Three Girls (Plus) Book Five Chapter Twenty A Meeting of the Hearts by Andrea Lena DiMaggio Baby mine, don't you cry Baby mine, dry your eyes Rest your head close to my heart Never to part, baby of mine

Previously...

“It’ll get better. That I know for a fact, and I promise I’ll be here to see it happen for you, hon….okay?”

Danni nodded but the smile on Terri’s face acted opposite to her intent and Danni fell into her sister’s arms and cried once again. Disappointment doesn’t back away with any promises, and only seems to dissipate as things get better. Terri prayed for both their sakes that it would be soon, since even as she promised, the pain of the day reminded her that things for her own sake were getting worse and fast.

“Excuse me,” Yuki said softly. “Is…Is Teresa Davies going to be in the office? I…I understand she does her internship here?” Nina peered over her glasses at the girl sitting quietly on the sofa.

“I’m sorry; she went home sick today. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I…just wanted to stop by to say hi. She was kind enough to treat me to dinner the other night and I just wanted to return the favor. She went home sick? Is it anything serious?”

“She’s okay…a bit achy…She helped with a presentation yesterday and she just overdid it, and had a flare-up…” Yuki looked at her oddly and she continued. “Her Lupus.” Yuki’s eyes widened in surprise. In the entire time they spent that evening, Terri had downplayed the progression of her illness. Nina noted her surprise.

“I’m sorry, I thought you knew. She’s actually doing quite well, so to speak. Her doctors have been encouraging, and she’s always positive.

The Davies sisters’ apartment…later that afternoon…

“Terri…you home?’ Danni called from the kitchen.

“I’m in here…Can you bring me some tea?” Terri called from the bedroom.

“Sure.” A few minutes later Danni walked into the bedroom with a tray and two mugs.

“You okay? Nina left a voice mail saying you had to come home.”

“I’m okay, Dan…I’m just tired. Can you….” Her voice trailed off, almost embarrassed.

“Anything…what?”

“You’ll think I’m a baby…” She gasped.

“Terri…if anything, you’re a hero…” Danni put the tray on the desk and sat down on the bed.

“That’s…that’s just it, Danni…I’m not a hero…I’m nothing….I’m not even a girl.” Terri turned her head away, covering her face with a pillow.

“That’s not true...well in a way it is true, ‘cause you’re a woman…and you are my hero.” Danni put her hand on Terri’s shoulder, and the girl winced.

“Stop it, Danni…please. I can’t be a hero...I’m so tired of being brave for everyone. ‘Oh, here’s Terri Davies, class; she’s an example of abiding faith!’ ‘Let’s welcome Terri Davies, she’s a real Proverbs Thirty-One Woman,’ as if the women in class weren’t. I’m the pretender. I’m the one walking around in drag.” She bit the inside of her mouth and started to shake a bit.

“No…you’re not a pretender. I don’t know anyone who is more like what I want to become than you.”

“Dan…stop it…I can’t live up to your expectations…please…I can’t keep trying hard all the time. I’m tired and I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do anymore except pray, and even that doesn’t work.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I …I don’t want to have anyone in my life right now…it’s not fair to them, and I can’t handle being….”

“You’re afraid the girl you met won’t want you when she knows the truth, right?” Danni rubbed her back but she winced once again, this time more from the achiness in her shoulders but she still felt ‘wrong.’

“No…..yes…I don’t know. When Em left I figured it was all over…I don’t know how long I can keep up…I feel like I’m in a race and I’m falling more behind with each lap. And then she comes along…..like she’s standing on the side holding a bottle of water for me and there’s one more person to please by staying in the race!”

“Don’t say that. You’re acting as if this is all one big contest….like you’re competing….you’re not, Ter…you’re running for your life….’let us run with patience? The race that is set before us? Our own race….Ter?”

“Easy for you to say…you’re not stuck…I’m stuck with this body…this waste of flesh….I can’t go forward and I can’t go back. I don’t want to be the example any more. Let them look to someone else. Hell Dan…I don’t care anymore. I just want to go home.”

“Oh, jeez, Ter….please, don’t ever say that.” Danni gasped, and tears welled in her eyes.

“It’s true…I can’t be everything for everyone any more. And I don’t want to care about another human being. It hurts too much!” Her shaking grew more intense.

“But that’s just it….You know you already care for her. You told me all about her and how she touched you…I don’t think it’s in you not to care, Terri….maybe why you’re so tired….” Danni looked at her shivering sister and shook her head.

“I’m sorry…you know what I mean…Emotionally….but I think it would be worse for you if you couldn’t care…it’s who you are. It’s why you’re my hero.”

“I…Danni…could you…please hold me?” Terri choked on the last words. Danni laid down next to her sister and she held her; the cuddling that they had done ever since they were little; sister to sister even if they didn’t know they were ‘sisters’ when they were young. The physical touch was painful; Terri’s achiness could hardly bear the weight of her own clothes and Danni’s embrace literally hurt. But the benefit of a loving sister even now outweighed any pain she endured, and she gave way to relieved sobs. Her body convulsed from the mixture of pain and love.

“Shhhhh….shhhhh.” Danni whispered, almost in a sing-song, stroking Terri’s hair.

“I….I’m so sorry….” Terri protested, as if being human was something to be forgiven.

“No…honey…it’s okay….I’m here….it’s alright.” Danni’s voice seemed to do something almost supernatural, but really it was almost her nature. Both of their parents had been gentle souls; twin halves of the same caring being, their pastor had said. Terri favored their father, who was as gentle and motherly in so many ways as their mother. But Danni had always favored their mother; almost destined to follow her in so many ways; the ear for music and the nurturing. Her voice, once she broke free of the reins of convention when she transitioned, seemed to duplicate their mother’s soft, welcoming tones. She began to sing….

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you

“Mom…I’m….” Yuki’s expression told Margaret before she finished speaking.

“Confused?” Yuki nodded.

“It’s not so cut and dried as some folks would have you believe, honey. You were expecting what everyone told you to expect, right?” Margaret placed a cup of chicken broth in front of her daughter, and sat down.

“I was married, Mom…to my best friend. I’m not supposed to feel this way.” She began to mist up; a mess of emotions someone had labeled in group the other day; not mess in a bad sense, but everything mixed together and almost impossible to separate without harm.

“I bet someone told you that you had to be in love with Teddy…that you couldn’t love someone so soon, right?” Yuki shook her head no but quickly changed it to a reluctant nod.

“And you feel like anything is a betrayal of your love for him, right?” Another nod, this one accompanied by guilty tears.

“Do you think Teddy would want you to be alone?” Yuki looked down at the table and sighed, but shook her head no.
“Well, I don’t think he would, either.” Margaret took a sip of broth. Yuki looked up and then away, almost ashamed of the question she was about to ask.

“Mom…why did God make me this way?” She looked down at her body. Margaret turned it around.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with you, hon?” She thought about stroking the girl’s hair but held back.

“I don’t know. I don’t fit…I’m…there must be something wrong….I feel….”

“Guilty?” The girl nodded.

“If God made you the way you are, can you be guilty of being who you are?”

“N…no?” The question practically begged for validation.

“I don’t know why god made you the way you are but I do know I love you and He loves you and a whole bunch more people love you as well. That must count for something, right?” Another nod.

“So what do you do about Teresa? Is that what the real question is? How can you love someone after Teddy and how can that someone be a girl. You’re a girl, right?” Margaret’s last question was more of a statement. She didn’t wait for a response.

“And girls are supposed to love boys…is that what someone told you?” Yuki began to cry. She pushed the mug of broth away and put her head down on the table.

“Honey…you love who you love. I can’t think of anyone more loveable than you; I know that you blessed Teddy so much. Maybe Teresa needs you in her life.

“Mom…she’s …very sick….very!” The girl almost protested.

“It sounds almost like you want someone to talk you out of loving her. Well, sorry to disappoint you, baby, but it ain’t gonna be me. Like I said you love who you love. Warts and all. Did Teddy even think not to love you once he fell in love with you? He knew what he was getting himself into. All the teasing. The rejection by some folks. The confusion he felt? Did he walk away?” It hurt to hear her.

“It’s different, Mom.”

“Why…because she might die?” The girl winced at the word. Of course that’s what it was.

“I can’t do this again, Mom…it hurts too much.”

“Would you go back in time and tell Yuki not to fall in love with Teddy, knowing what you know now…even with that hole in your heart where he lived?” Margaret swallowed and continued.

“Would you push away all the memories of finding your true love was your best friend? Would you walk away from your wedding and your first night? Would you tell your self never to be vulnerable…to forget just how much love the young man had in his heart for you.” By now Margaret was struggling to keep from crying herself; she had loved Teddy as much as any mother-in-law ever could love, and she missed the boy as well.

“Mom…what if she dies? What if we get together and she dies? How do I deal with that? I can’t bear another loss. I can’t.” She put her head down again. Margaret touched her head gently and looked upward, seeking wisdom.

“A lot of questions don’t have answers until you’re ready to answer them when they come along; you won’t know what if, honey. None of us do. But you never thought you’d be sitting here, missing Teddy like you do but still strong and still alive, and even in love, but you are. You’ll be okay….That’s pretty much the only promise you can hold onto, but it’s a good one, baby. You’ll be okay.”

“Mom…would you do me a favor?”

“Of course, hon…what?”

A few minutes later, the two lay side by side, back to front as Margaret held her daughter close, kissing the girl’s neck softly and cooing ‘It’s okay, baby…it’ll be alright,’ over and over.

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine

The following day at the Music Institute…

“Danni?” the girl said timidly. Danni turned around and found herself face to face with the girl who had usurped her spot for first chair violin. Elaine Peterson…hated arch rival, if she could be typified as such. The girl was an arch-rival only in Danni’s mind; at least until recently.

“Yes?” Danni eyed her suspiciously; old but recent habits still die hard.

“I wanted to talk with you about first chair.” Just when she was ready to let it go, the girl brings up the one thing she wants more than life itself; at least what she thought she wanted.

“What about it?” Danni practically snapped at her, but the girl remained unfazed and even pleasant.

“I talked it over with Tula? She’s willing to slide into third chair behind you and Odie. I’m going to go over to Viola, so you’ll be first chair. I hope that’s okay?” She smiled and Danni tilted her head in wonder.

“I don’t understand. Sure that’s okay with me, but won’t Andrew be upset about being bumped back to second Viola?”

“Oh…I’m not taking first…I’ll be third.” She smiled once again. Danni looked over and noticed a woman standing off to the side, nodding and smiling at Lainie with pride.

“That’s very…kind of you.” Danni shook her head, a reluctant acknowledgment of the girl’s gesture. But the girl wasn’t finished.

“I know it’s been really hard on you. If you weren’t worried about your sister the other day at auditions, I bet you would have done much better. I can’t sit in first chair knowing that. You’ve got enough to deal with. I’m really happy to do this. You deserve the best.” Lainie smiled at her once again. It was too much. All of the tension that had been building the past several weeks came out in an instant. Danni fell back into a folding chair and began to weep. Several of the string section stared at her, but Lainie fell to her knees beside the girl.

“It’s okay, Danni. It’s okay.” She had barely exchanged ten sentences altogether with the girl, and yet here she was, speaking words of comfort. If the girl had intended to quiet Danni, she had failed miserably, because the girl in the chair wept even harder, evoking even more soft words of encouragement; simple and repetitive, perhaps, but healing as well.

“It’s okay….shhhhhh….shhhhhh…..”

From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

Next: Commonality!

Baby Mine (Reprise)
From the Movie Dumbo
Words and Music by
Frank Church and Oliver Wallace
As sung by Miss Alison Krauss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzoZnivlLhw&feature=related