Three Girls (Plus) Book Five Chapter Twenty-One Commonality by Andrea Lena DiMaggio I have no gift to bring....

Previously...

“I know it’s been really hard on you. If you weren’t worried about your sister the other day at auditions, I bet you would have done much better. I can’t sit in first chair knowing that. You’ve got enough to deal with. I’m really happy to do this. You deserve the best.” Lainie smiled at her once again. It was too much. All of the tension that had been building the past several weeks came out in an instant. Danni fell back into a folding chair and began to weep....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=537n7H7DNI4

“Why? I don’t understand?” Danni sat stunned. Len, one of the flautists, had brought her a bottle of water. She looked into Lainie’s eyes, and saw nothing but compassion.

“I know what you’ve been going through. I talked to your sister.”

“What? You talked to her? You had no right.” Danni protested but shook her head almost immediately after she spoke.

“I….I’m sorry….I just.” She began to tear up again. Lainie reached into her bag and produced a handkerchief.

“Here….it’s okay. Drink some water….shhh.” Lainie had barely exchanged three or four sentences before today and here she was acting like a mother hen.

“I….I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Just accept the fact that you’re the best violinist in school…maybe in Chicago at this point. It’s alright. Like I said, I know you didn’t have a chance to give your best the other day. Your sister’s been on your mind, and I can’t let that go. She’s a doll, by the way.” Lainie laughed at the turn of phrase.

“But what about you?”

“I love the viola, so it’s everything is good!”

“But to take third chair? It’s not fair to you.”

“It’s not a matter of what’s fair….it’s what’s best for everyone. I still get to play in a great orchestra with great musicians, and all the music is fantastic.” Danni looked at her and stared, wide-eyed and amazed.

“Don’t worry…I know what you’re thinking. It’s alright to be competitive. It’s alright to strive to be the best. But I figured out in the past few years that I needed to be the best person….the best woman I could be.” She smiled as if it was the easiest thing, when nothing could have been further from the truth.

“We have to stick together.” Danni’s eyes widened again and she shook her head before putting it down as her face reddened in embarrassment and shame.

“What’s wrong? Did I upset you? I’m sorry.” Lainie looked at the sad girl and her face reddened as well, although she would have been hard pressed to explain just why she was embarrassed too.

“No…it’s just that it’s hard enough being a transsexual, but I get really scared and worried when someone reads me.”

“You…you thought? Oh, god.” Lainie started to laugh.

“What’s so funny,” Danni snapped as she looked around. The other students had already moved off, either to leave for the day or to socialize off to the side, giving the girls privacy they hadn’t expected.

“You think this is funny?” She frowned and shook her head.

“It is when you take what I said the wrong way. When I said we have to stick together I meant as musicians….the string section?” She laughed softly and with an almost lilt to her voice.

“Oh, god….what did….you meant violins? Oh, god, oh god.” Danni shook her head again.

“It’s alright. Nobody heard you, and besides, nobody I know could tell. I only know because your sister told me about herself and let slip about you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“I’m sorry…I’m so touchy about it. My Mom knew and never told me. I wonder about my Dad, but I don’t think he could have handled it.” Danni shook her head once again, as if she was ashamed.

“From what I can tell from you and your sis, I don’t think your Dad would have cared, if who you two are is any indication of your parents. You two seemed to have turned out okay.”

“I…I am so sorry. I have been such a brat to you….and here you’re trying to help me.”

“It’s alright. The last thing you need to be worried about is guilt, okay? Just keep in mind what I said about sticking together.” Her smile was disarming and made Danni feel more than just a little uncomfortable. A dark haired girl stepped closer and put her hand on Lainie’s arm.

“We’ve got to get going, sweetie. Mom and Dad’s flight is due in at seven, and we’ve got a whole lot of stuff to get ready. I’m sorry, please excuse me; I didn’t need to be so abrupt and rude. I’m Gennie, Lainie’s partner? My Mom and Dad are visiting this week, and we’re really pressed for time. I heard about you; Danni, right? Lainie says you’re the best violinist she’s ever heard, and that’s a lot coming from her.” Gennie looked at Lainie with pride once again as the girl stood up. She put her hand on Danni’s shoulder and reached once again into her bag. A moment later she thrust a piece of paper into Danni’s hand.

“Call us, okay. Maybe you and your sis can come over for dinner this week. I’m sure my in-laws will love to meet you both.” The girl couldn’t have been more charming if she tried. She nodded once and then the two were off, leaving Danni sitting alone wondering just what had taken place. One thing for certain; her insecurities weren’t at all abated, but refocused as she sighed, wondering if she was the only person she knew who didn’t have someone to love.

Meanwhile...the Davies Sisters's Apartment...

“May I speak with Yuki Dudek?” Terri asked.

“Oh…hi….didn’t mean to interrupt…no?” Terri apologized.

“Can we get together for coffee? This afternoon, if you’ve….oh….tonight? Yes…that’s good. May I pick you up? Six-thirty is good….maybe we can grab a bite to eat? Your treat? Okay? See you then…”

Terri’s voice faded away even as the dial tone droned in her ear. She sighed deeply, hoping she was doing the right thing.

D'Agostino's Pizza and Pub...a bit later...

“This place has the best calzones.” Yuki said with a soft laugh. If you’re not from Jersey or New York, Chicago is the best place for pizza and calzones in the whole world.” She said with a broad gesture of her hand.

“And that’s coming from someone with the obviously right background….Slavic and Japanese.” Yuki hoped her comment would deflect any serious conversation at least until after they ate. She was wrong.

“Well, you ought to know.” Terri laughed, but her frown belied the humor of the moment.

“We have to talk!” She put her hand on Yuki’s, and the girl pulled away, grabbing her Diet Sprite.

“The pizza here is great, too. Especially the Sicilian with onions and peppers.” She took a sip of her soda and turned to look at the map of Italy hanging on the wall by their booth.

“Yuki…please.” Terri put her hand on Yuki’s once again; this time gripping the girl’s wrist.

“No…no changing the subject. This is important.”

“I know….I’m….I’m just….it’s just that I don’t want to have this conversation. I’m afraid if I say what I feel we’ll both regret it.” She looked away briefly, as if the wall revealed a script for her to read. She turned back and faced Terri.

“I swore to myself I wouldn’t let this happen….I’m a married….I’m a widow.” She began to tear up just a bit. Taking a big breath, she continued.

“I have only known one love in my life. He’s still a big part of my heart, and if I let someone else….”

“But, Yuki….let me explain…” Terri tried to interrupt, but Yuki cut her off.

“No…let me finish…or I won’t have the strength to say what I need to say.” Yuki looked away once again and her face turned crimson and hot.

“I can’t see you, Terri. I just can’t. It’s too soon.”

“You don’t understand.” Terri protested, grabbing Yuki’s wrist once again. She squeezed it enough to evoke a soft ‘ow’ from the girl.

“I can’t see YOU!” Terri blurted out, loud enough for the elderly couple in the next booth to turn around before returning to their meal.

“I can’t be a burden to you….you mean too much to me, and I have too much going on in my life right now to put that on you…., okay?” Now it was time for Terri to sigh deeply and tear up.

“I’m doing much better; the doctor is wondering if there’s some sort of reversal going on….the past few weeks look better than at any time in the past few years…” Yuki’s face brightened but Terri shook her head.

“No…it’s too soon to tell, but even if? I can’t rely on remission when the next bend in the river might be right over a waterfall. I can’t put that on you.” She shook her head; she didn’t want to say no. Who would want to face life alone? Yuki’s face turned from bright to angry in a second.

“Wait just a second. You don’t get to say what I can handle or not. Only I get to make that determination. I’m not a little kid….I’ve been married and widowed…for god’s sake, Terri. You and I are going through the biggest challenges anyone ever could with our gender stuff. How much harder must life be for us? Don’t we get to live?”

“You seem to forget! You get to live…I don’t. I can’t even….” Terri sighed heavily and looked down at herself. Her face grew red once again, but not from embarrassment. She was ashamed and saddened by her own body; a body that would never truly be female unless some miracle removed the disease from her. She put her head down.

“Do you think that makes any difference to me? I don’t care what you can or can’t do! I don’t care what you look like under your clothes. The face that smiles….the eyes that sparkle even when you’re tired and scared. That’s what I see.” Yuki shook her head, more from anger at herself. Faced with loss, she grabbed what she could from two lives both thought were irretrievable.

“But you said you weren’t ready….I can’t ask you…” Terri protested, but Yuki interrupted.

“There you go again. Tell you what. I’ll ask you. Makes it that much easier. Then it’s what you want or don’t want; no excuses. You either want me or you don’t. I’ve already decided I want you!” She looked over Terri’s shoulder to see the woman in the next booth smile at her. She nodded her head and continued.

“You can’t go through this alone, and you can’t ask your sister to give up her own life….I know you’re close, but you don’t have to put that on her; let me help….let me care. For Christ’s sake, Terri, let me in!” Yuki was small and at one time maybe even very fragile. But the same girl who had been carried through her relationship with Teddy Dudek, as wonderful as that was, became a girl willing and able to bear someone else’ burdens.

“I can’t ask you….” Terri cried, almost sobbing. She was desperate to be loved but too afraid to let go.

“No excuses, remember? You can’t put off living just because you might die. Everybody dies, Terri. I know better than you what that’s like, so don’t tell me you can’t ask. And I’m not even asking anymore. I’m telling you. Let go and let me in!” Yuki practically shouted the words and now it was her turn to squeeze Terri’s hand; a bit harder than she wanted.

“No….I can’t….what kind of life can I bring to you? How can I….I can’t….” Terri shook her head.

“You mean you won’t….” Yuki wasn’t angry with Terri so much as with the disease that finally seemed to be taking a toll on the girl’s spirit.

“You can do this. I need this more than anything in the world, Terri. I don’t know why, but I really care about you, even though we hardly know each other. Please…for both our sakes, open up and let me in.”

Terri Davies looked at Yuki through believing eyes; probably the first time in a very long while that she began to care for herself as much as she cared for the needs and hopes and dreams of her friends and her sister. And she gave in. She put her head down on Yuki’s hand and sobbed. The girl stroked her hair and cooed softly,

“Czyż woÅ‚ać bÄ™dzie to….shh shhhhh.” Words that her mother spoke to her when she was little and even more recently when she lost Teddy….Don’t cry….it will be alright….shh shhhhh.”

Next: Suite Nothings....

Carol of the Drums
words and music by
Katherine K. Davis
as performed by
The Vince Guaraldi Trio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO2kSduwY34