Sweet flying spaghetti monster, I thought I'd never have to deal with this again. Especially not from one of our own.
As I was making my way home from my monthly transgender support group meeting, I ended up behind someone obviously transgender herself--someone vaguely familiar.
It turns out she lives in the same apartment complex I do. After years of being the only transgender tenant, apparently I have company.
As to where on the TG spectrum she falls, I'm guessing she's either a crossdresser or a drag queen, since I seem to remember seeing her in male mode. I had no idea about her other side, as it were.
My initial euphoria at finding someone like me (at least in broad terms) living there was short-lived, however.
She saw me behind her, and let me pass. As she walked through the parking lot toward our apartment complex, I noticed her friend whispering something. The transperson laughed, and I heard her say, "She's not a girl!" (Or "That's not a girl!"--I don't think she even afforded me the respect of the correct gender pronoun).
To laugh at me is one thing. I've been laughed at before. But to be outed on top of that? Uh-uh. Nope. I'm not going to let that go unchallenged.
She'd better hope I don't see her anytime over the next few days, because the urge to commit grievous bodily harm is tremendous right now. Failing that, I'll settle for her being evicted, as I consider what she did to be a form of harassment, not to mention childish and cruel. Granted, most of the people who know me know I'm trans, but I won't stand for her telling strangers about me without my permission. Has she been blathering about my trans status to every newcomer to the complex? Who knows?
I know physical violence is not the answer, of course, but short of that, what should I do? What can I do? She would have to do this at the moment I was feeling my worst.
Comments
outed with malice aforethought
I'm sorry that happened. I know how it can feel, especially after a number of years without anyone saying or doing anything to cause difficulty.
I hope someone here has some suggestions because my recourse in such a situation is rather unique. I am still under the "national security" envelope (yes, despite some thirty years of being out of the "picture"). As such all I need to do is notify my handlers and the person in question would quietly be 'disappeared'.
(Seen it happen).
I'm sorry I have no suggestions, dear. I hope others can come up with something better than "go talk with the individual".
Anesidora
The truly galling thing about this is...
...that I paved the way for folks like her and those who come after. I was the first transgender person that folks in that complex had ever seen when I moved in back in 2000, and to say they didn't know how to handle me is an understatement. The first day I went to the dining room in the main building (they serve lunch daily to folks here) no one would sit with me. I suffered the gossip, the lies, the insults, the whispered comments, and the misgendering so she wouldn't have to. They're pretty much used to people like us now.
I'm not expecting any awards, mind you, but I do think I deserve at least a little bit of respect. She chose not to give it, so she lost someone who could have been an ally.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Don't get angry
it will only make things worse. If you get the chance explain how you felt about her cheap remark, how it hurt you and that as you hadn't done anything to her, ask her why she did it. If she apologises, let it go, if she gets funny just walk away because nothing you can say or do then will help.
Anyway, we all love you and to us you are the epitome of elegance.
Angharad
outed
personally if it was me that this happened to he/she/it would be picking her teeth of the floor.
Oh I know violence isn't always the answer but if the comments are deliberately malicious then I can be very malicious in return.Not too long ago I was accused of being a paedophile and guess what the person who made the remark is still nursing a broke jaw,
I'm not very tall and of slight build , but did serve 23yrs in the British Army, as they say I've been there and seen it all got the tee shirt and starred in the film.
At 62(in a couple of weeks) I've been abused one way or another my whole life (never sexually) and still bear some of physical scars left by various people who were usually family or so called friends so sometimes when it's payback time a smack in the mouth of the culprit makes me feel a whole lot better.
Over the years I've learned to trust no one or to rely on anyone, okay so I don't have a friend in the world and am totally (not unusual) ignored by my so called family. That has never bothered me but I do have the love, loyalty and companionship of my two dogs Badger and Georgia. So if violence helps do it and damn the consequenses
FYI
Crossdressers and Drag Queens are not Transgender. They are gender nonconforming Cis men. This Cis asshole outed you after all the support ya'll gave him? What a dick.
So fucking sick of Cis people... so sick.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
to be precise
They are Transgender people, but are not transsexuals. The Transgender umbrella is very broad.
I think that is why we have so much trouble being accepted. Transgender women's rights overlap those of cis men who are drag queens and CD's. The war between the two groups is sad. The queens and CDs often refuse to acknowledge trans women are different than they are.
What that person did was wrong and sadly so very male. I hope they learn someday.
/Cassie Ellen
So is he 'out' there also?
If not, a crossdresser is far more vulnerable to being outed.
Sadly the I've met can be some of the most clueless folks though. My partner was outed by one at a club we were at on Long Island NY. He thought it would be fun to out my partner because it would be a good 'surprise'.
Granted the place was a gay nightspot but that is not the point. She was getting on fine (socially) with the lesbian girls there until he oh so helpfully outed her. They stayed away from her after that.
What a prick.
Oh and another 'friend' of mine tried to out me also
Same club, and yes he was a regular there. And a crossdresser. They wouldn't believe him though :P.
I don't know...
...since we really didn't know one another very well before this incident, but you're right: if closeted, this person is hurling some pretty big stones at an extremely fragile glass house. I would not, of course, respond in kind and out the person just as I'd been outed. But the main office is going to be informed should it happen again.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Could it be that the person
Could it be that the person this one "confided" in is also trans? Or someone whom they (and maybe you) can really trust to not out you? Maybe a candidate for your support group? If yes, this decreases the nastiness a little (though does not remove it completely).
response
whether verbal or physical, an immediate response is much more effective. I would suggest the phrase "What I am or am not is none of your concern as you are unwelcome in my bed." That's what I suggest for others. What I would do personally I don't recommend. Respect can come from admiration, or fear. I take both.*malevolent smile*
quidquid sum ego, et omnia mea semper; Ego me.
alecia Snowfall
I kinda prefer the line
from a movie who's title I forget. "HONEY, I'M MORE WOMAN THAN YOU WILL EVER GET AND MORE MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!"
Of course, a good solid shot at his/her dental work does hold a certain appeal to my more aggressive side, but then again, suppose you give her/him your best shot, perfectly placed, and he/she grins back at you and laughs? Hopefully your running speed will be better than your physical strength. Then there's the legal aspect of the shot in the mouth...that being assault...placed on you, since the law doesn't consider physical violence an appropriate or legal response to a verbal insult.
Sigh. I guess the "acceptable" choice of doing nothing physical is your best option. Not the most satisfying one certainly, but perhaps the least risky one for you.
There are always going to be people out there who delight in bringing someone else down to their level, or lower. You can't punch them all. Too bad, huh?
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Sanctions
If a TG support group member outs another member, would it not be possible to get her kicked out of the group for breaking confidentiality? Would it not be possible to spread the word in the TG community that she is not to be trusted? Isolation can be a powerful LART (L-user Attitude Readjustment Tool).
The person in question....
...wasn't a part of the support group I attend. It was just coincidental that I happened to run into her as I was leaving a meeting. So, there's really nothing to ostracize her from.
I've since learned that she is in fact a full-time male-to-female transgender person, one who unfortunately gets the same sniping comments from the other residents of my apartment complex that I received when I first moved in. As a matter of fact, one woman had the gall to say to me, of all people, how she hated to see that "crossdresser" come down to the common area dressed as a woman. (I felt an incredible urge to say to her, "Do you have any idea who you're talking to??") So I feel a little more sympathy for her than I did the night of that incident, but only just.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Questionable person ;)
Ah. Thanks for clearing that up.
To me, that makes her little stunt even more grievous and malicious.
Even that little bit sounds very charitable to me. Here’s hoping for eventual freedom from harassment for daring to be yourselves.