I can see her

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I could see her. Plain as day I can see her. At first I thought it was the shadows playing tricks on me or that I was very tired and my mind was conjuring images to keep me from falling asleep where I sit. I could see her, I would stake what little remains of my reputation on it. I could see the one I have seen before but I quite don't know where. I could see the one I know but can't place the name.

I looked away. Surely I was imagining such a thing and when I looked back the image on the wall would look more like a tortoise or a spaceship, or more than likely it wouldn't look like anything at all. I turned back. Slowly. Assuring myself that I was in need of a good long nap and perhaps some medicine to take care of my cough and aching body. I was expecting the image to be gone, to fade away in the recess of my mind like so many other flights of fantasy.

I could see her. She hadn't gone anywhere. The sculpted chin, the down cast eyes, the somber frown. She was watching.

Perhaps I had taken enough medicine as I were. A skeptic like me might believe angels exist, but they certainly don't visit the likes of me. Yet there she was. I had never noticed her before, there on the wall, but she was unmistakable. I tried to unfocus my eyes, see if when that spot came back into view that she would vanish.

She was real. Three-dimensions on a two-dimension plane. I could draw her if need be. I could describe her to a police sketch artist. I could describe her classical Greek features and this coming from a person who isn't attune to such discernment.

The angel was there, and I was there, and we were alone. These things always happen when you're alone. I think it's so skeptics like me can tear the vision to threads with logic and theories. But she was there with her porcelain skin, so smooth and without blemish, and her downcast eyes. She was sad and concerned, perhaps the same way a doctor looks when the test results reveal his greatest fear.

The angel was there and I was left to wonder if she was there to watch over me or to take me home.

I looked at the spot where her image lay, wondering. If this was the end at least I was home and not behind the wheel of my car. I was alone, but I always suspected I would go that way. We were at a stalemate, an impasse, a stand still. Everything was quiet, which in my neighborhood is not the norm.

"I can see you," I said in my mind, projecting my thoughts onto another plane.

"I know," the angel said somberly. "I wasn't hiding from you."

I breathed. In times like these it is important that you remind yourself to do the trivial things. "Are you here to take me home?"

Though the image didn't shift I can sense the angel shake her head. "It is not your time."

I was saddened. "I really want to go."

The angel nodded. "There is still more work for you to accomplish."

One doesn't argue with angels, and I wasn't about to find out why that was so. "What is there left for me to do? My life is in shambles, I destroyed all the roads the once lay open to me, I am stuck in the mire with nowhere to go."

"But God has opened a door for you," the angel said.

"But I ruined everything."

"Yet God can make all things new. God has opened a door for you, and what God has opened, no one in heaven or on earth can shut."

"But I can't see it."

"It is there and you must prepare yourself to go through."

"What must I do?" I whispered in my mind, scared that my life might still have meaning but I might possibly mess it up again.

"Make straight the paths for the coming of the Lord."

I knew exactly what the angel was referring to. She was referring to that which has ensnared me so many times before. "I'm not strong enough."

That somehow pleased the angel. "You have spoken wisely. In your weakness he shall make you strong and when your own strength is all but depleted cast your burdens on him, for his yoke is light."

"These are truths I know."

"Yes, you have the knowledge, now you only need to believe."

The room grew silent. I could still see the angel on the wall, but I knew our time together was through. She would still watch over me, and that was comforting, but there is a road to straighten and work to do. I don't know where that door leads, but I know to prepare myself. I know I need to cast off all that which hinders me as well.

I haven't gotten along with many over the internet, for that I apologize. Please forgive my anger and my arrogance. I can't promise perfection, but I promise to make strides.

Go in peace my friends.

Katie.

Comments

You are truly a child of God

Abby-Grace's picture

You are truly a child of God and a true believer, that much shines through or you would not be able to discern nor speak as you do. Only those with the Spirit understand the things of the Spirit, as it is the Spirit of God who both reveals and deciphers within the believer.

I recognized my own weakness, doubts and self within your words and I'm not ashamed to say your words left me bereft for my Lord and Savior who I spend more time hiding from than communing with through my inability to truly grasp his own righteousness toward me. Yet although you made me cry.

Although your words drew out my weakness and failings it did so as a poultice draws out fever or infection. I feel hope having felt exposed to Him again. Having heard once more that my hope is not in my strength but in His. That my purpose is still in tact regardless of my own failure. That He still loved me no matter what!

Thank you dear Katie for sharing your experience so eloquently and selflessly.

Abby-Grace x

Wow!

Dahlia's picture

Profoundly written and it brought tears to my eyes. I had to wait a few hours before I could write this because it had so many levels of truth and meaning to me.
As one who has tried the suicide route and failed, obviously, as well as feeling unworthy of grace, salvation or even the right to approach God in prayer, this blog post helps me realize it is the simple things in our lives we just need to sit quietly and be willing to listen. We need to open our minds to the improbable to be able to grasp the impossible.
The knowledge is so openly available if we will just sit in patience and acceptance for God to be able to accomplish his plans. We are always striving to do it our way. We just need the faith to sit and believe it will all work out in God's time and in his way.
Thank you so much for this post. I know many on this site will not read it as well as the ones who don't believe in Him, some are angry at God for the way we are but you have still stated your mind in a wonderful way for any who are willing accept it.

Dahlia