Three Girls - Book Four
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
Yuki's wish - playing, freedom, music...all for what if not to be the girl i am
Lainie's hope - maybe now they'll listen...more than just playing...maybe now they might hear
Danni's dream - the dawn awakens my soul no longer the same as now new my heart sings
Terri's challenge - my voice, my heart…my life are yours for as long as I live…
Chicago…
“You sure you don’t mind?” Lainie sighed as Gennie paused from their huge task of unpacking.
“Nope,” she said as she removed a smallish Teddy Bear lamp.
“This deserves a place of honor,” Gennie walked over to the bookshelf she had just finished assembling, placing it on top.
“No…I mean are you really okay with everything?” Lainie shrugged her shoulders almost apologetically.
“We came here so you could go to school and maybe get an orchestra gig outside of schoolas well. I’m happy to see you finally realize your dream.
“But you were going to go back to school; not labor in a dusty bookstore.
“I love my job.”
“Two days and you love it?” Lainie shook her head; evoking a grin from her partner.
“Two and a half days, babe!” Gennie laughed and walked over to Lainie and pulled her to her feet; bestowing a kiss,
“You know what I mean…” Lainie protested through mushed lips. Gennie redoubled her efforts and kissed harder. She pulled back, leaving Lainie opportunity to speak.
“I wanted so much for you to have your dreams come true. Gennie shook her head.
“We came here specificly for you to go to school. Everything I need for my schooling is online. And Kate says she’s fine with me studying as long as I get things done at the store, so we’re all good,” Gennie went to kiss Lainie, but the girl turned away slightly.
“Everything I love about you gets in the way sometimes with what you need! Do us a favor and keep working on being every bit of who we are. If you do that and we love each other, you will make me happy, okay?”
“Uh…” Lainie went to protest but Gennie would have none of that.”
“Sorry, babe, but you forced me into this,” she said as she led Lainie to the bedroom side of the studio.
“Minks, sweetie!” Gennie said as she pushed Lainie onto the bed.
“Let’s give your new equipment a try, okay?” Gennie laughed softly as she pulled Lainie’s jeans off. Lainie smiled just like anyone who ever won the lottery.
“Dolce? Piano?” Lainie practically whispered.
“Forte, babe.” Gennie patted her crotch.
“Forte!”
Elsewhere…
Yuki smiled as she gazed at the phone. Her mom had finally gotten FaceTime and it was great to see her. She replaced her phone in her purse and turned to look at the picture on the faux fireplace. Two happy newlyweds posing for posterity.
“I miss you,” she said as she gazed at Teddy.
“Auditions next week. I’m pretty much in, but…” She could almost hear her mother sigh,
“No apologies, kochanie (kitten)!”
“But…” Yuki went to protest. Between recalling her mother’s words and Teddy’s smile, Yuki relented from her self-doubt; a thankfully diminishing habit, to be sure, but still hanging around tenaciously. She sighed, which evoked a response from beyond the ether.
“You’ve got this, Yuke, and I’ve got your back,” Teddy’s smile seemed to broaden, which left Yuki feeling safe and cared-for but also more alone than ever. She dropped to the sofa and grabbed a bolster pillow; hugging it like a toy cat as she laid down, crying bittersweet tears.
Seven Months later…Chicago…
“Excuse me…Terri? You got a second?” Nina Portland looked up from her desk to see Terri Davies standing going through some mail. Terri walked over to her desk and stood. Her hand almost flew to her face, as a saying goes and she wondered if her face was redder than normal.
Remarkably, her challenges hadn’t abated so much as her success in coping with the Lupus had taken on almost miraculous proportions. Between diet, vitamins and a new medication, she was able to handle much of what she had before her diagnosis.
“A couple things? Sandy Nikowski came down ill this morning. Your grief support group over at the Music Institute… can you cover it? It’s at seven this evening.” Terri nodded and smiled. Like the savior she worshipped, she was a person of sorrows; acquainted with grief. Running the support group was mostly just helping others understand they weren’t alone; after the loss of two parents she knew all too well what grief was all about.
“And do you mind if I get a bit nosy?” Terri had an idea where the conversation was going. She shook her head and half-smiled even as she avoided a downward gaze. She had gotten all of her crying done, she thought until Nina frowned and sighed.
“It’s not forever. I’m just not strong enough.” Her surgery had been postponed twice already, and now was on hold until her endocrinologist could see a plateau to her disease; improvement was good, but she had to be healthier. Nina’s empathy did her a world of good and was all too painful at the same time as she broke down. Her friend came around from behind her desk and hugged her.
“Listen…I can get Pete Jankowski to lead the group. You probably just need to get some rest.” She cringed at the almost patronizing tone of her voice until Terri pulled slightly apart from Nina and smiled.
“You’re probably right, but I think I need this…” The girl looked away and bit her lip. She looked down at her body; feeling almost triply betrayed by the still-painful loss of her parents, her health, and the possible loss of her future.
“Okay, honey, but let me know if there’s anything I can do… okay?” She squeezed Terri and then pulled back suddenly.
“Oh. Shit…sorry.”
“Relax Nina, I’m not made out of glass…I won’t break.
Later that evening… Music Institute…
“Hi…Sandy Nikowski isn’t feeling well, and she asked me to sit in for her, will that be okay?” Group therapy can be touchy; new faces can prove too daunting and make it difficult for members to share and even small changes risk folks shutting down. After only three meetings, though, it wouldn’t be a problem. Terri smiled.
“Some of you night remember me? My name is Terri Davies. I’m a student over at the Seminary… thank you for allowing me to be a part of your group.” The women nodded; five that evening though the group could be as large as twelve.
Terri scanned the faces; the women all seemed to be in their thirties; likely instructors at the Institute save for one younger girl who seemed almost shy. Her soft Asian features and pale complexion seemed almost at odds with each other. But the saddest part of her appearance was the ring on her hand…her left hand. A widow at such a young age.
One by one they introduced themselves quickly… two of the women had lost children. One woman had recently lost her mother after a long bout with Alzheimers. The fourth woman was mourning her brother, a firefighter who had died while rescuing a family from a house fire. But the young girl kept quiet initially. A soft touch on the arm and a smile gained a sigh and a nod. She spoke haltingly.
“My name is Yuki…my….my husband….Teddy…my best friend…since we were little…He… Iraq…I….” She looked around and the expressions of sympathy acted like a cup of water priming a pump as she burst into tears. And Terri stared at the girl…her own pain seemed to retreat into the background even as her own tears began to fall as her heart went out to the girl…the young woman...
A while later…
One by one the women made their farewells until Terri was left alone…she thought.
“Excuse me?” The voice came from behind as Terri gathered her things. She turned to find Yuki standing nervously. She smiled and extended her hand.
“I’m so glad to meet you. I wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement to the group tonight. This is only my second time, and between you and the young lady last week, you’ve made it a bit easier for me.” Yuki shook Terri’s hand, but her expression belied her statement as she bit her lip in frustration.
“It hasn’t been easy at all for you, has it…Yuki is it?” Terri replied and Yuki nodded her head.
“Say…are you busy right now? Maybe we could talk over coffee or even catch a meal; I’ve got a gift card I’ve been meaning to use and I haven’t had dinner yet.”
“Are you sure…I don’t want to be an inconvenience,” Yuki responded as old habits intruded on recent successes with her self esteem.
“Oh, not at all. I just thought you might want to talk.” Terri knew that she desperately wanted to talk, and opening up in front of several strangers, however helpful it might become, wasn’t something she could do.
“It looked as if it was very hard for you to talk after you spoke at first. Maybe coffee or tea or something to eat? I’m starving, and I sure could use some company.” She played it up, but she was hungry and very, very tired, but company suited her needs more than rest at that point.
“If you’re sure?” Yuki practically began to retreat, but Terri reached out and touched her arm.
“Absolutely…my treat...it’ll be fun.” Terri wasn’t quite sure if it would be fun, but she knew the girl had to talk…and she had to listen.
Broadway Cellars Restaurant soon after…
“Teddy wanted so much to be like his Dad…he just didn’t know he would….you know? His Dad was killed in the first Gulf War…”
“I am so sorry. I felt that you needed to talk, but after you spoke and everyone…responded, it really got very difficult…I can see you have …some of the same issues that I do.”
“I don’t understand,” Yuki said even while fearing that she did indeed understand.
“I…know.” She looked directly into Yuki’s eyes and smiled; the warmth doing very little to help with the girl’s growing anxiety. Terri looked down briefly before returning her gaze upward.
“I…how did you know?” Yuki looked down, almost as if she was examining herself for telltale signs.
“Oh gosh…you don’t have to worry,” Terri shook her head and laughed softly. “You weren’t ‘read;’ least wise by anyone other than me. It’s the age old adage, ‘it takes one to know one?”
“You’re a …” She couldn’t even bring herself to use the word.
“Transsexual? In a way. You might say I’m pre-op on hold and counting.” Terri sighed.
“I don’t understand…on hold?”
“I was diagnosed earlier this year with Lupus; I’m in the early stages, and my immunologist says that my overall health is very good, considering. But?” Terri shrugged her shoulders and frowned and her expression was met with a sympathetic mirror frown by Yuki.
“With an immune system problem, I’m not a viable candidate for GRS. If I get better, the doctors will reassess my situation, but I’m not holding my breath. So I’m sorta quarantined on the Ellis Island of transition…I can’t go back…I won’t go back, but I’m not cleared to move into the New World, either.”
“I’m sorry…” Yuki sighed.
“Oh, don’t worry; I decided that I’m not going to look any more at the external …at least as far as what’s expected. I have my ups and downs with the disease, and that keeps me distracted enough along with my studies that I’ve come to fall upon God’s grace, and I think he looks at me and sees Terri, you know?”
“Still, you…you’re pretty.” Yuki began to turn red when she realized what she had just said.
“Thank you.” The conversation had gotten decidedly too focused on Terri so she changed the subject.
“Tell me about Teddy…where did you meet…he must have been something special…not too many men are willing to see us…like I said...how God sees us, I think. He must have been a really great guy.” Yuki nodded.
“Oh, he was…before…this?” She pointed to herself and used her hand in a broad circle in front of her chest.
“We were best friends growing up and he and I played baseball together…I realized just how much I loved him after I came out…when he backed away because of my gender thing…It didn’t just hurt because we were buddies…oh I did feel betrayed, but he came back...and when he came back…he realized just how much he loved me. He carried me off the field at our last game together… I was pitching and I got hurt and he picked me up…and he kissed me for the first time.” Her eyes began to mist, but it was over the sweetness of the memory rather than the grief alone.
“I can see just by looking into your eyes just how much he meant to you. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.” Terri turned away. How sad to lose one’s first love; how special to have a first love. Terry had resigned herself after her diagnosis that she was likely never to have a love at all. No longer a man…and not missing that part of her past, but unable to move forward, she felt hopeless and alone even while feeling more filled with grace and hope for others.
“Thank you,” Yuki said as the waitress came to the table.
“More coffee?”
“No thank you,” both of said, evoking giggle from the girl before she nodded and put the check on the table before walking away.
“It hurts to lose someone,” Terri said as she opened her wallet. She put a ten dollar bill on the table before laying a card on top of the check.
“I lost both of my parents within weeks…and I was in the process of coming out at the same time as my brother; my sister now, you might meet her since she’s enrolled at your school.
“What instrument does she play?”
“Several, but her main interest is in violin. Danni Davies. She’s had her heartstrings pulled hard, no pun intended. Our best friend…her girlfriend, actually, had to go back to Scottsdale to take care of her mom…a stroke.” Emily indeed had returned home, but even that had been anticipated for some time as she and Danni had drifted apart.
“And of course she was struggling with her own coming out…at the same time I was.” Yuki looked at Terri quizzically.
“Oh, yes…that…two siblings...transsexuals in the same family? Not as uncommon as you might think; sort of blows the whole ‘choice’ thing…well if not out of the water entirely, the ship is listing hardaport and taking on water fast…"
Terry paused and shook her head.
"Sorry…my Dad was thirty years in the Navy and old habits...” Even though her father and mother had been gone nearly three years, the ‘seems like only yesterday’ feelings still came like too-familiar friends that dropped by late after all the guests had gone.
“How about you; where’s home? I mean before you came here?”
“Oh, the Garden State…New Jersey…My mom…she’s thinking of moving out here; she has her own business going; mobile and doing quite well. You might have noticed?” Yuki repeated her circle gesture.
“I’m half Slav…Kerenski…My dad…moved back to Osaka a few years ago…He died... Mom has a boyfriend…pilot for FedEx…so he’s mobile, too. It’ll be…good.”
Yuki looked away and tears began to form once again. Terri touched her arm gently and she turned back.
“It’s so hard to lose someone so precious.” At the word, Yuki’s shoulders shrugged ever so slightly.
“Oh…I’m okay.” She pulled her arm away. “At least I will be.” She looked down and sighed.
Terri looked at her and her head seemed to move on its own as she shook it, but with a half-smile.
“Another old saying, Mrs. Dudek? You can’t kid a kidder!” Yuki looked at her and frowned, not so much at Terri as at herself.
“It hurts so much…we…I was…I am so proud of him, but….”
“You’re angry…that he chose that path…it pulls at you and then you feel bad because you feel bad.” She smiled and placed her hand once again on Yuki’s arm; this time without resistance.
“And you feel guilty about your anger…like somehow you’re not entitled?” Terri knew this, not only from study, but from experience. She had never told anyone her own feelings for Emily and the guilt she felt now that Emily was gone. She gripped Yuki’s hand.
“So you’re left, not just alone, but sad and maybe scared and angry and guilty…did I say angry?” She got the girl to laugh and it was genuine and relaxed; perhaps a brief return to ‘normal’ before being pulled back into grief. She didn’t notice but she had put her other hand on top of Yuki’s. The girl shuddered.
“I think you’ve already discovered this, but it always bears repeating, especially after group therapy when well meaning friends give you advice and maybe a bit too much instruction?’ Yuki leaned closer, seeking a gem.
“There’s no formula for grieving correctly, since there’s no correct way to grieve.” She smiled and tilted her head, almost waiting for a response. Her hand began to lightly trace…almost ‘doodle’ with her finger on the girl’s hand. Another shudder, but this time noticeable. Terri’s face grew red and she pulled her hand away as softly as possible. Yuki looked down and felt her own face grow warm.
“That’s….good advice,” the girl said awkwardly as Terry fumbled with her walled. A moment or two of silence passed before Yuki surprised her.
“Ah…do you have a card…maybe…I’m…there are support services at school, but I was looking for a church to go to and maybe find a therapist as well?” Yuki fumbled with her own purse.
“Oh…well…there’s a few good churches in the area that…well, you know…that welcome folks like us?”
“Brunettes?” Yuki quipped. This time it was Terri’s turn to relax as the girl’s soft laugh pierced the awkward embarrassment of moments before.
“That, too. You know those churches that just can’t bear the sight of brown hair…I used to be a blonde but then I went through my transition…” They both laughed and Yuki touched Terri’s hand. Terri shrugged her shoulders slightly, trying not to frown or smile or give any indication of any kind that the girl’s touch felt good. She reached into her purse and pulled out a small folder and opened to grab a business card, which she handed to Yuki.
“My number is on the bottom, but you can call the main number at the top; we have several folks we work with outside of the Seminary that do excellent work with grief and other issues.” Terri smiled slightly but her expression quickly became almost flat as she noticed the girl staring, not at the business card, but at her.
“Thank you for coming, Was everything okay?” The waitress said as she walked to their table once again. Not waiting for a response, she picked up the card and the check along with the ten dollars.
“Thank you…this is more than generous.” The waitress said before disappearing quickly, leaving the women to return to their awkward silence. Terri turned back and noticed that Yuki was still staring at her. Both women quickly looked down, each fumbling once again with their purses before Yuki broke the silence.
“Thank you.” She glanced quickly at the card before placing it in her wallet.
“You’re welcome…I’m…glad …we…met.” She said it almost robotically, evincing a half-frown from the girl sitting across from her.
“Me…too.” Yuki said with only a slight more enthusiasm.
A short while later...in front of Yuki's apartment...
Terri put in a CD…Lara Fabienne...Immortelle...before pulling away from the curb. She sighed deeply.
Yuki stood in her kitchen. Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini was playing in the background. She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of spring water. She paused before opening and sighed deeply.
A short while later at Terri and Danni’s apartment...
The sound of Nat Adderley’s “I Married an Angel” flooded the living room with melancholia as Danni sat on the couch looking thru a photo array on her laptop. She noticed Terri standing in the doorway and quickly turned it off.
“You don’t have to hide from me, Dan….” Her voice trailed off as she walked in the kitchen. She emerged a moment later with a bottle of merlot and two glasses.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Danni said, her head turned away as she tried to hide.
“You’re afraid that if you even talk about Emily….I know that you know…”
“You’re right. I miss her so bad, Ter…but….”
“You’re afraid it will hurt me if you talk about your own pain.” Terri sat down next to Danni and put the wine and glasses on the coffee table. Even before either of them…changed…they were always a bit physical and playful in their relationship; maybe a girl thing…but sibs for sure. She leaned closer and brushed Danni’s hair from her forehead, using her hand to rub her sister’s temple softly, almost like a comb. Danni went to push her hand away and Terri reached in and pulled her sister close.
“We both loved her more than we can say, but we both care too much about each other, sis.”
“This…hurts so bad.” Danni began to sob. She and Terri had known Emily since they all were little and it was like a piece of her had been ripped out…a vital part of her that threatened her own existence, or so she thought.
“I know…it’s worse than when Mom and Dad died,” Terri said, rubbing Danni’s back. Though Terri was training for ministry, it was sister to sister talking.
“We knew with Mom that it was only a matter of time, and even Dad with the stroke causing the car crash.” Terri stopped for a moment; it really was the first time in months that they had talked about the death of their parents.
To lose two parents in the space of four months while dealing finally about their gender issues? They hadn’t been hasty so much as very involved in the whole estate settlement and their subsequent transitions. Danni’s had gone smoothly, if setting aside quite a bit of her identity as Cam was smooth. And of course, the physical aspect of Terri’s transition came to a grinding halt when she was diagnosed with Lupus. Add to those already taxing challenges the fact that they were both in the middle of going to school as well. It was daunting to say the least, so their grief had been put on hold.
“But with Emily…it was like we thought life would never change; how the hell we got that idea? Emily was a rock to us…someone we could cling to…but…” As Terri talked, Danni put her head on her sister’s heart.
“We thought everything would go on forever…like with Mom and Dad taken, somehow we had all the hurt we deserved and we’d be fine. But…” Terri paused and gasped, looking down at her body.
“That’s not how it works, Dan…” She shrugged as if her illness meant nothing.
In some ways, her illness meant the world to her, since her perspective of life and even death had changed; maybe for the better. She glanced over at familiar photo, nicely framed and displayed prominently on the entertainment center; a black and white blow up of three girls in a photo booth. The very first picture of Danni and Terri Davies with Emily in between. It always seemed that Emily came between them, not to divide, but to cement them together like some sort of sibling crazy glue. Now that she was gone, they had to deal with life face-to-face.
“Danni?” Terri bit the inside of her mouth nervously, fearing what Danni’s response would be.
“You do know I would have….never…” It was almost too much for both of them to bear; too much sacrifice; too much loss; too much pain. Terri began to sob; overtaken by feelings of shame and guilt and even regret. Danni looked at her in surprise.
“Emily told me that you….you…she asked and you said you couldn’t. Of course I know. I…I think it was never meant to be…we were all like best friends, even though you were…my brother at the time…Emily was like a third sister, and I fooled myself into thinking it could have been anything else. I’m so sorry you’ve carried that pain all this time. And now…I’m so afraid I’ll lose this…lose you….” She pulled Terri over and they hugged once again. Danni wept hard enough that for a moment, no sound emitted from her; the grief of anticipated loss can cripple. Terri went to pull away and Danni gripped her arm almost hard enough to bruise.
“No…” she cried softly and Terri leaned back again and held her sister.
After a few minutes things settled down. The two still had each other, and who knew; maybe Emily would actually return after taking care of her own mother? And Terri felt overwhelmed with confusion.
“Have you had dinner yet? We can order in if you like? Mrs. Gennoverino gave me fifty bucks for watching her cat last week.” She smiled as she got up from the couch.
“I’m sorry…I already had dinner with someone I was counseling.” She had been counseling, hadn’t she? Closing her eyes, she did a mental inventory of the events of the evening. She felt entirely appropriate until her gaze fell to the table to recall the soft hand that she held; the playful etching with her fingernail softly on the back of the girl’s hand…the woman, actually…a widow with grief nearly too much to bear. How do you deal with losing the one love of your life?
“Oh, okay…I’ve got some soup from the deli I haven’t finished. Maybe tomorrow?” The voice seemed to be emanating from a tunnel as Terri’s concentration remained focused on the hand…she said she played piano.
“That hand…’ she thought of how the hands of the girl she had met might look moving rapidly up and down the keyboard.
“Chopin or Gershwin? Beethoven or Guaraldi? Haydn or Herrmann?” She mused as the tunes blended together nicely until she heard,
“Terri…are you okay? Terri? You’re getting weird on me.” Danni sounded like she was shouting, but it really was just the abrupt interruption of sound and sense as she realized she was unconsciously caressing her sister’s hand.
“Counseling, huh? Okay.” Danni laughed but Terri missed the humor entirely and just nodded and said,
“Yes…counseling.”
At Yuki’s apartment….the next day...
The sound of Guaraldi's Cast Your Fate to the Wind played softly even as light broke softly through the window in the living room. Margaret had gotten in to O’Hare the night before, and both she and Yuki were too tired to talk, for two decidedly different reasons, but a fresh sunrise gave strength, renewed enough at least to spur conversation.
They sat on the couch as their tea grew cold. It seemed every other word was painful enough to evoke tears.
“No, Dad never answered my emails… Uncle Masa wrote and said he had the same address… he just ignored me. He never even sent a card. Mom? Are you disappointed...in me?” There really wasn’t any reason for Yuki to question her Mom like that, but Margaret understood that she needed to hear what she already knew.
"Oh, God,no...honey...I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of you." Margaret shook her head no.
Yuki had sworn she wasn’t going to cry. Some days were better than others, but not a single day went by without thinking of Teddy, and that hurt enough that she cried every day for nearly three years. And it didn’t help that Teddy’s mother had written a very hurtful note, either.
“Mamasan? Why did God give him to me just to take him away….Momma Dudek said it was to punish me. It’s my fault he’s dead, Mom….If he hadn’t joined to prove what? That he was a real man? That he should have married a real girl? She told him he couldn’t be a real man because of me. Mom….He was coming home, Mommy….Why couldn’t she let him be?”
That her mother-in-law had apologized later did nothing to ease the pain of that cruel accusation. And Teddy never doubted Yuki one bit; his love and his faith in her never wavered. Yuki swallowed hard and looked around for something to drink. Her anti-depressants gave her dry mouth and all the crying left her dehydrated most of the time. She grabbed her cold tea off the coffee table and took a quick gulp.
“Honey…let me warm that up for you. You haven’t eaten all day and you only drank a bit.” Margaret shook her head.
“I’ve got one more quick trip to Seattle and then I’ll be home for a while.” Margaret was in the midst of purchasing a condo; actually she and her new fiancé’ Phil were.
“Maybe I can postpone it a week…you know. Be here for you?”
“No …Mom…I...I’m okay…The meds help, and I met some nice people at the group…the grief group.
“I didn’t help much as far as moving though, did it?” Margaret took a sip of her own cold tea. She got up and walked into the kitchen and filled the electric kettle with water.
“Reminders?”
“I can’t help it, Mom…every time I open a book or listen to music I think of him. I came across his first baseman’s mitt the other day when I was moving some boxes. A glove brings me to tears?”
“Is there anything that makes you feel good?”
“A happy memory? Mom…all of the memories are happy…I just can’t believe I’m a widow…this isn’t right. The TV had one of those crazy bride shows on the other day; everyone in the lounge is laughing at the show and it took all I could do to keep from bawling right in front of everyone.”
"I'm glad that you're at least listening to different music? You might find something more that you’re not familiar with…you know?”
“Yes, and to answer your next question, No…I don’t listen to Grieg much anymore”
She took another sip of water and continued.
“Why, Mom. I’m twenty-one; I know that’s not old, Mommy, but I’m…not supposed to be a widow.” She repeated herself, as if saying it would make it go away. She began to sob,
“What did I do…I must have…Oh…” She looked around; a room filled with memories that stopped short; too soon relegated to the past instead of ones to build on for the future.
Margaret walked back into the living room; sitting once again on the couch and holding her daughter. After awhile the sobbing ceased; Margaret kissed her on the cheek and laid her sleeping form down on the couch.
About an hour later, as Margaret was unpacking in the bedroom, she heard Yuki cry out. She quickly laid the clothes in her hand into the dresser drawer and ran out to the living room, where she found Yuki sitting up on the couch, looking out the window in a blank gaze.
“Honey…It’s okay…I’m here…you’re okay.” She said as she sat down on the couch next to Yuki again. The girl turned to her, and rather than the expected tears, the girl wore a confused smile.
“What…did you have a nightmare?” Margaret said, quickly grabbing her daughter’s hand. She held it and began to caress it softly to comfort, but the girl yanked it away.
“Stop!” she snapped, but added the softer…”Mom…don’t do that,” as she recalled another moment from the evening before.
“What…I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” Margaret looked at Yuki’s face as the girl stared at her right hand.
“N.u…no…” She bit her lip and her shoulders shook ever so little, but enough to cause her mother to half-frown.
“What…honey? Did something happen?” Something? Nothing happened, but everything had changed in just a brief moment.
“Mom? “ She said it almost in a whisper, and her downcast gaze spoke her mother more than just with words.
“Honey…what’s wrong….what’s going on…let me in, okay?” She went to reach for Yuki’s hand and she snapped ‘no’ again. The girl shook her head, more at her abruptness than at the gesture, but the gesture was everything.
“Yuke….baby….tell me, honey, okay?” She went instead to hug her daughter and instead of the anticipated withdrawal she heard instead,
“Oh, Mom…I’m so sorry…so…” She began to tear up, and Margaret knew it went beyond just a gesture.
“You’ve nothing to be sorry about, honey….you’ve been through so much…I understand.”
“Mommy…I don’t understand….How can I feel this way…how can I?’ Her look wasn’t about pain or loss; whatever was going on was eating at her, and Margaret softly probed.
“What’s wrong with how you feel, baby…what did you do?” Margaret didn’t believe Yuki did anything wrong, but it was clear to her that Yuki felt she had. The girl sighed and blinked back tears.
“I loved Teddy…with all my heart.” She said it almost as if it were a question. Margaret squeezed her shoulder and nodded ‘yes,’ and Yuki went on.
“How can I feel this way…he was…he is my best friend…and….” She would continue, but Margaret already knew; Mothers know …don’t they.
“You met someone?” Not an accusation, but a door for the girl to walk through.
“Ye…yes.” Another question…’can I ever be forgiven for being human?’ kind of question.
“Oh, Yuke…it’s okay…it’s okay,” Margaret was fairly sure it would be okay, but Yuki was convinced entirely otherwise as she began to cry.
“Mom…I feel…” She shook her head as the tears flowed freely. “I feel like…”
“You feel…like this other person might take Teddy’s place?” Her daughter was speechless in agreement, nodding emphatically if not enthusiastically, convinced her feelings were true.
“Honey…nothing…no one will ever take Teddy’s place….” She sighed, her own loss poking her hard as she recalled just how much she missed her son-in-law; her own life pushing her grief to the back of her own emotional line.
“You’ve got a big enough heart honey and Teddy would understand. It’s okay…it’s been nearly three years.” She regretted the last few words and quickly added,
“It still hurts…I know….there are days….nights where I still miss your father, and it was much, much easier for me than it ever was for you…but the heart does what it will.” She touched Yuki’s cheek softly.
“It feels like I’m leaving him.” At twenty-one, she felt guilty even though he was the one who ‘left’ her a widow, but Margaret knew exactly how she felt.
“Like you’re betraying his memory…like somehow if you fall…if you find someone it will hurt what you and he had? Do you think your love was so weak?” Again, not an accusation but a label to help her daughter face how she felt.
“N..no?”
“Honey…look inside yourself…would you feel guilty if your love for Teddy wasn’t strong? Would you feel that you could hurt his memory if you didn’t care enough? What would Teddy say?” The last question hit her hard, and Yuki began to sob.
“He….would….Mommy, it hurts so bad….I feel….like I’m…” she looked down at herself.
“Being pulled apart?” Margaret shook her head. And she smiled.
“The first time….Phil and I… Sweetie…your father and I have been apart for years, and I think sometimes I’ll never have the strength to forgive him…but there’s part of me that loved him enough…when Phil and I made love for the first time I cried for a half-hour…I drive him crazy…but your Dad and me? I felt the same way you do right now, and he hurt me so bad.” Yuki’s eyes widened as her mother began to cry softly, but it wasn’t for the memory of that love she had lost.
“How much more can it hurt for you when you and Teddy….so when someone new comes along….yes…I know exactly how you feel…maybe never exactly, but I know.”
“I miss him.” She repeated.
“And that makes you feel like you’re two people….like being pulled apart. You’re human…that didn’t stop when Teddy died honey….maybe it got even stronger….” Margaret shook her head and pulled Yuki closer, holding her so they were face to face.
“You’ve got a whole life to lead with Teddy, but it’s only going to be here,” she said softly, warmly with an affection only a mother can have for a son-in-law as she placed her palm over her daughter’s heart.
“But you’re stuck with the rest of us outside…where we all live,” She used her hand in a broad gesture as she pointed away from them both.
“And that includes this fellow you’ve met, okay?” Yuki’s eyes widened once again and she began to sob.
“Oh, honey…it’s okay…Teddy understands, I’ll bet more than you can know,” Margaret finished and she returned once again to caressing her daughter’s hand again, forgetting what had started the exchange in the first place. Yuki pulled her hand away quickly and gasped out between sobs,
“Not….him.” Margaret tilted her head in confusion as her daughter struggled to speak.
“Not who, honey…the new boy?”
“NO….not him…..her.” She said finally and collapsed in her mother’s arms in heaving sobs. Margaret looked away for a moment until it dawned on her exactly what her daughter had just told her. She sighed briefly in relief and blinked back her own tears and said softly but with an ease that came surprisingly,
“Oh…okay.”
One morning a few days later at the Seminary....
“Hey, Danni?” Nina looked up and saw the girl sitting patiently on the sofa across from her desk; patiently yet nervous as a younger appearing man sat beside her.
“You should just speak up, hon. Terri had to run to the doc…and before you start, she said not to worry. Some blood test results that seem to be promising. She says she’ll see you at home this evening, and don’t worry about dinner. That new Vietnamese restaurant in Cicero?”
“Oh…okay. I just wanted to talk to her. I guess I will see her at home, though.” Danni put her head down but noticed the young man sitting beside her seemed to be staring. She looked over at him with a glare that almost screamed, “So what do YOU want?” He answered her glare.
“I’m sorry for staring. You’ve got to be Terri’s sister, right? I can see the resemblance.” The man smiled, but Danni was in a particularly bad mood and took it the wrong way.
“Yeah, so…what of it? I guess you’ve never seen two transsexuals in the same family, huh? Welcome to the circus.”
“Wait…whoa…hold the phone, girl! I didn’t mean it that way. You bear a very strong resemblance to your sister….your eyes and your smile…Well; I guess your smile since it just went away! I’m sorry for staring, please.”
“Oh, damn it…I’m so sorry. I…I’m having a real bad day, and I just ….well, I’m the one who should be sorry. Please forgive me.” Danni shrugged her shoulders but turned away.
“That’s okay. I guess we all are allowed to have bad days. I know I’ve had my share, and my wife could have told you plenty about my behavior. Let’s start again, okay? I’m Rich Metheny. I work here.”
“Don’t let him fool you, hon. He doesn’t just work here…he’s the head of the Outreach Program for the whole school.” Nina said.
“You’re the head of the program? Aren’t you a little young for that?” Danni looked at him askance; the man appeared no older than mid-twenties, with an almost girlish face.
“He’s over thirty and he holds a Doctorate in Ministry as well as a PhD and PsyD from Columbia. Very smart!” Nina interrupted once again. She laughed softly and shook her head before returning her attention to the monitor on her desk.
“Guilty as charged, Miss. It was a real pain in seminary, especially when it was dress down day; I kept getting mistaken for one of the undergrads. It’s how I met my wife, actually. She wanted help finding the girl’s dormitory and when I walked her over there she asked me which room I had; maybe we could room together.” Danni’s eyes widened.
“We did end up rooming together,” he said with a laugh. “Just took a few years and a ring.” At the mention of the word, ‘ring,’ Danni looked down at his hand and noticed that it bore no wedding band. And he noticed that she noticed.
“Laurie passed two years ago…” His voice trailed off except for a deep sigh.
“I’m so sorry. She must have been someone really special,” Danni said, wondering why she felt that way.
“She was…” Nothing more, again his voice trailing off.
“I understand you’re a violinist….a virtuoso, from what Terri tells me.”
“I suppose,” Danni shrugged her shoulders.
“Not terribly enthusiastic….something upsetting you?” Rich half-frowned in sympathy. Danni needed to talk, and he was willing to listen…it’s what he did and who he was.
“I’m sorry to bother you…it’s really nothing.”
“For something that’s nothing it seems awfully substantial. You look disappointed.” She was, and she nodded reluctantly in agreement.
“I thought I’d had first chair sewn up, but they decided to give it to some other girl.”
“Here’s where someone might encourage you that you’d be the best second chair. I even bet someone already said that, right?” Rich tilted his head.
“Yeah…and….” Danni turned away.
“Losing something you’ve worked hard for doesn’t feel better with just words. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you want. I’m sure you’ve worked very hard for it, and it’s a major disappointment.” Danni nodded. She felt too vulnerable with a complete stranger reading her the way he did. She thought he was through, but he continued.
“And from the look on your face, it’s not the only disappointment you’re dealing with.” It was too much, and Danni stood up.
“Listen…it’s been good talking to you. Thanks for listening, but I’ve got to run.” She did have to run, but she had nowhere to run except from the man who had made her feel entirely welcomed and uncomfortable at the same time. She smiled once and quickly walked out of the office.
"Rich?" Nina spoke as she walked over.
"I get the heart thing. You wanted to connect with her loss? But here without knowing her? You r4eally made it all about you." Dr. Metheny turned a bright red and shrugged before nodding in agreement.
Nina smiled at him' well-meaning but really in need of taking his own advice. She hadn't meant to rub it it, but she added as she sat back at her desk.
"Oh...she plays for the other team...." She laughed softly as Rich's complexion grew even darker, but thankfully accompanied by his own, soft laugh.
That evening at the Davies' apartment...
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
“Mom…it hurts…so bad.” Danni lay on her bed; the last picture of her mother lay on the pillow beside her.
“Why didn’t you say something? I wish you and Dad were still here. You always knew what to say to make it all better.” She sniffled a bit and rolled on her stomach, putting her head on the pillow next to the picture. She heard a sound at the doorway and looked up to find Terri standing there.
“She knew what to say because she knew us. I think if she had more time, she would have said something to us, but she was in so much pain. The letter she wrote was as much as she could handle, and I think at the end she really felt sorry. You remember what she said?”
“’I’m so sorry for leaving you two alone,’ like it was her fault Daddy died in the accident. I never understood.
I was going thru some stuff and found the letter she wrote…let me read it, but think about it in light of what you just said.
My dear son…
There’s something I need to tell you, and it hurts that I didn’t speak sooner. I really thought I had more time.”
“There’s something you need to know about your brother. Cam is special. You know I think you’re special, too, Trev, but you need to know that he has a secret. A secret that I know about. That I’ve known about since he was little. And I am so sorry for both of your sakes that I didn’t say anything, because it’s really a good thing. And I never told him.
Cammy…I know. I’ve always known. Your Daddy loved you very much, but I don’t think he would have understood. I know about the times you’d sneak into my closet. I know about the things that went missing or were in disarray. You can’t fool someone like me; we’re both sort of obsessive, but even when you tried, I could always tell when things were disturbed. But I also know about the web-searches. The search for knowledge about who you are. The long nights on the computer when you’d fall asleep and I’d just click off so you wouldn’t be worried.
Your brother will know after this letter. All I want is for both of you to be happy. I love you both...Mom
“I get that she knew about me…but I’m not following you.”
“I never said a word to Mom, but she said she was sorry for both our sakes. Not just because I needed to know about you, but she knew about me all along. She wanted to share that with you, but I wouldn’t let her…I was too scared, and look what it did to us. I am so sorry, Danni…. please….please forgive me.”
“Oh…damn it, Terri…how can I get angry…you…you’re….I’m so scared you’re going to leave me…now that we’ve gotten to know who we are? Finally having a life. It just doesn’t seem fair.” Danni sat up and motioned for her sister to come over. Terri sat on the bed and they hugged. Terri winced from the simple act of an embrace; her pain threshold was still fairly high, but she had been having a particularly bad day with her Lupus.
“Oh, fuck….sorry….” Danni rarely swore, and the simple embarrassment of the profanity, coupled with her sister’s grimace sent her over the edge as she started weeping hysterically.
“Dan….Danni…it’s okay…I’m alright. I’ll be okay.”
“Damn it, Terri…you don’t know that. I don’t want you to die…Please tell me …promise me you’ll stick around….please.” Danni knew it was almost silly to ask, since Terri had no way of knowing how long she had. But she spoke anyway.
“I promise that I will try to be as strong as I can for as long as possible, but you’ve got to help me. I need you to be strong for both of us as well, okay?” Danni wiped her face with her sleeve and nodded.
“Why does it hurt so much? Mom and Dad gone and I feel like you’re slipping away fast….and with Emily gone; I don’t have anybody who cares like you. Nobody ever cared for me like Em, and now….”
“What?” Terri knew that Emily was likely not going to return, with her commitment to caring for her mother, but Danni’s face hinted at something even more permanent.
“She…she’s found someone.” Danni shook her head. She and Terri had already settled their heretofore unknown rivalry for their best friend, but even at that, she felt a loss like nothing she’d ever known.
“I sort of expected that after her last letter to us…the nurse from the hospice agency and she hit it off like old friends, and you know how loving and caring Em is, hon. She’s all the way across the country and we’re here.” The explanation made sense, but did nothing to change Danni’s feelings.
“I know…and I understand and I’m even happy for her; she deserves the best! But it still hurts, Ter…it hurts.” She put her head on her sister’s shoulder and began to cry once again. Terri felt so helpless to comfort her; she had a hard time up until recently believing she would ever feel that way again…able to want for affection herself, but recent events began to pull down defenses and build a new welcoming atrium of sorts in her own heart.
“It’ll get better. That I know for a fact, and I promise I’ll be here to see it happen for you, hon….okay?”
Danni nodded but the smile on Terri’s face acted opposite to her intent and Danni fell into her sister’s arms and cried once again. Disappointment doesn’t back away with any promises, and only seems to dissipate as things get better. Terri prayed for both their sakes that it would be soon, since even as she promised, the pain of the day reminded her that things for her own sake were getting worse and fast.
Seminary Administration…Nina’s office...
“Excuse me,” Yuki said softly. “Is…Is Teresa Davies going to be in the office? I…I understand she does her internship here?” Nina peered over her glasses at the girl sitting quietly on the sofa.
“I’m sorry; she went home sick today. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“I…just wanted to stop by to say hi. She was kind enough to treat me to dinner the other night and I just wanted to return the favor. She went home sick? Is it anything serious?”
“She’s okay…a bit achy…She helped with a presentation yesterday and she just overdid it, and had a flare-up…” Yuki looked at her oddly and she continued. “Her Lupus.” Yuki’s eyes widened in surprise. In the entire time they spent that evening, Terri hadn’t once mentioned her illness. Nina noted her surprise.
“I’m sorry, I thought you knew. She’s actually doing quite well, so to speak. Her doctors have been encouraging, and she’s always positive.
The Davies sisters’ apartment…later that afternoon…
“Terri…you home?’ Danni called from the kitchen.
“I’m in here…Can you bring me some tea?” Terri called from the bedroom.
“Sure.” A few minutes later Danni walked into the bedroom with a tray and two mugs.
“You okay? Nina left a voice mail saying you had to come home.”
“I’m okay, Dan…I’m just tired. Can you….” Her voice trailed off, almost embarrassed.
“Anything…what?”
“You’ll think I’m a baby…” She gasped.
“Terri…if anything, you’re a hero…” Danni put the tray on the desk and sat down on the bed.
“That’s…that’s just it, Danni…I’m not a hero…I’m nothing….I’m not even a girl.” Terri turned her head away, covering her face with a pillow.
“That’s not true...well in a way it is true, ‘cause you’re a woman…and you are my hero.” Danni put her hand on Terri’s shoulder, and the girl winced.
“Stop it, Danni…please. I can’t be a hero...I’m so tired of being brave for everyone. ‘Oh, here’s Terri Davies, class; she’s an example of abiding faith!’ ‘Let’s welcome Terri Davies, she’s a real Proverbs Thirty-One Woman,’ as if the women in class weren’t. I’m the pretender. I’m the one walking around in drag.” She bit the inside of her mouth and started to shake a bit.
“No…you’re not a pretender. I don’t know anyone who is more like what I want to become than you.”
“Dan…stop it…I can’t live up to your expectations…please…I can’t keep trying hard all the time. I’m tired and I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do anymore except pray, and even that doesn’t work.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I …I don’t want to have anyone in my life right now…it’s not fair to them, and I can’t handle being….”
“You’re afraid the girl you met won’t want you when she knows the truth, right?” Danni rubbed her back but she winced once again, this time more from the achiness in her shoulders but she still felt ‘wrong.’
“No…..yes…I don’t know. When Em left I figured it was all over…I don’t know how long I can keep up…I feel like I’m in a race and I’m falling more behind with each lap. And then she comes along…..like she’s standing on the side holding a bottle of water for me and there’s one more person to please by staying in the race!”
“Don’t say that. You’re acting as if this is all one big contest….like you’re competing….you’re not, Ter…you’re running for your life….’let us run with patience? The race that is set before us? Our own race….Ter?”
“Easy for you to say…you’re not stuck…I’m stuck with this body…this waste of flesh….I can’t go forward and I can’t go back. I don’t want to be the example any more. Let them look to someone else. Hell Dan…I don’t care anymore. I just want to go home.”
“Oh, jeez, Ter….please, don’t ever say that.” Danni gasped, and tears welled in her eyes.
“It’s true…I can’t be everything for everyone any more. And I don’t want to care about another human being. It hurts too much!” Her shaking grew more intense.
“But that’s just it….You know you already care for her. You told me all about her and how she touched you…I don’t think it’s in you not to care, Terri….maybe why you’re so tired….” Danni looked at her shivering sister and shook her head.
“I’m sorry…you know what I mean…Emotionally….but I think it would be worse for you if you couldn’t care…it’s who you are. It’s why you’re my hero.”
“I…Danni…could you…please hold me?” Terri choked on the last words. Danni laid down next to her sister and she held her; the cuddling that they had done ever since they were little; sister to sister even if they didn’t know they were ‘sisters’ when they were young. The physical touch was painful; Terri’s achiness could hardly bear the weight of her own clothes and Danni’s embrace literally hurt. But the benefit of a loving sister even now outweighed any pain she endured, and she gave way to relieved sobs. Her body convulsed from the mixture of pain and love.
“Shhhhh….shhhhh.” Danni whispered, almost in a sing-song, stroking Terri’s hair.
“I….I’m so sorry….” Terri protested, as if being human was something to be forgiven.
“No…honey…it’s okay….I’m here….it’s alright.” Danni’s voice seemed to do something almost supernatural, but really it was almost her nature. Both of their parents had been gentle souls; twin halves of the same caring being, their pastor had said. Terri favored their father, who was as gentle and motherly in so many ways as their mother. But Danni had always favored their mother; almost destined to follow her in so many ways; the ear for music and the nurturing. Her voice, once she broke free of the reins of convention when she transitioned, seemed to duplicate their mother’s soft, welcoming tones. She began to sing….
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
Yuki’s apartment…about the same time…
“Mom…I’m….” Yuki’s expression told Margareteverything before she finished speaking.
“Confused?” Yuki nodded.
“It’s not so cut and dried as some folks would have you believe, honey. You were expecting what everyone told you to expect, right?” Margaret placed a cup of chicken broth in front of her daughter, and sat down.
“I was married, Mom…to my best friend. I’m not supposed to feel this way.” She began to mist up; a mess of emotions someone had labeled in group the other day; not mess in a bad sense, but everything mixed together and almost impossible to separate without harm.
“I bet someone told you that you had to be in love with Teddy…that you couldn’t love someone so soon, right?” Yuki shook her head no but quickly changed it to a reluctant nod.
“And you feel like anything is a betrayal of your love for him, right?” Another nod, this one accompanied by guilty tears.
“Do you think Teddy would want you to be alone?” Yuki looked down at the table and sighed, but shook her head no.
“Well, I don’t think he would, either.” Margaret took a sip of broth. Yuki looked up and then away, almost ashamed of the question she was about to ask.
“Mom…why did God make me this way?” She looked down at her body. Margaret turned it around.
“Do you think there’s something wrong with you, hon?” She thought about stroking the girl’s hair but held back.
“I don’t know. I don’t fit…I’m…there must be something wrong….I feel….”
“Guilty?” The girl nodded.
“If God made you the way you are, can you be guilty of being who you are?”
“N…no?” The question practically begged for validation.
“I don’t know why god made you the way you are but I do know I love you and He loves you and a whole bunch more people love you as well. That must count for something, right?” Another nod.
“So what do you do about Teresa? Is that what the real question is? How can you love someone after Teddy and how can that someone be a girl. You’re a girl, right?” Margaret’s last question was more of a statement. She didn’t wait for a response.
“And girls are supposed to love boys…is that what someone told you?” Yuki began to cry. She pushed the mug of broth away and put her head down on the table.
“Honey…you love who you love. I can’t think of anyone more loveable than you; I know that you blessed Teddy so much. Maybe Teresa needs you in her life.
“Mom…she’s …very sick….very!” The girl almost protested.
“It sounds almost like you want someone to talk you out of loving her. Well, sorry to disappoint you, baby, but it ain’t gonna be me. Like I said you love who you love. Warts and all. Did Teddy even think not to love you once he fell in love with you? He knew what he was getting himself into. All the teasing. The rejection by some folks. The confusion he felt? Did he walk away?” It hurt to hear her.
“It’s different, Mom.”
“Why…because she might die?” The girl winced at the word. Of course that’s what it was.
“I can’t do this again, Mom…it hurts too much.”
“Would you go back in time and tell Yuki not to fall in love with Teddy, knowing what you know now…even with that hole in your heart where he lived?” Margaret swallowed and continued.
“Would you push away all the memories of finding your true love was your best friend? Would you walk away from your wedding and your first night? Would you tell your self never to be vulnerable…to forget just how much love the young man had in his heart for you.” By now Margaret was struggling to keep from crying herself; she had loved Teddy as much as any mother-in-law ever could love, and she missed the boy as well.
“Mom…what if she dies? What if we get together and she dies? How do I deal with that? I can’t bear another loss. I can’t.” She put her head down again. Margaret touched her head gently and looked upward, seeking wisdom.
“A lot of questions don’t have answers until you’re ready to answer them when they come along; you won’t know what if, honey. None of us do. But you never thought you’d be sitting here, missing Teddy like you do but still strong and still alive, and even in love, but you are. You’ll be okay….That’s pretty much the only promise you can hold onto, but it’s a good one, baby. You’ll be okay.”
“Mom…would you do me a favor?”
“Of course, hon…what?”
A few minutes later, the two lay side by side, back to front as Margaret held her daughter close, kissing the girl’s neck softly and cooing ‘It’s okay, baby…it’ll be alright,’ over and over.
The following day at the Music Institute…
“Danni?” the girl said timidly. Danni turned around and found herself face to face with the girl who had usurped her spot for first chair violin. Elaine Peterson…hated arch rival, if she could be typified as such. The girl was an arch-rival only in Danni’s mind; at least until recently.
“Yes?” Danni eyed her suspiciously; old but recent habits still die hard.
“I wanted to talk with you about first chair.” Just when she was ready to let it go, the girl brings up the one thing she wants more than life itself; at least what she thought she wanted.
“What about it?” Danni practically snapped at her, but the girl remained unfazed and even pleasant.
“I talked it over with Tula? She’s willing to slide into third chair behind you and Odie. I’m going to go over to Viola, so you’ll be first chair. I hope that’s okay?” She smiled and Danni tilted her head in wonder.
“I don’t understand. Sure that’s okay with me, but won’t Andrew be upset about being bumped back to second Viola?”
“Oh…I’m not taking first…I’ll be third.” She smiled once again. Danni looked over and noticed a woman standing off to the side, nodding and smiling at Lainie with pride.
“That’s very…kind of you.” Danni shook her head, a reluctant acknowledgment of the girl’s gesture. But the girl wasn’t finished.
“I know it’s been really hard on you. If you weren’t worried about your sister the other day at auditions, I bet you would have done much better. I can’t sit in first chair knowing that. You’ve got enough to deal with. I’m really happy to do this. You deserve the best.” Lainie smiled at her once again. It was too much. All of the tension that had been building the past several weeks came out in an instant. Danni fell back into a folding chair and began to weep. Several of the string section stared at her, but Lainie fell to her knees beside the girl.
“It’s okay, Danni. It’s okay.” She had barely exchanged ten sentences altogether with the girl, and yet here she was, speaking words of comfort. If the girl had intended to quiet Danni, she had failed miserably, because the girl in the chair wept even harder, evoking even more soft words of encouragement; simple and repetitive, perhaps, but healing as well.
“It’s okay….shhhhhh….shhhhhh…..”
I have no gift to bring....
Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
yuki's wish - playing, freedom, music...all for what if not to be the girl i am
lainie's hope - maybe now they'll listen...more than just playing...maybe now they might hear
danni's dream - the dawn awakens my soul no longer the same now new my heart sings
terri’s challenge — my voice, my heart…my life are yours for as long as I live…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=537n7H7DNI4
“Why? I don’t understand?” Danni sat stunned. Len, one of the flautists, had brought her a bottle of water. She looked into Lainie’s eyes, and saw nothing but compassion.
“I know what you’ve been going through. I talked to your sister.”
“What? You talked to her? You had no right.” Danni protested but shook her head almost immediately after she spoke.
“I….I’m sorry….I just.” She began to tear up again. Lainie reached into her bag and produced a handkerchief.
“Here….it’s okay. Drink some water….shhh.” Lainie had barely exchanged three or four sentences before today and here she was acting like a mother hen.
“I….I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just accept the fact that you’re the best violinist in school…maybe in Chicago at this point. It’s alright. Like I said, I know you didn’t have a chance to give your best the other day. Your sister’s been on your mind, and I can’t let that go. She’s a doll, by the way.” Lainie laughed at the turn of phrase.
“But what about you?”
“I love the viola, so it’s everything is good!”
“But to take third chair? It’s not fair to you.”
“It’s not a matter of what’s fair….it’s what’s best for everyone. I still get to play in a great orchestra with great musicians, and all the music is fantastic.” Danni looked at her and stared, wide-eyed and amazed.
“Don’t worry…I know what you’re thinking. It’s alright to be competitive. It’s alright to strive to be the best. But I figured out in the past few years that I needed to be the best person….the best woman I could be.” She smiled as if it was the easiest thing, when nothing could have been further from the truth.
“We have to stick together.” Danni’s eyes widened again and she shook her head before putting it down as her face reddened in embarrassment and shame.
“What’s wrong? Did I upset you? I’m sorry.” Lainie looked at the sad girl and her face reddened as well, although she would have been hard pressed to explain just why she was embarrassed too.
“No…it’s just that it’s hard enough being a transsexual, but I get really scared and worried when someone reads me.”
“You…you thought? Oh, god.” Lainie started to laugh.
“What’s so funny,” Danni snapped as she looked around. The other students had already moved off, either to leave for the day or to socialize off to the side, giving the girls privacy they hadn’t expected.
“You think this is funny?” She frowned and shook her head.
“It is when you take what I said the wrong way. When I said we have to stick together I meant as musicians….the string section?” She laughed softly and with an almost lilt to her voice.
“Oh, god….what did….you meant violins? Oh, god, oh god.” Danni shook her head again.
“It’s alright. Nobody heard you, and besides, nobody I know could tell. I only know because your sister told me about herself and let slip about you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“I’m sorry…I’m so touchy about it. My Mom knew and never told me. I wonder about my Dad, but I don’t think he could have handled it.” Danni shook her head once again, as if she was ashamed.
“From what I can tell from you and your sis, I don’t think your Dad would have cared, if who you two are is any indication of your parents. You two seemed to have turned out okay.”
“I…I am so sorry. I have been such a brat to you….and here you’re trying to help me.”
“It’s alright. The last thing you need to be worried about is guilt, okay? Just keep in mind what I said about sticking together.” Her smile was disarming and made Danni feel more than just a little uncomfortable. A dark haired girl stepped closer and put her hand on Lainie’s arm.
“We’ve got to get going, sweetie. Mom and Dad’s flight is due in at seven, and we’ve got a whole lot of stuff to get ready. I’m sorry, please excuse me; I didn’t need to be so abrupt and rude. I’m Gennie, Lainie’s partner? My Mom and Dad are visiting this week, and we’re really pressed for time. I heard about you; Danni, right? Lainie says you’re the best violinist she’s ever heard, and that’s a lot coming from her.” Gennie looked at Lainie with pride once again as the girl stood up. She put her hand on Danni’s shoulder and reached once again into her bag. A moment later she thrust a piece of paper into Danni’s hand.
“Call us, okay. Maybe you and your sis can come over for dinner this week. I’m sure my in-laws will love to meet you both.” The girl couldn’t have been more charming if she tried. She nodded once and then the two were off, leaving Danni sitting alone wondering just what had taken place. One thing for certain; her insecurities weren’t at all abated, but refocused as she sighed, wondering if she was the only person she knew who didn’t have someone to love.
Meanwhile...the Davies Sisters Apartment...
“May I speak with Yuki Dudek?” Terri asked.
“Oh…hi….didn’t mean to interrupt…no?” Terri apologized.
“Can we get together for coffee? This afternoon, if you’ve….oh….tonight? Yes…that’s good. May I pick you up? Six-thirty is good….maybe we can grab a bite to eat? Your treat? Okay? See you then…”
Terri’s voice faded away even as the dial tone droned in her ear. She sighed deeply, hoping she was doing the right thing.
D'Agostino's Pizza and Pub...a bit later...
“This place has the best calzones.” Yuki said with a soft laugh. If you’re not from Jersey or New York, Chicago is the best place for pizza and calzones in the whole world.” She said with a broad gesture of her hand.
“And that’s coming from someone with the obviously right background….Slavic and Japanese.” Yuki hoped her comment would deflect any serious conversation at least until after they ate. She was wrong.
“Well, you ought to know.” Terri laughed, but her frown belied the humor of the moment.
“We have to talk!” She put her hand on Yuki’s, and the girl pulled away, grabbing her Diet Sprite.
“The pizza here is great, too. Especially the Sicilian with onions and peppers.” She took a sip of her soda and turned to look at the map of Italy hanging on the wall by their booth.
“Yuki…please.” Terri put her hand on Yuki’s once again; this time gripping the girl’s wrist.
“No…no changing the subject. This is important.”
“I know….I’m….I’m just….it’s just that I don’t want to have this conversation. I’m afraid if I say what I feel we’ll both regret it.” She looked away briefly, as if the wall revealed a script for her to read. She turned back and faced Terri.
“I swore to myself I wouldn’t let this happen….I’m a married….I’m a widow.” She began to tear up just a bit. Taking a big breath, she continued.
“I have only known one love in my life. He’s still a big part of my heart, and if I let someone else….”
“But, Yuki….let me explain…” Terri tried to interrupt, but Yuki cut her off.
“No…let me finish…or I won’t have the strength to say what I need to say.” Yuki looked away once again and her face turned crimson and hot.
“I can’t see you, Terri. I just can’t. It’s too soon.”
“You don’t understand.” Terri protested, grabbing Yuki’s wrist once again. She squeezed it enough to evoke a soft ‘ow’ from the girl.
“I can’t see YOU!” Terri blurted out, loud enough for the elderly couple in the next booth to turn around before returning to their meal.
“I can’t be a burden to you….you mean too much to me, and I have too much going on in my life right now to put that on you…., okay?” Now it was time for Terri to sigh deeply and tear up.
“I’m doing much better; the doctor is wondering if there’s some sort of reversal going on….the past few weeks look better than at any time in the past few years…” Yuki’s face brightened but Terri shook her head.
“No…it’s too soon to tell, but even if? I can’t rely on remission when the next bend in the river might be right over a waterfall. I can’t put that on you.” She shook her head; she didn’t want to say no. Who would want to face life alone? Yuki’s face turned from bright to angry in a second.
“Wait just a second. You don’t get to say what I can handle or not. Only I get to make that determination. I’m not a little kid….I’ve been married and widowed…for god’s sake, Terri. You and I are going through the biggest challenges anyone ever could with our gender stuff. How much harder must life be for us? Don’t we get to live?”
“You seem to forget! You get to live…I don’t. I can’t even….” Terri sighed heavily and looked down at herself. Her face grew red once again, but not from embarrassment. She was ashamed and saddened by her own body; a body that would never truly be female unless some miracle removed the disease from her. She put her head down.
“Do you think that makes any difference to me? I don’t care what you can or can’t do! I don’t care what you look like under your clothes. The face that smiles….the eyes that sparkle even when you’re tired and scared. That’s what I see.” Yuki shook her head, more from anger at herself. Faced with loss, she grabbed what she could from two lives both thought were irretrievable.
“But you said you weren’t ready….I can’t ask you…” Terri protested, but Yuki interrupted.
“There you go again. Tell you what. I’ll ask you. Makes it that much easier. Then it’s what you want or don’t want; no excuses. You either want me or you don’t. I’ve already decided I want you!” She looked over Terri’s shoulder to see the woman in the next booth smile at her. She nodded her head and continued.
“You can’t go through this alone, and you can’t ask your sister to give up her own life….I know you’re close, but you don’t have to put that on her; let me help….let me care. For Christ’s sake, Terri, let me in!” Yuki was small and at one time maybe even very fragile. But the same girl who had been carried through her relationship with Teddy Dudek, as wonderful as that was, became a girl willing and able to bear someone else’ burdens.
“I can’t ask you….” Terri cried, almost sobbing. She was desperate to be loved but too afraid to let go.
“No excuses, remember? You can’t put off living just because you might die. Everybody dies, Terri. I know better than you what that’s like, so don’t tell me you can’t ask. And I’m not even asking anymore. I’m telling you. Let go and let me in!” Yuki practically shouted the words and now it was her turn to squeeze Terri’s hand; a bit harder than she wanted.
“No….I can’t….what kind of life can I bring to you? How can I….I can’t….” Terri shook her head.
“You mean you won’t….” Yuki wasn’t angry with Terri so much as with the disease that finally seemed to be taking a toll on the girl’s spirit.
“You can do this. I need this more than anything in the world, Terri. I don’t know why, but I really care about you, even though we hardly know each other. Please…for both our sakes, open up and let me in.”
Terri Davies looked at Yuki through believing eyes; probably the first time in a very long while that she began to care for herself as much as she cared for the needs and hopes and dreams of her friends and her sister. And she gave in. She put her head down on Yuki’s hand and sobbed. The girl stroked her hair and cooed softly,
"Do wesela się zagoi….shh shhhhh.” Words that her mother spoke to her when she was little and even more recently when she lost Teddy….Don’t cry….it will be alright….shh shhhhh.”
Si perdue dans le ciel
Ne me restait qu'une aile
Tu serais celle-lá
(So lost in the sky
I only had one wing left
You would be that one)
The Friday before Thanksgiving; rehearsal hall...
A Sorority of sorts had developed over the last few months. The stage seemed almost Spartan; Amazonian Yuki would quip more than once. She sat at the grand piano, wearing a long navy cardigan to keep the cold drafts of the theater at bay. Danni stood next to the piano, her violin in her left hand and a can of Diet Coke in her right. Yuki looked over at her and glared. Danni crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue before producing a piece of cardboard that she placed on the top of the piano.
"Got it, Maestra!"
Danni smiled and placed the can on the cardboard. As she sat down she turned to face the girl in the chair on her right; a picture of warmth in leggings and sweater and hat. Lainie nodded and smiled before placing her cello in front of her. The two had developed a pact of sorts, forged from a new friendship fueled by the unbridled love and acceptance that Lainie and Gennie had shown to Danni. She and Lainie swapped back and forth between cello, viola and violin, with a violone'...an upright bass thrown in for good measure.
A quick nod and they began. Rapid and filled with power but an underlying current of sadness; almost a lament of what could have been, Lainie had said. All three girls had made an odd pact of sorts when they discovered just how much more in common they had.
"I'm glad that Christine has been able to return to facilitate this group. I've found it so helpful that I hope you don't mind if I continue to attend?" Terri said as she smiled and nodded at Christine who had recently returned after a two week help out with sister's new baby absence.
"I think it's great, Danni said, having joined the group only a week before they had called on Terri to fill in. And of course Yuki was thrilled since it was three weeks past the day where they celebrated a promise to unity; Danni was very disappointed for the two of them and wasn't shy about saying so. "You're wives, I don't care what the State of Illinois says!" Lainie had come along with Gennie after her welcome to Danni linked them as friends. The five grew closer as friends even as the three girls knitted together almost as one in their music....
As they finished playing, Lainie nearly squealed with joy; they played superbly, but the feeling between the three and the music and each other is what really made the performance. Yuki nodded and smiled; sighing almost with a relief; time had passed between sad memories and the building of new ones. And Danni just stayed seated, looking almost distracted.
"So what do you want us to bring?" A voice came from off stage as Gennie stood and clapped softly in applause. Danni looked at her almost sideways as her eyes widened in confusion.
"You know? Thanksgiving...big bird...lots of food? Day before Black 'I'm ready to shop' Friday?" Yuki said. Danni turned around and stared at her before the reality of the coming holiday sunk in....
Si traá®nant dans mes ruines
Ne brillait rien qu'un fil
Tu serais celui-lá
(So trailing in my ruins
Shone nothing but a thread
You would be that one>
“What? You didn’t!” Danni scaled the magazine across the living room in frustration. Terri had the presence of mind to duck, but the teddy bear on the book shelf wasn’t as alert and ended up on the floor covered by the issue of Modern Bride.
“Hey…that’s not mine!”
Terri laughed as she wheeled over to the bookcase and picked up both bear and magazine. Most days were wheel-chair free, but today she had a particularly long day, even if it was fruitful and rewarding. Spousal rights vs. domestic partnership didn’t seem fair in light of what folks believed or not about marriage, but Terri and Yuki had no strength to crusade; the next generation or their contemporaries would fight the good fight while they enjoyed a much-earned rest on the sidelines. Danni ignored the protest and continued.
“I thought you and Yuki were going out with her mom for Thanksgiving. Now it’s them and Lainie and Gennie? Just who the hell do I pair off with?” Her lip pushed out in a pout that was only displayed a bit of self-pity. She had been depressed for quite some time, and Terri’s attempt at pulling her up out of that familiar pit seemed to do just the opposite.
“It’s not about couples, Danni…you know Deidre and Nita from the support group will be coming. Nita’s boyfriend is back in Germany after his leave, and Deidre is not looking for that right now.”
“Oh, hell, Ter…I know…it’s just…” Danni put her head down; even as a ‘boy’ growing up, she was the emotional one of the two, but even more so lately, what with her sister gaining a life-partner.
“Lainie and Gennie tied the knot last fall before Lainie had her surgery. It’s just not fair.” Danni plopped back on the couch and grabbed the rescued magazine off the coffee table and opened it up.
“Look at them…did you ever see something so phony….and so….wonderful?” She shook her head as she scanned the two-page ad in the center of the magazine; the bride looking somewhat disinterested and the groom looking downright thrilled. Where guilt and shame came from, she probably might figure out later, but at that moment, the same thoughts and accusations came to her once again.
“I should have never done it, you know?” Terri shook her head in frustration at the sound of Danni’s nearly weekly mantra.
“Would you just shut up? Please? Just for once, can at least one of us enjoy the fact that we’re finally who we’re supposed to be?” She screamed; her sorrow for her sister was surpassed only by her frustration over her sister’s loss of faith. She wasn’t so much angry at Danni as angry at herself for failing in her own calling. Danni could play the hair off a bow, but Terri felt useless as a minister; enough self-doubt to go around with plenty enough left over to leave on the table at Thanksgiving as holiday favors.
“I’m sorry, Sis, but not everyone is as blessed as you are.” Danni realized what she had said when Terri rolled around the end of the coffee table and rolled over her foot with her wheelchair.
“Oh, damn….” She looked at Terri. A second later Terri was laughing as she pulled Danni down onto her lap in the chair. The two started to laugh together; their sound had always had some odd harmony when they laughed together, and now had developed into a nice alto/mezzo duet. Terri coughed a bit before finally saying.
“You know I’m going to need some help; Yuki and her mother will be making some Kielbasa dish and some chicken dish called Tatshutaage. Everybody loves you; you don’t have to pair off with anybody!” Terri hadn’t meant to be abrupt with Danni, but she was nonetheless.
“Fine…I’ll come and help out, but don’t expect me to hang around….I hate my life and I don’t want to be around anybody, okay? Easy for you to say I don’t have to pair off. You didn’t lose the love of your life and now you’ve found her. What about me, Ter….”
Between a new medication for her depression and her flair for the dramatic, her plea quickly descended into histrionics as she scaled the magazine across the living room once again; sparing the recently repositioned teddy bear but knocking a picture of their parents off the wall, shattering the glass and breaking the frame. Terri over to the shelf once again and picked up the photo; a bit bent but still intact. Danni stared at the picture in Terri's hands before she burst into tears and ran to her room.
Danni lay on her bed; she was too busy crying to hear the soft steps behind her as Terri climbed out of the wheelchair and into bed. A moment later the two sisters were holding each other. Big sis to little sis; just as it had always been in one form or another.
“I miss Mom.” Danni sobbed. Why did they have to die? I feel so alone.” Danni looked at Terri before burying her face in her sister’s breast in shame.
“Shhhh….shhhh.......I know…you miss them and I can’t take their place. I know that Dad would just pat you on the head and tell you that everything is going to be alright.’ Terri said as she mirrored what she had just said.
“But Mom…she’d know what to do. She could always …fix things.”
“Mom would try and most of the time she’d succeed, hon…but she couldn’t fix everything….She cried all day on my birthday.”
“Because she knew she was going to die?” Terri nodded but added quickly,
“Yeah, but we never got the chance to tell Dad, and you already knew…She was so broken up after I came back from Tucson….”
“She couldn’t fix you? Is that what she was hurt about?” Danni put her face next to Terri’s and rested against her cheek.
“Yes…I think she fought even harder after the doctor told her about me than when her doctor told her about her. If she was here, she’d still have something to say, but love doesn’t always listen to a mom’s prayers, Dan…sometimes we just have to let go.” Terri remembered the day she surrendered to the love that was planned for her before she was even born.
“I don’t know what to let go of, Ter…or what to grab onto when my hands are free.” Danni began to sob again. Terri cupped her cheek with her hand and supported it while she kissed the bridge of Danni’s nose and felt the flutter of her sister’s eyelids.
“Shhh….shhhh….we’ll figure it out together. I just have to believe we’ll figure it out. We just need some help.” Terri pulled Danni close and hummed softly; a lullaby tune she had made just for Danni when they were little. Soon the two had fallen asleep awaiting the help that would come in a completely unexpected but not unfamiliar form.
There's a time for us
Someday a time for us
Time together
With time to spare
Time to learn
Time to care
Someday
The Davies sisters' apartment..
The sound of Faure's Pavane filled the apartment. Danni idly moved her fingers to the music; her eyes closed in near rapture. She barely heard the clinking of glasses and plates as Yuki finished the dishes. Lainie and Gennie and the rest of the guests had already departed, leaving Danni and Yuki to attend to the remainder of the holiday. Terri had fallen asleep on the couch; this time happily more because of the soft and soothing sound of the music rather than the exhaustion that usually plagued her afternoons and evenings.
“Would you like some tea?” Yuki called out from the kitchen. Hearing no reply, she poured a cup for her and for Danni and brought them into the living room and placed her cup on the table in front of the sofa. She spoke again, this time a bit louder.
“Hey…got some tea for you, okay?” Danni raised her head slightly and half-smiled. The tea was welcome, as was her sister’s partner’s company. It was an odd relationship since Danni’s music had almost drawn her away from her own pain, but in doing so, drew her away from the burgeoning romance right in front of her eyes; eyes that preferred not to look at love, lest they be disappointed.
“I’m sorry; it must feel like I’m intruding. You and Terri are so close. I didn’t mean to come between you, and I hope I haven’t hurt you in any way.” This coming from a young lady all too well acquainted with hurt as a widow who only now was recovering from her loss; a loss that was cushioned and surrounded and treasured by the love of a girl with her own pain and grief.
“That’s okay.” Danni said lamely, looking away.
“No, it’s not. You seemed so far away during dinner; like something was pulling you from us.” Yuki looked out the window as if some force was still in operation; working against Danni’s need for connection there and now.
“I…it’s hard to explain. It’s not okay, but it is, if that makes any sense?” She put her head down in thought before continuing.
“I’m not upset with you; it’s just that I’ve lost so much in the past few years. And I didn’t even realize how much it hurt until recently. My best friend besides Terri left to go home to take care of her mom, and she…well.” Danni had promised herself she wasn’t going to cry; at least until the clock struck 12:01 and it was no longer Thanksgiving.
“She found someone else?” Yuki’s words seemed almost blunt, but her voice seemed to coax Danni to continue with a welcome and care almost as tender as her sister’s.
“Yes.” Danni shook her head. She put the cup of tea back on the table and stood up.
“I’m …I’m sorry…I…I can’t talk any longer, okay?” She said quickly before walking to her room and shutting the door, leaving Yuki feeling unable to help her new ‘sister.’
Later...
“Oh…hi…” Terri said, raising her head slightly.
“I guess I needed to rest, huh?” She had gotten past apologizing all the time for her illness; rest was necessary and expected in order for her to face it with any degree of success. Yuki nodded and got up and walked to the couch. Instead of sitting on the end, she drew close and motioned for Terri to lift up; sitting down, she cradled Terri’s head in her lap.
“I think you’re getting a bit better, don’t you?” Like any immune-related illness, the reduction of stress was vital for Terri, and nothing could have reduced her stress like the love of the young woman who held her at that moment.
“I have you to thank, Yu…funny….I love Yu.” Terri laughed at the pun, but it was true; she was indebted to Yuki for the remission of sorts that she was undergoing. And not just from the disease. While she had remained a bright beacon of hope for others, her own heart had been so tired and sad from all of the disappointment and grief of the last several years.
“And I love you!” There was a strength and surety that Terri sensed; something that spoke of Yuki’s own recovery.
“You know that I know I’ll never be able to replace him, right?” Terri turned her head to the side with a sigh. It was nearly impossible to compete with the memory of Yuki’s late husband, but Terri still hadn’t realized how unnecessary that competition was.
“I’m not planning on replacing him, but I’m so glad you’ve joined him. I think he would have liked you; both of you are so focused on the needs of others.” Yuki spoke as if Teddy was still alive. Even in his death, he had proven once again how important sacrifice had become. And it was important more than ever to Yuki.
“I’m so glad you’re in my life.” She said as her hand softly touched Terri’s cheek. “I feel like a big part of the hole in my heart has been finally filled.”
“I’m sorry,” Terri said.
“Why sorry? You’re the best thing to happen to me in my entire life.” The words surprised Terri; how could she be more important than the one first best love of Yuki’s life. The answer to her unspoken question came as Yuki urged Terri to raise her head. A kiss on the bridge of the nose followed by tender lips caressed Terri’s.
“You’re here and now…I’m alive once again because of you, Ter….you have to know that.” She kissed her forehead and began to cradle the young woman’s head in her breast. A hand reached in to pull apart her blouse, exposing her chest. Terri began to kiss Yuki’s breast, stopping at the edge of the bra.
“We’re not married.” Terri said, pulling away slightly.
“We’re as married as we’ll ever be in Illinois, and God knows we’re married here.” Yuki touched her left breast with her palm and then did the same to Terri.
“I love you so much. Let me show you?” Yuki said softly. Terri buried her face in Yuki’s chest once again, but this time she began to sob.
“Why the tears? I love you!” Yuki said as she gently pulled Terri’s head away to face her. Terri looked up and then looked downward past her waist. Even with the lupus in remission, her doctors had already decided that they couldn’t risk any surgery; perhaps never. She blushed and her face grew hot; her tears almost burning as they fell.
“You’re a woman in every way that matters to me. I didn’t fall in love with what you could be or should be, Ter…I fell in love with who you are, and you make me very, very happy. Let me love you?” Yuki’s words were almost slurred as she resumed kissing her lover. She rose from the couch and knelt beside and began once again to kiss Terri. Her hands probed and pushed and scratched and caressed, leaving Terri shuddering with feelings she had never known. Kisses behind the ear and on the neck were quickly replaced by a hand undoing the front hook to Terri’s bra.
“I’m not real.” She sobbed once again as Yuki moved the false aside to attend to the authentic. The breasts were small; almost the breasts of a twelve year old girl, but they were the breasts of a girl nonetheless. Yuki kissed her and nibbled in places never before noticed by any other than their owner. Terri began to laugh even as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Yuki continued to kiss Terri’s breasts as her hands reached further down.
“NO!” Terri pled, her body shuddering even in the midst of protest.
“Yes….I love you…not what you should be or what you wish to be, but you; here and now.” She raised her head and began to kiss Terri’s cheeks; savoring her lover’s tears. Hands continued to probe and caress and treasure all over until the woman before her lay back, sobbing. Joy and pain and regret and sadness and relief and love and hope mixed together as Yuki placed her head on her lover’s stomach, still kneeling next to the couch.
“You….” Terri stammered, still crying but with her sobs ebbing like a cleansing tide that pulled away the detritus from the shore of her life; finally a life with few regrets even if in the midst of the great challenge that lay before both of them.
“Me.” Yuki laughed softly. Terri lay back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.
“I had to play a concert in New York City once with the worst piano I had ever laid my hands on. I asked my instructor about it and he said, ‘You play with what you have, not with what you wish you had, dear.’ Turned out to be one of the best performances I ever enjoyed.” Terri blinked back some tears and stared at Yuki with a quizzical look.
“Someday….I promise if it is at all possible, we’ll take care of everything, okay?” She used her eyes to stare downward on Terri’s body and then up to her breasts.
“But for now? We play with what you have, my dear, okay?” She smiled and leaned in and kissed Terri once again.
“Okay?” She didn’t wait for an answer but resumed kissing, saying through lips that caressed her lover’s face,
“I love you!”
The day before Christmas Eve,..
“I can’t wait until tomorrow,” Gennie said. She reached into her backpack and pulled out a flat wrapped package about one foot or so square, handing it to Danni, who blushed with surprise. The couple had embraced her as if she was part of their family. Lainie squealed in expectation as the girl opened the package.
“To Danni — You have lovely friends, and I hope this note finds you well.” The picture was that of a middle aged man in a relaxed impromptu ‘pose;’ wearing a simple maroon cardigan over a polo shirt. He was holding a violin casually, as if he had just finished playing, which indeed he had. And it was signed.
“Best Regards, Itzhak Perlman.” True to form, the ‘emotional’ sister of the Davies family burst into tears over the lovely gesture. As a little boy a lifetime ago, the girl had been drawn to violin after hearing the tender and sad soundtrack to Schindler’s List and Perlman had been a hero to her.
“I….I don’t know what to say….thank you.” Danni felt that Christmas couldn’t get any better, but she found out that it not only could, but would become the best Christmas ever.
“The concert pulled in $47,000 for the shelter,” Terri said as she hugged the girls. The trio had knitted together with a commonality that went, of course, beyond their music and talent. But it wasn’t merely just because of their sameness, in a way. They grew together because their hearts were ready to be a part of something bigger than themselves.
Yuki had found healing in coming to know and love someone again. And Danni became whole in learning that she was not alone. Lainie had grown to want to be more than just a musician, and she and her friends came to that place of moving past what wasn’t to move into what can be. It was a Christmas that included everyone and excluded no one. Danni was able to let go of feeling left out because she knew she was loved; if not the way she wished, at least in a way that made her grateful and whole.
But there was one more Christmas present to open..
Christmas day...the Davies sisters' apartment...
“Danni, can you get the door?” Terri asked as she set the table for the holiday meal. Yuki and Gennie were in the kitchen getting food ready and Lainie was downstairs getting the drinks from her car.
“Lainie must have her hands full,” Danni said as she walked to the door. Opening it, she found herself face to face with a familiar figure, but it wasn’t Lainie.
“Merry Christmas, Danni.” Emily stood before the girl, smiling as broad a smile as Danni had ever seen. She was speechless.
“Mommy passed a few weeks ago….” She began to cry and fell into Danni’s arms. Danni held her and patted her back, still awkward and almost speechless except for consolation.
“I’m so sorry…” Danni repeated the words over and over, feeling helpless and glad at the same time, which led to an even more awkward feeling of guilt.
“I…”
“Shhhh.” It was Emily’s turn to console as the months of anxious loss spilled out in sobs as Danni shook in Emily’s arms.
“I…I had to …. There….never….” Emily gasped in the midst of her own crying, but finally said,
“I was wrong….oh …you know….I had to go, Dan….but ….. after Mommy died I had no one.” She looked away.
“I thought….but I was wrong. I love you, Danielle Cameron Davies…I always have. I thought I lost you when Cam went away….but you never were Cam….forgive me…I was wrong.” The girl’s sobs seemed to provide a counterpoint to Danni’s weeping. In a moment, the music softened and slowed, as it were, with a coda that include the most beautiful and tender kiss the two had ever known.
“I love you, Emily.”
There's a place for us
A time and place for us
Hold my hand
And we're halfway there
Hold my hand
And I'll take you there
Somehow
Someday
Somewhere
To my readers:
I want to thank you for coming back to visit these special women. They are special, not only because they express and live out much of what we wish for ourselves, but also because they come from my heart; the women I’ve come to know in a way exemplified by the lives herein with music and love mixed together in expression of what I’ve found for myself.
Somewhere
from the Musical Play,
West Side Story
words and music by
Stephen Sondheim and
Leonard Bernstein
as performed by
Celtic Woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BIVUe8cTz4
Pavane (Reprise)
composed by Gabriel Faure'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwENXlX94-I&feature=related
Trio Sonata in C minor
composed by Antonio Vivaldi
as performed by The Eroica Trio
Erika Nickrenz, piano; Susie Park, violin;
and Sara Sant'Ambrogio, cello
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nuiW63r998
Immortelle
Words and Music by
Lara Fabian and Rick Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLXt7Up69RE
Carol of the Drums
words and music by
Katherine K. Davis
as performed by
The Vince Guaraldi Trio
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO2kSduwY34
Baby Mine
From the Movie Dumbo
Words and Music by
Frank Church and Oliver Wallace
As sung by Miss Alison Krauss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzoZnivlLhw&feature=related
I Married an Angel
Music by Richard Rogers
Lyrics by Lorenz Hart
Performed by Nat Adderley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHvxDBYbSTU&feature=related
Cast Your Fate to the Wind
composed by Vince Guaraldi
as performed by
Vince Guaraldi Trio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLJ1aZhKVhk
Comments
Ahem...
I love the way this tale developed and the intertwining of the characters. This was only made even better by Drea's impeccable taste in music. Many of my personal fave composers and artists were included. It's difficult for characters to flop between tales and I should know that since I regurgitate my faves from time to time. But Drea does it flawlessly!!! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrava my dear dear...
Dah Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrratatat
I Don't Know Why
You don't get more appreciation here. It's got me beat.