I used to be semi-suicidally depressed. I think I was nearly there until I transitioned.

I was riding a high. So many worries fell away when I transitioned and nobody so much as tittered. I tried to use makeup but my internal voice said 'this is not good' I could never use it well enough to be pretty let alone more than a man in makeup.

So somewhere along the line I said fuck it. I moved on never to look back.

I let my weight balloon up to 450lbs and didn't really notice until one day I had a heart arrhythmia and ended up in hospital panting to breath. They put me on heart meds and I quickly lost 150lbs and I again felt good.

I think the thing that was holding me back the most was... wait for it. My mother. I never really realised until she was gone that I was holding my breath trying not to disgust her. She was my biggest supporter but something deep down was holding me back as if I pushed this even one more step along the path I'd lose her support.

Don't wait until she is gone like I did.

I haven't moved any further since her death... but I'm hoping that is just my overwhelming sadness at her passing coming up on 3 months. On the bright side... after losing 150lbs I haven't gained any of it back in 2 years now.

I'm beginning to feel like i need to get started on my weight loss at least. I have some leg issues that come with severe venous disorder and that significantly limits my mobility.

Its just me, but I say #)@$ SRS/GRS if it happens it happens. At my age its unlikely I'll not die alone so I'm not feeling rushed anymore. I do still want it just not as much as when I was 32 (oh I'm 54 this dec) and was driven out of my closet bawling my eyes out to start this journey.

I didn't feel safe until I could transition and I waited until I got my name change. I was in a chat room not unlike BC's but WAY more public. I had been whining about how the only thing I believed was holding me back was $$$. I had a private message asking me how serious I was. I lied just a little as I was really very scared of what I would do if I had the money. They asked me how much I needed. I said I'd need $100 for new glasses and $300 for name change and $100 for some decent work shoes. They called my little bluff (I did really want to go fulltime but was afraid), and asked for my address and I gave it. 2 weeks later a cheque arrived in the mail. It was for $500US! The Canadian $ was in even worse shape than it was now and after waiting a month for the cheque to clear I had nearly $800 Canadian. My heart was in my throat... before I could talk myself out of it I made an appointment for an eye exam, got my glasses, shoes and the paperwork to change my name sent away with the appropriate money order.

One of the requirements in my province is to pay for an add in a legal newspaper where legal announcements were made. So I sat back and waited for my name change to come in with my new birth certificate (with changed name).

It was perhaps two weeks later when the mail came and I got a not in an official internal post office envelope saying "Good luck with the name change Danny." Other than that the whole thing was a non-issue.

I went to my boss and told them after the christmas break I was coming to work as Danielle and the rest is history. I had already told my mom... but she lived 2450km away in Windsor (Across the river from Detroit aka. Detroit Canada) it wasn't until the next year she decided she wanted to move in with me!!!

I was in the middle of voice training and was trying to cause my voice into the proper range and since she already knew I didn't give it up until one day she told me to QUIT IT! It just makes you sound weak and fake. That was the moment nothing moved forward anymore.

*sigh*

Love,
Danielle "Dayna"