Three Girls Book One Chapter Three Chopin and Confusion by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

Previously...in the office of Caryn Bisceglia, psychologist...

"Yuki...your mother accepts you just the way you are, right?" Caryn pushed.

"Now, our biggest task that lies ahead? You know your mom supports you and believes you? And I believe you? Now, Yuki...the task is to help you believe in yourself.

At Caryn's office, the following week...

"I'm sorry, Yuki...I know this is very difficult," Caryn said as she gazed at the papers in her hand. "With everything facing you, it seems unfair, doesn't it?"

"You mean...having to choose?" Yuki shrugged.

"Yes...the urgency...because of your age, honey." Perhaps more personal than her profession would usually allow, but she wanted the girl to know she understood.

"I have to choose....like now..."

"Yes...because the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be if you choose to assume being Yuki full time.... permanently. You don't have to do that, but as your doctor has explained, you've benefitted, so to speak, from late development, but you can only put off nature for so long."

"Dr. Brennan said that it's really up to me...that even if I live as a girl for a year, there isn't any need to hurry the hormones unless I'm absolutely sure...that given my physique...I can work with her during the year. She already started me on blockers. I talked it over with my mom, and I think this is what I need to do."

"I'm glad to hear that, but it seems that this is really what you want to do, Yuki. You'll be on a course that will determine how you live the rest of your life."

"I need this, Caryn...this is my life...I have to..." The anxiety had built up even with moments of venting, and the stress of the decision was too much to hold in as the girl burst into tears.

After her sobbing subsided, Caryn began again. The choice to enter into a real life test for a year had implications beyond 'just' assuming her female identity. Her life would be dramatically affected since none of her friends knew and she would be beginning the test before the schools end.

"And of course there's baseball and piano to consider." She wasn't trying to be flippant at all. Both music and sports were integral parts of Luke's life, and they would certainly be affected if Luke became Yuki full time.

Of course, she knew it would hurt the girl to have to give up baseball; the likelihood that would be able to continue was almost nil. But her music would be affected too. All of her reputation as a pianist was garnered as Luke Matsusaki. It was a foregone conclusion that Yuki would continue playing, but she would have to deal with rejection, even in a "progressive" community like the music world.

"I'm going to talk to coach tomorrow and tell him that I have to leave the team." Her voice was trembling.

"I....I....wish....” she shook her head and looked away, seeking some strength for the inevitable disappointment.

"That you could keep Luke and Yuki? That you wouldn't have to give up anything?" Of course Caryn knew that Yuki knew. She wanted her to discuss the consequences of her choice.

"It's so unfair....it just isn't fair." She began to tear up once again.

"You know what we talked about last time?" Caryn teased with a half-frown.

"I know...there isn't anything fair or unfair..." she laughed softly through her tears. "It just is what it is." She paused and sighed.

"I don't know how I'm going to face the team...I'm letting them down."

"That's your father talking, isn't it?" Caryn shook her head.

"Yehhheyes." Yuki wiped her face with her sleeve, forgetting the box of tissue in her lap.

"It will be hard, Yuki, but you have to do what is best for you. The team will manage."

"I know...I'll be alright."

"I can't tell you what to do, honey...just what you face with each choice and how things might be. I can say this. Even in the midst of all your anguish, as Yuki you are so much brighter and alive than when I saw you as Luke. Now that just may mean that you're more relaxed, or that Luke has so much more to face since he's who you've been for so long. But you must know that it's who you are and will become that is important."

"I know. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life. I feel like I'm being pulled apart."

"You've got two people to think about, Yuki. At least that's how it feels?" The girl nodded.

"Try to remember that the two of you are really one person...you've always been a part of Luke and he's a part of you. It's really more about deciding which of the two is how you see yourself. You'll be able to bring the two of you together...whole, no matter what you decide. You understand?"

"I...I think so....like Luke will have me for ever...or I'll have Luke inside me?" She smiled as the stress of her decision seemed to ease.

"You may have to give up things and such...and that will be painful and difficult, but either way, you won't have to give up any part of yourself as long as you choose what's best for you." Caryn smiled as Yuki smiled at her. Whatever the girl chose, she was going to be alright.

B Wing Perth Amboy High School, a few days later...

"Hey, coach? Got a second?" Luke caught Danny Callahan in the hallway before class. The man smiled in welcome.

"How's my best left-hander?" Danny smiled as the boy walked up.

"I'm your only left-hander, Coach!" Luke laughed nervously. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was folded twice and was secured with a staple.

"I need to talk to you, but I can't right now. Do you have internet on your computer here?"

"Yes, all the staff have internet access. What's up?" The boy thrust the paper in his hand with a frightened look.

"Luke...what's wrong? You can talk to me, you know that? You got problems at home?" Danny Callahan was well aware of the boy's issues; he and Danny's son Eddie were friends from Middle School, and Luke had spent a lot of time at the Kane house when his father abandoned him and his mother.

"I...I need you to look at this after I walk away....there's a website link written down." The boy began to tear up.

"Luke...why don't you come with me...we can talk right now. Okay?"

"No....just look at what I wrote under the link....read it and I'll talk to you this afternoon ...later....I can't talk now." The boy didn't wait for an answer, but waved his hand behind him as he quickly walked away. Danny shook his head and opened up the paper. Printed in block letters with a flair pen, he read -

http://diversitycenter.org/programs/lgbtiq-youth-task-force/... followed by "This is what I am. After you read this, go to your mailbox in the school office and read what's in the envelope, okay?"

Danny looked at the piece of paper in his hand before folding it carefully and putting in his pocket. He sighed deeply before walking down the hall to the gym.

A few minutes later...down the hall....

"Hey, Teddy?" The first baseman turned to see his best friend standing by the water fountain in A wing. He walked up to Luke.

"Hey, Takihashi! What's up?'

"I gotta talk with you....I gotta talk with someone..." The boy shrugged his shoulders.

"Sure. First game on Friday...you'll be fine." At six-one, he was a half-foot taller than the slim left-hander.

"I...it's not the game...I gotta tell you something...so hard..." The boy began to tear up. He had never cried in front of anyone since he was little other than his mother, and now he was crying in front of his best friend. And if he told him everything it would be even harder, as if what he were about to say weren't hard enough.

"Oh shit, Luke...what the fuck?" Teddy wanted to help his friend, but a hug in the hallway? Maybe after a fist bump in greeting, but when the kid was crying?

"Ted....I gotta tell you something. It's so hard....I...I can't..."

"Fuck, Luke, what's wrong?"

"Ted...I...you...you know...Cam...Camie Santangelo? You know?”

"In our Physics class...the gay kid in the back?"

"No, Teddy...not gay....He's...you know...different." Luke struggled to speak...he feared what he was going to say next.

"Yeah...different...he's...like he wants to be a girl or something? He's a fag, Luke...big deal...what does that have to do with you." The tears in Luke's eyes flowed more than ever as he hung his head. Teddy looked at him and his eyes showed an angry understanding.

"Oh, fuck no; Luke...stop fucking with me...This is fucking joke, right? Tell me it's a fucking joke!

"No...Teddy....Stop...I'm not kidding."

Teddy knew he wasn't kidding; the tears and the crushed look on his best friend's face already conveyed the seriousness of the boy's situation, but did nothing to change the part of his mind that had already been made up before he even talked with Luke.

"Oh...hell no, Luke...No...NO. " Tears came to Teddy's eyes as he walked away. He was upset and angry and scared; there were a lot of things that Teddy could face, but finding out his best friend was, "a fucking fag,' as he would tell his teammates later, was too much to bear. Years of friendship were unable to mitigate a lifetime of ignorance, misinformation and fear.

The coachs' office...at the end of the school day...

"Hey.....Coach," the voice came from the doorway. Luke stood timidly with his face turned away.

"Come in, Luke, and close the door." His voice was nearly expressionless, as was his face. The boy stepped in gingerly, still looking away. As he closed the door he heard the strains of Cho-pin's Chopin Waltze Op.64 No.2 playing on Danny's CD player.

"I'll clear out my locker, but can you let me take care of that at the end of the week? I'm not feeling well, and I'd just as soon go home, okay?"

"No!" Danny seemed to snap at the boy, but his smile was warm and welcoming, belying any anger.

"You need to clear out your locker right now." The boy winced and began to tear up. He knew that leaving the team was inevitable, but he didn't anticipate being treated so harshly, which was doubly painful coming from someone as kind as Coach Callahan.

"I've got a locker in here that you can use," he said, pointing to the bank of old lockers against the far wall of the office. Luke stood and stared at Danny in shock.

"I went to the site and I read your note about ...a real...real life test? I called my sister...she works as a counselor for students in the Pysch program at Rutgers. Since you're going to begin this right away, you'll need your own place to
change...that is if you want it?"

"What do you mean?" Luke shook his head in confusion until Danny smiled again.

"I talked with Mr. Goldenberg, the athletic director, and I checked with the league as well. There's nothing in the by-laws preventing you from competing." He smiled almost impishly and continued.

"Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. If you want to, you can continue with the team. Getting them to buy into this is going to be the hardest thing either of us have ever done. We have some guys who are great, and they'll have your back. We have some that may not understand, but will go along because it's the thing to do. And unfortunately, we have some guys on the team that are either fools or choose to be ignorant. Those ones you'll either win over or not. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

The boy stared incredulously at his coach, speechless for a moment before saying softly, almost in a whisper to himself as he lowered his head,

"I don't understand."

"Just this. And this is from the Superintendant and the Principal...the athletic department, and all of the coaches...yes, all of us. From now on, Luke Takahashi is no longer a member of the Varsity Baseball Team of Perth Amboy High School."

The boy lowered his head once again until Danny added with a soft laugh as he extended his hand.

"Welcome to the team, Yuki!"

Next: Mendelssohn and Misunderstandings!

Waltz in C-sharp minor, Op. 64, No. 2
Composed by Fredric Chopin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFPTQFytQqk&feature=related