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Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
lainie's hope - maybe now they'll listen...more than just playing...maybe now they might hear

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Previously...

“I’ll just get the pitcher of iced tea and I’ll be back in a moment,” she called back. Sean handed the bowl to Al as Meav walked into the dining room accompanied by two girls. The first of the two entered the dining room. She appeared to be in her early twenties; a bit boyish but pretty. She wore blue jeans and a black top under a green Eisenhower jacket with flower appliques on the epaulets.

“Hi, I’m Gennie.” She nearly added ‘you must be…’ but thought better of it. Standing in the doorway was a girl of about seventeen or so. She looked nervous.

“Oh…you have two daughters.” Al turned to Meav, who had sat down. She shook her head ‘no.’ He turned back and looked at the girl again.

She wore blue jeans and a turquoise shell under a hip-length purple lavender cardigan. She wore little makeup, giving her a pretty but ‘natural’ look. Her hair was longish and she was smiling. And she looked very familiar, even if the hair and clothes didn’t. Al stared at the girl, whose nervousness grew with each moment of scrutiny until he blurted out.

“Son of a Bitch!”

The girl shrugged once and burst into tears and ran back down the hallway. Al’s outburst was quickly accompanied by a loud crash and the sound of breaking glass as Sue dropped the pitcher of iced tea.

“Oh, Hell NO!... Son of a Bitch!”

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Moments later...

A sort of quiet commotion began to unfold. Gennie ran down the hall after Elaine while Meav ran into the kitchen and Sean put his hand on Al’s back as Al sat at the dining room table, stunned.

“I thought you were going to let us help with the ‘reveal,” Sue? What happened?” Meav said as she grabbed a broom from the corner and began sweeping up the broken glass. Sue stood off to the side with her hand to her mouth. She leaned closer and tried to whisper ‘loudly,’ which just ended up as her normal “inside” voice.

“I don’t know…I told the girls they could ‘dress’ for the occasion, but only after dinner and after we saw how Al would react to the news. I still haven’t even told him about the scholarships and school. Oh, God, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“It’s okay, hun…We can figure this out. Why don’t you sit down at the table? We’re still all going to have to eat. Maybe there’s some way we can salvage this.” The wry half-smile on her face almost said, “Keep your fingers crossed.” She put the broom aside and ushered Sue into the dining room and sat her down, coincidentally or purposefully across from Al, who appeared as stunned if not more.

“Al…I’m sorry…I...don’t know what to say.” She started to cry…the first time Al had seen her cry in over five years. Granted they were divorced and their contact had predictably been reduced, but she didn’t even cry at her mother’s funeral, at least in public.

“Christ, Sue…what the…what’s going on. Is this some sort of joke?” Al already knew it wasn’t a joke, but wanted it to be some cruel or foolish taunt instead of the truth.

“We were…going…to tell you. I’m so sorry.”

“Jesus Christ, Sue…what have you been doing to my son?” A fair if completely erroneous assumption, which she countered with,

“Where have you been, Al? Where the hell do you have the right to ask that question?” Her face turned red, and she was mixing anger with sadness and embarrassment as she continued.

“I’ve been trying so hard to keep things going. Did you fill out the applications? Did you see to the lessons? When was the last time you went to a recital?” It was degenerating into a He Makes Excuses/She Makes Excuses quickly until Meav interrupted with a simple,

“Dinner is served.” She placed the large cassarole of baked ziti on the table and continued.

“I don’t know either one of you that well,” she said as she shook her head. The word came out “oither;” her accent, mostly dormant after thirty years in the States, grew a bit stronger whenever she “got her Irish up,” as they say.

“But you’re focusing on yourselves instead of your precious child down the hall way. Now...I’m going to lay some ground rules here, so it doesn’t become all about you two. Think of her for once besides yourselves…” She smiled as they sat quiet, almost like chastised schoolchildren.

“First…This isn’t about you although you might think it is.” Sean put his hand to his face to cover his broad grin as his wife continued.

“We’ve got two well-meaning but very self-centered parents here. Both of you are focused on your jobs, which is okay for the most part, but it can’t be at the exclusion of your child’s needs.” She turned to Al.

“You’re away so often, that you don’t see things for what they really are…what they’ve been for some time. Now I’m not complainin’ but my Sean here has been to more concerts with the child than you have.”

Sue started to smile and Meav turned to her.

“Oh, no you don’t. You’re out of town with your own concerts…which is okay. But what do you do with your time when you aren’t out of town? From what you tell me, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on when you are home.“ She sighed and continued, holding up her hand like an impatient parent.

“We had every intention of sitting down and doing this by talking, but don’t you see? The child must have felt she couldn’t get anywhere, because obviously you haven’t been listening…So she decided to show you in the only way she knew would reach you? Sorta like getting’ dowsed with a glass of cold water. Well, it got your attention.

Now we could do this like they do in the movies or TV. Sue can just go into the kitchen and start cleaning and Al can go home, feeling like he’s the hurt one.”

Al actually put his head down on the table, starting to feel both a little ill and a great deal convicted. Sue was only a bit more ‘defiant’ until Meav shot her a playful mock-glare.

“You…you’re so right.” Sue reached over and went to touch Al’s hand. She pulled it back for a moment, tentatively considering withdrawing altogether before patting Al’s wrist.

“Al? Listen for a second, okay, honey?” She hadn’t called him that in that way since the divorce.

“We’ve been looking at a son when…we’ve had a daughter all along. I am so sorry…I should have been more attentive. Meav is right.” Al still had his head down and he shrugged his shoulders.

“I should have seen her… She’s been in my…the house with me all along. I should have seen this and said something…to her and to you.” Sue’s shoulders shuddered slightly as she patted Al on the hand. Al raised his head and looked at Sue. His eyes were filled with tears.

“I’m so sorry,” he said haltingly. He looked up at Meav who just glanced over at Sue as if to say, “it’s not me you should be apologizing to.” He turned again to Sue and half-smiled.

“I’ve been trying so hard to get us back together that I haven’t even realized just who ‘us’ was.” He shook his head as he leaned sideways a bit to look down the hallway. I sorta saw this coming and I didn’t want to believe it.” Sue leaned back just a bit and sighed.

“What do you mean…? I don’t understand?” Her eyes went out of focus as as she wondered just what Al was going to reveal.

“The last time he was over, he was asking questions. Things we hardly ever talk about, but I guess now it was almost like he was giving hints. Stuff like, 'Were you happy when I was born,' and 'What if I don’t do well at running for Illinois, Dad?' There was one time a few months ago where he and I were watching a show… I don’t even remember what it was about. He’d gotten into his pajamas…what eighteen year old boy still wears pajamas. I was looking at the TV and I heard him sigh… it must have been some emotional moment in the movie… you know how they like to slip romance in between explosions and car crashes.”

Sue looked at him oddly, as if she already knew what he was about to say.

“Anyway…I look over at him and he’s sitting on the couch with his legs curled up under him and he’s got this intense look about him, like the moment in the movie is really affecting him, and I thought… Jeez… he looks… I almost said acts…just like his mother.” Sue’s eyes widened as she could actually see the scene play out in her mind.

“I don’t know… it’s like it was in front of me all along and I didn’t want to see it.” Sue nodded.

“I think I’ve known for some time,” she said as she shook her head. The tears streamed down her cheeks.

“I was so afraid that I had done something wrong. Like I had been a bad mother…” She paused, but she continued to think,

“A bad wife.”

Al shook his head no as if to argue with her assumption about herself, almost knowing what she was thinking.

“You’ve been a great mother to her.” Al’s eyes widened as soon as he spoke; he had said it, and there was no turning back, happily in a way, even if the implications were huge and perhaps challenging.

“You’ve been a great mother to her… yeah… I guess I said that, didn’t I. I may be slow, but I’m not stupid. We’ve got a daughter, Sue, and I guess we’ll have to…. Work together to help her sort things out.” He smiled at the word ‘we’ll.”

“I guess we will.” She smiled as she patted his hand one last time. Meav turned to Sean and smiled, breathing out a relieved sigh. He smiled back and clasped his hand together in congratulations as he quietly mouthed,

“I love you.”

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Meanwhile...

The two girls were sitting on the bed as Lainie cried.

“I really screwed up. He hates me. I’ll… Gennie, I don’t know what to do.” Lainie fell into her arms as Gennie patted her on the back.

“We’ll figure out something. I know he’s just shocked. Sean didn’t curse, but I swear to God both he and Mom had the same look on their faces that your Dad just had. You’ve told me how much your parents love you, right? Do you think that would change that much… Do you think they’d just stop loving you and change their minds… change their hearts?”

“I…I don’t know…” Lainie continued to weep. Had she looked up at Gennie at that moment, she would have noticed the girl’s expression had changed. While she still remained the supportive friend, the closeness of the moment served to draw her out in a way, and she began to cry without sound.

“I do.” Gennie thought to herself as she stifled a sob. “I know they have to love you more than I do…they’ve known you all your life… And if I love you this much they must love you…” She bit the inside of her mouth and buried her face in Lainie’s shoulder. Just a caring friend sympathizing in a difficult situation.

“Li…Listen, hun. You’ll be fine. Just a sec.” She got up and went into Laine’s bathroom. Lainie heard the water running before Gennie came out and back down on the bed next to her. She held up a washcloth and began to wipe the girl’s face; the cold water served to cool down the heat of Lainie’s shame. A simple gesture between best girlfriends, but it was almost painful as Gennie tried so hard to suppress her feelings for the girl.

“Th..thanks, Gen.” Lainie reached over hugged the girl quickly before breaking the embrace. Gennie took the cloth and wiped her own face. A knock came at the door.

“You two okay in there?” Meav called from the hallway.

“Yeah, Mom…I think so… we’ll be out in a minute," Gennie answered. She turned and smiled at Lainie before glancing around the room, as if looking for some clues to the puzzle that was playing out in real life for her friend. A few moments later her expression changed as she grinned.

“I’ve got an idea. Bear with me, okay?”

“Oh…okay.” Lainie nodded nervously.

“Here’s the plan.”

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A few minutes later...

Al sat and stared at the dish of ziti in the middle of the table. There are times when in the midst of crisis, you can almost feel guilty for feeling hungry, especially when the food is right in front of you. They had talked for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes. He turned away and sighed.

“Dad…Mom…I’m sorry.” Al turned around and his attention was drawn to the figures standing in the archway of the dining room. Sue turned around and looked and her eyes widened. She was quickly joined by Sean and Meav.

Gennie stood there next to Lainie along with…Alan? Gone were the girl-jeans and the turquoise top, replaced by boy-jeans and a black tee shirt. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail; not the kind that you’d find on a girl, but the kind that’s bound at the base of the neck, like a boy? And the makeup was gone as well. But it really wasn’t Alan.

“Oh, God…honey?”

Sue said, viewing for the first time through the prism of the scene that had played out only a while ago. It wasn’t Alan standing there in ‘his’ clothes. It was their daughter Elaine, wearing boy’s clothes, almost as if she was going to a Halloween party. As awkward the previous hour had been for all the contrivance of their misunderstanding about their child, it was even more awkward as the contrivance was not the boy pretending to be a girl, as they’d believed. It was the contrivance of their daughter dressed in the wrong clothing, trying to be what she thought her parents wanted.

“Is…this okay?”

It may have been a clever idea, but the girl still was filled with the dread that they would say yes, ruining any future she might have had. Her tears only served to reinforce everyone’s understand of just how wrong they had been. Boys cry of course, but this wasn’t a boy crying over some justifiable but temporary hurt; this was a girl crying in anticpatory grief for the loss of her own life. Meav went to step forward but Sean put his hand on her shoulder with a cautious smile. She looked at Sue and Al and nodded.

“No…it’s not.” Al spoke softly with a slight shake of the head. He struggled as the tears began to flow.

“I’m sorry….Alan…” He shrugged his shoulders slightly, almost in apology before continuing.

“I’m sorry…. That’s not who you are. I don’t even know who you are, but ….” He choked back a sob.

“I know that the person we saw before…that’s who you are, and I’m sorry it took so long to realize. Please forgive me.” He put his arms on the table and rested his head on them, sobbing. Lainie stood shaking slightly. Gennie wanted to hug her, but she knew that the girl needed the embraces that only her parents could provide for the healing she needed. Time enough, she hoped, to tell the girl exactly how she felt.

“Can you forgive us…forgive me for not listening to you.” Sue stood up and walked over to her daughter. She pulled the girl into a tight embrace and began to sob.

“I’m sorry…I am so…so sorry.” She wept. Lainie put her head on her mother’s shoulders.

“Oh, Mom…Mommy….” She began to weep as well as her mother’s embrace surrounded not only her arms, but her whole being.

“Mommy…” She kept saying it over and over; the security of her mother’s arms brought her back to a time and place that never existed for her where Mommies and little girls dwell.

And Sue felt something strangely familiar, recalling moments where the girl she was just getting to know had made appearances in the past. The day she came home and was disappointed about losing first chair to another violinist and felt the soft stroking of her hair by her child’s little hand. The soft kiss on her cheek by her thirteen year old in consolation over some now unremembered disappointment. The quiet but accurate complements and advice about her appearance by her fifteen year old.

“I should have seen…I should have known.” Sue said quitely as she pulled back a bit from the embrace; her eyes still filled with tears.

“I…I didn’t even know myself, Mom…how could you?” Lainie shook her head.

“I…I think there’s enough misplaced guilt to go around for everyone, don’t you think?” Meav interrupted. Sean shook his head no and Sue noticed the gesture.

“No, Sean…I think Meav is right. We’ve got to get off this stupid Guilt Carousel that we’ve been on for so long.”

She looked over at the table where Al had lifted his head. He smiled and went to get up. No group hug; Lainie went over and just grabbed his hand. It was almost as if she knew instinctively that a magical moment of hugging and kissing wasn’t what her father could handle just then; that would come with time. Al grabbed her hand and squeezed as he smiled. The first real communcation between father and daughter said without words but saying volumes.

“Dad…” She said it with a nod; an acknowledgement that something had taken place. Not ‘Daddy,” but “Dad;” a brand new ‘name’ for him just didn’t fit when the old name suited him perfectly well. Sometimes even the nicest of times and events and wonderful choices and discoveries still can’t be sustained when the parties involved run out of things to say. Insightful as ever, Meav solved their dilemma with a simple,

“I repeat, Dinner is served."

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That night at the O'Hara home...

“Care to talk about it, Gen?” Sean said as he sat down next to his step-daughter. She looked over at him and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I may not say much, but I see things, darlin’. It was written all over your face…you’ve got your mother’s inability to hide your feelings. God help you if you ever play poker; you’ll end up in the poor house.”

“I’m…she’s….” Gennie was never at a loss for words or opinions, but at that moment she was unable to speak. Sean did her talkin for her.

“You’re afraid that she’ll go away and you won’t have said what you need to say, right?” She nodded and tears came to her eyes.

“Listen, child…you’re her best friend; she knows that more certainly than most things, I expect. What’s the worst that could happen if you tell her you love her? Things would still be the same, just out in the open? But if you tell her and the best thing happens?

You already made the biggest leap of faith in your whole life when you came to me and your mother and told us about Genevieve. Right?”

He smiled and looked her over as if he were seeing her for the first time, recalling the moment Gary the son was replaced with Gennie the daughter. She nodded again, still tearful.

“Well, this is almost easy compared to that, since you already know she loves you. The thing is just how much, I expect, is what makes you fearful. One thing you can’t do that I can?

“What…what’s that?”

“Well, Gennie darlin’ dear light of my life… I can watch for stuff that you can’t see ‘cause I know what to look for, bein’ how I’m so much older than you.” Even at fifty, Sean was as much grandfatherly as fatherly.

“I don’t understand…” She wiped her nose with her sleeve and shook her head.

“You know that look you’ve got whenever she walks into the room type of look? The one that says, ‘I’m so glad you’re here… I’m so relieved that you’re okay… I’m so happy you’re mine?’”

“Like you and Mom?” She smiled

“Yep..like me and your mother. Well, we’ve been at it for a while, and we know where we stand, so we don’t turn our heads in fear… we don’t have to sneak a glance or peek because we know we love each other, right?” Gennie nodded again.

“Well, you don’t have that security of knowing since you’ve never talked about it with her. So when she walks into a room you have that same look, but it’s toward me or your mom or her parents, but not to her. Well…“ He paused for effect, enjoying the playful teasing that would conclude with the truth. She looked at him and tilted her head in confusion.

“Let’s just say that you’re not the only one turnin’ her head these days.”

He lifted his shoulders slightly and laughed softly. She looked at him with the same confused expression. He looked into her eyes and raised his right eyebrow slightly as if to say, “go ahead…I’ll wait…” She tilted her head again in thought. After a few seconds her eyes widened in discovery and she opened her mouth in amazement. The amazement quickly turned to wonder which quickly turned to shock which quickly turned to joy followed immediately by relief as she burst into tears. She buried her face in Sean’s sweater and began to sob.

“There, there, darlin’! I told you that it’ll be alright, aye? And since when am I ever wrong.”

He laughed softly and stroked her hair. And Meav stood in the doorway with her hand to her cheek, feeling her own tears as she watched the two loves of her life with affection and gratitude.

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The Peterson home that night...

Sue walked into the livingroom to find that Al had fallen asleep on the couch, his head propped awkwardly on his hand against the back cushion. She smiled and shooke her head, more at what she was feeling at the moment than his slumber. She grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over him. She leaned closer to give him a kiss on the forehead but thought better of it.

Smiling again, she stepped away, her hand brushing against his arm as she pulled back. They had hugged as cordial ‘exes’ more times than she could remember and certainly had hugged enough as platonic friends. But this touch, as brief as it was, seemed to evoke memories long past; affection long forgotten and love long dormant. She shook her head as if to doubt her feelings before walking away.

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The girl played along with the CD … Rachmoninoff’s Vocalise; a favorite played by often since it was so poignant and bittersweet, much like her life. It had been put to words by Joel Sattler that lamented war and loss and sadness, but for her it was like it spoke to the war in her soul; the loss of years; the sadness of her own heart.

She was being led along almost as if her violin was playing her, and the melody carried her along gently as it helped soothe the deep down nearly unreachable pains still. She didn’t doubt that her parents loved her, but life had been ungentle enough to her lately that she feared they still wouldn’t understand. She followed Perlman’s lead so closely that it almost sounded as if one were playing instead of two.

The emotion of the moment finally got to her and she stopped. As Perlman continued playing she carefully placed her violin in the case at her feet. Getting up she walked over to her bed; briefly stopping to examine her reflection in the dresser mirror.

“You’ll be alright…I promise,” the image seemed to say to her. She shrugged her shoulders with a half-frown; almost disbelieving herself. She lay down and buried her face in her pillow. Weeping didn’t come until she closed her eyes and saw Gennie’s face before her. She sighed deeply before sobbing enough to shake the bed as she cried herself to sleep.

Next: Concertos and Confessions

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Vocalise, Op. 34, No. 14
Composed by Sergei Rachmaninoff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7UZhorAki4