Three Girls Book One Chapter Two Baseball and Brahms by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

Previously at the Takahashi home...

“Ihhh…it’s not….Mom…I’m a girl.”

“Mommy…can you call me….Yuki?”

Baseball practice, Perth Amboy High School...

"Come on, Luke....come on Luke!" Pat Kelly called from behind the plate. Sure it was only a scrimmage, and the guy at the plate might have been Luke's best friend, but they all meant business.

"If that poor excuse for a cutter is all you have, I might as well just sit back and wait for the heat," Teddy Dudek laughed as he pointed his bat back at Luke.

Luke didn't have his head in the game, and absentmindedly gazed into the stands, searching for his mother. They had an afternoon planned, and he was anxious about seeing the therapist for the first time since the intake the other day. He reared back, as if in the stretch, since they had a runner on. He threw a curve that got away from him, and was almost belt high right over the heart of the plate. He had intended to throw it inside. Teddy swung and hit the ball hard, but his swing topped the ball into the turf, and it rolled weakly to Luke, who threw it to first to end the game.

"Holy shit, Taki, that was some fucking curve," Teddy said as he trotted halfway to the mound.

"Yeah...I guess...." Luke said, not actually hearing anything his friend had just said. Teddy would be a topic of conversation for sure when he saw the doctor in an hour.

"Hey...Luke, you okay?" Teddy smiled and punched Luke lightly in the arm to get his attention.

"Yeah...sure." Luke was anything but okay; not that there was anything wrong, per se, but he was very distracted by his friend. Rather, Yuki was highly distracted by the boy she hoped would...could...be more than just a buddy or a teammate.

The sound of Brahms played softly on the CD in the background. Caryn wanted Luke to feel at east in his first session after the intake earlier in the week.

"So you feel like you're a girl?" Caryn purposely asked the question in a confrontational manner. She was trying to gauge the depth of Luke's feelings.

"NO...I am a girl....I just...I..." He looked over at where his mother might have sat, had she attended the second session. Caryn wanted to hear from Luke apart from his mother now that the intake had been completed.

"You believe....that you are a girl? You hesitated. Are you uncertain?" Caryn believed Luke was very certain about the idea, but she wanted him to articulate his beliefs and feelings.

"It's just...my mom..." He pursed his lips and sighed. "Am I...she's been the best mom anyone could be...my dad..."

"What about your dad?

"I....what would he say?"

"What does your mom say?" Caryn already knew.

"She...understands me...accepts me?" He shook his head and tears came to his eyes.

"Your mom...who has supported you all along and she accepts your beliefs and understanding about yourself?" Caryn smiled and looked at the empty chair beside Luke as if Margaret was in the room.

"And your dad...who left you and your mom nearly two years ago? You feel like you...?"

"Owe him....like I should...stay the way I am." Luke looked away.

"Are you ashamed to be a girl, Yuki?" She used the name purposely in contrast to his guilt.

"No....it's just..." Luke had started the session, but it really was Yuki who spoke.

"You feel that you should just stay the same to please your dad?" Yuki nodded, unable to speak.

"Somehow...tell me if I'm wrong about this, Yuki...somehow if you don't continue toward becoming outwardly what you are inside...somehow he might change his mind, right...like???"

"It's my fault he left. He...I could never do enough to please him." Yuki looked at Luke's baseball glove that rested on the bolster of the chair.

"If you stay a boy, he might return, is that right?" Caryn probed.

"Yes..." Her tone was apologetic.

"Did you do anything wrong, Yuki?"

"Nnno? I don't know."

"He never really told you what he expected, did he?"

"No...no." She shook her head as tears fell.

"Only after...you said that he'd get angry after you did something...like what, Yuki?

"Like....I should have known..." She turned her head and began to sob.

"So he wanted things of you...he had expectations that you never met? But he never told you until he disappointed you, right?

"Ye....yes."

"And you haven't seen him in years?" She exaggerated.

"Yes...."

"And you believe it's your fault, right?" She didn't wait for an answer.

"He never told you why he left, but somehow because you always disappoint him, it must be your fault, right?" Caryn wanted Luke to see how little sense his thinking made, but she followed quickly.

"Somehow, a child who strove to do his father's wishes without ever knowing what they were is responsible for his father's disappointment, is that right?" She held her hand out in a gesture of acceptance.

"Yeeeh....yes." She sobbed.

"Yuki, that is your name, right?" The girl nodded.

"You are who you are. This part of you is something your father never knew, and yet you feel responsible for his abandoning you and your mother. You feel that you and Luke are disappointments, don't you?"

"Yes..."

"What does your mother think?" she repeated herself on purpose.

"She....I'm..." The girl struggled for words.

"Yuki...your mother accepts you just the way you are, right?" Caryn pushed.

"Yes....yes," She spoke, but her voice was nearly a whisper.

"Do you have to pitch a perfect game...does Luke have to perform?" She used her other name, since that was part of who she was.

"No...he...I don't...Mom..."

"And you don't have to be perfect with your Chopin or Brahms?" Caryn said as the music played softly in the background.

"No....no..."

"So the Mother who asks for nothing...she approves?" The contrast was so important for her to see. The girl nodded and stifled a sob.

"And the Father who asks for everything without telling you what he wants expects everything... he'd disapprove?" Once again her question was greeted by a nod, but the girl failed in her attempts to keep from crying.

"So you have the support of the one who cares..the one who stayed. The person who wishes for you to be whoever YOU want to be, right?"

"Yeehhhhessss....yes."

"Yuki?" Caryn waited a moment while the girl continued to cry.

"Yuki...who do you think...who do you know you are?" The girl looked at her, continuing to be surprised that her own wants and needs would be a consideration.

"Are you a girl? A young woman?" Caryn used the new term...Yuki was a senior in high school, and decisions, however difficult and conflicting, needed to be made soon, one way or the other.

"Are you a young woman?" She nodded, unable to speak.

"I believe you, Yuki. I believe you." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders as if to indicate a new question, but she made a statement that helped the girl understand.

"Now, our biggest task that lies ahead? You know your mom supports you and believes you? And I believe you? Now, Yuki...the task is to help you believe in yourself.

Next: Chopin and confusion...

Brahms Variation of a Theme by Paganini
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjugQDGJBrc