Before an administrator gets upset that I'm posting on the same subject too often, this will be the last post about my foot for a while.

1. Dr. Martinez has been awesome. He has really kept on top of things and made sure I got the test that were needed and wouldn't take no for an answer. If others were so proactive, things wouldn't have gone so far.

2. I do not have an infection. Perhaps at one point I did, but I don't now. So that is a relief. After getting a bone scan a few weeks ago and getting a CT scan and x-rays today, everything came up negative.

Yesterday I drove all the way down to Sarasota to get an MRI (It's more than an hour drive one way) only to be told that I was too fat. That really does give one a blow to their ego. Excuse me ma'am, but the machine can only take one person at a time and each of your ass cheeks constitutes a person. Notwithstanding that I told these people my weight beforehand and that the nurse at the specialist did to (I was standing right there when she called), there was a "miscommunication" and I wasted 3 hours of my life.

I am really stressing over this move.

Hormones and age have sapped what little physical strength I had, and we aren't going to have a lot of help moving. I think this might be the worst move I've had yet, and that's saying something ...

It's been a case of ups & downs recently, none more so than the past few days.

As I've previously said, I've been suffering depression for a few months but it is under those conditions that I find I can concentrate on my writing as I effectively block out everything else. That doesn't mean that I ignore my teenage daughter, some chance of that, but calls & emails are unanswered for hours, or days.

Jennifer Sue

As an Indiana resident in Indianapolis, and a Religious Jew, I will be picketing the State Capital and Governor's Mansion claiming the Discrimination Law is against God's Law as soon as my foot doesn't have an ulcer.

Companies with headquarters in Indiana:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/30/indiana-ceos-lgbt-d...

Well, I finally made it to the end of a really tough week. My job was very physically taxing all week, getting ready for this move is stressing me, and my spiritual struggles meant I was emotionally drained all the time.

Ah, well. Maybe next week will be better ...

I am not going to give you too much information on this. You need to Google "Xq-28". There are enough articles out there to give a range of opinion. It appears that the "Gay" genes are being isolated and that as this occurs, transgender genes are sure to follow.

AND, I have often thought that perhaps I was simply Gay?

It's going to happen for us, I just know it.

Gwen

I got a FB PM from her this morning. She tells me that she still loves me but because of her belief's WILL NOT concider me to be her sister. Not only that but she will continue to use male pronouns and my birth name to introduce me to others and speak to me. She says she wants to have a conversation with me about my transitioning however from what I got from the PM, she is absolutely sure that God conciders what I am doing to be an abomination.

Well, it looks like everything is set, and we're gonna be moving over the next month.

The good part of it is that we dont have to wait to start sending stuff over to the new place, so it wont have to happen in one big moving day. The bad parts include the fact that we're gonna have to give away or put in storage a lot of our stuff as the new place is much smaller, and that my online time will become more and more constrained as I spend more time getting stuff done.

Ah, well. short term pain for long term gain, or so I hope ...

9:31 a.m.

I'm at a desolate, deserted Souter Point on England's gloomy north-east coast. And I'm far from happy.

I just want to vent and whine and cry a little if that's okay with others. I've seen others do it, so I figured maybe it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterwards. If not, I can try to kill myself with Rocky Road Ice Cream and see if I can fall into an ice cream induced coma (one step past brain freeze).

I am an interest mix of paradoxes. I don't think people realize that and sometimes it is difficult to form a kind of cohesion to make everything fit. Sometimes it leads to doubt, sometimes it leads to self-hatred, and a few times it has led to self harm.

I have avoided talking about this for a while, but I finally decided I needed to share this bit of news.

I am in serious financial trouble.

Thanks to a budgeting exercise my sister in law helped my mom and I with, we discovered that we are in the hole for $ 600 a month.

Six ... hundred ... dollars ... short ... every ... month.

obviously, that's not sustainable.

So we're trying to find a cheaper place to live, and working where we can to get this under control.

Just for fun, here is a top five list of ways they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron

Number 5 - Entire cast replaced by CGI

Number 4 - Ultron does a really bad Darth Vader impersonation

Number 3 - Hulk spends movie riding the rides at Disneyworld

Number 2 - Climax involves game of "go fish"

and the Number 1 way they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron is ...

two words - "Cap nipples"

There you go, your giggle for the day ...

Well, I had planned to write a little blog on the fact that Barbie seems to have less trouble making a super-heroine aimed at kids than either Marvel or DC comics do, but I think I should talk about some more serious stuff instead.

Anybody who knows me probably knows I struggle with self care a lot.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I suck at looking after myself.

The black dog, for those who are unaware, was Churchill's term for depression. Well, it's standing next to me at the moment. Work problems are somewhat awful right now, and getting worse, and together with the PTSD and GID I am not doing very well. Not cycling, not even going out the front door except for work and to get food.

Writing has taken a back seat, as you may have noticed. The dog has me by the throat and won't let go. Normal service may or may not be resumed at some point.

Every once in a while, I get an insight into myself, and even though its not always good, I think its important for me to share it.

As they say, confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation, so here goes ...

To give you some context, let me tell you a story.

A few weeks back my brother and sister in law were over, and my sister in law got talking about using excuses when dealing with my behavior. I agree with the idea, taking ownership of my behavior is a good step, so I am gonna do that for one area right now.

This entry's going to be quite a ride, folks, so strap in and hang on.

A recent post by another BCTS blogger on the subject of dreams and creativity reminded me that dreams can be a wonderful muse--and a maddeningly frustrating one. Submitted for your approval, as Rod Serling would have said:

Well, I might be no expert on dreams, but when I have two dreams in a row about failure and frustration I think it means something.

The first dream involved me trying to make a meal, and very quickly things went wrong. First, some of the ingredients I bought turned out to be the wrong ones, then some tomatoes I bought were so bruised I couldn't use them, and then just when I thought I was ready to put the dish into the oven I discovered that somehow my dog had jumped into the pan wrecking the meal.

Well, the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety, and last night I finally put together why.

It goes back to an article on Facebook which was about child abuse, and the idea of making a Valentine's day card for your younger self.. I thought it was a really good idea, and was going to work on making one for the 7-9 year old me, but I didn't realize how much I was triggering myself until my anxiety was at Defcon 5 and you could almost hear the robot from "Lost in Space" going "Danger, Dorothy Colleen, Danger!"

I wanted to send a special thank you out to Naomi, Doc, Fiona, Talia, Star, and all the other crazies who have been so awesome to me on the BC chat site, especially the last while when I've been in blanket-fort mode as often as not.

They've cheered for me, they've been silly to make me giggle, and they've always been ready with huggles when I needed them, which has been pretty often.

Special thanks to Naomi for being willing to join Jaci in our little game of "who's girly", which never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Bless you all.

This month's TG Mixed Tape will not have a contribution from me, sadly.

I had every intention of contributing something. Really I did.

I wish I could blame it on the illness (bronchitis, to be exact) that refuses to go away, even after nearly two months.But I can't, since really, I feel pretty good now, and conceivably could have contributed something in the limited window left to me.

Since my fiction stories are in various stages of completion at the moment, I told Hutcho that I'd contribute an essay on growing up as a disabled transperson. It seemed like a good idea, since there's not much written about folks like me, and no documentary to my knowledge has ever tackled the subject. Easy, right?

I think I've figured out why I've been so fragile the last little while.. I think it was in part due to stress because of Sharon's health situation (which added to the pile of stress I've already been dealing with.) And in part because I've been triggered by the 50 shades of grey discussions.

You might say "Dorothy, the movie is about bondage, how does that trigger you?"

In my younger days I used to like playing on the cb radio in New York City. I had a little walkie talkie type unit that didn't get much range, but how much do you need in a condensed area.

At the end of the night I would always end with over and out and go on with life. I always wondered what was over and what was out. My guess is that my participation was over and my power was out.

I always thought that was a fun way to end things

over and out.