Can't live this life I am living

Author:

K.T. Leone

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Autobiographical

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First of, and this is important, I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!

With that out of the way, I will continue. My life, as it is currently going, has absolutely no purpose to it. For a type one personality like myself, that is unacceptable. In my youth I had dreams of doing big things (well big to me, I never wanted to be president or anything like that). I wanted to make differences in the lives of other people. In essence, I wanted to matter. That is still true today. I am 37, but I still want to do big things. I would like to see my novels published, turned into movies, reviewed by papers. I also want to help people. Maybe through writing or through life coaching. I still want to matter.

The problem is, my life doesn't afford me that opportunity. Sure I can name excuses, like my job delivering papers and my odd sleep schedule. But, in reality, the problem is I am a hermit. I go to work and I go home. I don't like being around people. I have major anger issues, I yell at people when I drive when I perceive them doing stupid things, I call people morons and idiots in stores and tell them to get a move on. I have no social life, no friends outside of a few people on the internet, and I don't have the desire to do anything. Even writing, which once fueled me has lost its luster. I tried to use the excuse of moving and time, truth is, it's just not in me, it no longer brings me joy. The last story I posted, A Mother's Love, I removed because I don't have the desire to finish it. I probably will remove a Pinkilicious Birthday as well for the same reason.

Surely my life was suppose to be more than me being an angry fat guy who waste time on the internet and watching TV. I use to think good of people, but have really grown distrustful. I use to want to at least be a little social (though I was popular through sports, I wasn't a party goer, but I did have a small group of close knit friends). Now I don't do anything, no movies, no going out to eat, no going to the beach.

On top of that I am really struggling with my Christian walk, which will be another post all together. But I wonder if that is part of it. Right now I don't even own a bible, not that I would be prone to read it. A few years ago I was running Bible studies and helping with a ministry, at least that was something.

So what am I after in this blog? I mean, it can't be just to blow off steam. I suppose what I am really after is ideas on how to get back on track. I would appreciate more than a JUST DO IT, Nike bumper sticker. How do I regain that balance, that desire, that zest for life that I am missing? Or did I already miss the boat? I just can't continue on the path I am on and need some solid pointers on getting better.

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I am not a professional...

and you may need one to deal with your anger issues. However, could they be growing out of your frustration with your life? Once upon a time, a tharapist told me a lot of research showed that humans were social animals and we need personal contact with others. I worry that simply communicating via electronic devices isn't enough. That said, I'd suggest starting small. Concentrate on one thing outside your normal routine. Do something that helps others. Given your current state of mind, perhaps you might want to volunteer to pick up trash along a stretch of road, or help by stacking books at a local library, maybe wash dishes at a local food kitchen. Something that helps others, but doesn't involve too much contact with others. And come away with a feeling of satisfaction for doing something that helps--not because anyone notices, but just because you know you did it.

I know it can be tough. I used to get up every morning and deliver papers myself, so I had to get to bed early. But you still have a lot of waking hours.

Believe it or not, at 37, you still have a lot of living to do. At that age, I still had five major job changes ahead and the second of my three children was just born.

And, stay away from the TV! I found, after I was downsized, that turning the TV on during the day was a deal-breaker with getting anything done that day.

You have a lot of talent. Don't deprive others of the results of your talent. Rather derive satisfaction that others enjoy what you do. You get outside of yourself in this way. Don't lose that!

Anyway, that's my two-cents for whatever it's worth.

Hugs,

Suzij

Zest for life

I can empathize with you. I tried the hermits life, not successful with it. I am a born again ChrIstian who lost her zeal as a Christian. The reason I knew I was different than others. I shared the same desires girls had, but because I grew up being told boys can't be girls and that boys like that were an abomination to God.
I went through two divorces before I really understood who I was. I looked like a man but my feelings were the same as a genetic woman. I preferred to be female but was so afraid of what people would think I lived in misery. I spent time laying in the fetal position crying and begging for God to take me. My question ot him was why was I born this way? His answer was because I made you the way your are. I know this may sound insane but God showed me my birth and directed me to Isaiah Chapter 55. I learned that God's ways are not mans ways and God's thoughts are not mans thoughts. He wasn't done with me I was in a group wqhere the leader began with "There are no wrong answers."
I am now back in church as a woman, I believe God is love and "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.
I am a bit older than you, and I wanted to share this If you walk like a duck look like a duck then you must be a duck. Same goes for gender only you can decide who you are.
I've been the puppet of many people I was who and what they wanted and I believed what they wanted me to believe. I am now me, a Female in all matters. I do not own any thing masculine, the Church has not be struck by lightning because I attend in feminine attire.
When you deliver papers do so as Katie, after all you are her. Let Katie loose and see how much better you feel.
I used to be against gay marriage, but now it doesn't matter if they truly love one another then they are entitled to be a married couple. I've learned as a female to be more accepting and not so bone headed.

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.