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Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
terri’s challenge — my voice, my heart…my life are yours for as long as I live…

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“There’s no formula for grieving correctly, since there’s no correct way to grieve.” She smiled and tilted her head, almost waiting for a response. Her hand began to lightly trace…almost ‘doodle’ with her finger on the girl’s hand. Another shudder, but this time noticeable. Terri’s face grew red and she pulled her hand away as softly as possible. Yuki looked down and felt her own face grow warm.

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A short while later at Terri and Danni’s apartment...
 
The sound of Nat Adderley’s “I Married an Angel” flooded the living room with melancholia as Danni sat on the couch looking thru a photo array on her laptop. She noticed Terri standing in the doorway and quickly turned it off.

“You don’t have to hide from me, Dan….” Her voice trailed off as she walked in the kitchen. She emerged a moment later with a bottle of merlot and two glasses.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Danni said, her head turned away as she tried to hide.

“You’re afraid that if you even talk about Emily….I know that you know…”

“You’re right. I miss her so bad, Ter…but….”

“You’re afraid it will hurt me if you talk about your own pain.” Terri sat down next to Danni and put the wine and glasses on the coffee table. Even before either of them…changed…they were always a bit physical and playful in their relationship; maybe a girl thing…but sibs for sure. She leaned closer and brushed Danni’s hair from her forehead, using her hand to rub her sister’s temple softly, almost like a comb. Danni went to push her hand away and Terri reached in and pulled her sister close.

“We both loved her more than we can say, but we both care too much about each other, sis.”

“This…hurts so bad.” Danni began to sob. She and Terri had known Emily since they all were little and it was like a piece of her had been ripped out…a vital part of her that threatened her own existence, or so she thought.

“I know…it’s worse than when Mom and Dad died,” Terri said, rubbing Danni’s back. Though Terri was training for ministry, it was sister to sister talking.

“We knew with Mom that it was only a matter of time, and even Dad with the stroke causing the car crash.” Terri stopped for a moment; it really was the first time in months that they had talked about the death of their parents.

To lose two parents in the space of four months while dealing finally about their gender issues? They hadn’t been hasty so much as very involved in the whole estate settlement and their subsequent transitions. Danni’s had gone smoothly, if setting aside quite a bit of her identity as Cam was smooth. And of course, the physical aspect of Terri’s transition came to a grinding halt when she was diagnosed with Lupus. Add to those already taxing challenges the fact that they were both in the middle of going to school as well. It was daunting to say the least, so their grief had been put on hold.

“But with Emily…it was like we thought life would never change; how the hell we got that idea? Emily was a rock to us…someone we could cling to…but…” As Terri talked, Danni put her head on her sister’s heart.

“We thought everything would go on forever…like with Mom and Dad taken, somehow we had all the hurt we deserved and we’d be fine. But…” Terri paused and gasped, looking down at her body.

“That’s not how it works, Dan…” She shrugged as if her illness meant nothing.

In some ways, her illness meant the world to her, since her perspective of life and even death had changed; maybe for the better. She glanced over at familiar photo, nicely framed and displayed prominently on the entertainment center; a black and white blow up of three girls in a photo booth. The very first picture of Danni and Terri Davies with Emily in between. It always seemed that Emily came between them, not to divide, but to cement them together like some sort of sibling crazy glue. Now that she was gone, they had to deal with life face-to-face.

“Danni?” Terri bit the inside of her mouth nervously, fearing what Danni’s response would be.

“You do know I would have….never…” It was almost too much for both of them to bear; too much sacrifice; too much loss; too much pain. Terri began to sob; overtaken by feelings of shame and guilt and even regret. Danni looked at her in surprise.

“Emily told me that you….you…she asked and you said you couldn’t. Of course I know. I…I think it was never meant to be…we were all like best friends, even though you were…my brother at the time…Emily was like a third sister, and I fooled myself into thinking it could have been anything else. I’m so sorry you’ve carried that pain all this time. And now…I’m so afraid I’ll lose this…lose you….” She pulled Terri over and they hugged once again. Danni wept hard enough that for a moment, no sound emitted from her; the grief of anticipated loss can cripple. Terri went to pull away and Danni gripped her arm almost hard enough to bruise.

“No…” she cried softly and Terri leaned back again and held her sister.

After a few minutes things settled down. The two still had each other, and who knew; maybe Emily would actually return after taking care of her own mother? And Terri felt overwhelmed with confusion.

“Have you had dinner yet? We can order in if you like? Mrs. Gennoverino gave me fifty bucks for watching her cat last week.” She smiled as she got up from the couch.

“I’m sorry…I already had dinner with someone I was counseling.” She had been counseling, hadn’t she? Closing her eyes, she did a mental inventory of the events of the evening. She felt entirely appropriate until her gaze fell to the table to recall the soft hand that she held; the playful etching with her fingernail softly on the back of the girl’s hand…the woman, actually…a widow with grief nearly too much to bear. How do you deal with losing the one love of your life?

“Oh, okay…I’ve got some soup from the deli I haven’t finished. Maybe tomorrow?” The voice seemed to be emanating from a tunnel as Terri’s concentration remained focused on the hand…she said she played piano.

“That hand…’ she thought of how the hands of the girl she had met might look moving rapidly up and down the keyboard.

“Chopin or Gershwin? Beethoven or Guaraldi? Haydn or Herrmann?” She mused as the tunes blended together nicely until she heard,

“Terri…are you okay? Terri? You’re getting weird on me.” Danni sounded like she was shouting, but it really was just the abrupt interruption of sound and sense as she realized she was unconsciously caressing her sister’s hand.

“Counseling, huh? Okay.” Danni laughed but Terri missed the humor entirely and just nodded and said,

“Yes…counseling.”

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At Yuki’s apartment….the next day.

The sound of Guaraldi's Cast Your Fate to the Wind played softly even as light broke softly through the window in the living room. Margaret had gotten in to O’Hare the night before, and both she and Yuki were too tired to talk, for two decidedly different reasons, but a fresh sunrise gave strength, renewed enough at least to spur conversation.

They sat on the couch as their tea grew cold. It seemed every other word was painful enough to evoke tears.

“No, Dad still hasn’t answered my emails… Uncle Masa wrote and said he has the same address… he’s just ignoring me. He never even sent a card. Mom? Are you disappointed...in me?” There really wasn’t any reason for Yuki to question her Mom like that, but Margaret understood that she needed to hear what she already knew.

"Oh, God,no...honey...I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of you." Margaret shook her head no.

Yuki had sworn she wasn’t going to cry. Some days were better than others, but not a single day went by without thinking of Teddy, and that hurt enough that she cried every day for nearly three years. And it didn’t help that Teddy’s mother had written a very hurtful note, either.

“Mamasan? Why did God give him to me just to take him away….Momma Dudek said it was to punish me. It’s my fault he’s dead, Mom….If he hadn’t joined to prove what? That he was a real man? That he should have married a real girl? She told him he couldn’t be a real man because of me. Mom….He was coming home, Mommy….Why couldn’t she let him be?”

That her mother-in-law had apologized later did nothing to ease the pain of that cruel accusation. And Teddy never doubted Yuki one bit; his love and his faith in her never wavered. Yuki swallowed hard and looked around for something to drink. Her anti-depressants gave her dry mouth and all the crying left her dehydrated most of the time. She grabbed her cold tea off the coffee table and took a quick gulp.

“Honey…let me warm that up for you. You haven’t eaten all day and you only drank a bit.” Margaret shook her head.

“I’ve got one more quick trip to Seattle and then I’ll be home for a while.” Margaret was in the midst of purchasing a condo; actually she and her new fiancé’ Phil were.

“Maybe I can postpone it a week…you know. Be here for you?”

“No …Mom…I...I’m okay…The meds help, and I met some nice people at the group…the grief group.

“I didn’t help much as far as moving though, did it?” Margaret took a sip of her own cold tea. She got up and walked into the kitchen and filled the electric kettle with water.

“Reminders?”

“I can’t help it, Mom…every time I open a book or listen to music I think of him. I came across his first baseman’s mitt the other day when I was moving some boxes. A glove brings me to tears?”

“Is there anything that makes you feel good?”

“A happy memory? Mom…all of the memories are happy…I just can’t believe I’m twenty-one and a widow…this isn’t right. The TV had one of those crazy bride shows on the other day; everyone in the lounge is laughing at the show and it took all I could do to keep from bawling right in front of everyone.”

"I'm glad that you're at least listening to different music? You might find something more that you’re not familiar with…you know?”

“Yes, and to answer your next question, No…I don’t listen to Grieg much anymore”

She took another sip of water and continued.

“Why, Mom. I’m twenty-one; I know that’s not old, Mommy, but I’m…not supposed to be a widow.” She repeated herself, as if saying it would make it go away. She began to sob,

“What did I do…I must have…Oh…” She looked around; a room filled with memories that stopped short; too soon relegated to the past instead of ones to build on for the future.

Margaret walked back into the living room; sitting once again on the couch and holding her daughter. After awhile the sobbing ceased; Margaret kissed her on the cheek and laid her sleeping form down on the couch.

About an hour later, as Margaret was unpacking in the bedroom, she heard Yuki cry out. She quickly laid the clothes in her hand into the dresser drawer and ran out to the living room, where she found Yuki sitting up on the couch, looking out the window in a blank gaze.

“Honey…It’s okay…I’m here…you’re okay.” She said as she sat down on the couch next to Yuki again. The girl turned to her, and rather than the expected tears, the girl wore a confused smile.

“What…did you have a nightmare?” Margaret said, quickly grabbing her daughter’s hand. She held it and began to caress it softly to comfort, but the girl yanked it away.

“Stop!” she snapped, but added the softer…”Mom…don’t do that,” as she recalled another moment from the evening before.

“What…I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” Margaret looked at Yuki’s face as the girl stared at her right hand.

“N.u…no…” She bit her lip and her shoulders shook ever so little, but enough to cause her mother to half-frown.

“What…honey? Did something happen?” Something? Nothing happened, but everything had changed in just a brief moment.

“Mom? “ She said it almost in a whisper, and her downcast gaze spoke her mother more than just with words.

“Honey…what’s wrong….what’s going on…let me in, okay?” She went to reach for Yuki’s hand and she snapped ‘no’ again. The girl shook her head, more at her abruptness than at the gesture, but the gesture was everything.

“Yuke….baby….tell me, honey, okay?” She went instead to hug her daughter and instead of the anticipated withdrawal she heard instead,

“Oh, Mom…I’m so sorry…so…” She began to tear up, and Margaret knew it went beyond just a gesture.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry about, honey….you’ve been through so much…I understand.”

“Mommy…I don’t understand….How can I feel this way…how can I?’ Her look wasn’t about pain or loss; whatever was going on was eating at her, and Margaret softly probed.

“What’s wrong with how you feel, baby…what did you do?” Margaret didn’t believe Yuki did anything wrong, but it was clear to her that Yuki felt she had. The girl sighed and blinked back tears.

“I loved Teddy…with all my heart.” She said it almost as if it were a question. Margaret squeezed her shoulder and nodded ‘yes,’ and Yuki went on.

“How can I feel this way…he was…he is my best friend…and….” She would continue, but Margaret already knew; Mothers know …don’t they.

“You met someone?” Not an accusation, but a door for the girl to walk through.

“Ye…yes.” Another question…’can I ever be forgiven for being human?’ kind of question.

“Oh, Yuke…it’s okay…it’s okay,” Margaret was fairly sure it would be okay, but Yuki was convinced entirely otherwise as she began to cry.

“Mom…I feel…” She shook her head as the tears flowed freely. “I feel like…”

“You feel…like this other person might take Teddy’s place?” Her daughter was speechless in agreement, nodding emphatically if not enthusiastically, convinced her feelings were true.

“Honey…nothing…no one will ever take Teddy’s place….” She sighed, her own loss poking her hard as she recalled just how much she missed her son-in-law; her own life pushing her grief to the back of her own emotional line.

“You’ve got a big enough heart honey and Teddy would understand. It’s okay…it’s been nearly three years.” She regretted the last few words and quickly added,

“It still hurts…I know….there are days….nights where I still miss your father, and it was much, much easier for me than it ever was for you…but the heart does what it will.” She touched Yuki’s cheek softly.

“It feels like I’m leaving him.” At twenty-one, she felt guilty even though he was the one who ‘left’ her a widow, but Margaret knew exactly how she felt.

“Like you’re betraying his memory…like somehow if you fall…if you find someone it will hurt what you and he had? Do you think your love was so weak?” Again, not an accusation but a label to help her daughter face how she felt.

“N..no?”

“Honey…look inside yourself…would you feel guilty if your love for Teddy wasn’t strong? Would you feel that you could hurt his memory if you didn’t care enough? What would Teddy say?” The last question hit her hard, and Yuki began to sob.

“He….would….Mommy, it hurts so bad….I feel….like I’m…” she looked down at herself.

“Being pulled apart?” Margaret shook her head. And she smiled.

“The first time….Phil and I… Sweetie…your father and I have been apart for years, and I think sometimes I’ll never have the strength to forgive him…but there’s part of me that loved him enough…when Phil and I made love for the first time I cried for a half-hour…I drive him crazy…but your Dad and me? I felt the same way you do right now, and he hurt me so bad.” Yuki’s eyes widened as her mother began to cry softly, but it wasn’t for the memory of that love she had lost.

“How much more can it hurt for you when you and Teddy….so when someone new comes along….yes…I know exactly how you feel…maybe never exactly, but I know.”

“I miss him.” She repeated.

“And that makes you feel like you’re two people….like being pulled apart. You’re human…that didn’t stop when Teddy died honey….maybe it got even stronger….” Margaret shook her head and pulled Yuki closer, holding her so they were face to face.

“You’ve got a whole life to lead with Teddy, but it’s only going to be here,” she said softly, warmly with an affection only a mother can have for a son-in-law as she placed her palm over her daughter’s heart.

“But you’re stuck with the rest of us outside…where we all live,” She used her hand in a broad gesture as she pointed away from them both.

“And that includes this fellow you’ve met, okay?” Yuki’s eyes widened once again and she began to sob.

“Oh, honey…it’s okay…Teddy understands, I’ll bet more than you can know,” Margaret finished and she returned once again to caressing her daughter’s hand again, forgetting what had started the exchange in the first place. Yuki pulled her hand away quickly and gasped out between sobs,

“Not….him.” Margaret tilted her head in confusion as her daughter struggled to speak.

“Not who, honey…the new boy?”

“NO….not him…..her.” She said finally and collapsed in her mother’s arms in heaving sobs. Margaret looked away for a moment until it dawned on her exactly what her daughter had just told her. She sighed briefly in relief and blinked back her own tears and said softly but with an ease that came surprisingly,

“Oh…okay.”

Next: Angels in the Morning!

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I Married an Angel
Music by Richard Rogers
Lyrics by Lorenz Hart
Performed by Nat Adderley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHvxDBYbSTU&feature=related

Cast Your Fate to the Wind
composed by Vince Guaraldi
as performed by
Vince Guaraldi Trio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLJ1aZhKVhk