The soft strains of Faure’s Pavane came softly out the window, wafting almost as if on a breeze as it made its way across the street and throughout the neighborhood. As tender and sweet as it was, it remained a sad piece. Faure’ had meant it as a slow mournful dance; perhaps with much more hope than the player had imagined, but then she had just lost her mother to the ravages of cancer.

“Are you ready? For Christ’s sake, Cam…it’s almost nine and we were supposed to be at the funeral home at eight-thirty…don’t you have any respect for her?” The voice was as harsh as a cold gale against her skin; leaving her shivering even as she finished playing. The song was for her mother…why couldn’t he understand?

“Damn it, Cam…If you’re not in the car in five minutes, I’m leaving without you!” The voice called out once again, even angrier, if that was possible. The girl laid the violin down and choked back a sob before walking slowly down the hall to the front of the house where her older brother waited.

“It’s about time…come on…” He relented. His face was a mask of grief. The two of them had lost their father only months before to an auto accident; and even if they had been prepared for their mother’s passing, it still hurt beyond what words could say. He gasped once and smiled at his kid brother.

“Look, Cam…I’m sorry…I feel like I have to be everything right now…I don’t even know where Daddy kept the insurance policy. Aunt Rose is coming over with Ken to help us look for the papers. The insurance company said they’d mail us a copy and they faxed some papers to the funeral people, but I don’t know where everything else is…and …and…” He put his hand to his face and began to weep. Cam walked over and placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder and pulled him close, embracing him tightly.

“We’re going to get through this…” He sobbed even as his brother wept along with him. Trevor looked up and smiled through the tears, saying softly,

“You’re the best brother a guy could ever have…and the best son…okay…one of two ‘best’ sons, that Mommy and Daddy had…..I love you, bro.” He pulled Cam closer and kissed him on the cheek; a manly kiss…brother to brother.

Cam buried his face in Trevor’s shoulder and began to sob. Mostly from grief over the loss of their parents, but also because he wanted so badly for his brother to know who he really was…the secret he had kept for so long…that Trevor didn’t really have a kid brother. He never had a kid brother, in fact, but the nicest sister a brother could ever have and the sweetest daughter her parents never knew…

And Danni wept…

“Cam…honey…” The girl stood at the end of the receiving line at the back of the church. He looked up and saw his best friend with her arms out.

“Hi…Emily.” Cam’s face grew red as he took note of Emily’s welcoming smile. He immediately felt guilty; an exercise that he practiced nearly on a daily basis, feeling that he had no right to be attracted to any one, least wise at his mother’s funeral. But he needed Emily, and truth be told, she needed him as well.

“I’m so sorry…” She sobbed as she pulled him closer for a hug. She didn’t mean to, but her hand got caught in his hair, which had grown past his collar.

“Oh..Cam…I’m so sorry.” The two had spent the last year running and dancing in the “I shouldn’t be happy because other folks are hurting marathon”; tripping over each others excuses not to get involved. And of course, Cam had his other self, whom he mostly withheld from Emily, needlessly fearing rejection. Thankfully, the dance was coming to an end, and the music was about to change keys and tempo.

“Cam…I know you meant well….not telling them.” She shook her head as tears began to fall.

“But they never got to know her…oh…they knew her, alright, but you know what I mean.”

“No…don’t…” Cam turned away and bit his lip; she was right, and it hurt beyond measure, since there was no recall for well-intended but ill-conceived decisions.

“They’ll never get to know how beautiful you are…how precious…how wonderful.” It was special and dear and painful all rolled into one.

“Stop…please Em…please, stop.” He protested even as she stepped closer and embraced him…her…

“No…you have to tell your brother…he’ll understand…he loves you.” It was as if the one in her arms was transforming even as she spoke; the soft beauty of her girlfriend seemed to come alive even while the artificial steel of her boyfriend melted away like wax.

“Danni…tell him. Let him decide if he still loves you…be fair to yourself; don’t let another moment slip away. They know now…” She paused and looked up.

“Let him have what they didn’t. And don’t feel too bad, honey…okay…let’s live, you and me…okay?”

“Okay,” Danni nodded. Cameron nodded as well, even as he retreated into the safety and welcome of his true self; still a part of whom she was becoming.

The girl, for that is who she was, played the piece once again, this time with no urgency or demand; she had time. The sun rose in the sky and in her soul while she played the piece for the first time as herself; no longer encumbered by expectations of guilt or shame. She played to an audience of one as her girlfriend sat on the chair on the patio, weeping softly.

Oh, the music was just as moving as ever; as sweet and tender and sad and hopeful as ever, but it wasn’t so much in the playing that the emotion arose this time; it was in the player. The girl stood, her legs spread slightly apart as she moved to the music. Her eyes closed in wondrous thought as the notes came quickly. The psalmist's words came to her as well;

for the sake of the one you love so much,
reach down and help me–answer me!

Danielle Cameron Davies was playing for the very first time and it felt great!

The orchestra played in her head and heart even as her instrument sang out the piece. She played almost frenetically, but the urgency was only in the way the notes scurried across her violin, seeking to complete the piece as it was meant to be played. Not with haste, but still with rapidity; not timid but daring; as the task of the day waited for her merely a few minutes and one room away!

Trevor walked in the house; his face a mask of exhaustion. The past few days after the funeral were spent sorting out the insurance policies for both parents, and the sheer weight of the emotion had practically worn both young men out. Emily sat on the couch and patted the cushion next to her.

“Cam’s still at school, so I started dinner for you guys, okay?” She smiled and hugged her ostensibly future brother-in-law.

“You hanging in there, Trev?”

“I miss them both so bad, but what’s worse is wondering how we’re going to make it? I guess we can apply for hardship, but with Mom’s medical bills, the savings just went away so fast, and the insurance they had only covers the burial, if that. We can hope that the car insurance will cover the cost of Dad’s car the night of the accident, but we won’t see a dime as far as his death goes until it’s sorted out in court. The mortgage had a rider to cover their deaths, but everything else is up in the air…including Julliard.”

He began to tear up. As much as his own dreams seemed forever deferred, he was more concerned about Cam’s future. Trevor knew that he’d make it either way, and he wasn’t worried, but school for Cam was iffy while all the finances were being sorted out. And in a school as competitive as Julliard, a missed semester could mean the difference between a career and a job.

“You’ll be okay, Trev. I just know it. I’ve got every faith in you that you’ll both be okay.” Emily wasn’t just being optimistic. She seemed to have almost a seventh or eighth sense as Cam put it regarding the way things played out. And she was as positive a person you’d ever want to meet.

“I know. I just want him to be happy. That’s what Mommy made me promise her before she died…the last thing she said to me was, ‘Make sure Cam is happy, okay’” He sighed at the mention of his mother.

“Please, Em…listen…I know what she meant. It wasn’t that she didn’t care what happened to me; it’s that she knew I could be happy painting landscapes or houseboats, you know? But Cam? His music means everything. And it meant everything to her to see that it came about. I felt like I was an instrument of blessing for him, and I still do. I’m just afraid I’ll let both of them and Daddy down as well, you know.” He put his hand to his face and began to cry.

“You’re about the best brother anyone ever had, Trev… I know Cam feels that way, and I do, too.” Marriage was iffy and several years off for her and Cam, and might not even be a marriage, depending upon how his secret played out. But Emily felt as close to Trev as if he was her brother-in-law. She hugged him and smiled.

“We’ll get through this. And it’s going to be an interesting few years.” She laughed softly as she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. Cam was never one for subtlety, and Trev was in for the surprise of his life.

“Trev…” The voice was as familiar as the sunrise but still unfamiliar in a way. Trevor turned to face the sound and saw a very nervous young lady standing before him. She was dressed in a sleeveless shift; tan with a turquoise belt. She wore matching bracelets and a turquoise pendant, which was supported by a thin leather strap instead of a chain. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail, revealing turquoise ear studs as well. And even though she was as nervous and shaking, her smile nearly belied her anxiety.

“Trev…I guess we should talk, huh?” The girl practically stammered as Trev’s hand shot up and stifled a gasp as he bit the back of his hand.

“Cam? Oh…Cam???” Trev echoed Cam’s stammer for a moment before bursting into laughter. Cam shrunk back, feeling hurt at Trev’s reaction until the smile on Trev’s face grew broader and seemed to be welcoming.

“Cam? You just about made my day…my week…and my year.” He laughed softly and turned to Emily, who sat there, gazing back and forth between the two.

“I don’t know why you’re smiling…why are…why are you smiling, Trev… I don’t understand?” Cam began to tear up, feeling slighted over the joke he…she didn’t get. Trev stood up and walked over to his brother and hugged him.

“Wait here…okay?” Trev said with a soft laugh.

“I’ll be right back.”

A moment later Trev had returned holding a letter in his hand. He motioned for Cam to follow him, and he sat down in the middle of the couch. He opened the letter and patted the cushion next to him. A second later the three sat together as he read the letter aloud.

My dear son…

There’s something I need to tell you, and it hurts that I didn’t speak sooner. I really thought I had more time.”

Trev choked back a sob. He had read the letter nearly a dozen times since the funeral, and that part still hurt more than anything.

“There’s something you need to know about your brother. Cam is special. You know I think you’re special, too, Trev, but you need to know that he has a secret. A secret that I know about. That I’ve known about since he was little. And I am so sorry for both of your sakes that I didn’t say anything, because it’s really a good thing. And I never told him.”

Trev turned to Cam and smiled.

“She knew.” He looked at Emily as if he was sharing a secret right then and there. And then he turned to Cam and began to read once again.

“Cammy…I know. I’ve always known. Your Daddy loved you very much, but I don’t think he would have understood. I know about the times you’d sneak into my closet. I know about the things that went missing or were in disarray. You can’t fool someone like me; we’re both sort of obsessive, but even when you tried, I could always tell when things were disturbed. But I also know about the web-searches. The search for knowledge about who you are. The long nights on the computer when you’d fall asleep and I’d just click off so you wouldn’t be worried.”

“Trev?” Emily said softly and looked in his eyes. He smiled and continued.

"Your brother will know after this letter. All I want is for both of you to be happy. I love you both...Mom"

“She knew?” Cam shook her head. Trevor turned to the girl sitting next to him and smiled; the girl he had never met before, but was prepared to welcome.

“She only knew about you, Cam,” and I’m sorry I didn’t trust you enough to say something. Or her.”

“I don’t understand, Trev. You just got the letter a couple of days ago? How could you say something. You just found out.” Cam put her hand to her forehead then wiped a tear from her eye. Trev turned to her and smiled once again, but the smile was almost sad.

“She was talking about your secret, Cam, and I’ve got to talk about mine.” He began to cry, putting his head in his hands.

“I don’t understand, Trev. What secret?” Cam bit her tongue and looked at Emily who returned the look with a shake of the head.

“I’m not going to be around much longer myself, Cam. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t say anything before because I was scared and ashamed, and I wasn’t sure about it. But now I’m more sure than ever, and I am so sorry we didn’t talk before Mommy and Daddy died.”

“Oh god, no…” Cam burst into tears and began hugging her brother. He answered her weeping with a soft laugh.

“No…no…not that. I’m not going to die…at least as far as I know. It’s just that I’ve got to go away…you won’t see me anymore.” The words sounded at first-listen like the speech of someone going off to war or a job at a distant land, but his laughter once again belied any urgency or even sadness. He smiled at the two of them and opened the other envelope he had been holding.

“This is something I had read about before and always wondered about. I went online and re-checked out a few sites. This isn’t conclusive, but it sort of answers my questions, at least for the time being, but also may answer yours as well.”

“The study suggests that siblings of transsexuals may have a higher risk of being transsexual than the general population, and that the risk is higher for brothers than sisters of transsexuals, and for siblings of MtF than FtM transsexuals. Nevertheless, the risk is low. “ *

“What does that mean?” Emily asked.

“It means, I guess, 'My name is Terri...Theresa Naismith Davies.'" Trevor said with another soft laugh. Emily and Cam looked at each other and back at Trevor before the three burst into very nervous but relieved laughter.

“And my name is Danielle Cameron Davies. Pleased to make your acquaintance.” The sound was more tenor than alto, but still sweet.

The three sat on the patio, their chairs huddled close. Emily, Terri and Danni were praying, which some might find incongruous. Having only just met, and coming emotionally and spiritually from where they felt out of place, they were left without a home, in a way. The church they all attended would likely look at them askance. Three girls, all different in origin but all having a commonality.

So why pray? What good would faith do them without a faithful home? Danni would be off to school sometime in the near future, separated from her girlfriend and her sibling…the new sister she never knew she had; the genetic similarity also newly supposed?

Emily was off to school as well, but she and Danni would be close, with online studies and occasional visits to campus posing few if any obstacles to their relationship. But Terri…Theresa Naismith Davies would be sorely pressed to attend the school to which she had been accepted, since the world view of the school she had chosen would likely stand in opposition to her own.

“We ask you to show us the way, so that we are on the right path for all of us. Thank You, Dear Lord, amen.” Emily concluded. Terri had decided to apply to the Chicago Theological Seminary, since they welcomed transgender students. But that would mean the trio would be separated, at least in part.

“I hear Chicago can be a nice place to live, Theresa?...Terri…Oh gosh.” Danni offered. The communication was tentative; new ways of speaking and new faces for two of them, almost. The embarrassed way of calling each other by their new names, like they were nervously delivering their lines for the backyard theater, but this was no play for the neighborhood toddlers. This was real life and they were completely inexperienced about it all, even if it was what they always wanted.

New clothing was only part of their journey. The prospect of paying for school and investing in completely new, if only outwardly, personae for both Danni and Terri seemed almost impossible. Add to that the lack of resources and medical coverage, and the idea of surgery seemed so far off.

“I’m going to go; knowing I’ve got you in my life and that we’ll finally get stuff sorted out.” Terri put her head down. It was daunting to know that even as she was discovering who she was, she would be separated from her best friend…her sibling.

“Just getting started and before you know it….” Emily started to sing the old Carol Burnett theme and Danni began to cry.

“Hey…it’s all good, right? Nothing new until fall; plenty of time to figure out how this all works out? I hope.” Terri said sheepishly. Emily rubbed her back.

“Plenty of time. And we’re together, right? Nothing will change that.”

“Plenty of time.”

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

In the not-quite-end-all, things sorted themselves out pretty much like Emily had promised. Dani and Terri might never have 'met' their father, but he sort of shined down on them both. The other driver, however ininted was completely at fault for the accident that took their father's life, leaving both girls financially safe, if not well off.

Terri did end up being accepted to Chicago Theological Seminary, and Danni began studies at Chicago Music Institute in nearby Evanston.

Emily had thought about following the two, but her mother was diagnosed with a promising treatable form of leukemia; a hopeful outlook that still led her to stay at home to help.

Things would also promise to be challenging, if entirely unexpected.

"Plenty of time..."

To be concluded in
Three Girls - Book Four

My Heart
words and music and
performance by
Paramore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zMrL6N3GDA

Violin Concerto in A minor, BWV 1041
Johann Sebastian Bach
Solo by Lara St. John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjuKSDS6ETk

* https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19639402/
(not meant to be comprehensive - plenty of research
available if you care to search.)

http://www.ctschicago.edu/

Pavane - Reprise
composed by Gabriel Faure'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpgyTl8yqbw