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Three Girls Chapter Seventeen New Friends and Old Hurts! by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

Previously...the Grief Support Group at Chicago Music Academy...

“My name is Yuki…my….my husband….Teddy…my best friend…since we were little… He …helicopter crash in Iraq…I….” She looked around and the expressions of sympathy acted like a cup of water priming a pump as she burst into tears. And Terri stared at the girl…her own pain seemed to retreat into the background even as her own tears began to fall as her heart went out to the girl...

A while later…

One by one the women made their farewells until Terri was left alone…she thought.

“Excuse me?” The voice came from behind as Terri gathered her things. She turned to find Yuki standing nervously. She smiled and extended her hand.

“I’m so glad to meet you. I wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement to the group tonight. This is only my second time, and between you and the young lady last week, you’ve made it a bit easier for me.” Yuki shook Terri’s hand, but her expression belied her statement as she bit her lip in frustration.

“It hasn’t been easy at all for you, has it…Yuki is it?” Terri replied and Yuki nodded her head.

“Say…are you busy right now? Maybe we could talk over coffee or even catch a meal; I’ve got a gift card I’ve been meaning to use and I haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Are you sure…I don’t want to be an inconvenience,” Yuki responded as old habits intruded on recent successes with her self esteem.

“Oh, not at all. I just thought you might want to talk.” Terri knew that she desperately wanted to talk, and opening up in front of several strangers, however helpful it might become, wasn’t something she could do.

“It looked as if it was very hard for you to talk after you spoke at first. Maybe coffee or tea or something to eat? I’m starving, and I sure could use some company.” She played it up, but she was hungry and very, very tired, but company suited her needs more than rest at that point.

“If you’re sure?” Yuki practically began to retreat, but Terri reached out and touched her arm.

“Absolutely…my treat...it’ll be fun.” Terri wasn’t quite sure if it would be fun, but she knew the girl had to talk…and she had to listen.

Broadway Cellars Restaurant soon after…

“Teddy wanted so much to be like his Dad…he just didn’t know he would….you know? His Dad was killed in the first Gulf War…”

“I am so sorry. I felt that you needed to talk, but after you spoke and everyone…responded, it really got very difficult…I can see you have …some of the same issues that I do.”

“I don’t understand,” Yuki said even while fearing that she did indeed understand.

“I…know.” She looked directly into Yuki’s eyes and smiled; the warmth doing very little to help with the girl’s growing anxiety. Terri looked down briefly before returning her gaze upward.

“I…how did you know?” Yuki looked down, almost as if she was examining herself for telltale signs.

“Oh gosh…you don’t have to worry,” Terri shook her head and laughed softly. “You weren’t ‘read;’ least wise by anyone other than me. It’s the age old adage, ‘it takes one to know one?”

“You’re a …” She couldn’t even bring herself to use the word.

“Transsexual? In a way. You might say I’m pre-op on hold and counting.” Terri sighed.

“I don’t understand…on hold?”

“I was diagnosed earlier this year with Lupus; I’m in the early stages, and my immunologist says that my overall health is very good, considering. But?” Terri shrugged her shoulders and frowned and her expression was met with a sympathetic mirror frown by Yuki.

“With an immune system problem, I’m not a viable candidate for GRS. If I get better, the doctors will reassess my situation, but I’m not holding my breath. So I’m sorta quarantined on the Ellis Island of transition…I can’t go back…I won’t go back, but I’m not cleared to move into the New World, either.”
“I’m sorry…” Yuki sighed.

“Oh, don’t worry; I decided that I’m not going to look any more at the external …at least as far as what’s expected. I have my ups and downs with the disease, and that keeps me distracted enough along with my studies that I’ve come to fall upon God’s grace, and I think he looks at me and sees Terri, you know?”

“Still, you…you’re pretty.” Yuki began to turn red when she realized what she had just said.

“Thank you.” The conversation had gotten decidedly too focused on Terri so she changed the subject.

“Tell me about Teddy…where did you meet…he must have been something special…not too many men are willing to see us…like I said...how God sees us, I think. He must have been a really great guy.” Yuki nodded.

“Oh, he was…before…this?” She pointed to herself and used her hand in a broad circle in front of her chest.

“We were best friends growing up and he and I played baseball together…I realized just how much I loved him after I came out…when he backed away because of my gender thing…It didn’t just hurt because we were buddies…oh I did feel betrayed, but he came back..and when he came back…he realized just how much he loved me. He carried me off the field at our last game together… I was pitching and I got hurt and he picked me up…and he kissed me for the first time.” Her eyes began to mist, but it was over the sweetness of the memory rather than the grief alone.

“I can see just by looking into your eyes just how much he meant to you. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.” Terri turned away. How sad to lose one’s first love; how special to have a first love. Terry had resigned herself after her diagnosis that she was likely never to have a love at all. No longer a man…and not missing that part of her past, but unable to move forward, she felt hopeless and alone even while feeling more filled with grace and hope for others.

“Thank you,” Yuki said as the waitress came to the table.

“More coffee?”

“No thank you,” both of said, evoking giggle from the girl before she nodded and put the check on the table before walking away.

“It hurts to lose someone,” Terri said as she opened her wallet. She put a ten dollar bill on the table before laying a card on top of the check.

“I lost both of my parents within weeks…and I was in the process of coming out at the same time as my brother; my sister now, you might meet her since she’s enrolled at your school.

“What instrument does she play?”

“Several, but her main interest is in violin. Danni Davies. She’s had her heartstrings pulled hard, no pun intended. Our best friend…her girlfriend, actually, had to go back to Scottsdale to take care of her mom…a stroke.” Emily indeed had returned home, but even that had been anticipated for some time as she and Danni had drifted apart.

“And of course she was struggling with her own coming out…at the same time I was.” Yuki looked at Terri quizzically.

“Oh, yes…that…two siblings...transsexuals in the same family? Not as uncommon as you might think; sort of blows the whole ‘choice’ thing…well if not out of the water entirely, the ship is listing hardaport and taking on water fast…"

Terry paused and shook her head.

"Sorry…my Dad was thirty years in the Navy and old habits...” Even though her father and mother had been gone nearly three years, the ‘seems like only yesterday’ feelings still came like too-familiar friends that dropped by late after all the guests had gone.

“How about you; where’s home? I mean before you came here?”

“Oh, the Garden State…New Jersey…My mom…she’s thinking of moving out here; she has her own business going; mobile and doing quite well. You might have noticed?” Yuki repeated her circle gesture.

“I’m half Slav…Kerenski…My dad…moved back to Osaka a few years ago…I heard he remarried. Mom has a boyfriend…pilot for FedEx…so he’s mobile, too. It’ll be…good.”

Yuki looked away and tears began to form once again. Terri touched her arm gently and she turned back.

“It’s so hard to lose someone so precious.” At the word, Yuki’s shoulders shrugged ever so slightly.

“Oh…I’m okay.” She pulled her arm away. “At least I will be.” She looked down and sighed.

Terri looked at her and her head seemed to move on its own as she shook it, but with a half-smile.

“Another old saying, Mrs. Dudek? You can’t kid a kidder!” Yuki looked at her and frowned, not so much at Terri as at herself.

“It hurts so much…we…I was…I am so proud of him, but….”

“You’re angry…that he chose that path…it pulls at you and then you feel bad because you feel bad.” She smiled and placed her hand once again on Yuki’s arm; this time without resistance.

“And you feel guilty about your anger…like somehow you’re not entitled?” Terri knew this, not only from study, but from experience. She had never told anyone her own feelings for Emily and the guilt she felt now that Emily was gone. She gripped Yuki’s hand.

“So you’re left, not just alone, but sad and maybe scared and angry and guilty…did I say angry?” She got the girl to laugh and it was genuine and relaxed; perhaps a brief return to ‘normal’ before being pulled back into grief. She didn’t notice but she had put her other hand on top of Yuki’s. The girl shuddered.

“I think you’ve already discovered this, but it always bears repeating, especially after group therapy when well meaning friends give you advice and maybe a bit too much instruction?’ Yuki leaned closer, seeking a gem.

“There’s no formula for grieving correctly, since there’s no correct way to grieve.” She smiled and tilted her head, almost waiting for a response. Her hand began to lightly trace…almost ‘doodle’ with her finger on the girl’s hand. Another shudder, but this time noticeable. Terri’s face grew red and she pulled her hand away as softly as possible. Yuki looked down and felt her own face grow warm.

“That’s….good advice,” the girl said awkwardly as Terry fumbled with her walled. A moment or two of silence passed before Yuki surprised her.

“Ah…do you have a card…maybe…I’m…there are support services at school, but I was looking for a church to go to and maybe find a therapist as well?” Yuki fumbled with her own purse.

“Oh…well…there’s a few good churches in the area that…well, you know…that welcome folks like us?”

“Brunettes?” Yuki quipped. This time it was Terri’s turn to relax as the girl’s soft laugh pierced the awkward embarrassment of moments before.

“That, too. You know those churches that just can’t bear the sight of brown hair…I used to be a blonde but then I went through my transition…” They both laughed and Yuki touched Terri’s hand. Terri shrugged her shoulders slightly, trying not to frown or smile or give any indication of any kind that the girl’s touch felt good. She reached into her purse and pulled out a small folder and opened to grab a business card, which she handed to Yuki.

“My number is on the bottom, but you can call the main number at the top; we have several folks we work with outside of the Seminary that do excellent work with grief and other issues.” Terri smiled slightly but her expression quickly became almost flat as she noticed the girl staring, not at the business card, but at her.

“Thank you for coming, Was everything okay?” The waitress said as she walked to their table once again. Not waiting for a response, she picked up the card and the check along with the ten dollars.

“Thank you…this is more than generous.” The waitress said before disappearing quickly, leaving the women to return to their awkward silence. Terri turned back and noticed that Yuki was still staring at her. Both women quickly looked down, each fumbling once again with their purses before Yuki broke the silence.

“Thank you.” She glanced quickly at the card before placing it in her wallet.

“You’re welcome…I’m…glad …we…met.” She said it almost roboticly, evincing a half-frown from the girl sitting across from her.

“Me…too.” Yuki said with only a slight more enthusiasm.

A short while later...in front of Yuki's apartment...

Terri put in a CD…Lara Fabienne...Immortelle...before pulling away from the curb. She sighed deeply.

Yuki stood in her kitchen. Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini was playing in the background. She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of spring water. She paused before opening and sighed deeply.

Next: Kind Hearts and Cornets

Lara Fabienne sings Immortelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99_BOsxIt6w

Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaP83gDILuY&feature=fvst