Autobiographical

I'm terribly sorry

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Since I started publishing on Big Closet, I have managed to produce at least one piece every month with one exception.

However, that streak is in jeopardy now.

The piece I was working on based on a nightmare is too triggering for me right now, and the other story I had started, "Solomon's test" has its own problems. Mainly that I am afraid it might be too close to the current story "Shortcuts", insofar as both stories are about a bet between cosmic forces and a person getting super powers.

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The Family Girl #073: Saying Goodbye with a Smiley

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The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #73: Saying Goodbye with a Smiley

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl

Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

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Auntie Rachel's Grab Bag

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Every once in a while I have a random assortment of subjects to write about that aren't quite substantial enough to merit their own entry, so it felt best to include the lot of them under the above catch-all title so I can get them out of my system already.

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PTSD time

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Well, after I read the latest chapter of "Buffalo gal wont you come out tonight", I ended up struggling pretty hard with my PTSD. (Not blaming the author, the warnings were there, I read it anyway)

I cried for more than an hour on the phone with Jaci before I calmed down enough to sleep, and since I woke up I've been feeling super anxious and I am having a hard time keeping my heart rate down.

Ah, well. Just another day ...

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Strange conversation with Urologist

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So, I have been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and went to a VA Urologist to see how to access Medicare to access a surgical solution to my incomplete SRS surgery. Well, the meeting was waaaayyy different than I thought it would be.

She said I have classic Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which manifests by pain in the hip, general pelvis area, and anterior abdominal area, often feeling like pain in the ovaries. (I have no ovaries) She believes that the "Ovary" pain is either from scar tissue from their removal at birth, or from simple muscle tension.

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A worthless piece of poo makes it right

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Thursday, I rolled over in bed and on top of Felix's laptop. I then proceeded to move it further out of my way with my knee. Long story short, I cracked the screen. I felt bad. I felt horrible. And I should feel those things because, as everyone knows, I am a bad, horrible person.

I didn't know I cracked the screen until Felix came home and went to use his laptop. Only made matters worse. I guess I could have lied and said I had no clue, but I fessed up.

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Birth certificate changes after GRS

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I am writing this for those of you who do the change on a Birth certificate. I had problems after my surgery with the state of Minnesota. I went through the county I was born in, then had to file a state application. Even with a judges signature on the change of name and a certified copy from the physician. the state and county did not tell me the amount I had to pay. I had to send a certified check to the state of Minnesota and I had already sent one to the county as I had talked with them.

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Company Unlawful Harrassment Policy.

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Recently at work there was perceived racial slur in a comment overheard by a third party and as a result we were all issued a copy of the company's unlawful harassment policy, which I quote below.


Unlawful Harassment Policy Acknowledgement

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strange dream

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I wanted to share this strange dream I had a couple of days ago.

At the start of the dream, I was dressed and laying on a made king-size bed, as if I was going to watch TV there. Then the door to the room opened and a man came into the room. At first, I welcomed him, and invited him to come join me on the bed.

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Where did it go

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the time- where did it all go.

Today should be a happy day, but it's not. Not really. It is my birthday and I turned 4 - oh no today. So it is time to put away the pretty little dresses and the rumba pants, time to put the petticoats in storage, and time to say good bye to the party dresses, the footed pajamas, and the one piece swimsuits with the little tutus. I will have to say good bye to my old friends Barbie, Ken, and Skipper. The Barbie corvette is up on blocks and the pink power wheels jeep is being sold on craigslist.

But there are things to look forward to.

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Got an amazing compliment

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I had posted on facebook about my poem, and I got this comment from Bailey Summers:

"Dotti's actually a very skilled poetry authoress I think she should send some into some of the national laurate programs."

Guess who's blushing?

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An epiphany, sorta..

I have spent what seems like an inordinate time wondering why I am trans. Oh I know, there are several scientific reasons and more are still awaiting discovery, but I have suddenly found that it isn't really important WHY I am trans, but that I AM trans and, surprisingly, that seems right somehow.

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It's Jaci's fault!

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Well, this has been a very interesting week for me. It started with me having this odd urge to look "pretty", followed by feeling very uncomfortable and bloated, having a bit of the runs, and finally, slightly ... er ... lonely ...

In other words, my body tried its very best to simulate a period.

And I blame my friend Jaci. This happens to her every month, and somehow she's given it to me ...

Ah, well.

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I wish I had a snuggle partner

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I am a blessed (or lucky) person, and I know this. I've begun a transition, and still I have been able to have a job, I've still got my family, and none of the horrible things I feared have happened to me.

But despite my blessings, I wish I could have one more.

A person to share my life with.

Ah, well.

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Odd few days

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I've been feeling a bit down recently, partly post-Christmas blues, partly no work coming in, partly money's tight.

When I last had a major downer, when I was going through divorce and child custody issues, I wrote. That was when, in 2008, some of my stories started and many of the story threads I imagined are now being written into something coherent.

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Acceptance

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For those who've followed the twisting turning path that is my life, caring enough to drop a note, or lift up a prayer, thank you.
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Fortunately, this isn't about drama. Not about rejection, divorce, hostility or any other negative emotion.Nor is it about weight loss or weight gain, physical problems, or the vagaries of my doctors. All of those are present, it's just they've taken a backseat to something I'd nearly forgotten exists.
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Acceptance.
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Update

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My radiators have been fixed so hopefully no more water dripping about the place. My house feels nice and warm again and I'll shall sit down before I open the bill when it arrives.

Did a bit more cycling today but my fitness is well down after my cold. My mileage for last year was the lowest for ages, so I hope to do better this. My daughter seems to be feeling a little better as well, so perhaps things are going to improve at last.

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Why do I try?

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Perhaps it is time to clear the air?

Often I write about other cultures, and to be authentic in those stories there is often some element of religion to keep it all in context. There are many places in the world where even though one might be an atheist, they must either pray in the streets or hide until everyone is done. I don't actually care what your beliefs are and if you confront me about them, it will be a waste of time. That element was only in the story to depict realistic situations.

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Our ailing old cat might have a bit more life in him

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My sister took our sick and nearly 20 year old cat to the vet to see if the meds had helped any

Still not sure if he has cancer but he does have an inflamed bowel.

The bloody stools have stopped as best we can tell.

His red blood cell value was at 13 out of a healthy 30 right after Christmas. He was near critical at that time according to the vet.

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Three wheels on my wagon

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So. New Year's Eve, and when I came to log on I found my systems wouldn't let me. A quick check and one of my servers, the important one, had died. Some belt and braces rearrangement and I carried on, just about. Then yesterday, another computer died...

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Attempting to rejoin the human race - plus - Secret Identity

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After a prolonged period of severe depression I'm trying to get back to writing stories again. I began work on a new story a few weeks ago, and it's starting to look pretty good. Really struggling to stick with it. It's difficult to write in a vacuum and I've drifted so far from the few friends I ever had. I'm not even sure anyone would remember me or be glad to know I'm still around.

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Looking back at 2014

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Looking back at 2014, it started as just another year, nothing terribly special, but then I lost my best friend, spoke about being trans in front of my church, spent most of December fighting depression and flashbacks, and grieved for a girl I had never met in life.

So some good, some bad, I guess that's normal ...

I am kinda hoping 2015 has more of the good stuff ...

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Happy 2015

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Some of had a good 2014 and some of us won't be sorry to see it end.
So here is to a NEW YEAR 2015 may it be everything you want it to be and give you everything you want.
HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR to my BCTS family
HUGS and KISSES :-) RICHIE2

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Happy New Year

Happy New year to everyone, whichever time zone you find yourself in.

I rejoined BCTS during 2014 having been absent for a while. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time back here and love the community atmosphere. I hope my stories have contributed too, having concluded two in the past week.

My aim is to be a better author in 2015, and a better person too.

Love and hugs to all
shiraz_sig.png

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Follow up on my Xmas loss, odd happening at funeral sevice

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Well we buried Jimmy yesterday . He is no longer in pain after his Motorcycle crash 2 years ago . I got to meet his children and Grandchildren . His younger daughter not only lost her dad BUT her husband got the call that his DAD died the same morning . What are the odds of losing 2 important people on the same day .
Goodbye my friend

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I've been thinking about things

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I have been reading about Leelah Alcorn, and even though I never knew her in life, I find myself feeling a strong connection with her death.
Because I've been where she was.

Two times I had a plan, and came within moments of carrying it out, and once I simply found myself with a knife at my wrist not even remembering putting it there.

I have tried to "pray away the trans" as hard any person could, and with every bit of sincerity I possess.
I have been to Christian councilors looking for someone to "cure" me.

I have wondered if God hated me.

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A special warmth

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Well, I am back in sunny Florida and the high temp was 80 degrees. Yesterday I was in San Francisco and the temp was low 50s. On the other hand I just had a glorious 6 days with my son, Sean and his mom, Toni. There was warmth. They love me. I'm not sure that I understand it all but they love me.
Toni got us tickets to "Chanticleer" www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohH62CSC574, which was magnificent and I even went to church with her on Christmas Eve to hear her in the choir.

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The year draws closer to its end as does our oldest cat

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Just came back from the vet.

Our four year old, Simon, has a couple chipped/broken teeth that may need to be removed. Otherwise very healthy.

Rusty, almost 20 years old, has lost a pound - 1/8th of his weight -- since this summer. He has blood in his stool, is somewhat anemic and his colon feels thick and abnormal. This on top of his kidney disease and heart murmur.

They did tests. We find out Monday.

They gave us some meds to ease his symptoms.

The vet first thought colitis but given his age and the abnormal feeling bowel... quite possibly cancer.

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Christmas Blues

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Here I go again.

No health insurance, which means scripts run out. One of them was my antidepressants. I probably am going to have to go out of pocket with this one.

Problem is the withdrawal. It is a killer, or could be. About a week before Christmas I went into a depression that I would class as life threatening. When I get like that I don't reach out to people, I just shut down. Which probably accounts for why I don't have the meds yet, a positive feedback loop of the worst sort. It broke in time for Christmas, which was good.

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had a nice Christmas dinner

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I seem to have a habit of creating stress in situations far beyond what the situation actually calls for.

For example, leading up to my going to my aunt's for Christmas dinner, the battle I was waging to conquer my fear and go in a dress was so intense I was in tears. (Jaci can confirm this, she listened to me cry)

But in the end, I went in my church dress, and it was no problem whatsoever.

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Bad Sad Day

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My Christmas day when to hell with 1 phone call this afternoon . Our friend Jimmy never woke up this morning . The big guy (6'6") was 54 and probably had an aneurysm as he was in the hospital with headaches .
We have lost to many friends and family very young
Rest in Peace Jimmy you will be missed

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I desperately need help explaining ASAP

I currently work at Kroger's as a Deli Clerk, and have been trying to explain to my parent's in a way they can understand for weeks now, why I can't keep working there as it is mental torture for me. They want me to wait until I get another job but I can't explain to them what it does to me to be around so many happy and normal people.

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one busy Christmas

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Well, I have had a busy Christmas.

Sharon called me not long after I had come home and gone to bed, telling me that she had fallen, and was bleeding.

I drove over, picked up her and my daughter, took Sharon to the hospital and brought my daughter to my house to wait for word.

Finally, about 2:30, she called and we went and picked her back up at the hospital and took her and my daughter to their home.

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I will no longer be Katie Leone

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In the course of life we all undergo changes; it is inevitable. I have lived under the presumption that I can never be truly happy without something completely horrible on the horizon for so long that it has become my mantra. I felt like life was trying to teach me a lesson that I didn't deserve good things and that I was unlovable. My destiny was to live and eventually die alone.

It seems that I maybe have been mistaken.

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had a nice Christmas Eve with my daughter

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Well, I had a nice day with my daughter. We opened presents, watched "Muppet Christmas Carol" and "How the Grinch stole Christmas" (the cartoon version), and it was very very nice.

I am so very grateful that I have her in my life.

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I'm a little nervous

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I am a little nervous.

I am going over for dinner on Christmas night at an aunt's, and most of my relatives who might be there will never have met Dorothy before.

I find myself fighting between a desire to drab up as much as possible and remain hidden vs. feminizing myself and standing proud ...

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Final Discharge ?

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December 23. It has been 10 years since the family got on my computer assumed I was gay, and threw me out. At first it was touch and go as to whether I would make it or blow my brains out. This was one of the happiest Christmases I have had until my son sent me an email saying he was coming for a visit. He'll likely see his Mum and sisters, and I suppose if I am fortunate if he will not come to see me.

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Family 'contact' after divorce

As many will know, I separated from my ex in 2008 but was able to gain custody of my (then 9yo) daughter in 2010. Since then I have made best efforts to maintain contact between my daughter and her maternal family, albeit within the limits of a restrictive court order.

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Girl to boy, Yikes !

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On Facebook I have encountered a young Mormon woman who feels she is male. Sigh !!! And looking at her facial features, it seems likely that she has some sort of intersex issue. She is one of those women who can look female with long hair, and with short hair and perhaps a bit of Testosterone look male perhaps. As you probably already can suss out, Dad is not speaking to her and Mom is in tears. This to me is the pain road ...

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thoughts and prayers appreciated

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I have been dealing with a lot of issues at the same time lately - fighting a cold, several flashbacks, a massive depression, and several worries - worry over Sharon who is dealing with an infection post having her fibroid removed, worry over my mother's stress levels as Christmas approaches, worry over my financial struggles ...

Lets just say I am really running low on spoons, and I would appreciate any prayers or good thoughts or huggles right now.

Thanks.

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Hi again!

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Hi! It's been a really long time since I've written anything here.

Things have been going really well for me with my marriage and new home.

I really love the way things have changed here. A very nice job to all involved!

A couple of people have asked when I would finish my last story. I would really like to and there is a story behind it and why I haven't, and it goes back to a thing that is talked about a lot here, which is being nice about criticism.

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A message from a movie

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Do you guys mind if I stand on a soapbox for moment?

I saw the movie "Big Hero 6" today.

I had been struggling with my emotions after having a flashback, and so I decided to do something to shake myself out of it rather than stew, and so I went to the movie.

It is an awesome movie, but what hit me was the themes, which I found pretty profound for a Disney film - grief, vengeance, and justice.

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A real Dom

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OK, i have switched to my subbie persona for the purpose of this blog.

i used to think that i was a bonafide subbie, and then today i listened to someone say that they always thought that they were an abused subbie, but as it turned out as she got well, she found out that she was actually an abuser, and not even a subbie or a Dom. Hmmmm. She also said that she had learned how to not manipulate people in a negative way.

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