So, I have been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and went to a VA Urologist to see how to access Medicare to access a surgical solution to my incomplete SRS surgery. Well, the meeting was waaaayyy different than I thought it would be.

She said I have classic Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which manifests by pain in the hip, general pelvis area, and anterior abdominal area, often feeling like pain in the ovaries. (I have no ovaries) She believes that the "Ovary" pain is either from scar tissue from their removal at birth, or from simple muscle tension.

I am writing this for those of you who do the change on a Birth certificate. I had problems after my surgery with the state of Minnesota. I went through the county I was born in, then had to file a state application. Even with a judges signature on the change of name and a certified copy from the physician. the state and county did not tell me the amount I had to pay. I had to send a certified check to the state of Minnesota and I had already sent one to the county as I had talked with them.

I wanted to share this strange dream I had a couple of days ago.

At the start of the dream, I was dressed and laying on a made king-size bed, as if I was going to watch TV there. Then the door to the room opened and a man came into the room. At first, I welcomed him, and invited him to come join me on the bed.

I had posted on facebook about my poem, and I got this comment from Bailey Summers:

"Dotti's actually a very skilled poetry authoress I think she should send some into some of the national laurate programs."

Guess who's blushing?

Just wanted to says it's nice to see New Authors . I personally want to say welcome and KUDOS the first story is now over so the hard part is done now on to the next story . Hugs Richie2

Well, this has been a very interesting week for me. It started with me having this odd urge to look "pretty", followed by feeling very uncomfortable and bloated, having a bit of the runs, and finally, slightly ... er ... lonely ...

In other words, my body tried its very best to simulate a period.

And I blame my friend Jaci. This happens to her every month, and somehow she's given it to me ...

Ah, well.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, partly post-Christmas blues, partly no work coming in, partly money's tight.

When I last had a major downer, when I was going through divorce and child custody issues, I wrote. That was when, in 2008, some of my stories started and many of the story threads I imagined are now being written into something coherent.

My radiators have been fixed so hopefully no more water dripping about the place. My house feels nice and warm again and I'll shall sit down before I open the bill when it arrives.

Did a bit more cycling today but my fitness is well down after my cold. My mileage for last year was the lowest for ages, so I hope to do better this. My daughter seems to be feeling a little better as well, so perhaps things are going to improve at last.

Perhaps it is time to clear the air?

Often I write about other cultures, and to be authentic in those stories there is often some element of religion to keep it all in context. There are many places in the world where even though one might be an atheist, they must either pray in the streets or hide until everyone is done. I don't actually care what your beliefs are and if you confront me about them, it will be a waste of time. That element was only in the story to depict realistic situations.

So. New Year's Eve, and when I came to log on I found my systems wouldn't let me. A quick check and one of my servers, the important one, had died. Some belt and braces rearrangement and I carried on, just about. Then yesterday, another computer died...

Looking back at 2014, it started as just another year, nothing terribly special, but then I lost my best friend, spoke about being trans in front of my church, spent most of December fighting depression and flashbacks, and grieved for a girl I had never met in life.

So some good, some bad, I guess that's normal ...

I am kinda hoping 2015 has more of the good stuff ...

Happy New year to everyone, whichever time zone you find yourself in.

I rejoined BCTS during 2014 having been absent for a while. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time back here and love the community atmosphere. I hope my stories have contributed too, having concluded two in the past week.

My aim is to be a better author in 2015, and a better person too.

Love and hugs to all

I have been reading about Leelah Alcorn, and even though I never knew her in life, I find myself feeling a strong connection with her death.
Because I've been where she was.

Two times I had a plan, and came within moments of carrying it out, and once I simply found myself with a knife at my wrist not even remembering putting it there.

I have tried to "pray away the trans" as hard any person could, and with every bit of sincerity I possess.
I have been to Christian councilors looking for someone to "cure" me.

I have wondered if God hated me.

Just came back from the vet.

Our four year old, Simon, has a couple chipped/broken teeth that may need to be removed. Otherwise very healthy.

Rusty, almost 20 years old, has lost a pound - 1/8th of his weight -- since this summer. He has blood in his stool, is somewhat anemic and his colon feels thick and abnormal. This on top of his kidney disease and heart murmur.

They did tests. We find out Monday.

They gave us some meds to ease his symptoms.

The vet first thought colitis but given his age and the abnormal feeling bowel... quite possibly cancer.

I seem to have a habit of creating stress in situations far beyond what the situation actually calls for.

For example, leading up to my going to my aunt's for Christmas dinner, the battle I was waging to conquer my fear and go in a dress was so intense I was in tears. (Jaci can confirm this, she listened to me cry)

But in the end, I went in my church dress, and it was no problem whatsoever.

I currently work at Kroger's as a Deli Clerk, and have been trying to explain to my parent's in a way they can understand for weeks now, why I can't keep working there as it is mental torture for me. They want me to wait until I get another job but I can't explain to them what it does to me to be around so many happy and normal people.

In the course of life we all undergo changes; it is inevitable. I have lived under the presumption that I can never be truly happy without something completely horrible on the horizon for so long that it has become my mantra. I felt like life was trying to teach me a lesson that I didn't deserve good things and that I was unlovable. My destiny was to live and eventually die alone.

It seems that I maybe have been mistaken.

I am a little nervous.

I am going over for dinner on Christmas night at an aunt's, and most of my relatives who might be there will never have met Dorothy before.

I find myself fighting between a desire to drab up as much as possible and remain hidden vs. feminizing myself and standing proud ...

December 23. It has been 10 years since the family got on my computer assumed I was gay, and threw me out. At first it was touch and go as to whether I would make it or blow my brains out. This was one of the happiest Christmases I have had until my son sent me an email saying he was coming for a visit. He'll likely see his Mum and sisters, and I suppose if I am fortunate if he will not come to see me.

As many will know, I separated from my ex in 2008 but was able to gain custody of my (then 9yo) daughter in 2010. Since then I have made best efforts to maintain contact between my daughter and her maternal family, albeit within the limits of a restrictive court order.

I have been dealing with a lot of issues at the same time lately - fighting a cold, several flashbacks, a massive depression, and several worries - worry over Sharon who is dealing with an infection post having her fibroid removed, worry over my mother's stress levels as Christmas approaches, worry over my financial struggles ...

Lets just say I am really running low on spoons, and I would appreciate any prayers or good thoughts or huggles right now.

Thanks.

Hi! It's been a really long time since I've written anything here.

Things have been going really well for me with my marriage and new home.

I really love the way things have changed here. A very nice job to all involved!

A couple of people have asked when I would finish my last story. I would really like to and there is a story behind it and why I haven't, and it goes back to a thing that is talked about a lot here, which is being nice about criticism.

OK, i have switched to my subbie persona for the purpose of this blog.

i used to think that i was a bonafide subbie, and then today i listened to someone say that they always thought that they were an abused subbie, but as it turned out as she got well, she found out that she was actually an abuser, and not even a subbie or a Dom. Hmmmm. She also said that she had learned how to not manipulate people in a negative way.

Hooray for me! One year closer to my third decade, and still nothing to show for it.

On the plus side, though, I never REALLY expected to make it this long, so... yay?