Three Girls Book Two Chapter Nine Concertos and Confessions by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

Previously...

“Listen…if you don’t mind, I’d like to help. I can be with you and Gennie when you tell her about what happened tonight.” She squeezed the boy’s hand before continuing;

“Hi, Mom! Welcome home.”

And now....

“Alan…what’s the meaning of this? I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t do anything until we discussed this.” Sue stared at the boy sitting in the chair, her expression less angry than frustrated.

“I just don’t know about this Alan…” She sighed; wanting to support her child but fearful of making a mistake; actually and earnestly wanting to understand.

“Mom…this is who I am.”

“But a cellist? Alan?” She made an attempt at a joke, but quickly spoke when the girl frowned.

“I’m sorry, honey. Really…” It would have been understandable if the girl cried, which she did, but Sue began to weep.

“I’ve let you down…I should have…you needed a father…”

“Mom…it’s not your fault.” The girl tried to continue but her voice wavered as her mother rushed to her side.

“I should have stayed with your father…I should have never left him.”

“You don’t understand…I was like this way before….before you and Daddy broke up.”

Sue stepped closer and put her hand on the girl’s shoulder, trying to connect but feeling completely lost.

“Alan…please…” By then she could hardly speak. She felt so guilty without even knowing why. She felt the girl kiss her hand and pull it close to her breast.

“Mom…this is me…not the cello…not the viola……”

“But Alan…you love to play.”

“But they’re just part of me, Mom…this is who I am.” By now the girl was crying; she shook enough that the cello fell from against her knees onto the floor with a loud thud.

“Honey…we’ll get you help.” Sue blurted out. She leaned over and surrounded the girl in bear hug.

“I’m not going to change, Mom…it won’t work!” The girl tried to stand up but her mother redoubled her efforts to connect and squeezed the girl’s arm.

“No…I mean…we’ll get you the help you need. I’m sorry…”

“What…”

“I…I thought there was something wrong with you because I made so many mistakes when your Dad and I split…like this was my fault”

“Mom…nobody did anything wrong….nobody is at fault because this, not Alan, is who I was meant to be…I don’t care if I ever get to do anything else if I can’t be me…I can’t…I just can’t….please Mom.” The girl leaned back in the chair and sobbed harder than she had ever in her life.

“It’s okay, honey…I’m so sorry…we’ll get through this…we’ll get through this…It’s okay.” She clung closer to her and kissed her ear, whispering softly,

“I love you so much…I’m so sorry…I love you.” She knew she loved the child she held, even if she didn’t understand him? Her? She shook her head in wonder just who this child was in her arms. And she swallowed hard, wondering just how to break the news to her ex-husband. Seventeen years, ten months and seven days after the fact?

“Congratulations, Mr. Peterson, it’s a girl?”

A few days later...

Sue was sitting on the couch, looking out the front window, wondering where her answers would come. The phone rang.

“Sue Peterson, yes…oh, yes, Genevieve…Al…yes, I know…she’s been very kind to Alan…dinner, why that’s very kind of you? Seven…okay…thanks” She hung up and turned to the kitchen, where Alan was making lunch.

“Honey…your friend Genevieve? Her mother just invited you and me to dinner tomorrow. She sounds like a very nice person.”

“Gennie takes after her…she’s such…”

Alan’s voice had trailed off; he caught himself before saying ‘an understanding mother.’ Susan was trying hard to understand her child; she actually had thought about Alan’s dilemma the entire time she was away for the concert, and it was on her heart all the time now that Alan had made a decision. Her child was growing up fast; and starting out at nearly eighteen in her life journey was a very challenging situation for them both, not to mention her ex-husband. She was desperate to find some help to discuss Alan’s ‘choice’ with her ex. The choice wasn't becoming a girl, was it? Or was it becoming more of who she already was. It was so confusing.

Alan had yet to tell his mother about the change in scholarship status. No matter regarding the athletic scholarship; that would have gone 'away' in any case now that Elaine would be coming out, he hoped. But the change in the music scholarship meant that he had to go to school..."as is," in order to secure the benefit, or try to figure out a way to attend school and begin his...her change. He was glad that the O'Hara's were reaching out to his mother. He prayed desperately that they would connect.

That Saturday at the O'Hara home...

“It was very kind of you to invite us for dinner.” Susan smiled uncomfortably as she handed the dish of potatoes to Meav.

“We’re glad to have you over; Gennie has really taken your child under her wing, so to speak, and we’ve grown fond of….” Meav’s voice trailed off, but Susan knew what she wanted to say but was reluctant to voice.

“You mean my…daughter? I know this has been hard on Alan, and I appreciate your support, but…”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Peterson,” Gennie interrupted. “May I ask you a question?”

“Oh…oh sure, of course.”

“Do you trust your child?” Susan was taken aback a bit at such a personal question, but she went ahead and answered.

“Of course…why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, if you trust your child, why wouldn’t you believe your child’s expression of need?”

“Need? I’m not following you?” Susan was beginning to be embarrassed and a bit upset.”

“I’d like to tell you something about myself, okay?” Gennie smiled and held her hands out and slightly apart over the table. Susan nodded, but Alan touched Gennie’s arm.

“Please…you don’t have to…besides…we have to tell my Mom about the other day…okay?” Gennie nodded reluctantly while Susan’s curiosity was supplanted by a frutrated anger.

“What about the other day?”

“My brother Randy’s a doctor,” Sean said. “When you were at your concert, Alan had a virus and an ear infection that caused him to pass out…He was right by our house, so Randy came over and saw him.” Susan’s expression grew worried.

“You didn’t say anything to me,” she said, casting a concerned glance toward Alan.

“He also found these,” Sean reached back and grabbed the birth control pills from the credenza.

“What… You’re not….” She looked right at Gennie, and the girl half-smiled and shook her head.

“No…mom..it’s not what you think.”

“Alan was self-medicating…the way some of us do when we don’t have any help.”

“What do you mean…self-medicating.” Susan was debating whether to get up right then and there and leave. Meav put her hand on Susan’s arm and said softly,

“Susan…I think you should listen to Gennie, okay?” Her voice was soothing and calm and served to ease the tension in the room.

“When I was fourteen, I was doing the same thing with my mother’s pills…I read about it online and I didn’t know who to turn to. Daddy had just died, and Mom hadn’t met Sean yet.

"It was a rough time for both of us.” Meav began to tear up at the memory of their loss.

“Doing the same? I don’t understand.” Susan looked at Gennie and at Alan and back again.

“I was afraid that if I didn’t do something, I was going to get stuck, and nothing would ever help me. What I didn’t know is that my Mom….well…she sorta understood right away. That I needed help to become who I am…what I needed in the way of doctors and my shrink…you know?” Susan didn’t know what she was talking about, which was clear to Meav, so she spoke.

“Gennie grew up as a boy until her nineteenth birthday, Susan… Darren Andrew O’Hara…junior…”

“Oh my god…you’re kidding.” We say it all the time, knowing full well no one kids about that.

“What Alan has been doing by himself is trying to forestall something that’s already begun. He wants your support; what he’s been trying to tell you all along.” Gennie wasn’t being critical, but someone had to set Susan straight.

“You mean…the pills were for him like they were for you…it’s part of the…”

“I’m sorry, Mom…but you weren’t listening…I had…” Alan choked up and put his head on his arms on the table and began to weep.

“I know this is so much to take in all at once, but it’s really important that if….that now that Alan has come to this place, he has to act quickly, or whatever is going on in his development is addressed. We can recommend a doctor, and a good therapist to help you with this, Susan.

“I…” Susan looked over at her weeping child and her own face grew warm and red as she began to tear up.

“I didn’t know…Alan…please forgive me…I just didn’t know.”

“She knows, though, Mrs. Peterson…your daughter has known for a while, and you have to trust her…like I asked before… she knows. Okay?” By then, the tears were coming so fast that Sue was struggling just to see Gennie, but she nodded.

“We’ll be happy to do anything we can to help, okay, honey?” Meav leaned closer and hugged Sue, who nodded once again.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Sunday evening at the Peterson home...

She had listened to violin concertos all day, missing her viola before the fact as she considered her options. Sighing deeply, the girl sat down and pulled the instrument close, almost as if it was a sacred moment. She tilted her head slightly and began to play along with the recording…very sad and moving but hopeful… Beethoven’s 7th Symphony, the second movement. She had all of the strings memorized, but cello was now her instrument; not so much of choice, but of necessity. And she decided then and there if she needed to play…then she would embrace her new love with as much enthusiasm as her viola had once enjoyed. And for the first time in her brief life, Elaine Peterson had hope.

Next: Symphonies and Sadness

Symphony #7, Second Movement in A Major, Opus 92
composed by Ludwig Van Beethoven
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOxOgm5jQ4