him. He sported a loose windbreaker open to reveal a Delaware State sweatshirt. And he wore a half-frown; looking around nervously as if checking to see if the ‘coast was clear.’

“May I help you, sir?” Jenna smiled and tilted her head slightly as she struggled to remember the name that might fit the face; a face that was looking anxious and even almost scared.

“I….I have a book on reserve? I got a call?”

“Of course. Name?” Jenna smiled.

“Spare Change…Robert Parker?”

“Oh gosh, no… what’s your name… for the reserve?”

“Oh….” The young man’s cheeks grew red and he lowered his head slightly.

“An….” He hesitated. Jenna continued to smile, hoping to put the young man at ease, but he seemed even more embarrassed even as he finished.

“An…Andy. Andy Stellasera.” Jenna nodded and turned. She pulled out two books.

“Right here.” Jenna pulled the rubber band off the books and placed them side by side on the counter.

“Spare Change…. Oh yes, the new Sunny Randall book. I love Parker. Spenser and Jesse Stone.” She pointed to the book and then paused, looking at the other book on the counter.

“Alice in Genderland? I’m not familiar with that.” Andy winced at the mention of the book. He turned away and bit his lip before speaking.

“Oh….NO….no….I didn’t order that. There must be some mistake.” He placed his hand on the mystery novel; almost as a way of demonstrating his claim. Jenna looked at the request slip on the counter next to the books. Both requested by… Anna Stellasera? Her eyes widened slightly as the gears of remembrance turned until clicking into place with a mind’s eye view of only a few days before in Safeway. She turned her head slightly, looking over Andy’s shoulder.

“Someone with a similar name…. they must have mixed these up,” Jenna said in encouragement even as she realized both books were reserved by the young man before her, but not as Andy Murphy. She was going to let it go, but something inside her prompted her to lean forward. She smiled and raised her left eyebrow slightly as she placed her hand over his as he went to pull away from the counter.

“I know, Miss Stellasera,” Jenna whispered even as her words belied her intent. He went to pull away, but she held fast.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I won’t say a word.”

The sentiment was authentic, but did nothing to allay the young man’s anxiety. He practically wrenched his hand away as he turned quickly and ran out of the library. She watched as he fled through the front door and shook her head at the movement of the young man….something about the way he moved? No, she thought. Jenna was almost convinced she had to be wrong until she saw the young man through the front doorway as he got into the same car Jenna had seen Anna drive only days before.

She smiled as she looked up the library number before entering it into the computer. A moment later she had written an address and phone number on an index card. Another smile appeared; broader as if widened by a new-found confidence. She placed the two books in her carry-all and patted the clasp in satisfaction.

---

---

Andy’s apartment, a few days later…

Arwen was curled up on the couch next to Andy, who was sitting with his legs curled up under him and a crocheted throw over his knees. A book, High Profile by Robert Parker, lay on the armrest, open upside down and ignored as Andy stared across the room; eyes almost vacant but for the tears that welled up. A knock came at the front door. He rose, sending the cat scurrying off the couch and into the kitchen.

Walking to the door slowly, he checked his reflection in the mirror by the door. Temptation had succeeded somewhat only hours before and he quickly grabbed a Kleenex from the table underneath the mirror; wiping the last trace of shadow from his left eyelid. Another, more persistent knock came, and he opened the door.

“You forgot your books,” the person said. Vaguely familiar, but Andy could not recall meeting the young man standing in the doorway. He was wearing a pair of khaki slacks and a button down light blue long sleeve shirt. Not handsome so much as striking.

“Do…do I know you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I guess that depends? Do I know you….Anna?” At the name, Andy winced. He would have closed the door in self-preservation but for the firm hands grasping his.

“I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I might drop by to give these to you? We met at the Safeway a while ago? You recall?” The young man held Andy’s hands gently before releasing them to grab a large grocery tote off the landing.

“Seriously…. I live only a couple of blocks from here, and I thought you wouldn’t mind some company?” Reaching into the bag, the young man pulled out a bottle of wine. Andy stepped back, but his gesture was mirrored as the young man stepped into the home.

“Jenna, remember?” She held out her decidedly strong hand and shook Andy’s. He stared at their hands; a firm, confident clasp by Jenna and an awkward, nervous grasp by Andy.

“You….you look….” Andy struggled for words; wanting so much to just flee, but where to go in his own home with a very handsome woman standing in his doorway. She stepped past him, shutting the door behind her and shutting Andy off from any escape save his own bedroom down the hall.

“Perhaps you’d like to change into something more…comfortable?” She stared at the nervous young man. Dressed in loose sweats, he could hardly be any more comfortable and even at that, he was very uncomfortable. He shook his head slightly in confusion.

“I thought it might be helpful if I came over like this,” Jenna said, using her hand to indicate her clothing.

“Since you were kind enough to complement me….I didn’t even realize how complimentary it was at the time…. I thought I’d return the favor?”

“I don’t….I don’t understand,” Andy said as he stared at Jenna. The woman was becoming captivating on a moment to moment basis.

“When we met? I know this is hard for you, but when we met? I just wanted to see you again. I must say I was surprised when you came into the library the other day, but that’s just it. It seems we’re both full of surprises?” Jenna looked down at her body and then up and into Andy’s eyes.

“You said I was handsome? I suppose I am. But I never got to tell you how beautiful I believe you are. So here I am.” She stepped closer and took Andy’s hands in hers once again.

“I made a silly attempt at a joke a moment ago. I didn’t mean to be flippant. But I did want to point out to you that you do not have to hide. Not with me, at least. Something in the way you move… You’re not really Andy, you know? That name? It means one who battles according to some. But the other name? Anna? It means grace. And you’re so graceful….so….pretty.” She squeezed Andy’s hands. His eyes began to fill with tears even as the shame of his existence tried to push him away. He went to step back and bumped into the table by the door, further impeding his escape.

“You know you missed a spot?” Jenna touched Andy’s right eyelid; missed in his haste to answer the door. He grabbed another tissue from the box on the table and went to wipe his eyelid.

“Oh, no…not that,” Jenna said. She pulled Andy close and kissed his eyelid gently.

“You’re out of balance?” Jenna rubbed Andy’s right eyelid softly and took her finger and dabbed the trace of shadow onto his left eyelid.

“There….that’s better.” Andy’s face grew hot and he struggled against the table pushing hard against his back.

“Do you mind? Jenna asked even as she walked over and drew closed the curtains from the big window in the living room. She smiled and walked back to Andy. The young man was shaking by then, and she pulled his hand gently and led him back to the couch.

“I bet you’ve got something even more comfortable under all that,” Jenna said as she pointed to Andy’s sweat shirt. Without waiting, she reached down and pulled Andy’s shirt up and off quickly revealing a dark gray satin bra. He blushed again.

“And underneath too?” She knelt down and gently pulled his sweatpants down to his ankles, revealing a matching panty. It would have almost seemed intrusive or worse but for the kindness in Jenna’s eyes. A kindness that allayed his fears and urged him to step away from the shame he bore. Even at that, Jenna grabbed him softly by the shoulders and sat him down on the couch.

“Ms. Stellasera? I’d love to get to know you better, if that’s okay with you?” Jenna said even as she began to kiss Andy’s face. Whatever was left of the need to be portrayed as Andrew Stefano Stellasera disappeared as Anna emerged once again; still a bit fearful and even sadly ashamed, but emerging nonetheless. Jenna began to kiss Anna’s tears, which may or may not have been intended to evoke more crying, but cry she did. Anna began to shake; feeling more vulnerable but more authentic with each touch of lip to cheek. And as confident as Jenna had been only moments before, she grew even stronger as she continued to bless Anna with those kisses.

“M….Miss ….”

“Phillipousous….but you can call me Jenna.”

“I….”

“Yes… I know….me too.” Jenna kissed her softly on the lips and pulled her into a hug.

“You know you do move so…. well….” Jenna said at last and leaned in for a very grateful kiss….

---

---

Kohl’s Department Store, Dover, Delaware, two years later…

A young woman wended her way through racks and counters. She would say she walked, but her partner insisted she glided; graceful movements that displayed who she was, even if she didn’t see that herself.

“They might have some nice shirts at Marshalls.” she said; shaking her head at the selection on the display rack.

“I know. I guess we missed the sales. Anyway, in a few months it won’t matter much,” Jenna said as she patted her stomach. Not terribly evident since she was wearing a very loose hip length sweater, but still a wee bit bigger than most folks walking around in khakis and polo shirts. She laughed as she looked around.

“I bet we’re going to be quite a show in a little while?”

“I… guess…” Anna said haltingly.

“It’s been a while since I wore a dress, anyway. It’ll be all good.” She walked over to the rack and kissed Anna on the cheek.

“Say…. Have you thought about it?”

“What?” Anna said nervously. Jenna smiled and pointed to her stomach once again.

“In a couple of months, everybody will be looking at how I move,” she said with a laugh as she waddled only a tiny bit as she walked back to the shopping cart. She waved at Anna who walked over to her.

“I love you,” Jenna said and Anna blushed, but with a smile that finally knew...

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how
You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around and it may show
I don't know, I don't know

Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

---

---

The Montenegro home, West Milford, New Jersey, 2011…

Ryan sat on the double swing on the front porch; legs pushing against the banister to rock back and forth. The autumn night was filled with the sounds of scuffling raccoons down the block and even the alarmed yip of the local interloper red fox. She sighed. The sounds faded as the raccoons meandered off into the next block. She stared at the front door; open to an empty house since her mother was at work and her dad was hanging out with his new wife and her brand new baby sister in the city.

Apart from the eerie glow from the DVR time display, the house was dark. She glanced across the street at Adam’s house and blew out a frustrated breath.

“Stupid…stupid….st…..” her voice trailed off as she remembered their talk earlier that day.

“I….You….. I …..” Adam stammered as he shook his head in confusion.

“Come on, Adam….” Ryan pled as she looked away; searching for better ways to explain the news that just caused Adam’s inability to communicate coherently.

“I…I don’t …. What….” The incredulity of the moment caused his words to get caught in his throat, and he gestured wildly by throwing his arms out and shaking his head furiously. She stepped closer and he stepped back; tripping over an ill-placed ottoman as he fell to the floor. She stepped even closer; offering her hand and he shook his head again.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you,” she said as she lowered her head and stared at her shoes.

“But….I ….I was afraid, Adam….really….” Her voice broke in a half-sob as he sat up and grabbed the arm of the couch; pulling himself to his feet. She reached out but he pushed her hand away. He might only have been confused and not angry at all, but his rejection hurt her just the same as he walked out the front door without another word.

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

---

---

Several days later….

“I haven’t seen Ryan around, Adam,” his mother said as she set the table.

“I thought I saw him on their porch as I pulled into the driveway, Jenn, but he was gone by the time I got out of the car.” Phil turned to Adam and shrugged his shoulders slightly, mirroring in gesture what his wife had just asked. Adam shook his head.

“Uh…I don’t know…. I’ve been busy.” Adam was rarely too busy for his best friend, but to be fair, applying to Princeton along with a few other schools had taken up much of his time.

“Well, I just hope everything is okay. It’s really a shame. Lois is such a dear.” The rest of the plaint went unsaid, since everyone in the room felt horrible that Jake never reconciled with Lois; leaving her and Ryan to fend for themselves.

“How is Mrs. Coniglio, Adam?” The boy looked out the window and across the street as if he could gauge the heartache in his friend’s home. Suffice to say that Adam felt overwhelmed when thinking of how hard it was for Mrs. Coniglio and didn’t even want to think of how hard it was for Ryan.

“A boy needs his father,” Jenn said as she walked back into the kitchen. Adam’s face grew red and he turned away; hoping his embarrassment and even shame was hidden from his Dad’s view. It wasn’t.

“What’s wrong, Adam?”

“I’m….” He wanted to be open. His parents were loving, reasonable people. But that did nothing for the shame he felt, so he deflected.

“I don’t know if the essay was good enough for them, Dad.” ‘Them’ being Princeton. Oh, he could have written the essay standing on his head. The huge distraction came a week after he mailed it off, and the only problem was what to do with how he felt about what he realized only a few days ago.

“My mother told me something that has stuck with me to this day Adam and I believe it will serve you as well.”

“What’s that, Dad?”

“’God forbid you ever get good at lying. It can only get you into trouble.’ Thank God that you take after me,” Phil said with a slight grin.

“I…I don’t understand…”

“You lie just as good as I do, Adam, which is very badly…. What’s really going on?” As he said it, Phil held his hands up and widened the gap slightly in welcome.

“I…uh…Ryan….uh….” He bit his lip. The expression wasn’t lost on Jenn as she walked back into the living room with a large bowl of salad. Instead of sitting at her usual place, she pulled her chair around and sat down next to Adam; close enough to encourage and far enough away not to be threatening. He looked back and forth between his parents and began to cry.

“I….I….”

Shaking his head, he jumped up and walked quickly down the hall to his room. Jenn looked at Phil and he shrugged his shoulders slightly before a wry if hesitant grin crossed his face. Jenn’s eye widened in anxious recognition before she smiled back and nodded. She got up and walked into the living room and looked out the front window to the house across the street.

Ryan had returned and was sitting on the front porch with Charlie, the family Samoyed. The lights were off in the house and on the porch; leaving the boy almost lost in the advancing dusk. Jenn sighed deeply and turned around.

“I think I know,” she said and Phil nodded slowly as he looked past her out the same front window to the house across the street.

“Well, I guess we might put off dinner for a bit, yes?” Phil said as he rose from the table and followed Jenn down the hallway.

---

Meanwhile, across the street at the Coniglioo home…

Ryan looked up at the sound of his mother’s Odyssey pulling into the driveway. Charlie hopped off the porch and ran to the van as Lois was reaching in to grab a couple of grocery bags. Ryan walked over and held out his hands.

“Here, Mom,” the boy said. She placed one of the bags in his arms and leaned in; kissing hi on the cheek.

“Hey, baby…” She smiled and sighed; looking past him at the darkness of the house.

“You okay?” Of course he wasn’t, but it was a way to at least give him leave to talk or not. She wanted desperately for some measure of healing to begin, but with Jake still popping into their lives on the rare and unannounced occasion, the process was crawling along at an excruciatingly slow pace. He walked alongside her on the wide sidewalk and up the porch steps. Turning, he smiled lamely before walking into the house without a word.

---

Back at Adam’s house….

Jenn sat on the bed and Phil was sitting the chair from Adam’s computer station. Adam was lying on his back; his eyes covered by one arm as he cried.

“You know it’s okay, right?” Phil asked. Adam shook his head no.

“Adam, honey? We love you. It’s okay. Nothing you could say could change that. Oh, honey.” Jenn grabbed the boy’s free hand and held it.

“Your mom is right, kiddo. We love you. And that means all of you.”

“You…you don’t understand….”

“Help us, Adam. We want to understand….we….” Jenn began to cry. She had never seen her son in so much pain.

“I….I ….” He stammered even as he pulled his hand away; fearing the comfort that would look past his confusion just to accept. He didn’t seek acceptance. He needed them to know about him.

“Do you….” Phil hesitated. The boy was still young even at seventeen. It was okay, of course. It was more about what his son believed about himself and how he fit in. Not just what was going on for the moment or the week or the year, but how things fit for Adam forever?

“Dad….It’s not….I don’t…..there’s…..it’s….oh, fuck….” The boy took his other arm and joined it to his other arm to hide the shame creeping across his face.

“What, Adam? What’s wrong?” His father may have said what, but Adam could only hear the unsaid ‘who,’ and he began to sob harder. He pointed to his closet. Jenn looked over in puzzlement and Adam grabbed her hand and pointed it in the direction of his closet once again. Phil got up without a word and walked over to the closet doors; sliding one to the side. Nothing remarkable until Adam began to shake as he pointed lower to the closet floor.

“What, honey? What’s wrong?” She meant ‘what’s so wrong that you’re crying, but he again took it to mean something was wrong with him. He began shake along with the sobs. Jenn lifted him up into a sitting position and held him while he wept. Phil turned and watched her comfort their son before turning his attention back to the closet. He looked down and saw a large cardboard box; the carton from their audio system. He stared at it and shook his head. If there was anything in the closet, it couldn’t be that, could it? He pulled it out and opened it up….

---

At the Coniglio home….

“I..I told him, Mom…. Oh fuck….I told him.” Lois stared at Ryan and her eyes widened in fear. And the fear reminded her of who stood in the kitchen with her. Jake never wanted to believe it, and she never anticipated what Ryan had told them, but she accepted the fact that her son was becoming her daughter. Rather that her idea of who her child was had begun to change as soon as Ryan asked them for help.

“It’s my fault, Mommy…” Ryan said; punching the wall in frustration.

“Daddy….” Ryan sobbed.

“Oh, honey…nnnno…” Lois stepped close and pulled Ryan into a hug.

“Daddy left because he ….” She hesitated. Even after all the pain her ex inflicted on the family, she found it hard to criticize. Only a wee bit of enabling mixed with her desire to be civil on Ryan’s behalf.

“But Jakey, Mom…he ….”

“You know he said he loved you….he just got… But he said he loved you.” She gasped at the thought of her older son; lost and scared and almost as confused as his sibling. Like someone giving a friend a ride home, he didn’t know the way like Ryan since he’d never been where she really lived in her heart, and it was taking time.

“Adam hates me…. Just like Dad.” Ryan sobbed and shook as Lois continued the embrace; redoubling her efforts with a stroke of Ryan’s hair.

“Daddy doesn’t hate you. He’s just…” she paused as her struggle between civility and reality resolved when she said.

“He just loves himself more than he loves us. It’s not you or me. And as much as I hate him being with Callie instead of us, I think he’s finally realizing it’s not all about him, honey. I think he’s getting better.” She sighed. It was another excuse, but it was at least becoming a reality that Jake Coniglio was realizing the world didn’t revolve around him.

Losing Jakey and then his newborn daughter nearly dying to banged hard against Jake's conceit. But even at that, his recovery didn’t do Lois or Ryan a damn bit of good when the girl in her arms was convinced it was her fault her brother died after succumbing to injuries sustained in a war a world away. And his assurance that he indeed did love his sister came almost too late to mend the rift he had created. Sad all around, but nothing that couldn’t be healed….

---

---

Back at Adam’s….

Adam sat on the edge of the bed in his mother’s arms, almost hiding from the box that Phil had placed on the chair.

“It’s okay, Adam…it’s okay,” Phil said. He looked down at the open box at the contents. A meager collection of clothing that Phil guessed was culled from Jenn’s closet and dresser over a stretch of time. He placed the box on the floor and got into the chair; wheeling over to face Adam.

“My buddy Sal was a cross dresser, Adam.” Phil said as he used a glance to draw Adam’s attention to the box.

“Nnn….no Dad….it’s….and….” he stammered. Phil tilted his head slightly to the left and down, glancing once again at the clothing. He shook his head slightly.

“No….hun?” Jenn said softly as she tapped Phil on the knee.

“It’s not the clothes….

---

---

At Ryan’s….

“You have to be who you are, Ryan. Not what your brother thought….what your father thinks.” She paused and closed her eyes and her face got warm as tears streamed off her cheek.

“Not even what I think, honey. I thought I had two sons…” she winced at the word ‘had as she remembered Jake Jr.

“I’ve got a daughter, and it’s really time everyone….not just Adam, honey…Everyone needs to know who you are.” She stood up from the kitchen table and gently lifted Ryan out of the chair.

“I think we need to talk to someone.”

---

---

Across the street….

What I know, I can do
If I give my love now to everyone like you
But if it's not love that you need
Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed

“Phil stared at Jenn, trying to take in what she had just said about their only child. And while he was a very reasonable man, this whole idea made no sense whatsoever, and he spoke.

“I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t get it. I still don’t get it. But there’s a time for logic and all that, but there’s also a time for faith. I believe in you, son….” He laughed softly,, leaving the boy feeling more awkward. Jenn hugged him closer and spoke.

“It’s okay, honey…. Listen to your father.” Phil nodded.

“If I have faith in God, and He created you, then I have to have faith in you. So tell me? Who are you… not what. But who, Adam?”

“But…. I thought….I’m so sorry, Dad….” Adam put his head down and buried it into Jenn’s shoulder. Phil sat down on the other side and pulled Adam from Jenn’s arms into his own.

“No, Adam. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be…. You don’t have to be sorry for who you are. You’re our kid, Adam…. My son…is ….I guess you’re still going to be my son in a way, since you’re the same you, right?” Adam lifted his head and looked into Phil’s eyes. His father was crying, but the look behind the tears disarmed any fears the boy still had.

“I’m still your son?” He asked; not because of boy vs. girl, but that his father still treasured him.

“No, Adam. You’re still my child…. Our child. Our daughter, I guess.” He sighed. It’s not easy to just say goodbye to dreams and hopes and wishes held close for years. Adam put his head down.

“No, honey….” Jenn went to clarify, but Phil shook his head slightly. Phil knew Adam knew Jenn would love him no matter what. But Phil had to speak for himself.

“You’re….you’re the same kid I took to the Giants game. You’re the same kid who likes helping me working on the car. But you’re the daughter who likes those things….” Phil muttered an expletive under his breath and Adam bit his lip.

“No…I’m not upset with you….I’m just…It’s not easy to figure out what to say when I’m meeting a part of you for the first time… I’ve known you since I talked to you from before you were born, but this is so different. I’m afraid I….” Now it was time for Phil to apologize.

“I don’t’ want to mess this up,” he said, using his hand to gesture between them.

“I just want to be a good father,” he said with a gasp. Adam shook his head slightly and spoke.

“You…you are, Dad….” The name was still the same; Adam hadn’t even decided, but Adam wasn’t his father’s son any more in his father’s eyes. Adam was her father’s daughter. She repeated the same gesture she had made with Jenn only minutes before, but it was all good as she buried her face in Phil’s chest and wept.

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side
Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

---

---

At the Coniglio’s….

“No mom….it’s…. Mommy?” Ryan shook her head as Lois sat back on the sofa with her eyes trained on her child.

“Yes, dear. It’s just fine. And it’s just right,” she said as Ryan stood in the middle of the living room; shaking nervously.

”Time to let everyone know how proud I am of my girl, okay?”

Jenn smiled and used her hand in an up and down motion to indicate her approval. Ryan looked down at herself. The hair was still short, of course, but she wore a barrette on the left side. A nice borrowed set of turquoise studs rested in the holes Ryan thought she had hidden. Her top was gauze; sleeveless, lilac, and nearly opaque; barely hiding the borrowed dark purple tanktop beneath.. And she wore jeans from her own closet, but with her mother’s new leather sandals; the slight raise of the one inch cork soles still manageable.

“Now…?” Ryan gasped.

“He already knows, and if I know your best friend even a bit, I’m sure his parents know as well….

What I feel, I can't say
But my love is there for you any time of day
But if it's not love that you need
Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed

---

---

Meanwhile...

“What about….” Adam gasped as Jenn stood back, comb in hand.

“You have to tell her, Adam. If she was brave enough to tell you and you care about her like you always have, she deserves to know. And you know what?” Jenn turned and smiled at Phil. He nodded back.

“You…you deserve for her to know, Adam….” Her father’s voice trailed off as the reality of the evening was continuing to press gently on what he thought he knew about his child. He smiled.

“Now?” Adam put her head down and shook nervously.

“Maybe? You know she knows you already, right? And she knows you know her, right?”

“But I never told her….” She began to cry at the thought of their parting only days before.

“I bet she understands. And when you tell her about you, she’ll understand completely. Because you’re where she was the other day? The same fears? You were afraid of what we would say, and we’ve loved you forever. I bet she felt just like you do now?” Phil glanced at the front window. The street lights were on and he noticed two figures walking up their driveway. He laughed softly; a relief that things were being decided, seemingly, on Adam’s behalf. A moment later the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get that,” Phil said. He grinned at Jenn and she nodded back with an expectant smile as Phil walked over and opened the door.

“Well,” he said, “Isn’t this a nice surprise. Lois stood on the porch; her body only partially obscuring the girl behind her. An old friend of the family who stood shaking nervously; mirroring the anxious posture of her best friend. She peeked from behind and noticed the girl in the middle of the living room who peeked from behind her own mother in nervous apprehension.

“Adam?” Ryan asked as she stepped past her mother and Phil and walked into the house. Adam stepped out from behind Jenn and nodded; tears flowing freely in relief as her best friend smiled; holding her arms open in welcome. Both girls were nervous and scared and still confused, but a moment later they were in each other’s arms. The boys who grew up together and played and laughed would still be a part of them, but side by side, the girls would never fear again to be without love….

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side
Oh tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

What is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

Oh tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me who am I without you by my side

---

I Need You
Words and music by the performer George Harrison
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t24nX_sak8

Don’t Bother Me
Words and Music by
George Harrison
Acapella cover...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsdEubWKFk

Do You Want to Know Secret?
Words and Music by
George Harrison
as performed by
Nikki Jeane-Verve
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0tK03K1OPQ

I’m Happy Just to Dance with You
Words and music by
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
as sung by George Harrison
(It was written specifically for George Harrison to sing at a time
when he lacked the confidence to compose his own material)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVLnvQv6I_c

While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Words and music by George Harrison
As performed by Lizzy King
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncBQisb_NK8

Here Comes the Sun
Words and music by George Harrison
As performned by
Britin Lane
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKHt8rbk9uw

Something
Words and Music by
George Harrison
as performed by
Lindsay Saunders
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUiDg26s0o0

What is Life
Words and Music by
George Harrison
As performed by Olivia Newton John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=149VAQRYRUM